by Stewart, Ann
“What about now?” I hide my face in his chest, hoping to hear the words I so desperately want him to say. I know he can see the want in my heart.
“Elyssa…you have to understand that I’m not built the same as most people. I don’t know how relationships work…I’m struggling everyday to figure out how things are supposed to work with you….I…I don’t want to fuck up.”
“Alex, you aren’t. We are just going through some growing pains. This is a good thing. It means we’re getting to know each other; our strengths, our weaknesses.” Sitting up, I run my hands through his hair and down his chest. “Besides, your parent’s relationship couldn’t have been that awful…they made you.” I can picture Alex as a small boy, floppy hair and crystal blue eyes, running around. He’s a good person; he just doesn’t give himself enough credit.
With a huff, Alex dismisses my moment of optimism. “I was a mistake.” My breath hitches and my heart tightens. “He said my Mom tried to trap him. Biggest mistake of his life, he said.” Alex releases my gaze, turning his head. I can hardly bear to watch him go down this ugly road of memories.
“Alex, look at me.” After a moment of internal struggle, he turns back with eyes full of sorrow, making my heart ache. “Regardless of your father, everything that’s in you, it’s all the love and beauty from your mother; her hopes and dreams.”
Alex continues to look at me as he relieves his most haunting memories. “You know he used to bring women home? He would fuck them while my Mom was out. I could hear the screams and moaning from the living room. Is there love in that?” My mouth drops in shock.
“No…” I’m unable to say more. I never imagined such a relationship could exist.
“Well, this is how I thought a relationship was supposed to be; it’s all I knew.” Alex’s exposure to monogamous relationships is as virgin as my exposure to sexual relationships. Apparently, we are both teaching each other.
“What made you think differently?”
“My mom…in the end…she asked for my forgiveness; forgiveness for staying with him for so long. She thought I needed a man around in order to learn how to be a man, but she told me that men don’t love with their fists. Men don’t share their hearts with other women. I learned more about being a man from her than I ever did being around him.”
I can’t help the tears streaming down my face, not out of shame or disgust, but for the little boy who had to endure such pain. “Your mother was wise.”
“The biggest regret I have is that I couldn’t protect her. She needed me. She needed me to be a man, and I couldn’t…”
“Alex, stop…you were just a child. You can’t blame yourself.” A flicker of anger courses through his intense blue eyes.
“She stayed with him because she needed money; money to take care of the mistake that he never wanted. You know what that means?” I shake my head, not understanding where he’s going. “She got beat for years because of me. Not only could I not protect her, but the only reason she stayed was to ensure I was fed and cared for.”
“She loved you. She wanted you to have everything you needed.”
“I needed her. If she just took better care of herself…maybe...” Alex shutters and a single tear escapes his angered eyes. “It doesn’t matter anymore. There’s nothing I can do to help her now, all I can do is not make the same mistakes. And, regardless of the situation, my dad got what he deserved.”
“When was the last time you saw your dad?”
“When the cops were dragging me off of his limp body. I would do it again…next time…they wouldn’t be able to stop me. I’m stronger now, but as far as I’m concerned, he’s dead to me.” Alex’s words scare me, because I believe him. His anger is the same I felt the night Cole came to my apartment and what I felt during the fundraiser.
He must sense my unease and breaks the silence. “I don’t want to talk about him anymore. The past is the past; let’s leave it where it belongs.” And on that we couldn’t agree more. I wasn’t one that liked to dredge up my past, either.
“I’m feeling a bit sticky, want to take a bath?”
On that note, I smile at my strong, troubled man, and nod. Carrying me into the bathroom, I nuzzle into his neck and bask in this moment of solidarity.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
My eyes struggle to focus as the sun shines in through the large bay window. I’m more exhausted than normal, but that’s probably due to last night’s excursions. I stretch, reaching out for Alex, but only grasp the soft cotton bed sheets. No Alex. Hmpf.
“Good morning sleepy head. I didn’t want to wake you.” Carrying a silver tray covered in an assortment of pastries and coffee, Alex comes striding in the bedroom door. “You looked so peaceful and since we didn’t have to be up for another hour, I thought I’d get breakfast.” The tray is adorned with a single daisy and my love is adorned with a wide smile, dimples completely visible, stealing my breath away.
“Good morning,” whispering as I stretch. Reaching for the bed sheet, I wrap it around my bust as Alex approaches. I feel a little insecure this morning and not sure why. He sees me, mind and body, but there is so much more he doesn’t know. So much I need to tell him, but there’s never a good time. I reluctantly put that away for safe keeping. I’m not going to ruin this morning, not after last night. One deprived story at a time. “What do we have here?”
“Well, I have a little bit of everything…what does my Hart desire?” Glancing at the tray, a small chocolate muffin stands alone. I grab the pastry and start to peel its wrapper slowly. “I expected your appetite would be a little more….substantial?”
“My appetite is substantial, but not for breakfast…” I smile, shyly looking into Alex’s eyes.
Our passionate moment is interrupted by the annoying ring of my cell phone. Who would be calling at seven in the morning? Maggie’s name flashes across my screen. “Alex, its Maggie!” I place my finger to my mouth, signaling for him to remain quiet as I answer the call. “Hi, Maggie!”
”Elyssa, good morning! How’s sunny San Diego?” Alex comes closer, rubbing his hand up my thigh, snuggling up to my throat. I can barely think straight. Trying to formulate a sentence while Alex is touching me is nearly impossible.
I giggle as his hand reaches my upper thigh, still kissing my neck. “Lovely; feels more like a vacation than work.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re having fun. Listen…the guys from Britt and Sterne called last night. Does a guy by the name of Barney ring a bell?” My mind searches back to yesterdays meet and greet and to the gentleman who kept accommodating Oliver.
“Yes, I met him yesterday.”
“Well, they want to have a meeting with us and asked that I set it up. I called Mr. James, but he’s not answering.” If she only knew where Mr. James really was. “Probably has some hot blonde in his bed as we speak,” she mumbles under her breath. “So can you let him know and just make sure you guys meet them at 6:00 p.m. at the hotel restaurant?”
“Yes, I’ll let him know.” Does she really think he’s that type of man? One that would go away on a business trip and bring some random girl to his hotel room? It doesn’t matter, Elyssa. He’s here with you. Not anyone else. Suck it up!
We say our goodbyes and Alex sits up waiting for an explanation. I continue eating my chocolate muffin, not realizing the next sentence is going to be the end of our blissful morning. “We’re having dinner with the guys from Britt & Sterne tonight at six.”
“Says who?” he questions grumpily.
I look at him, not knowing where the mood shift came from. “Maggie.”
“Well that should be interesting,” he mumbles standing up, walking towards the bathroom.
“Why?”
“That’s Oliver’s firm.” Alex slips into the bathroom, effectively ending our conversation. Tension builds inside me as Alex completely closes the door, shutting me out.
~~~~~
Alex greets the hostess as I check the time on my cell phone; six
o’clock on the dot. I glance around the restaurant and my heart skips a beat, more so with anxiety, as I spot Oliver and Barney sitting towards the middle of the dining area. I pat Alex on the forearm to get his attention. Looking at me, a sweet smile quickly forms on his lips, but as I point towards their table, his smile disappears. I think Alex was hoping Oliver wouldn’t be here. Playing his role well, Alex puts his game face on and gestures for me to walk first.
Oliver rises as we approach, pulling a chair out for me to sit next to him. Alex fumes, but regains his composure remembering where he is, taking the only empty seat. I steal a glance to my right and notice him popping his knuckles in frustration. The waiter comes over immediately, and Alex orders a scotch and soda, I ask for an apple martini, while Oliver and Barney ask for another glass of Brandy.
The men start in on a conversation regarding the compensation rates session we attended earlier. Not having anything to add, I glance at the other restaurant patrons. Everyone here seems to be enjoying themselves and you can’t blame them. The company they keep and the open and cozy restaurant makes for the start of an incredible evening. Vela is a nice change from the restaurants in the hotels in Las Vegas. It’s nice to have simple luxury with an open visual space, oh and the impressive view of the ocean doesn’t hurt.
“Bored?” I’m brought out of my visual exploration by Oliver’s deep throaty voice. I’m slightly taken back by his rugged good looks. He’s rather handsome in his blazer and blue button up collared shirt. And, his unshaven face, with his sly smile would make any girl swoon. But, because I’m taken in every way possibly, I just smile.
“What? No, of course not. I just don’t have too much input on compensation rates.”
“Well, how is your compensation rates, Elyssa?” Alex rolls his eyes at Oliver’s intended joke.
“I am compensated just fine.” Don’t you worry your pretty little face, Oliver. My V.P. makes sure I’m completely taken care of.
“Maybe I need to move to Vegas then.” He elbows Barney as he teases. “Make sure that fine turns into more than fine.”
Barney decides to chime in, realizing the inappropriateness of Oliver’s comment and the reaction of Alex almost spitting out his water. “Hey James, are you guys going out to the karaoke bar tonight?”
Oliver’s eyes focus directly on me for the response, but I turn to my Alex for his reply. Alex grips my knee underneath the table and answers for both of us, “Yah, the guys from Boston gave us the invite earlier. We were thinking about going. You?”
“Oliver was saying that he wasn’t interested, but if you guys are going, maybe I can tag along.” My body eases knowing there might not be an Alex/Oliver conflict taking place for the rest of the night.
“Wait Barney, this evening’s getting more and more interesting. Maybe I haven’t given karaoke enough of a chance.” Alex’s grip on my knee tightens. I place my hand on his trying to steady him. “We can all share a cab!” Oliver’s enthusiasm sends my stomach into knots.
CHAPTER 17
The cab ride to the bar in Chula Vista is awkward to say the least. I’m literally sitting between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I have my heart, the man I adore and rely on, and on the other hand I have Oliver…who is…well he’s Oliver, relentlessly intense. Both seem to despise one another, for reasons far beyond my knowledge and both are oblivious to the position they’ve placed me in. The only light energy in the car is Barney; all smiles from the passenger seat, seeming to muse at how the night’s turning out. He doesn’t look like the type of guy who gets to go out all that often, so tonight is definitely a treat.
As I sit and ponder the different roles we have to play, it’s extremely difficult to separate how I’m supposed to act versus how I know I feel. It’s hard enough to ignore my increased heartbeat every time Alex is near, but to expect me to hide my feelings for him is nearly impossible. At times like this, it’s hard not to feel like his dirty little secret.
I shake my head as my frustration builds. All I wanted to do was go out tonight with Alex, my boyfriend, not Alex, the V.P. Not only is this situation awkward, the disappointment I feel is a bit overwhelming.
When the cab stops, Alex and Oliver exit in unison, both leaving their doors open for me. I glance from left to right. If I wasn’t so deeply in love, there might be a decision to make. Oliver is ruggedly handsome, with his devilish smile and engrossing personality, but there was never a choice; I don’t even have to take a second look. Without hesitation, I exit to my left, allowing Alex to help me out of the car.
Brusquely shutting his door, I almost miss Oliver’s small tantrum as he rolls his eyes in my direction. Almost. Seriously, how old are we? I’m not sure where this competition between them developed, but I refuse to be another rope in their game of tug-o-war. I resign to ask Alex why he loathes Oliver, but much, much later. Right now, I need to focus on getting through the night. I was excited earlier, at the prospect of having a night out with my boyfriend. But, now that we’re here, I can’t help but wish we had stayed in.
With Barney and Oliver leading the way, we walk towards the front door side by side. A giggle escapes as I become conscious of the predicament I’ve put myself in. Wearing two hats all the time is exhausting; I don’t know how Alex does it. One moment I’m Elyssa Hart, Sales Executive at Salerno Health, playing the role of a studious employee. The next, I’m Elyssa Hart, girlfriend to sex God, Alexander James. Problem is, I’m not always aware of what character Alex is playing, and that in itself is very confusing.
Sometimes, my heart doesn’t seem to understand the limitations I’ve set. For instance, as we walk in the door, my heart wants to reach out and grip Alex’s elbow, to hold him close and caress the lean muscles under his dress shirt. But, my mind, along with Alex’s odd gaze, makes the decision for me. Reluctantly slinking back, I’m forced to cease and desist. Damn mind, why can’t you leave me be?
As we approach the entrance, Alex absentmindedly holds the door open allowing me to walk in front of him, not bothering with any semblance of caring. I’m not sure if it’s the tension or the flurry of emotions, but I have to blink a few times to stop the angry tears from forming. Stop it, Ely! You know he cares for you. He has two hats to wear, too.
Walking into the dark bar, the pressure from the surround sound is a bit much. I can feel the bass in the pit of my stomach, and not in a good way. But, not wanting to damper anyone’s mood, I quickly adapt, immersing myself into the fun and carefree atmosphere. Pushing through the crowd of huddled people catching up with one another, we now have a perfect view of the couches surrounding the karaoke area. Our animated Bostonian colleagues are already completely engrossed in conversation as they raise their glasses, laughing full heartedly.
With his hands remaining at his side, Alex leans over and whispers in my ear, “I’m going to get us drinks.” His light breath tickles, arousing the ache that has built since dinner. I clench my lips together and nod. The need to feel his hand on me is more than I can take. In this moment, the simple brush of his hand against my skin would be enough to send me over the edge.
Instead, I watch Alex retreat to the bar, and I’m left alone. For a brief moment, I feel awkward in the noisy crowd. But, before I can get caught up in my own self pity, a sturdy hand catches me off guard, dragging me over to the seating area. Pulling myself away from Oliver’s grip, he laughs at my discomfort, gesturing for me to follow him towards a love seat. As I take my seat, Oliver plops down next to me with a large contagious grin stamped on his face. I can’t fight the urge to smile back at him. Oliver has a masculine quality, but his boyish charm is hard to resist. Unlike Cole, who is just immature, Oliver is definitely a man, but a man with boyish tendencies.
“I really didn’t want to come tonight,” he admits, leaning over so he doesn’t have to yell. “Karaoke has never been my thing.”
“Why did you change your mind?” Please, please, please say it has nothing to do with me.
“You.” Crap! I blush. �
��Plus, anything to piss off Mr. Hoity-Toity James.” Here we go again. This constant rivalry between Alex and Oliver is nauseating. I don’t understand how two men who are polar opposites, yet have the same endearing qualities, can be so competitive. Of course, they are both extremely attractive and can probably have anyone they want, but why the animosity. Alex is accomplished in the corporate world and Oliver doesn’t seem to be struggling for business, either. I’m completely baffled.
“Why don’t you like Mr. James?” I tilt my head looking at Oliver’s side profile as he laughs and claps for the two Bostonians, who have taken the stage.
He peeks over at me before answering. “It’s not that I don’t like him,” pausing a moment, Oliver tilts his head in thought. “Well, actually yah, it’s cause I don’t like him.” I chuckle. At least he’s honest. “I don’t know how to explain it. He’s so uptight and arrogant. He acts like he owns the world…including his employees. Doesn’t it bother you that he treats you like a possession?”
“Me?” I ask, flabbergasted. If you only knew how much he does own me, heart and soul, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
“Yes, you. I don’t understand how you can work with someone like that. The way you address him, you’d think he was fifty years old. He does have a first name, doesn’t he? Plus, I think he’s a total piece of shit.” Whoa, where did that come from? Really, a piece of shit? That’s harsh. “He doesn’t deserve his position at SHI.” Oliver is clearly irritated, distain etched into every word. Wow, this is more deep rooted than I would have ever imagined. But, it still doesn’t explain the tension between the two of them.