“I was just about to knock because I didn’t want to ring the bell and possibly wake your boy up.”
“Thanks, I appreciate it.” I closed and locked the door before him and then continued to pat my son’s back until I heard his adorable little burp. “Do you have any more in there for me?” I asked the baby even though I knew he couldn’t answer. I talked to my children when they were too little to talk back to me. Didn’t matter. I liked to think it would help with their language skills one day when they were capable.
“You always were an excellent mother. You remind me so much of Lucy,” my dad commented. I simply smiled up at him because that was the best thing a person could say. A comparison to my Momma-Luce was like nothing else. She was the standard others strived for.
“You didn’t have to come in person,’ I told him. “Jay already called to tell me the news.” Once again, they thought a legitimate lead had come in, only for everything to go bust and the men to come home empty handed once again. I gently moved my son from my shoulder and tucked him into my arms to snuggle a minute so I could collect my thoughts.
“Would you mind if I held him?” I turned my head up to see my dad standing there with such a hopeful look on his face. I moved closer to him, but he met me in the middle with his arms out in position to receive the baby. Dad took him and looked so natural standing there with a baby in his arms. “I missed this with you and your brother,” he started to say. I just stood and watched, taking it all in. “Not a day goes by that I don’t regret that. When Deck comes home, it will one day just creep up on him and he’s going to lose it a little, thinking about all the things he missed out on.”
My heart ached so much that I could feel the painful squeeze with each rapidly accelerating beat. “You didn’t find him,” I reminded him.
“That doesn’t mean I’ve lost hope that it will happen. You shouldn’t either. I made you a promise, and I intend to keep it. We will bring him home to you.”
“What if he doesn’t want to come?”
“You letting that bitch and her pictures get into your head again?”
That wasn’t something I wanted to happen, but I’d be lying if I told him no. “My heart knows what it saw and what those pictures weren’t. My head, my doubts, whatever it is in that dark space inside that has all the questions and worries… Deep down, I wonder if he hasn’t changed his mind. Not necessarily because it’s something he would normally do, but something he was forced to do. Or something he was forced to do has made him ashamed, or unable, or I don’t know. There are too many scenarios that have played themselves out in my head to keep track. I love my husband. I want him back, no matter what. We’ll deal with the fallout, doesn’t matter what it is. I just want him back and a part of me wonders if that will ever happen.”
I laughed, though there was no humor in the sound. “I had a dream just before the baby was born. It seemed so damn real.”
“I often dreamed of Lucy when we were separated. Vivid, lifelike dreams.”
I shook my head. “It wasn’t Deck I was dreaming of. I thought it would be, but when the fog cleared, it was Toby. He told me that he was working on things and would help get Deck back. He told me to hang in there and that he would be back soon.” I swiped angrily at the traitorous tears that managed to get past my stubborn need to hold them in. “I believed him. I refused to name my own son because I just knew that Deck would be coming home in time to do it.”
“You still haven’t named him?” My dad asked, concern etched in the lines of his face. Lines that had grown deeper and more permanent as time passed.
“I have in here,” I told him as I pointed to my own head, but out loud, no.”
“Oh, sweetheart, you need to name your boy. Deck wouldn’t want this. Not for either of you. It’s not fair for your boy to wait on a name too. He’s already waiting to meet his daddy.”
“What if he hates it?”
“What if he hates it? Deck? Ever, honey, he’s going to love his son no matter what happens, no matter the name you gave him. Hell, if I know that man as well as I think I do, he’ll cherish the name because you were the one to give it to his son when he couldn’t.” And that was where I lost my battle with my emotions. Sobs broke free along with the tears. I knew he was right. I just couldn’t bring myself to face my own fears.
“I’m just afraid that if I name him, if I make it all real, then he’ll think we’ve given up on him coming back.”
“You know that’s not true. He’ll know it too.”
“I just need him back, dad. I need him back here with us.”
“I know you do, baby girl. I know.” My father then did something I didn’t have a whole lot of experience with. He pulled me into the arm that wasn’t holding my son, and he held onto me so tight that for the first time in months, I felt like I wouldn’t float away. He let me stay there, in the protected embrace of his arms, until I finally got myself under control. Then he tipped my chin up and looked me in the eye. “Now tell me my grandson’s name,” he demanded.
“Archer,” I whispered.
“Archer,” he repeated with a grin. “That’s a solid name you have there, little man. Won’t even need a road name when you join the club one day.”
I laughed at that, because it had been Deck’s fate too. He didn’t really get a road name, just a shortened version of his own. “Like father, like son,” I mumbled.
“Exactly!” My dad cooed at my boy. “You’re going to grow up big and strong just like your daddy, aren’t you! I know your sisters are older than you, but it’s still going to be your job to protect them and your momma from the world. Don’t worry, you have a really strong mom too. She’ll handle things until you’re able.”
Gah! My heart could not possibly continue to take the beating my dad was putting it through. At least these days, it was of the wonderfully beautiful variety though, rather than the heartbreaking beatings it used to take when he would ignore me.
“Thanks,” I managed to choke out.
“Don’t thank me for telling the truth,” he told me before planting a kiss on my forehead and then shifting his attention back to my son. “He really is a remarkable mix of the two of you.”
“I know. I can’t wait to see what he looks like as he grows up.”
“Don’t rush it away. Time goes too fast already, especially when you’re well loved. Those bitches that call themselves the fates like to slow things down when you’re miserable. When you’re happy, in love, or your heart is full, time speeds on like a rocket until you look up one day and realize how much of it has passed you by.”
“Feeling your old age?” I asked with a grin.
He scratched at his completely silver beard. “I guess you could say that.”
“How’s Mom doing?”
“She’s going well. Still sneaking into my letters though.”
I laughed. “I knew you would know she was doing it.”
“I caught her the last time I was home,” he admitted. “She had me worried that day. I was actually glad she read that one while I was there.”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what the letter was about, but my dad saw the question in my eyes and answered me anyway.
“It was written shortly after Toby’s death.” I could see the moisture gather in his eyes at his admission. “My frame of mind wasn’t the best at the time so I’m sure it was an extremely difficult letter for your mom to read.”
“I can imagine,” I offered. “She tried to get me to read one of those letters once.”
“Did you?”
“No. I think I may have hurt her feelings a little bit because I told her I still believed both you and Deck were coming home, so I didn’t need to read the words of a dead man.”
He looked at me funny then. “I’m not dead,” he deadpanned.
“Nope, but I’m guessing you meant those letters to be read after you are no longer around, right?”
“You always were too smart for your own good. That’s true, b
ut I think, in a weird way it’s been giving your mom a little comfort when I’m away, so I indulge her by leaving them where she found them.” He shook his head and adjusted Archer as he took a seat in the reclining chair. “She worried me because when I basically told her the same thing, then she asked me, ‘What if I’m the first to go?’.
“I guess I can see her point there,” I admitted. “Honestly, I really don’t want to think about either one of y’all leaving us though, so let’s change the subject. Did you discover anything new while you were gone?”
Dad sighed heavily. “I don’t know what to say when you ask me questions.”
“The truth would be a great thing. Can’t go wrong there.”
“We were hearing whispers of him being locked down in some hospital. Couldn’t get a good read on why or where though. We’re still working on it.”
“Maybe if he’s in a hospital we’ll be able to get to him then, or he’ll be able to escape.”
“That’s what we’re hoping, but we need to be ready to move in, just in case. Once he’s released, there’s no telling where they’ll take him, if he doesn’t manage an escape while he’s there.”
“Why would they take him to get better just to keep him even longer? None of this makes sense.”
“He’s a pawn, baby girl. That’s all.”
“I don’t know. I can’t shake the feeling that there’s more to this. If he was a pawn, why haven’t they used him?”
“He’s a pawn to use against more than just us at this point, sweetheart.”
“What? Why?”
“In the beginning, that’s exactly what was happening. The group didn’t want to dissolve their business relationship with Aces High. They were going to use him as leverage to get us to contract up for another decade.”
“That’s ridiculous. Once he was handed over, what would keep you to that deal?”
“The same thing that kept us to the last one, honor. Our word. It means nothing to everyone else if we can’t keep it and honor the commitments we make.”
“Okay, but then what? They didn’t keep their side of the bargain then.”
“Exactly, but not because they didn’t want to. It was because they couldn’t. That bitch, the one that sent you the pictures?” He questioned and I nodded. Obviously, I knew he was referring to. “She is a part of all of this. From what we’ve been able to gather, her father was the leader of The Trinity Group.”
“Was?”
“Yeah, was. That was the other part of the problem. There was a coup. The snake had his head chopped off and in its place, several grew back in the form of the siblings that are trying to take over. The man had four children. One is illegitimate and supposedly has no claim on his father’s throne, so to speak. The rest, well, two are complete fucking mental cases, the woman being one of them. The other is down to Earth and apparently wanted his older, bastard of a brother to be a part of the family empire. It caused a rift between the younger three with the youngest two of them – the crazy ones – against the older two then.”
“So, you’re saying Deck became a pawn between the siblings too. Whoever controls him, controls the Aces High MC and the weapons pipeline they created?”
“Like I said before, you always were too smart for your own good.”
“So, which one has him now?”
“That’s the damn problem. We’re not sure. We know that it isn’t the woman. We’ve had someone successfully trailing her. At least, we did, up until she went off the grid about two weeks ago. From what we’ve been able to gather, the back and forth has come into play because no one knows who the fuck they’re actually working for up there. Three of the children were groomed to take over different aspects of the business. The Trinity Group employees are used to seeing their faces and granting them access. With her going off the grid, there’s no telling where she might show up and who will allow her access again.”
“Do you think she heard the same hospital rumors, only she knew where to look since she’s from that world?”
Dad nodded his head. “That’s exactly what we think. She’s going to go after him again. Granted, her going off the grid could also mean that maybe she’s dead and we have one less player in the game, but I honestly don’t think that’s it.”
“Well, shit!”
“That’s what I came by to tell you.” He glanced down at the sleeping baby in his arms. “Well, that and to get some grandbaby cuddles. I know you have a lot on your plate, but I need you and your sister to check in on your momma for me while I’m away.”
“You’re leaving again?”
“Remember when I said we had to be ready to move at a moment’s notice?” He waited for a response from me before going on. After a nod from me, he continued. “Well, that means someone has to be there with feet on the ground to move. Even if I flew in from here, we’re at the mercy of the airlines, the weather, anything that malfunctions, crowds, transportation issues, customs even. There are too many cogs in the wheel at any given time to get there in a quick enough timeframe from here.”
“Momma is not going to like losing more time with you. Maybe you should stay behind this time,” I suggested.
“You can’t ask that of me, and your momma would never do it.”
“Just because she wouldn’t doesn’t mean she isn’t silently wishing for that outcome.”
“She knows I have to do this.”
“Why? Why do you have to do this? There are others!”
“I don’t trust them, Ever. I don’t trust anyone else to bring Deck home to you.”
“You know I love you, no matter what, right? My love doesn’t hinge on you getting this right and bringing him back. Having him back is a bonus.”
He didn’t answer verbally. Dad simply nodded at me and then worked his way out of the chair and placed my son in my arms. Archer wiggled his cute little butt around in my arms as he settled to get comfortable against a different person, then his lip wobbled a little bit like he was going to cry.
“It’s okay, little man. Your momma has you now.” Just like magic, my father’s voice settled Archer right down before the crying could start.
“You’re good with babies. Maybe you should have had more of them yourself.”
“Nah, I fucked up enough kids.”
“Dad,” I whispered.
“It’s okay, Ever. I know what I did. Now, promise me, you’ll look after your momma and take care of yourself and my grandbabies too while I’m gone.”
“You know I will,” I told him.
“Not good enough. Promise me.”
“I promise,” I finally relented and let him have what he wanted.
“With any luck, you’ll see me in a few weeks, and I hope like hell that will mean I have Deck with me when I get here.”
Little did I know that weeks would turn to months and the seasons would change again before that happened.
Chapter 18
Goodbyes
Lucy
Once seated in my favorite chair, I pulled the last letter out. It was the only one of the bunch that I hadn’t read yet. Before I tucked in, I reached over and patted the small stack of my own letters. I’d written out to each of my loves, including Toby. Not sure why I felt compelled to do it. I’m guessing going through more of CJ’s letters as he was once again following the cold trail, looking for our son-in-law, made it settle in that our days aren’t promised. His letters were a comfort to me while he was gone on those runs. I figured, if anything ever happened to me, mine might be a comfort to my loves as well.
I’m not sure why I saved this specific letter for last, but it just felt right. From the date on it, CJ had written it just before we left on our retirement trip in the RV to tour the country. Thinking on it made me realize I’d left it for good reason. It was one of the only ones he had ever written me when we were together. All the others had been penned during times when we were apart from one another. That made the last letter special.
My Dearest Lucy,
We’re leaving tomorrow. That trip we fantasized about taking for all of those years, we’re finally doing it, baby! Just you and me, no drama, and lots of love. Is it weird that while I’m excited about it, I’m so damned nervous? I don’t know why either. We’ve been through it all, my love. Births, deaths, being apart too many damn times, and trying to put it all back together again after. There isn’t a damn minute of our lives that we haven’t been fighting to get back to one another.
I guess that’s the thing though, our relationship has been a battle from the beginning. A fucking worthy one, of that there’s no doubt. It just seems odd that we’re rolling out tomorrow without any struggles going on. I know, I know, you’re going to miss the grand babies something fierce and drive me crazy about it, but if that’s the worst we have to handle, I guess we should just sit back and thank our lucky stars. It’s our time. You’re going to be all mine for a year.
What if you hate me? What if it’s just the two of us on the open road and you decide that I was definitely not worth all the fuss for all these years? Now, I know what you’re thinking in that pretty little head of yours, my lovely Lucy, but it’s not true. I could never feel that way about you. You were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. I knew it from the moment we met that the stars had just aligned and sent me my own personal angel. I will never be done with you. Never stop loving you and wanting you by my side…
A jolt of hot, electric pain shot through my head before I could finish reading. I dropped the second page to the letter, and it fluttered out of my reach before I could even think to lean forward and catch it. Instead, I clawed tightly to the other page, the one I had still been reading, as I leaned back and waited for the pain to subside. The light from the bulb in the desktop lamp beside me felt like it was a million watts as I sat there, praying that the good Lord would just do me a solid and end this pain.
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