At least she hadn’t run screaming from the room, and she hadn’t thrown anything at his head. Yet that didn’t alleviate the self-loathing that filled every pore of his being. His jaw worked. Finally, he uttered the words dancing on his tongue. “Every five years, there is a chance the curse might be broken. This only occurs during one full moon a quarter in that five-year span—we don’t know which moon.”
She blew out a breath that ruffled the baby-fine curls on her forehead. “And somehow you believe I can help break this curse.” Her eyes narrowed. “How?”
“Only when pure, unselfish love crosses my lips beneath the full moon can the curse break.” Every word felt pulled from him, for with each one she wilted a little more.
“Oh.” Alice bowed her head, and he gasped at the severed connection. “You knew this all along so you manipulated me, courted me with every intention of making me fall in love with you.” Disappointment wove through her voice to further chill him.
“Yes, but we get on well together, and I truly believe you’ll do the title of duchess proud.” That wasn’t a lie. Every day that went by she impressed him even more.
“Poor consolation for a woman who is now trapped.” When she raised her head, her eyes flashed silver lightning. “You wanted my body.”
How could he deny it when the bald facts were already there? “Yes, but I—” But what? Have no plans to set up housekeeping with her or even welcome her into his life once the curse released its shackles?
“You knew all along you wanted specific things from me.” Each word cut through his chest with the accuracy of a sharp dagger. “You charmed me like you’ve done countless others.” She threw a glance about the room and gasped, clutched the bedclothes higher up her person. “Oh, God, how many mistresses have been in this same room, that same bed, the place where you… where we…?” Tears pooled in her eyes, magnifying the gray depths. “This somehow cheapens what we’ve shared.” She struggled for control. “You used me then and now you’ll do so again.” Her gaze bore into his. “As if I wasn’t worth the truth.”
“You were, and I should have done things differently.” Yet he could hardly have asked her if she might consider falling for him to break a curse after he met her on that public road, naked. Anything he’d say now would sound trite. “I am truly sorry.”
Tears fell to her cheeks. “I am, too.”
Those crystalline drops of moisture tore through him. Yes, women had cried in his presence before, but those had been crocodile tears designed to make him offer gifts or trinkets and baubles. Alice was truly in distress, her sadness and suffering caused by him alone. “It sounds horrible when spoken aloud, and I’m not saying my part in this debacle wasn’t heinous. However, time is of the essence, and I am desperate to banish the curse.” Perhaps it would mean more if he tried the honest approach. He took a few steps toward her. “I’ve been a slave to the beast year after year since I was old enough to become aware of my differences. It has grown weary. I wish to live as a free man—a fully human man. Is that such a bad thing?” He snatched up an Oriental-style dressing gown that lay on the foot of the bed and thrust his arms through the sleeves, tying the sash as the silence grew between them.
“No.” Alice wiped at the moisture on her cheeks. She took the first tentative steps toward his location. He couldn’t breathe the closer she drew. “No, it is not too much to ask, for if given the chance, I too would choose to be free of my affliction.” When she closed the distance and lifted a hand to his face, he concentrated on his rapid pulse and the coolness of her fingertips on his skin. “This doesn’t mean I’m not still angry with you.”
“I understand.” It was a start, but there was much ahead of them to overcome if she could indeed lift the curse. “Above everything, I regret breaking your trust.”
“Words are meaningless. Show me you’ve changed by your actions.” She brought her nose close to his, her breath fanning over his cheek. “Is it horrible living with a beast inside you? I cannot imagine what that must feel like.”
Donovan dared to cup her face between his hands. “Think of it as a never-ending conscience that doesn’t mind his own business.” When she smiled, he dared even more and brushed his lips over hers, but she pulled out of his arms.
“I’m not ready for a return of intimacy between us so soon.” One of her eyebrows rose. “And most assuredly not in that bed.” Her tone brooked no argument.
“I deserve that.” He sighed. Most times, when a woman went out of temper with him, he bought them a gift and their mood cleared. However, negotiations with Alice were more delicate. She demanded better of him and the situation. “Perhaps you’ll adjoin to my sitting room with me?”
She nodded and held out a hand while still clutching the bedclothes to her chest with the other.
“Good.” Donovan caressed his gaze along the slender slope of her back. She had the dearest dimple at the base of her spine that he couldn’t wait to press his lips to. Tamping down his growing reaction, he took her hand and led her out of the sleeping chamber into the room beyond, a private area where he often read or shut himself away from his responsibilities. “Do you wish to know more?”
“I do.”
“Even better.” He took a seat on a low sofa of navy crushed velvet and pulled her down with him. “However, it is complicated.”
“As are you.” She didn’t protest when he kept hold of her hand and threaded their fingers together. “But I do understand why you did what you did.”
Donovan sighed as he leaned against the furniture’s high back. “I have made mistakes in my past before I realized how dangerous I could be without control of the beast. During the war, I killed many men, but war isn’t an excuse to give the animal its head.” He remained silent and she didn’t interrupt. “I refuse to be that man again, so I constantly fight with my wolf. He is more violent than I am, he has a completely different way of thinking.”
“Which one of you wins?”
“Whichever of us is stronger that day.” He sighed. “I try not to let the wolf have control over me, for that would not end well. But the most I want you to know is that I’m not a savage, nor do I kill people… unless threatened.”
She turned her head toward him. “Would you have murdered Joe that day?”
“Honestly?” When she nodded, he said, “I perceived your life was threatened. He very nearly raped you. That is an unforgivable crime, and the beast doesn’t take kindly to that. I didn’t think; I just shifted and let the animal have his way. I knew in that moment I wanted to protect you from every bad or foul thing that might come against you in life.”
“It is dangerous, what you do.” Alice put her face close to his and studied his eyes. “While you are struggling, please be careful. Though I’m annoyed with you at present, you are my husband and this is my life now. What affects you affects me also, and I will support you in any way that I can.” She searched his eyes, and he hoped she’d find something redeeming in him. “Don’t act the arse merely because you aren’t fully human.”
Relief poured into him. He kissed her cheek. “Thank you. I’ll endeavor to make your days pleasant until the full moon.”
“And after that?” Trepidation hung on the question.
“Only time will tell.” The lie came easy, but his gut felt as if he’d been punched.
When will your penchant for using people end? his wolf wished to know.
This time it was he who remained silent.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
September 27, 1815
London
Alice had spent much of the morning familiarizing herself with her new home as well as the staff who worked there, and with Elizabeth as a companion and guide, it hadn’t been as overwhelming or daunting as she’d assumed.
As she moved through the rooms starting with a drawing room where she touched sculptures, bowls, figurines, curtains, and furnishings, Elizabeth described the pieces or gave brief histories, if any. The anecdotes made Alice feel as if she
were more connected instead of a recent transplant.
She gave the same treatment to any member of the duke’s staff she encountered, from the grouchy butler to the eager footmen to timid maids. Every face she felt, every smile or frown she traced, and if they thought her odd, they were too well-trained to say so. With each meeting, Elizabeth said their name and their place within the household, described their hair and eye color, gave her an insight as to what they enjoyed and what they excelled at.
Throughout the tour, she remained distracted regarding the duke’s revelations of the night before. Long after he’d stopped talking, she’d sat next to him in the quiet, listening to the sound of his breathing, reveling in the heat of his body as it had seeped into hers, traced her fingertips up and down his arm until he’d attempted another bout of love making, but she declined and had retreated to the duchess suite at the end of the hall.
Even now her heart twinged, for she’d meant what she’d said—she wouldn’t have relations with him in the same apartments where he’d entertained countless other women. The fragile state of her budding emotions weren’t strong enough to survive her mental comparisons.
Donovan had greeted her in the morning room for breakfast, and then he closeted himself away in his study with his man-of-affairs as well as his solicitor. The legalities of their new union bewildered her, but he didn’t share his thoughts, nor did he tell her what he’d intended with the newly drawn up documents.
“You are wool-gathering,” Elizabeth said softly as they wandered through a parlor.
“I apologize.” She stopped when the other woman did and she slid her arm from hers. “I’m afraid my mind is on Donovan.”
“That’s understandable. You married him yesterday. No doubt there will be an adjustment period… to everything.” Elizabeth took her arm once more and led her through the room and into the corridor beyond. “This morning, my maid informed me that you’d slept the night in the duchess suite.” Curiosity lingered in the statement, but she didn’t outright question why. “Is this where you’ll remain going forward?”
Alice heaved a sigh. “I’m not certain.”
“My brother told you, didn’t he?” Resignation clung to the words.
Does she fear I’ll leave?
“He did.” Content to let the other woman guide her through the corridors, she continued. “You knew what your brother was about, yet you didn’t say so to me, or at the very least warn me.” It wasn’t an accusation but a mere statement of fact. Everyone around her concerning Donovan had secrets to keep. Was it for her protection or his?
“What could I do?” Elizabeth slowed her pace as she lowered her voice. “I’d already lectured him against hurting you, breaking your trust, but he has always wished to lift the curse and live free. How could I begrudge him that, for I cannot imagine what his life is.” She squeezed Alice’s arm. “I’m afraid it’s a conundrum at best.”
“Definitely a puzzle.” But did Donovan wish for someone to solve it? She had no interest in the few rooms Elizabeth pulled her through, for her mind was consumed with her new husband. “Has he ever been in love with a woman?”
Elizabeth paused in what she called a sun room that was at Alice’s disposal if she wanted to work on correspondence, household menus, and event planning or the like. It certainly lived up to its name, for a wealth of windows on one side allowed sunshine to pour in and warm Alice’s face. “Once. The lady broke his heart upon finding out about his truth. She was quite cruel about it.” A stretch of silence grew between them. “Donovan was devastated. That was five years ago—the last time the curse could be broken. He’s stopped trying for love in recent years. I think he fears it’s impossible.”
“Considering the history of previous title holders, it’s no wonder he’s concerned.”
“He told you of the previous dukes?”
“He briefly touched on it, so I put together the rest myself.” Alice smiled. “Also, your servants talk. I might be blind but I am not deaf.” Everyone assumed if one had a handicap then they must be deficient in other ways as well. “I shall make it a mission to educate them.”
“I’m so sorry.” Elizabeth hugged her and then released her as abruptly. “It seems an adjustment period on the part of everyone is mandatory, but please know that I, as well as the staff, are pleased you’ve come to us and have married the duke.”
Shock moved through her. “Why? What difference can one woman make?”
“Donovan, for all that he’s a good man, is often troubled and moody. When he’s wrestling with the beast, he’s quiet, sullen and at times snarly. And the women he’s kept company with are nothing but grasping, vain creatures who add no value to life.” Elizabeth’s laugh swept away some of Alice’s concerns. “With your arrival we are all hoping for a breath of fresh air, so to speak. A chance at new life.”
“Such a lofty goal and large weight upon my back,” Alice murmured. Since her companion mentioned it and Alice’s curiosity ran rampant, she asked, “He’s had many mistresses?”
“Yes. I think some of those women have been curiosity seekers, for the curse on his name has long been bandied through the ton as rumors. But since meeting you, Donovan has stopped all such behaviors. He hasn’t entertained a woman for weeks even before you met.” The smile in her voice was more than evident. “I noticed the change in him even if he denies it, so I look forward to what’s in his future.”
Hope warmed her and shimmered in her mind’s eye as a cloud of sparkling opal. “I hope you’re right.”
Elizabeth set them into motion once more. “It sounds trite, I know, but only time will tell.”
Time, the great equalizer and healer. Alice smiled. “Will he ever let himself love again?” It was one thing for her to love him, but if there was no chance of the man returning those feelings? Life would stretch long and empty indeed. Could she survive?
“I am not certain.” Elizabeth sighed. “It largely depends on the woman, for our parents’ union was fraught with animosity and resentment. There was no real love there, and I think Donovan fears he will suffer the same fate.”
“Ah, and he keeps his relationships shallow to thwart bearing his heart.” Perhaps she understood him more now, but that didn’t lessen her worry.
“Yes, because of the curse. It’s a horrible task master and leaves him isolated. There is only so much I can do for him.”
“I understand.”
Elizabeth squeezed her arm. “Please say that you’ll try with him. I…” Her voice wavered. “I want my brother to find happiness. For too long he’s struggled with a life not of his own design. No one deserves that.”
Tears prickled the backs of Alice’s eyes. “I will stay true to the vows I said to him, but eventually, he will need to help himself. A man makes his own decisions regardless of his situation.”
Please, God, give me the strength to endure what will, I fear, be a long road.
The tour of the duke’s townhouse resumed. They inspected a lavish ballroom, another drawing room, an additional parlor and then went down into the kitchens where Alice was given copious snacks, which she exclaimed over, much to the cook’s delight. With promises to meet and go over menus soon, she and Elizabeth moved on. She met Mrs. Bailey, the stalwart housekeeper, who fussed about her as if Alice were her long-lost child.
Alice enjoyed the attention and the warm welcome. After the coldness of Shalford, the difference was startling. Scullery and kitchen maids rushed to meet her, having already heard of her arrival from others. A few groomsmen and footmen lingered through the servants’ halls to greet her. The butler, Griggs, apologized profusely for his hard words from yesterday, which amused her, and then went out of his way to show her around his domain.
With a laugh, Elizabeth guided her back up the stairs. Once more on the second level, they went through the morning room where breakfast had been served, walked through a library that smelled of leather and old books, and her companion pointed out Donovan’s study, but neither of them
had the courage to interrupt the duke from his business, though Alice suffered an attack of butterflies in her belly when she heard the deep tenor of his voice through the closed door.
“And this,” Elizabeth said once they’d continued the tour, “is the last room on this level. It’s a little-used music room, and I cannot remember the last time it was opened.”
“A music room?” Alice’s heart beat a little faster. “How amazing.” She released Elizabeth’s arm in order to explore about the space. “Everything is covered in sheets.” Her hand encountered such draperies, and then deciding to utilize her authority as duchess, she tugged the sheets from every piece of furniture or musical instrument she found, especially those she discovered on a small stage three steps up from the floor.
“As I said, this room has been rather neglected.” Humor wove through Elizabeth’s voice. “Obviously, this makes you happy.”
“Oh yes.” Then Alice sucked in a surprised breath. “A pianoforte.” She moved to the next instrument. “Oh, dear heavens.” She couldn’t believe the evidence of her fingers as she plucked at familiar strings and light, lilting notes released into the air.
“What is wrong?” Ever on the alert, Elizabeth swept across the room to her side.
“You own a harp.” She couldn’t prevent the awe that fell over her as she continued to stroke her fingers along the graceful lines of the instrument and work its strings. “I know this instrument. I played one and was quite proficient before I was tossed from the baron’s home.” She swallowed around a lump of tears in her throat. “It was the one lady’s skill I conquered.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
“Oh, yes.” Alice smiled as she played a quick scale on the strings. Heavenly music, somewhat out of tune, floated around her. “It allowed me to express myself in a way that made my blindness fade.” She continued to pluck at the strings, anxious to sit with the instrument and rediscover that long-ago joy. “While I played, I imagined myself whole, and as I lost myself in the songs, for a while I was free of judgment, of the slights, of the resentment at being a poor relation, of the sadness of being alone.”
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