“They’re not that bad,” she said.
Stupid, sweet Cassie with her blond curls and scratch-the-surface-and-you’re-through personality. If only my biggest problem was what my breasts looked like.
She started to bustle around the room, digging out knee-highs and a blouse. “Really, something else will happen and everyone will lose interest in a day or two, you’ll see.”
I shook my head and stared at her.
It was so much worse than just the photos. I’d clung to Devon, desperately. He was the only friend I had at Ravenhurst. I’d shared secrets with him, made myself vulnerable. I’d let him know me in a way no one else had. I’d sent him the photos because I trusted him.
And now, he was gone.
Falling
Tumbling
Wind rushing past my ears
I plummet to your waiting arms.
But you are a
Figment.
And you disappear as I
Crash.
If Devon didn’t exist, who’d been on the other side of the computer answering my emails? Whose cellphone had I been texting?
The slash of Lizzie’s lipstick, scarlet against her pale skin, flashed into my head and I felt myself shrivel. When Devon had asked how I really felt about the Ravens, I’d told him, exaggerating stories and making snarky comments. He’d eaten it up, encouraging me in our united distaste for them. I’d fed into it, and each email had dug me into a deeper hole. My stomach gave a sickening drop. I’d given them a reason to hate me.
Eric
I was at the gates again, clamouring for Hope. The guard knew me. “I’ll get her,” he said into the intercom.
I’d sold my jacket. The one Hope had given me. Spit-polished the scuff marks off and brought it down to a pawn shop. The guy behind the counter had given me fifty bucks. He’d kept a poker face, but I’d assured him it was expensive. Good deal for him. Someone had probably already bought it now that the days were getting colder.
Even high, I’d felt a pang when I’d left the shop, the security door clicking shut behind me. I remembered the day I’d found it, hidden in the tree stump. Hope had already left by then. I’d never thought I’d come all this way to find her.
But I needed cash. I had to be high for my plan to work, and I needed supplies. Leo found a jacket for me to wear, plaid flannel on the outside, like a lumberjack’s. I’d left it behind at the house, he told me. He’d been saving it in case I came back.
I had to wait a while until Hope ran out of the building to the gates, her hair flying behind her. I didn’t think she’d come, to be honest, after the way she’d torn off the other day. I paced back and forth across the driveway, waiting for her to make her way to me. Jolts of energy shot through me, making my fingers wiggle like I was playing the piano. I jumped up and down a few times, the bottoms of my feet shooting out rocket blasts.
“Eric.” Her voice was desperate, breathless. “You have to help me.”
I looked at her. In the darkness, I couldn’t see her face clearly.
“I need to leave. I have to go home.”
I wanted so bad for my mind to focus on her, to latch on to her words, but it kept shooting off to something else, the real reason I was here.
“Okay, okay. We can go. I’ll take you, that’s no problem. Hey, here’s the thing, though.” The ideas shot through my head like fireworks, arcing in my mind with a trail of flame. “I can’t leave yet. There’s something I need to do. I can’t let him get away with this. You get what you deserve, just like he told me.”
She leaned against the bars. “Eric, please!” she begged. “Just help me get home. Take me to the bus station. Is that how you got here? By bus?”
“Nah! I hitched.” A memory of the trucker, of what I’d had to do. It all got jumbled up. “I will help you. We can leave tomorrow, I promise. I just have to do something first and it has to be dark. Not tonight. I don’t have all the shit I’m going to need.”
“What? What do you need? What are you going to do?”
I laughed. “Yeah, you’d like to know. But I’m not going to tell you.” I shook my head at her. Then got real close to the gates, my hands wrapped around the cold metal. “It’s all right here.” I tapped my head. “And here.” I pulled out my list, the one in my back pocket, and showed it to her. She couldn’t read anything in the darkness, but she squinted at it.
“What if I help you? Can we do it together?”
I rocked back and forth. All this fucking energy coursed through me, like at a speedway, the cars going up and down each limb.
“What are you doing?”
I didn’t know. Maybe making car engine noises? My lips were vibrating.
“Here, take it.” I passed her the paper. “It’s the list of supplies. Get everything on it and I’ll come back tomorrow. We can do it together and then I’ll help you.”
Hope’s eyes were big. I could see the whites of them glowing. “Eric.” She grabbed my hand, holding me to her. Her hands were cold too, but not as cold as the metal. Her skin was soft over her bones. “I can’t stay here. If you don’t come back for me tomorrow, I’ll leave without you.” The sound of her voice hammered at me. I knew it mattered what she was saying. I tried hard to hold on to it, the message in her words, but it flew away from me, escaping.
I had to go. There was still so much to do. At the corner, I felt in my pocket for the list, but it was gone.
Had I given it to Hope? Had she stolen it? Had I dropped it? I didn’t have time to look for it. I’d make another one at home and keep planning.
There was a lot to do before tomorrow night.
Hope
My alarm buzzed me to consciousness at 5:00 a.m. Half-asleep, I felt for the button, slamming my hand on the nightstand. Within seconds, reality crashed down on me. Flashes of the images that had been emailed back to me, to every student at Ravenhurst and probably Melton, burst into my head. I pulled my pillow tight around my ears, pressing my nose into the mattress and wishing I could suffocate myself.
I’d gone to bed last night hoping I’d die in my sleep.
The incessant bleeping of the alarm started again. I’d only pressed the snooze button. Cassie mumbled in her sleep, and I forced myself to wake up. I grabbed my towel and robe. If I got to the shower room before the other girls, I could enjoy a few minutes of peace. Once the rest of them were awake, I’d have to endure whispered comments and looks of disgust. Unlocking the door, I shut it gently behind me, careful not to wake Cassie. The chill of the hallway made goosebumps rise up my legs. I turned back to get my slippers. WHORE had been scrawled across my door in red lipstick.
I closed my eyes and when I opened them, the word was still there.
With manic determination, I used my towel to wipe it off, smearing the scarlet grease across the door. My arm and shoulder burned from exertion, but I kept rubbing. The letters faded, tinting the door pink, but couldn’t be erased.
Eric
I’d had to ask for directions a few times, but now I stood in front of 314 Blossom Bay, with the sun rising behind it. Pumpkins lined the steps and a scarecrow stared at me from a flower bed. Every house looked the same in this neighbourhood, except for the Halloween decorations. Storm squatted, taking a dump on the boulevard.
A plastic bag of supplies swung against my leg. Like in an Easter egg hunt, I’d found them all, my brain jumping from spot to spot until I had what I needed. Rags, gasoline, bottles. Bought with what was left of the money from selling my jacket and scavenged from garbage bins. I hadn’t needed Hope’s help after all.
I’d walked here. It had taken hours. At first, I’d felt like I was flying—meth gave me energy—but now the high was wearing off and all I wanted to do was crash. The sun was rising, making the sky glow orange, like it was on fire.
It was a new day.
I’d passed a park with a l
ake in the middle of it. Maybe I’d find a bench and sleep for a while. My attention went back to Coach Williams’ house when a light went on in a room upstairs. My heart stuttered in my chest. He was home.
My bravery disappeared. I was just a shell again, trembling at the thought of seeing Coach Williams.
You’re not like the other guys. You’ve got talent. Real talent. I’ve been talking to friends of mine, coaches who could make things happen for you, Eric. Hey, do me a favour, when it’s just us, call me Duke, okay?
Scouts came out. I could have made it, gone pro. Coach Williams had me believe it was all happening because of him. We were a team. I had to keep him close, or my future would fall apart. And I’d believed him.
Come on, have a beer. You need to relax. You like porn, right? Nothing wrong with a bit of pussy and cock. With the sounds of the movie in the background, he’d moaned, unzipped his pants, and taken out his dick, starting to rub it in front of me, like I wasn’t there. It feels good, doesn’t it? I’d looked away, too freaked out to leave. Trapped in the room with him.
I was still trapped. What he’d done sealed me into this life.
I wanted out.
Hope
I moved through the day like a ghost, skimming down the corridor and sliding into my seat for classes and then disappearing to my room.
The other girls whispered when I walked past, or ignored me like I was something dirty. Even Cassie didn’t want to talk to me in public, for fear she’d be tainted by me. By what I’d done.
Eric’s list, the paper he’d given me yesterday, sat on my desk. I hadn’t read it last night. He’d been talking like a crazy person, moving like his limbs were elastic bands, stretching and contracting. I just wanted him to listen to me. He needed to help me get out of this place.
Part of me knew I should call Mom, but that meant explaining what had happened. How could I tell her I’d sent naked photos of myself to someone I’d never met, a guy who’d professed his love for me? It was too humiliating. But if I left school, showed up at home, and blamed Eric, saying he’d shown up at school, hounding me, threatening me, making it impossible to live there, she’d let me stay. She’d understand the shame.
But she’d also come to the city looking for him. And then what? Tell the cops? Could I betray my brother that way?
A bag was packed, waiting, under my bed. I stared out the window, my eyes trained on the gates, straining to see in the darkness. Eric, I silently moaned, don’t let me down.
But at ten minutes to lights out, dreams of having him whisk me to the bus station, saving me from this school and the Ravens, faded. He wasn’t coming. Nothing I’d said yesterday had mattered to him.
I didn’t matter to him. Tears burned in my eyes. After everything I’d done for him. I swallowed back a lump in my throat. Why was I surprised? The Eric who would have come back for me was gone, destroyed by meth.
Cassie came in and dumped books onto her desk. She’d been in the common room studying, avoiding me. The dorm felt claustrophobic with both of us in it. Without a word, I grabbed my toiletries bag and went to the shower room.
So close to lights out, the shower room was empty. I took off my robe and hung it on the hook. Finally, hiding myself in the steamy cubicle, uninterrupted tears ran down my face. They mingled with the shower spray and slid to the drain, escaping.
Shivering against the instant chill when I shut the faucet off, I reached for my towel and wrapped it around my body. A row of mirrors across from the stalls usually buzzed with chatter as girls stood combing their hair and slathering lotion onto their legs. But at this time of night, it was eerily silent, the row of globe-shaped bulbs glowing just for me. The drip of the shower echoed in the empty room.
My robe hung on a hook by the door. I slipped it on and felt something in the pocket.
I reached in and pulled out one of the photos of me, naked, the necklace dangling between my exposed breasts. Breath caught in my throat at the shock of seeing it, of knowing it was me. Crumpling it up, I threw it into the garbage can. The plastic lid swung open, accepting and thanking me for my offering. Nausea rose in my throat as I spun around, checking to see if anyone else was in the shower room.
Pushing the door open slowly, I edged into the corridor. It was empty. I had to make it to my room at the end, which meant going past Lizzie’s room. Had she put the picture in my pocket? Or sent one of the other girls, the same way she’d tried to recruit me to cut Cassie’s hair? Holding up the bottom of my robe so I could run, I sprinted to the end of the hall and turned the doorknob. It rattled, but the door didn’t move. Staring at it in disbelief, I tried to turn the knob again. “Cassie!” I whispered, my voice a desperate sob. “Cassie!” There was no answer.
I felt myself weaken. She’d locked me out.
It was all too much. The constant snickers, the nasty comments, the glances my way; I had been humiliated, but to the Ravens it was a game. I was like a plaything to be batted around. Their razor-sharp claws had torn me to shreds.
“Cassie!” I called, now hammering on the door. “Open the door!” My yells woke other girls, who burst into the hallway, scowling at the disturbance. Why wouldn’t she open it? I twisted the knob, kicked the bottom of the door, panic turning to anger.
A hand landed on my shoulder and I jumped, startled by the touch, and spun around. Ms. Harrison frowned at me. “Hope! You’ve woken the whole floor.” Behind her, I could see Lizzie and the other Ravens, stifling giggles with their hands. Ms. Harrison rapped on the door with her knuckles. No answer. With an irritated sigh, she pulled a ring of keys out of her pocket and opened the door. There was Cassie, lying on her bed, one foot crossed over a knee, swinging to the beat of a song blaring into her earbuds.
Ms. Harrison stomped in, and to the amusement of the other girls, gave Cassie the fright of her life when she snatched the earbuds away. “Cassie,” she admonished. “Hope was locked out. She was banging on the door.”
Cassie, her eyes wide and startled, shook her head. “I didn’t hear her.”
“I know.” Ms. Harrison spun around to the rest of us. “Back to bed, all of you.” As the other girls slunk off, she pulled me aside. “Next time, just come and get me.”
My face flushed with embarrassment. “Sorry.”
“Off to bed, then,” she said and with a brusque nod, closed the door. I could feel Cassie looking at me but ignored her, pulling on my pajamas with shaking hands.
“Sorry,” she said. “I would have opened the door if I knew you were out there.”
I ignored her and climbed into bed, pulling my legs up to my chest and curling up under the covers. Tears leaked out of the corners of my eyes and ran onto the pillow.
Eric hadn’t shown. Devon didn’t exist. Everyone at school had turned their backs on me.
I had never felt so alone.
Eric
When I woke up, I didn’t know where I was or what time it was. I rolled over and almost fell onto the ground, the gravel path inches from my face. Storm was sleeping in the grass beside me. She raised her head, cocking it, one floppy ear pricked.
Fuck. I sat with my head in my hands, trying to piece the last hours together. I’d fallen asleep with the sun rising, and now it was setting. At the end of the bench, a brown lunch bag. GOD BLESS written in block letters. I picked it up. Inside, a sandwich wrapped in plastic, tightly so the bread bulged, a juice box, an apple, and a granola bar.
I ripped into the plastic, tearing it so the sandwich popped out, as if grateful for release.
Stuffing it into my mouth, I looked around. Fake lake, cookie-cutter houses covered in stucco, spindly trees. With a jolt, I remembered where I was.
Coach Williams. My bag of supplies. I jumped up, looking for it. There, under the bench. It was safe. I let out a relieved sigh.
I’d come all this way.
I’m not a fag, you know. What we d
o here, it doesn’t make us homos. Here, let me show you how good it feels. You’ve never done this before, have you?
The sandwich rose in my throat. Undigested chunks made me gag.
I sat on the bench, my mind reeling, bouncing like a pinball. I couldn’t let him get away with what he’d done to me.
But—sober—the plan was scary, crazy even.
He’d pushed me to this. You get what you deserve. I looked down at my dirty jeans, ripped and baggy, my shirt—washed once in weeks—rank with stink and sweat, and wondered if this was what I deserved.
I caught myself picking at the scab on my arm. Blood seeped out from under the crust of brown. It was never going to heal.
Just like me.
Storm nosed my leg and sat, waiting for a handout. Quietly quivering with anticipation.
I ripped off half the sandwich and gave it to her. Her sharp, white baby teeth dug into it. I kept my fingers close to her mouth on purpose. One of her teeth pierced my skin. I wanted the hurt to flow through me. I wanted to feel something different from hunger, exhaustion, and ache. But the sting was too small and stopped at my knuckle, like a paper cut. Nothing to leave a mark.
I bent down and rubbed her neck as she ate, gobbling it up. A piece of meat hung from the side of her mouth. I’d dragged her all over the city and now here: 314 Blossom Bay.
I slid down beside her, and she climbed onto my lap and licked my chin. I never should have brought her with me. A new feeling came on like a wave, rolling through me. Sadness. I clutched her to me, feeling her soft puppy fur, the silky underside of her ear, her rough, wet nose. I could hug her close, squish her against me, and feel her heart beating fast. She looked at me, so innocent, happy to follow. Too stupid to know not to.
The lake was in front of me, at the end of the paved path. I could take her down, hold her under, and wait until she stopped struggling. It was what the asshole who’d left her on the side of the road should have done in the first place. A kinder end than letting her starve in a box.
Finding Hope Page 12