by Fanny Burney
CHAPTER vii
A PROJECT.
Several days passed on nearly in the same manner; the mornings wereall spent in gossipping, shopping and dressing, and the evenings wereregularly appropriated to public places, or large parties of company.
Meanwhile Mr Arnott lived almost entirely in Portman Square; he slept,indeed, at his own lodgings, but he boarded wholly with Mr Harrel, whosehouse he never for a moment quitted till night, except to attend Ceciliaand his sister in their visitings and rambles.
Mr Arnott was a young man of unexceptionable character, and of adisposition mild, serious and benignant: his principles and blamelessconduct obtained the universal esteem of the world, but his manners,which were rather too precise, joined to an uncommon gravity ofcountenance and demeanour, made his society rather permitted as a duty,than sought as a pleasure.
The charms of Cecilia had forcibly, suddenly and deeply penetrated hisheart; he only lived in her presence, away from her he hardly existed:the emotions she excited were rather those of adoration than of love,for he gazed upon her beauty till he thought her more than human, andhung upon her accents till all speech seemed impertinent to him but herown. Yet so small were his expectations of success, that not even tohis sister did he hint at the situation of his heart: happy in an easyaccess to her, he contented himself with seeing, hearing and watchingher, beyond which bounds he formed not any plan, and scarce indulged anyhope.
Sir Robert Floyer, too, was a frequent visitor in Portman Square, wherehe dined almost daily. Cecilia was chagrined at seeing so much ofhim, and provoked to find herself almost constantly the object of hisunrestrained examination; she was, however, far more seriously concernedfor Mrs Harrel, when she discovered that this favourite friend of herhusband was an unprincipled spendthrift, and an extravagant gamester,for as he was the inseparable companion of Mr Harrel, she dreaded theconsequence both of his influence and his example.
She saw, too, with an amazement that daily increased, the fatigue, yetfascination of a life of pleasure: Mr Harrel seemed to consider hisown house merely as an hotel, where at any hour of the night he mightdisturb the family to claim admittance, where letters and messages mightbe left for him, where he dined when no other dinner was offered him,and where, when he made an appointment, he was to be met with. Hislady, too, though more at home, was not therefore more solitary; heracquaintance were numerous, expensive and idle, and every momentnot actually spent in company, was scrupulously devoted to makingarrangements for that purpose.
In a short time Cecilia, who every day had hoped that the next wouldafford her greater satisfaction, but who every day found the presentno better than the former, began to grow weary of eternally running thesame round, and to sicken at the irksome repetition of unremitting yetuninteresting dissipation. She saw nobody she wished to see, as she hadmet with nobody for whom she could care; for though sometimes those withwhom she mixed appeared to be amiable, she knew that their manners, liketheir persons, were in their best array, and therefore she had too muchunderstanding to judge decisively of their characters. But whatchiefly damped her hopes of forming a friendship with any of the newacquaintance to whom she was introduced, was the observation she herselfmade how ill the coldness of their hearts accorded with the warmth oftheir professions; upon every first meeting, the civilities which wereshewn her, flattered her into believing she had excited a partialitythat a very little time would ripen into affection; the next meetingcommonly confirmed the expectation; but the third, and every futureone, regularly destroyed it. She found that time added nothing to theirfondness, nor intimacy to their sincerity; that the interest in herwelfare which appeared to be taken at first sight, seldom, with whateverreason, increased, and often without any, abated; that the distinctionshe at first met with, was no effusion of kindness, but of curiosity,which is scarcely sooner gratified than satiated; and that those wholived always the life into which she had only lately been initiated,were as much harassed with it as herself, though less spirited torelinquish, and more helpless to better it, and that they covetednothing but what was new, because they had experienced the insufficiencyof whatever was familiar.
She began now to regret the loss she sustained in quitting theneighbourhood, and being deprived of the conversation of Mr Monckton,and yet more earnestly to miss the affection and sigh for the societyof Mrs Charlton, the lady with whom she had long and happily residedat Bury; for she was very soon compelled to give up all expectation ofrenewing the felicity of her earlier years, by being restored to thefriendship of Mrs Harrel, in whom she had mistaken the kindness ofchildish intimacy for the sincerity of chosen affection; and thoughshe saw her credulous error with mortification and displeasure, sheregretted it with tenderness and sorrow. "What, at last," cried she, "ishuman felicity, who has tasted, and where is it to be found? If I,who, to others, seem marked out for even a partial possession ofit,--distinguished by fortune, caressed by the world, brought into thecircle of high life, and surrounded with splendour, seek without findingit, yet losing, scarce know how I miss it!"
Ashamed upon reflection to believe she was considered as an object ofenvy by others, while repining and discontented herself, she determinedno longer to be the only one insensible to the blessings within herreach, but by projecting and adopting some plan of conduct better suitedto her taste and feelings than the frivolous insipidity of her presentlife, to make at once a more spirited and more worthy use of theaffluence, freedom, and power which she possessed.
A scheme of happiness at once rational and refined soon presented itselfto her imagination. She purposed, for the basis of her plan, to becomemistress of her own time, and with this view, to drop all idle anduninteresting acquaintance, who, while they contribute neither to usenor pleasure, make so large a part of the community, that they mayproperly be called the underminers of existence; she could then shewsome taste and discernment in her choice of friends, and she resolvedto select such only as by their piety could elevate her mind, by theirknowledge improve her understanding, or by their accomplishments andmanners delight her affections. This regulation, if strictly adhered to,would soon relieve her from the fatigue of receiving many visitors,and therefore she might have all the leisure she could desire for thepursuit of her favourite studies, music and reading.
Having thus, from her own estimation of human perfection, culledwhatever was noblest for her society, and from her own ideas ofsedentary enjoyments arranged the occupations of her hours of solitude,she felt fully satisfied with the portion of happiness which her schemepromised to herself, and began next to consider what was due from her tothe world.
And not without trembling did she then look forward to the claims whichthe splendid income she was soon to possess would call upon her todischarge. A strong sense of DUTY, a fervent desire to ACT RIGHT, werethe ruling characteristics of her mind: her affluence she thereforeconsidered as a debt contracted with the poor, and her independence as atie upon her liberality to pay it with interest.
Many and various, then, soothing to her spirit and grateful to hersensibility, were the scenes which her fancy delineated; now shesupported an orphan, now softened the sorrows of a widow, now snatchedfrom iniquity the feeble trembler at poverty, and now rescued from shamethe proud struggler with disgrace. The prospect at once exalted herhopes, and enraptured her imagination; she regarded herself as an agentof Charity, and already in idea anticipated the rewards of a goodand faithful delegate; so animating are the designs of disinterestedbenevolence! so pure is the bliss of intellectual philanthropy!
Not immediately, however, could this plan be put in execution; thesociety she meant to form could not be selected in the house of another,where, though to some she might shew a preference, there were none shecould reject: nor had she yet the power to indulge, according to themunificence of her wishes, the extensive generosity she projected: thesepurposes demanded a house of her own, and the unlimited disposal of herfortune, neither of which she could claim till she became of age. Thatperiod, however, was only eight
months distant, and she pleasedherself with the intention of meliorating her plan in the meantime, andpreparing to put it in practice.
But though, in common with all the race of still-expecting man, shelooked for that happiness in the time to come which the present failedto afford, she had yet the spirit and good sense to determine uponmaking every effort in her power to render her immediate way of lifemore useful and contented.
Her first wish, therefore, now, was to quit the house of Mr Harrel,where she neither met with entertainment nor instruction, but wasperpetually mortified by seeing the total indifference of the friend inwhose society she had hoped for nothing but affection.
The will of her uncle, though it obliged her while under age to livewith one of her guardians, left her at liberty to chuse and to changeamongst them according to her wishes or convenience: she determined,therefore, to make a visit herself to each of them, to observe theirmanners and way of life, and then, to the best of her judgment, decidewith which she could be most contented: resolving, however, not to hintat her intention till it was ripe for execution, and then honestly toconfess the reasons of her retreat.
She had acquainted them both of her journey to town the morning afterher arrival. She was almost an entire stranger to each of them, as shehad not seen Mr Briggs since she was nine years old, nor Mr Delvilewithin the time she could remember.
The very morning that she had settled her proceedings for thearrangement of this new plan, she intended to request the use of MrsHarrel's carriage, and to make, without delay, the visits preparatoryto her removal; but when she entered the parlour upon a summons tobreakfast, her eagerness to quit the house gave way, for the present, tothe pleasure she felt at the sight of Mr Monckton, who was just arrivedfrom Suffolk.
She expressed her satisfaction in the most lively terms, and scruplednot to tell him she had not once been so much pleased since her journeyto town, except at her first meeting with Mrs Harrel.
Mr Monckton, whose delight was infinitely superior to her own, and whosejoy in seeing her was redoubled by the affectionate frankness of herreception, stifled the emotions to which her sight gave rise, anddenying himself the solace of expressing his feelings, seemed much lesscharmed than herself at the meeting, and suffered no word nor look toescape him beyond what could be authorised by friendly civility.
He then renewed with Mrs Harrel an acquaintance which had been formedbefore her marriage, but which [he] had dropt when her distance fromCecilia, upon whose account alone he had thought it worth cultivation,made it no longer of use to him. She afterwards introduced her brotherto him; and a conversation very interesting to both the ladies tookplace, concerning several families with which they had been formerlyconnected, as well as the neighbourhood at large in which they hadlately dwelt.
Very little was the share taken by Mr Arnott in these accounts andenquiries; the unaffected joy with which Cecilia had received MrMonckton, had struck him with a sensation of envy as involuntary as itwas painful; he did not, indeed, suspect that gentleman's secret views;no reason for suspicion was obvious, and his penetration sunk not deeperthan appearances; he knew, too, that he was married, and therefore nojealousy occurred to him; but still she had smiled upon him!--and hefelt that to purchase for himself a smile of so much sweetness, he wouldhave sacrificed almost all else that was valuable to him upon earth.
With an attention infinitely more accurate, Mr Monckton had returned hisobservations. The uneasiness of his mind was apparent, and the anxiouswatchfulness of his eyes plainly manifested whence it arose. From asituation, indeed, which permitted an intercourse the most constantand unrestrained with such an object as Cecilia, nothing less could beexpected, and therefore he considered his admiration as inevitable; allthat remained to be discovered, was the reception it had met from hisfair enslaver. Nor was he here long in doubt; he soon saw that she wasnot merely free from all passion herself, but had so little watched MrArnott as to be unconscious she had inspired any.
Yet was his own serenity, though apparently unmoved, little lessdisturbed in secret than that of his rival; he did not think him aformidable candidate, but he dreaded the effects of intimacy, fearingshe might first grow accustomed to his attentions, and then becomepleased with them. He apprehended, also, the influence of his sister andof Mr Harrel in his favour; and though he had no difficulty to persuadehimself that any offer he might now make would be rejected withouthesitation, he knew too well the insidious properties of perseverance,to see him, without inquietude, situated so advantageously.
The morning was far advanced before he took leave, yet he found noopportunity of discoursing with Cecilia, though he impatiently desiredto examine into the state of her mind, and to discover whether herLondon journey had added any fresh difficulties to the success of hislong-concerted scheme. But as Mrs Harrel invited him to dinner, he hopedthe afternoon would be more propitious to his wishes.
Cecilia, too, was eager to communicate to him her favourite project, andto receive his advice with respect to its execution. She had long beenused to his counsel, and she was now more than ever solicitous to obtainit, because she considered him as the only person in London who wasinterested in her welfare.
He saw, however, no promise of better success when he made hisappearance at dinner time, for not only Mr Arnott was already arrived,but Sir Robert Floyer, and he found Cecilia so much the object of theirmutual attention, that he had still less chance than in the morning ofspeaking to her unheard.
Yet was he not idle; the sight of Sir Robert gave abundant employment tohis penetration, which was immediately at work, to discover the motiveof his visit: but this, with all his sagacity, was not easily decided;for though the constant direction of his eyes towards Cecilia, proved,at least, that he was not insensible of her beauty, his carelessnesswhether or not she was hurt by his examination, the little pains he tookto converse with her, and the invariable assurance and negligence ofhis manners, seemed strongly to demonstrate an indifference to thesentiments he inspired, totally incompatible with the solicitude ofaffection.
In Cecilia he had nothing to observe but what his knowledge of hercharacter prepared him to expect, a shame no less indignant than modestat the freedom with which she saw herself surveyed.
Very little, therefore, was the satisfaction which this visit procuredhim, for soon after dinner the ladies retired; and as they had an earlyengagement for the evening, the gentlemen received no summons to theirtea-table. But he contrived, before they quitted the room, to make anappointment for attending them the next morning to a rehearsal of a newserious Opera.
He stayed not after their departure longer than decency required,for too much in earnest was his present pursuit, to fit him for suchconversation as the house in Cecilia's absence could afford him.