It was my turn to laugh. “He was a hard-headed, oddly sentimental, tough guy. I don’t think he ever fit in any box that people tried to put him in.”
“You keep speaking of him in the past tense,” she mentioned.
“Do I?” I sat back for a minute and thought about it. I guess I had been.
“What’s up with that? Do you see the man who wrote these letters as someone else?”
“In a way, I guess he was someone else. At least someone different from the man I’m married to now. Time changes people. It’s not that though. I read his latest letter first the other day,” I admitted. “I just had this weird feeling after he left so I went out to the garage to see what he had been up to out there. Turns out, he had been leaving me another letter in one of those boxes.” I tipped my head toward the gorgeous, carved, walnut box that held some of the letters he had written me over the years. “His letter, he didn’t think he would be coming home from this thing. Trying to find Deck,” I explained further and watched as my best friend flinched at her son’s name.
“I’m so worried about him. What if,” she started to say and then shook off whatever the rest of it was. “You’ve lost a son. He was something precious to me too, but Toby was your boy and I just keep thinking, ‘How did she make it past that?’”
It was my turn to shake my head. “I still don’t know, to be honest. I had more people here who loved me and counted on me. I needed to get through it, for them.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Lily, I believe they’ll find him and bring him home. Alive,” I added at the end, because it was important for her to know I thought there was still a chance. Someone had to keep the faith and believe in his return.
“I hope you’re right. Now, enough morbid talk from all of us, including Double-D. Finish reading me that letter instead,” she commanded with a wobbly smile on her face.
“Your wish is my command.”
…
That first day, when I saw you with your cute little grease-stained button nose, and a blush so fierce on your cheeks that I could damn near feel the heat of them, I knew. I knew that I wanted the girl who wasn’t afraid to get her hands dirty on a man’s bike. I knew I wanted the girl that would defy a damn motorcycle club to work on those bikes, and I for sure knew that no matter what, I was going to make her mine. With each encounter we had after that, it just made me believe that much more. You were meant for me and I was definitely meant to be yours too. I could see it in your eyes.
I don’t know what happened though. It was a kick to the balls to see you loading up your daddy’s truck and taking off. I thought it was just a temporary thing, but then, I heard your asshole next door neighbor talking about how you were finishing school somewhere else. What happened? I don’t understand at all! Why did you go? Why didn’t you tell me? Did your dad send you away to keep you from me? If he did, I’m so sorry baby. I didn’t mean to fuck up your life. Shit, there I go again. I can’t even keep from fucking up a letter to you with my language. How the hell was I ever supposed to keep from fucking up your life?
I lie awake at night and dream of you.
I know, it doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. I just lie there staring at my ceiling and the next thing I know your beautiful face is front and center. I think about you coming back and running here to be with me. The sweet smell of your shampoo mixed with the scent that’s all yours. Then I hear your laugh as if you were right next to me. It’s almost like living here with your ghost. It feels so real for just a minute and then, before I know it, you just fade away. It’s like watching you get in that truck and ride away all over again.
I hope like hell you come back to me someday, my angel. I’ll be here, waiting for you. When it’s time, when you’re old enough that your parents have no say, I’m coming for you. I’m going to make you mine because this is where you belong. Even if I do fuck up sometimes, there’s no way I can get through this life without you here to be a part of it. I just feel that deep down in my bones. I think you felt it too before you left.
Please, come back to me,
D
“Oh, Lucy!” Lily’s surprised whisper drew my eyes from the pages as tears ran unchecked down my cheeks. “That man was in love with you from the very beginning, honey.”
“I know. I can’t look back and not think of all the time, memories, and moments we lost out on. But would we have lasted if we’d really gotten together when we were so young?”
Lily shrugged her shoulders. “No way to know that. Hell, look at Merc and me. I never would have figured we’d still be together after all this time.”
“When I was in Florida, I used to imagine all the women he was with and how happy they must have been to be a part of his life the way I wished I could be.”
“Honey, one thing I do know for certain, that man loved you and he was never unfaithful. Well, aside from the time that whore got hold of him, and well, shit, that other time that other whore got hold of him too!” She glanced up at me making her eyes really big as if she was surprised, and we both ended up in a fit of giggles.
“Well, when you put it that way!” I told her through my laughter.
“You know what I mean. He was never unfaithful to you. Not by his own doing. And let’s be honest, when that second whore got her claws in him for a night, you were actually with another man, so really…”
“I know! Don’t remind me of him. Like I said, every time I think of the past it makes me wonder ‘what if?’. I can’t go down that road though. That’s not the life we were given, and I don’t want to get lost in the past.”
“That’s good. It’s not a healthy place to be.” She tipped her head toward the box at my feet. “Do you want to read any more of those?”
“Will you stay with me while I do? These are all from the first time we were apart. I’m not sure I can handle everything he might have had to say to me during that time.”
“I think you might be surprised. I have nowhere else to be and honestly, you’re doing me a favor by sharing this. It’s keeping my mind off my boy.”
So, I ended up spending the next three hours reading through some letters CJ had written me when we were so young, it shouldn’t have mattered that much to him. I shouldn’t have mattered that much. But I did because he was right about one thing. I was meant to be his and he was always meant to be mine too. There was no denying that after all of our years together and the ones we spent wishing we were.
Chapter 6
Two Weeks
Ever
The sound of a motorcycle rumbling into my driveaway used to bring me comfort knowing that my man was coming home once again. Unfortunately, I knew the sound his bike made and while close, the one that pulled into my driveway wasn’t it. I glanced out the window to see my brother-in-law, Jay, kicking his stand down and climbing off of his Harley after shutting it down. My stomach dipped with the disappointment I felt. I also wondered what it meant. Christina and Jay still lived in North Georgia, about five hours away from here, so the fact that he was here couldn’t mean good things.
“Ever,” he called out as I moved to open the front door for him.
“Jay,” I responded as he moved inside and immediately pulled me into a hug.
“Sorry I didn’t get here sooner. Dad just told me a couple of days ago and I had to get someone to cover for me on the tour.” Jay worked security for Redemption Inc., a company run by the female motorcycle club his wife was a member of. The type of security he specialized in was concert security, more to the point, personal concert security for some pretty big headlining bands.
“You didn’t have to come,” I told him.
“I did, and we both know it.” He leaned back and took in my appearance. “Have you been getting any sleep at all?” I knew what he was seeing. The dark circles under my eyes had become a part of my normal, everyday appearance. My unbrushed hair was just another example of how I was letting myself go in favor of taking care of the girls and worrying ov
er my husband. Hell, I hadn’t even been to work in the past two weeks. The guys had been good about getting my appointments rescheduled or taking on some of my clients when they were able. We had a new woman in the studio, Sarah Pienaar, who was pretty close to my own style of art, so she had actually picked up quite a few of them. I just glanced around desperately, hoping the room would have something for me to tell Jay, because honestly, there were no words left in my brain. Just worry.
“What the hell am I supposed to tell my kids?”
“Just be patient,” he tried to soothe. “We found evidence that he’s still alive,” my brother-in-law informed me. At least it was more than anyone else had bothered to share in the past couple of days.
“Be patient?” I asked him. “Their father was supposed to be home weeks ago. How do you think I should explain that to your nieces, Jay?”
He sighed heavily. “I don’t know what to tell you here. We have evidence that my brother is alive and being held by The Trinity Group somewhere. I don’t know much more than that, but it’s better than nothing. We’re working on finding him, Ev. We won’t give up, I promise.”
I rolled my eyes, hearing yet another promise form one more person who had let me down over the years. I hoped he was right though because I sincerely didn’t know what in the hell I was going to tell my kids if their father never made it back to us. Hell, I didn’t know what I was going to tell my heart. I couldn’t lose him. Deck was my everything.
“I know my word doesn’t mean shit to you. I know that you may have forgiven me and moved past everything, but that doesn’t mean you ever have to trust me again. I get it. He’s my brother though. I already lost one brother to stupid club bullshit. I’m not about to lose another. Even if you don’t trust that I’d keep my word for you, trust that I would keep it for him, for my nieces, and for the little one you’re growing in your belly. I will do whatever is in my power to bring Deck back home where he belongs. While I’m in town, if you need anything, you let me know right away!” Once he said his peace, Jay didn’t stick around. Instead, he took off, most likely heading for the clubhouse. I wasn’t sure if he would be welcome there or not. I knew he hung around the guys from the Sierra High Chapter quite a bit, but I didn’t think he ever bothered to put the Aces High MC kutte back on.
I think Jay always blamed the club for what happened with us too and just how far it all spun out of control. He definitely blamed them for what happened to Toby though. My brother hadn’t been speaking to Jay much back then because of the fallout over what happened with me. I was pretty sure Jay felt that if it had just been some teen drama, that remained seen as only that, all of it would have blown over quicker. He wasn’t wrong about that. I also knew that because my brother didn’t have his best friend at his side anymore, it made it that much easier for someone to target him the way Seneca and Crow did.
Jay had been right though. I didn’t trust him to get the job done. I didn’t trust any of them to do it. To be honest, I didn’t trust anyone. Deck, he was the one person on this Earth that I put my complete faith in and even when I opened the manilla envelope that had been left in my mailbox with no postage on it a couple of days after Jay’s visit, I still believed in Deck.
What I saw in that envelope made it extremely difficult to do that though. It took me a few looks, more like dropping the pictures only to look them over obsessively again moments later, before I saw the cracks in the narrative that someone was trying to tell me. This wasn’t real.
The pictures were of my husband with another woman. At first glance, my heart dropped, stomach sank, and they had their desired effect to unsettle me and make me think the worst of the man I loved. But then, something about them nagged at me and I picked them up again, noticing more things that time. They were not sexual in nature but they did look intimate. The woman was touching his face in two of the photos. One had words scrawled across it in a fancy handwriting, “He is no longer yours, stop looking.” Yeah, like hell I would ever stop looking for my husband and the father of my children. Dream on, bitch! Deck’s eyes were shut and his face appeared to be bruised in spots, but I had to look a little harder to see those things. At first glance, the intimacy was a kick to the teeth. At second glance, the cracks in her narrative began to show through. The woman seemed to be in awe of him, but again, his eyes were closed. He looked the way he did in a fitful sleep, brows scrunched down into a point at the top of his nose, wrinkles were at the bridge, adding to his less-than-relaxed appearance and the fact that his eyes remained closed in every shot said more than the woman did with her thinly veiled threat.
I took my phone out and dialed my brother-in-law. “Yeah?” He answered.
“Jay, I received a package. I need you to come to my house immediately.”
“What the fuck kind of package?” He asked, concern dripping from him as I heard the uptick in his breaths while he ran to his bike.
“Calm down, it’s just pictures, but you need to get them to the club.” I hung up so he could drive safely. While I waited, I took pictures of the envelope, the pictures themselves, and made sure to save them to my phone, the cloud, and even sent myself an email with them attached. I might have to hand them over to the club so they could use them to track whoever had Deck, but I’d be damned if I didn’t keep copies in case they couldn’t find him on their own.
Not for the first time since my husband had gone missing, I wondered if I should involve the police instead of the club. At the very least, I thought about hiring someone whose job it was to track people. I thought about what Jay did for Redemption Inc. He was more involved with concerts and celebrity security, but I knew they had a team who tracked people that didn’t want to be found. I would give the club a head start, but if they didn’t get results soon, I was going to bring the women of S.H.E. onboard to ensure the job got done.
Chapter 7
Another Letter
Lucy
When I came out of the bathroom, I was surprised to see my youngest daughter there. “Anna, what’s going on? Is everything all right?”
“Momma, why didn’t you push him harder?”
“What?” I asked her, genuinely confused about what she was talking about. Anna then held up the letter I left beside my chair. The one from CJ that I had been reading.
“Why didn’t you push Daddy harder? I know that I didn’t understand the dynamics back then because you kept me sheltered from things, and also because I was a little naïve girl lost to my own world, but you knew what was going on the whole time. Why didn’t you push him to do better for her?”
“Honey, in the beginning, I had to push myself just to do right for Ever. It was a very tough time for us. The adjustment was a little overwhelming. I never wanted to think about your father being with someone else, much less creating a life with someone. I know that’s not a fair thing to even think considering I was in a relationship with a man during the time we were separated and very nearly had a baby with him too. It’s just that, there was a world of difference between something being a possibility and something being in your face and real.”
“Okay, but then you were the best mom to her for years, but you still let Daddy treat her that way. Why?”
“It wasn’t about letting him or not letting him, Anna. He was a man with his own thoughts and ideas. I encouraged him, I tried to help sway him, but it was another time in our lives that damnable brotherhood was more influential than I was. He allowed them to taint the relationship he could have had with Ever. There was no changing that.”
“You could have booted his ass out the door until he came to see the light,” she offered.
I gave her a grim smile. “I very well could have, but I had two more people to consider in that equation.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ever wasn’t an only child, sweetheart. I had both you and your brother to consider too, and he wasn’t being awful to either of you, so I worked harder to make sure Ever knew she was loved and wanted, even when your
father could only do that for you and your brother.”
“You sacrificed straightening him out so that we didn’t lose our time with him?” Anna asked me, shocked at that revelation.
“Of course.” She didn’t seem to understand though. “Parenting isn’t something we get a manual for, as you well know by now. We do our best. We make decisions that might not be the best option for one because it’s the only option for the other children. I couldn’t take your dad away from you guys, and honestly, if I had, it would have just caused him to resent her more. He would have seen her as the problem, and the reason and the assholes at the clubhouse during that time would have helped him right along with that thought process.”
“I guess I never thought about it that way.”
“I had hoped you would never have to think about it at all. It’s not a proud time in your father’s life, and it’s a very difficult one for both Ever and myself. We all tried, in our own ways, to shelter you from all of it.
Anna held up the letter in her hands. “Did you let her read these?”
“I’ve only just now read it,” I admitted.
She scrunched her face in obvious confusion and then looked back at the dated pages. “But,”
“Your father never gave them to me to read when he wrote them. They’ve been boxed up and hidden away in the garage. I only dug them out recently, while he’s been away, because I missed him and needed to hear his voice in a weird way. And also, because I just, I don’t know. I guess with Deck missing, a part of me is worried about all the things we may regret never having done. You know?”
“I do know that.” Anna hummed the words out. “I’m so worried for Deck and for Ever and the girls, Momma. What do we do? How can we make it better?”
“For Deck, we let the men do their thing and hopefully, bring him home. For Ever, you just be there for your sister when she needs you. I have a feeling this is going to get harder on her before it gets better. She’s expecting their baby and he can’t be there for all the things that he made it to for the girls. That’s going to hurt her in ways she can’t even comprehend right now.”
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