Don't Break This Kiss (Top Shelf Romance Book 5)

by Jessica Hawkins

  “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife,” the officiant said. “You may kiss the bride.”

  “Forever,” Andrew whispered to her.

  Honey smiled, feeling it reach all the way to her eyes. “Forever.”

  Billie

  My hands shook the entire four blocks to the coffee shop. That was what they had been doing since I received Jared’s text this morning. His message had come out of nowhere, and I still wasn’t sure what to think of it. But the thought of spending time with him in an environment that wasn’t related to the crash had created this anxious energy that had been pulsing through me all day.

  When I got through the door of the shop, I spotted him immediately. He was sitting in the corner at a small table, facing the entrance with his back to the wall.

  Our eyes connected.

  The flutter in my chest was there, but what joined it was a calm I didn’t feel when I was with Ally or my family. It was something I only felt when I was with him.

  With his stare on me, I made my way to the table. He stood as I got closer and stepped forward, meeting me at my chair. We reached for each other at the same time.

  “Hi,” I said softly, my arms wrapping around his neck.

  This hug was different than the one we’d had in the hallway. It was shorter, and he didn’t grip me as tightly. Just as I was feeling comfortable in his arms, he pulled away.

  “Thanks for coming,” he said as I sat in the seat across from his.

  His eyes narrowed. I felt him see all the way to the pit of my stomach, and I wondered if he saw the crash—the blood that had covered us, the screams that had come from my mouth, the feeling of my hands clinging to him.

  Or maybe when he looked at me, he just saw me.

  Without breaking eye contact, he raised his hand and called out, “Sue?” Within a few seconds, a woman came to the table. “Do you mind grabbing my friend Billie some coffee?”

  “What can I get you?” she asked me.

  Every coffee order I’d ever made was a jumble of words in my head. “I’ll take anything, just not too sweet.”

  He waited until she left before he said, “It’s been a couple of days since I saw you. How have you been?”

  It was almost overwhelming to be in his presence again, especially after thinking it wouldn’t happen for a long time, if ever.

  I didn’t have an answer, so I looked out the window. People were passing. All of them moving so quickly.

  And I … still wasn’t.

  “I’m supposed to be in Vegas tonight.” I swallowed and looked back at him. “I canceled the flight and the contract.” There was a tightness in my throat that was growing as fast as my mouth was watering. “I canceled a lot of contracts today.”

  “Why?”

  I shrugged, the movement causing a drip to fall down my cheek. I wiped it away, not even sure when it had formed. “I gave my clients an option. Some took it; others didn’t.”

  He didn’t respond immediately. “Because you can’t fly to them.”

  I nodded. “I know it’s controlling me. I know I’m letting it win, but … I just can’t.”

  I’d talked about it with my therapist and my family and Ally.

  Talking helped.

  But it didn’t take it away.

  The waitress returned to our table, setting a coffee in front of me. I thanked her and wrapped my hands around it.

  “How are you doing?” I asked him once she was gone.

  “I have a hard time sleeping, but I’m all right.”

  He didn’t look thinner than when I’d met him. He wasn’t drunk or disheveled. All I could see were bags under his eyes. He was handling it, and that was inspiring.

  “What part keeps you awake?”

  His fingers went to his beard, combing through the hairs. “The silence.”

  I searched his eyes. “When did that happen?”

  Loud was all I remembered. A mix of painful sounds that still made me want to cover my ears.

  “The moment after the crash, when the plane stopped moving.” He leaned forward, his hands crossing on the table. “The moment right before I knew you were alive.”

  I didn’t know what to say.

  I was literally speechless.

  If my mind really went there, I didn’t know what would happen to my heart, so I avoided it and asked, “How are you flying? Because I can’t wrap my head around that.”

  “I told you, you have to return to your life and your job and stay busy. That’s the only way it’ll get better.”

  I was trying to do all of it.

  But flying was out of the question.

  He stayed in the same position, halfway across the short table, his fingers brushing against his mug when he asked, “What’s the part that scares you?”

  I’d been thinking about that a lot, and I’d discussed it in therapy.

  At least once a day, I tried to picture myself at JFK, a bag of Twizzlers in my purse, a coffee in my hand. I envisioned myself stepping onto the plane and getting comfortable in my seat.

  The second I sat down was when the panic would set in, and I would quit the exercise.

  Every time.

  “That it will happen again,” I admitted.

  “Not surviving it a second time …”

  I shook my head harder than I needed to. “I don’t want to find out.”

  “I’m going to get you in the air.”

  A fluttering moved into my chest. Not the kind I got when I saw him. This was the kind that squeezed my heart and wouldn’t let go.

  “We’ll go somewhere close. Nantucket, Martha’s Vineyard, Seaside Heights—one of those. We’ll grab dinner and fly back to the city.”

  “There’s a Peruvian restaurant on Martha’s Vineyard called Selva,” I told him. “One of the best I’ve ever been to. Their ceviche is …” I waited for my stomach to grumble, to feel a shooting pain of hunger. But there was nothing. “It’s quite incredible.”

  “That’s where we’ll go.”

  I wanted nothing more.

  But I said, “I can’t,” instead.

  “Not now, but you will soon.”

  I wondered if today was the start of a countdown or if Flight 88 was the last plane I’d ever be on.

  Jared

  As I sat across from Billie at the coffee shop, I watched her struggle with her emotions. Since she’d arrived, there had been tears and silence, even a moment when I had seen her fight a smile that never ended up coming out. Through it all, she’d been so honest. She didn’t sugarcoat her feelings or try to hide them.

  Her candor would help her get through this; she just needed more time to heal.

  “I worry we’ll get in the air,” she said, “and I’ll completely lose it, making a scene so the pilot turns around.”

  “That won’t happen.”

  “How do you know?”

  I leaned in further, as close as I could get to the table without moving my chair. “Because you’ll be with me.”

  I watched that hit her, and then I saw her try to shove it away.

  Jesus Christ.

  Even if it was the truth, I needed to be more careful with my responses.

  “My job requires me to fly every week,” she said. “I can’t put you in my pocket and take you out every time I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.”

  There was no sarcasm in her tone. This was what real fear looked like.

  “I want to tell you something …” I glanced past her to the counter where Sue was standing and then back at the girl whose haunted eyes were so much like mine. “The woman who delivered your coffee had lost her son two years ago to leukemia. He was four.” There was a shift in her expression, and that was what I had been after. “The woman who works in the kitchen is Sue’s sister. About a year ago, her husband beat her to an inch of her life. She stays in the back because she needs several more surgeries on her face, and she doesn’t want anyone to see it.”

  “My G
od.”

  “The reason I’m telling you this is because they survived when they’d thought they wouldn’t. I know it’s something you question every single day, whether you’re going to get through this, and I promise you, you will. You’re going to survive this, Billie.”

  She turned her cup in a circle like it was a glass of wine. “Why do you want to help me, Jared?”

  I held her eyes while I said, “Because I can,” and then I pushed back my chair, knowing if I checked my watch, it would tell me it was time to go. “I’m sorry, but I have a flight to catch.”

  I watched her tense at the mention of it.

  I took a final drink of the coffee, set it on the table, and stood. “I’ll see you when I get back.”

  “You will?”

  I moved next to her chair, and my hand went to her shoulder, the faint bruises somewhere under there. “How else will I be able to get you on a plane?” I waited for a smile. There wasn’t one. “Stay, finish your drink. I’ll have Sue send over a pumpkin muffin; she makes the best.”

  “I just ate,” she whispered, “but thank you.”

  I left the coffee shop, knowing that was the first time Billie had lied to me.

  Honey

  Summer 1985

  On their three-month anniversary, Andrew took Honey out to dinner.

  It wasn’t an occasion they had planned to celebrate. Honey hadn’t even been sure he would be back from the hospital before the restaurants closed. But when he’d walked through their front door around eight that night and pulled his wife into his arms, they’d both suggested going to supper at the same time.

  They’d picked an Italian restaurant that was a block from their condo, and just as they finished dessert, Andrew reached across the table and placed his hand on hers.

  “I want to talk to you about something.”

  Honey had sensed this was coming. It was a feeling she had gotten the moment he hugged her after work. She wondered if he had been able to feel the same thing from her since there was something she also wanted to discuss with him.

  “You can tell me anything,” she said, swiping her thumb over his wrist. “You know that.”

  He didn’t come right out with it. Instead, he stared at her for several seconds, making her face warm and her body tingle. And as the anticipation was building within her, he dropped, “Honey, I’m ready to be a father.”

  The warmth from her cheeks trickled down her neck and went into her belly, a spot she’d been watching since they got married. Not because there was a baby in it, but because she wished there were.

  “Andrew,” she whispered, feeling the tickling move to the back of her mouth, “I want nothing more than to be a mother.” The emotion in her throat stopped her from speaking any louder.

  Coming off her birth control was the conversation she’d wanted to have with her husband, so she was in shock that he had brought it up. At the same time, hearing they were both ready and wanting to be parents made her so pleased.

  Honey always knew Andrew wanted children. When they had discussed having them in the past, they never mentioned a timeline, just their desire for wanting more than one. Now that they were married, Honey began to feel differently, and obviously, Andrew did, too.

  Honey squeezed his hand and whispered, “Baby,” across the table. She let the word simmer between them, the moment unfolding more perfectly than she could have imagined. “You have made me so incredibly happy.”

  He smiled that mischievous grin. “Come here.”

  Honey got up from her chair and walked to Andrew’s side of the table. And as though they were the only people in the restaurant, she climbed onto his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck.

  “I love you so much,” she said in his ear, and she smiled when he said it back. As she was holding him, she felt the pounding of his heart and his desire hardening beneath her, heating her skin that was already so hot. “Andrew …” she breathed, her grip tightening. “It’s time to go home.”

  Billie

  I was in the middle of editing a video for a new client when the sound of a text came from my phone. Pulling my eyes away from my computer, I checked my cell and saw Jared’s name on the screen.

  Jared: Dinner tomorrow night?

  At the coffee shop, he’d told me he would reach out when he got back from his trip.

  I was certainly glad he had, and my body responded, filling with a nervous energy.

  Me: I’d love to.

  Jared: Plan for 8. I’ll text you the address tomorrow.

  Me: How was your trip?

  A picture appeared of a cast iron skillet with a perfect piece of Dover sole in the middle, accompanied by shaved, multicolored fingerling potatoes and an assortment of root vegetables.

  He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who snapped pictures of his food. From what I could tell, he didn’t even have any personal social media accounts. That was why I got the feeling he had taken the picture just for me.

  I went into my emojis and chose the face with the heart eyes, sending that first before I typed a message.

  Me: Looks delicious.

  Jared: It was. I’ll see you tomorrow, Billie.

  I continued to stare at the screen, knowing I needed to get the client’s video edited soon in order to have it approved and uploaded in time.

  But I just couldn’t return to it. I was too focused on Jared’s message, on the picture, on the idea of seeing him for dinner tomorrow. I still didn’t know why he wanted to help me, and when I’d asked, he hadn’t really given me an answer. For now, I guessed it didn’t matter. I would take whatever he was willing to give just to spend more time with him.

  I knew Ally would be a huge fan of the idea. She had been ecstatic after she heard we’d gone for coffee. Once I told her about dinner, she would make a big production out of it. The timing was actually perfect. It had been a few days since I saw her, so we were overdue for a visit anyway.

  I lifted my phone again and began to type.

  Me: I’m having dinner with Jared tomorrow night.

  Ally: I knew I loved that man for a reason.

  Me: You just like that I’m going out to eat.

  Ally: You’d better eat …

  Me: Believe me, I want to. The thought of being there with him and grazing like this bird I’ve become makes me want to die.

  Ally: A glass of wine before you leave. Nonnegotiable.

  Ally: What are you going to wear?

  Me: Clothes.

  Ally: Don’t make my pregnant ass come over there and style you.

  Me: You’re not even showing yet.

  Ally: I’ll see you in an hour.

  Me: That was easy. ;)

  “That one,” Ally said as she sat at the end of my bed. “It’s my favorite by far.”

  I was standing in front of the mirror, wearing an outfit she’d insisted I try on. With the weight that had shed off since the crash, I was now in my skinny clothes. That was a section of my closet I hadn’t ventured into in years.

  I was eating. I just wasn’t eating like me.

  Still, every day, I was getting stronger, falling asleep a little easier, feeling the fogginess start to lift from my brain.

  “What do you think?” Ally asked from my bed. “Do we have ourselves a winner?”

  I glanced down my body before looking at her. “The top is extremely low.”

  “I don’t think it’s low enough.”

  I turned toward the mirror again, knowing she would probably have me wear lingerie if she could. “I just don’t want to send the wrong message.”

  “Billie, Jared’s eyes are going to be all over you regardless of what you wear.”

  Every time she brought him up, my face warmed. “Don’t say that … he could be married.”

  “We both know he’s not.”

  “We know nothing,” I corrected her.

  She released me to put her hands on her hips. “Well, I know everything, and I’m telling you, he’s not a married man.”r />
  Aside from not having a social media presence, an online search hadn’t turned up any personal information on him. He didn’t wear a ring, but many men didn’t.

  Since there was no reason to argue about this, I took a final look at myself, twisting to see every angle. “It’s on the maybe list, but I like it a lot.”

  “That means it’s a yes.”

  “You’re too much.” I went into my closet, hanging up the outfit and sliding into the yoga pants and tank I’d had on before.

  When I joined her on the bed, she was eating a bag of gooey red fish that she held out in my direction. I removed two, nibbling the first one.

  “What’s on your mind?”

  I glanced up, not realizing I’d been staring at the floor. “Him.” Even if I tried to hide it, she’d see right through me. “My head is all over the place right now.”

  “I can tell,” she replied. “And I can tell you have feelings for him.”

  My chest started to tighten. “Ally—”

  “Listen to me,” she said, setting down the candy to rest her other hand on my shoulder. “I want to put the married stuff aside for a second and just focus on you.” Her grip tightened. “You treat everything like a recipe, Billie. But you’re not going to be able to figure out the ingredients of this one.”

  I sighed. “I was afraid of that.”

  “Stop trying to work it all out in your head and just let it happen.”

  Several deep breaths moved in and out of my chest. “I’ll try.”

  “You’d better call me the second you get home … even if it’s not until the next morning.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh at her expression. “You always have to take it to the next level, don’t you?”

  “This is why I’m your bestie, bitch.”

  Jared