by K. A. Linde
“Lewis!” I called, hurrying as fast as I could in these heels over to where he stood with another guy.
He said something to said guy and then met me halfway.
“What’s wrong?” he asked immediately.
“Nothing. I’m just going to…head out. Could you tell Penn for me?”
“Wait, wait, wait, what?” His dark brown eyes widened with concern.
“I’m leaving.”
“I got that much, but where are you going to go?”
I shrugged. I hadn’t gotten that far. I just thought I would figure it out as I went. “I don’t know. Back to the beach house?”
“In the middle of the night? How are you even going to get there? Any way you look at it, it’s dangerous.”
“Okay, fine. You’re right. I know. I’ll get a hotel or something. But I don’t think I want to be here any longer.”
It would be smarter to stay and figure out what I was doing with the rest of the night. But Katherine was probably planning to stay, and I hadn’t exactly made plans for a slumber party. Penn, I didn’t even know if I wanted to face him right now. I didn’t know if I could keep all the questions running through my mind from bursting forth from my lips. It was better to stay on my own and take the bus back to the beach house in the morning.
“What is this about? Camden?” Lewis asked intuitively. “He’s a dick. I wouldn’t let anything he said upset you.”
“I’m not upset by him. I could tell he was a dick.”
“Then, why are you upset?”
“I just…don’t belong here,” I finally finished.
“Says who?”
“Well, Penn did that first night. And maybe he’s right.”
“The Upper East Side, admittedly, isn’t an easy crowd. But leaving now will prove that they can walk all over you.”
“It’s not going to prove anything,” I said, raising my chin, “because I’m not part of this crowd, and I never will be.”
I turned to leave, but Lewis reached out and grasped my arm.
“Don’t go running off into the night. You can stay at my place if you need to.”
“I couldn’t…”
“I’m offering.”
“What are you offering exactly?” Penn asked, appearing before us.
Lewis hastily dropped my arm. “I was just convincing Natalie not to run out of here alone.”
“You were going to leave?” Penn asked.
“Well, yeah. I am.” I defiantly tilted my chin up.
“You don’t have to do that. Camden left.”
“This has nothing to do with Camden.”
He narrowed his eyes. “If not Camden, then what?”
“I really don’t want to talk about it with you. Or anyone.” I turned back to Lewis. “I accept your offer. Can you take me back to your place?”
Penn’s head turned to look at Lewis with shock written across his face. “What?”
Lewis held his hands up. “Hey, man, I didn’t want her to run off into the night. I tried to convince her to stay.”
“After the last couple of weeks,” he said, looking back in my direction, “you were going to leave without saying anything?”
“Technically, I told Lewis to tell you,” I said with a shrug.
“Wait, weeks?” Lewis asked.
“Yes, I’ve been staying at the beach house with Natalie this whole time,” Penn said with as much defiance as me.
“Hey!” I chided.
We’d said we wouldn’t tell his friends that he was there, so they wouldn’t come bug us. He was about to ruin all of that.
“Okay, okay. I officially rescind my offer for you to stay at my place. I see that I stepped into the middle of this,” Lewis said.
“You didn’t step into the middle of anything,” I told them both vehemently.
“I think I did.” He nodded at us both and then left us alone.
“So, what really happened?” Penn asked, his voice lowering in concern.
“I said, I don’t want to talk about it. You know what? I’m just leaving.”
“Fine. I’ll take you back to my place.”
“Don’t you need to stay?”
Penn arched his eyebrow. “What part of this party made you think I wanted to be here for anything other than you?”
I snapped my mouth closed, speechless. That was not what I’d thought he would say.
“Me?”
He nodded. “I hate galas, but I came to this one to spend time with you. And then Katherine stole you the entire time. So, I would be happy to get out of here with you.”
I didn’t have anything to say to that. It was…romantic. I’d sworn I wouldn’t go down that road with him again. And still, my insides squirmed at the attention. I loved that he was ready to leave the party with me. And the look of concern on his face. And all the things that I shouldn’t care about. Including the uncontrollable jealousy I’d felt when I realized that he and Katherine had been…or maybe currently were an item. Going home with him would be against everything we’d worked toward.
But I found myself nodding anyway.
Then we were out of the building and into a waiting cab, headed toward his place.
Silence stretched between us. A silence that was tense. I’d never experienced this from him before. In Paris, we had conversed so effortlessly that it had been my undoing. The last couple of weeks of silence had been noticeable but easy. As if he had always been meant to be there. The conversations we’d had since we started talking again were like Paris all over again.
Now, we were huddled together in the back of a cab without a word to say to the other. And dozens trapped just under the surface. Pride and years of pent-up anger holding them in place.
I tried to ignore whatever was coursing between us as I slid out of the cab and took the elevator up to the top floor of his building. The elevator ride was a silent battle of wills to see who would crack first.
What I’d heard tonight from Camden and Addie warred with what Penn had said at the end of the night. Perhaps I was overreacting about it all, but mostly, I was confused. I didn’t know what was true or if I should even care. Let alone what I felt for Penn. The person he had been versus the person he was now versus the picture others had painted. Somewhere in it all was the truth.
“Are you going to tell me why you’re so upset?” Penn asked once the elevator closed behind us and he’d gotten Totle from the bedroom.
“I’m not upset.” Totle ran around my feet, and I hoisted him into my arms until he calmed down.
Penn just raised an eyebrow.
“I’m confused. I don’t know…who you are. I don’t know who any of you are or what you want with me.”
“What we want with you? Why would we want something from you?”
I shook my head and turned away. “I’m either a charity case or project or something. Either way, I just want to know where I stand. I don’t want to be forced into another situation where you guys have to lie about who I am or what I do.” I whipped back around. “I’m not ashamed about what I do for a living.”
“You shouldn’t be ashamed.”
“Then why lie?”
“It had nothing to do with your job and everything to do with Thomas and Camden. We hate Camden, and Lewis and I aren’t particularly fond of Thomas. They both look down on everyone they consider beneath them.”
“So, I’m beneath them?” I set Totle on the floor and strode away from Penn. His apartment was incredible, but I could hardly enjoy it as my anger intensified.
“I didn’t say I thought so,” he said carefully, following me.
“Well, what is it then? Am I a charity case? Katherine’s project? Where do we stand?”
Penn slid his hands into his pockets and observed me evenly. “You are none of those things to me. I enjoy your company. I would like to continue to enjoy it.”
“Who is Katherine’s father?”
Penn’s eyes widened and then quickly recovered. “Why?”
“I want to know.”
“That’s a very specific question. Why do you ask?”
I didn’t know. I hadn’t planned to ask. I didn’t know if Addie had been manipulating me as much as she claimed everyone else was. But I couldn’t stop wondering.
“Just tell me, Penn.”
“Fine. Katherine’s father is in jail. His name is Broderick Van Pelt.”
“Wait…what?”
“He’s in jail for fraud. They lost everything when he went under. The only thing the government couldn’t touch was her trust fund and her apartment.”
“Wow.”
“And that’s why she’s with Camden. None of us really like him, but he has the money, and she has her name. Together, they look good on paper. But he’s horrible.”
“Jesus. I couldn’t imagine marrying someone I didn’t love. Being forced into something for a name or money. It seems archaic.”
“It is,” he confirmed. “Now…who told you about Katherine?”
“I met this woman in the restroom. Addie.”
“Oh god,” Penn groaned. “Addie was there?”
“Yeah. She said that you all were using and manipulating me.”
Penn sighed heavily. “That sounds like Addie.”
“Why?”
“We had a falling-out during high school. She was one of us, and then we had a friend leave school. She blamed us and left our group. We’ve been cordial, but she still blames us.”
“Is it warranted?”
Penn shrugged. “She thought it was. But strangely, it coincided with Addie and Lewis’s enormous breakup after dating on and off their entire life.”
“Oh,” I whispered.
“You think so little of us, so easily.”
“Past experience tends to blend with the present. And anyway, what was that shit about you and Katherine?”
“Why?” he asked, taking a step closer. He was standing so near that our breaths mingled in the space between us. “Are you jealous?”
“No,” I growled.
Yes. Definitely.
“Would it make you feel better if I said that there is nothing between me and Katherine?”
“I don’t feel anything,” I lied.
His hand slid up my arm to my shoulder and then into the perfect supermodel hair. “Liar.”
“You don’t know anything about me, Penn Kensington.”
“I know that, right now, you want me to kiss you.”
“And what would Katherine think?”
“I don’t care. I feel nothing for Katherine. Nothing.” His blue gaze held mine firm. “I’ve known her my entire life. If I had wanted to be with her before now, I could have been. But I don’t want her. I want you.”
“You do?”
He nodded.
His thumb trailed across my bottom lip, evaporating all the objections I’d had. My eyes closed, and my breathing hitched. Warmth spread through my lower half. I wanted him, too. Fuck, that was so much easier to admit than I’d thought it would be. The last three weeks had been some kind of slow torture of wanting him so desperately and knowing I shouldn’t.
“Penn…”
“Natalie…”
“We shouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“It’s…a bad idea,” I whispered.
“It’s not.”
“We end in flame.”
“Burn with me.”
I groaned at the words and then did what I never thought I would do again—I kissed him.
And it was everything. His lips were even better than I’d remembered. His hands were in my hair. I grabbed his tux. Our lips melded together in a frenzy that spoke of endless passion.
I couldn’t get enough. There would never be enough. It was like falling, falling, falling with no end in sight. Just spiraling through this abyss and never coming up for air. No hope of landing. At least, not successfully. Because it wasn’t really a landing if all you did was crash and burn.
“Penn,” I pleaded against his lips.
“Don’t.”
And then he was kissing me again. Making me forget all about how unlikely we were to come out of this unscathed. Instead, there was just the way his lips moved, the swirl of his tongue against my own, the need to touch him everywhere. Up his chest, over his shoulders, his hair, his cheeks, that jaw. Dear god, this man!
I couldn’t deny how good he felt. How my brain, my overactive writer’s brain, screeched to a halt under his careful ministrations. The way he coaxed life out of me and made me feel as if I was finally living again. Forget my recent dry spell, everything felt dull and gray next to his vibrant Technicolor.
“My room,” he suggested, walking us a step backward.
I opened my eyes and met his blue with my own. Saw the desire laced in his expression. The need to have me again. Claim me as he once had.
It was powerful. Heady. Potent.
And a reminder of what had happened last time.
The girl I’d been.
The girl he’d ruined.
I jerked backward. My hand flew to my mouth. Those traitorous lips.
He saw it. He knew what it meant. “Natalie, please.”
“I…I can’t,” I gasped. “I don’t want this. I don’t want you.”
He reached out as if he could change my mind. And I was sure those hands could. I knew the power they held and the things they could do to my body.
But I didn’t have any other words for him. I couldn’t be that person again.
Penn
16
What the fuck had just happened?
Natalie had just fled.
This had never happened to me before. Not that every girl wanted to fuck me, but the ones who came back to my apartment and made out with me did. And here Natalie was, in my apartment, in that incredible fucking dress with bedroom eyes…and she’d claimed she didn’t want me.
It was a bald-faced lie. And yet she’d looked terrified when she uttered it.
Terrified. Like I would hurt her again. Like I had the last time. Here it was. The moment of truth. My past coming back to bite me in the ass. Again. Just like it always did. No matter what I did to come out on the other side, it was always there, taunting me. And I saw it there on her face as clear as day. But I didn’t want it there. I wanted to make it right.
I raced after her and got there in time to see her slam the bedroom door.
To my bedroom.
I sighed. Well, this was going to be…great. I knew she wasn’t going to like that. Not after her latest moment of fleeing from my presence.
“Natalie…”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Trust me, I’m well aware. But that’s my bedroom.”
She was silent on the other side of the door for long enough that I wasn’t sure if she’d heard me. She had clearly just gone into the first room that she found. And I didn’t care if she wanted to stay in there. But I’d figured she’d want to know at least.
The door finally cracked open. She had her arms crossed over her chest. “Where should I sleep?”
“The guest room down the hall, second door on the right. I put your things in there this afternoon.”
“Fine.” She shouldered past me and went down the hallway.
I couldn’t just let it lie. “I think we should talk,” I said as I trailed her.
“No,” she said flatly. “I said what I had to say.”
“Your lips said something entirely different.”
She wrenched open the guest bedroom door. “Just forget it ever happened.”
I grabbed the door before she could slam it in my face. Our eyes met. Fury meeting desire. And then she softened for just a second, and she was back.
“And what if I can’t do that?” I asked.
She dropped her gaze and sighed. “That’s your problem. Not mine.”
She tugged on the door, and I let it go, watching as it closed behind her.
Fuck.
For
get that kiss?
That kiss? Was she out of her mind?
No one was going to forget what had just happened. This wasn’t how I’d thought this night would end up. Not even fucking close.
We’d spent the last three weeks together, alone at the beach house. Bet or no bet, I wanted Natalie. I’d wanted her the first time I saw her in Paris. I’d wanted her that first night in the Hamptons. And every moment I spent with her intrigued me more and more. Her passion for writing, the hours she spent focused on her work, the way she read into my own passion with interest, and not to mention, her love for my ridiculous dog.
I knew that she had hated me after Paris, but I’d thought that we’d gotten past that. It appeared I was wrong. Really fucking wrong.
I couldn’t put my past behind me. Why did I expect her to do the same? No, I needed to face it, it was always going to haunt me. The beast within clawing at my skin to get out and unleash once more. To break free from the cage I’d locked him in so long ago.
I wanted Natalie.
The beast didn’t care how I got her. I did.
One step forward and two giant steps back. Natalie so close and yet so far.
I quieted the part of me that would lie, scheme, and manipulate to get to her. I didn’t have to be that person. I could win her another way.
So, I retreated to the kitchen and poured myself a rather large glass of scotch. I plopped down on the couch and took a good, long sip. Maybe booze would help.
I’d spent the last six years of my life trying to find balance, to attain the good life. The one I’d read about from the greats. The one that I’d studied methodically. I’d fought my own nature and distanced myself from my past life. I’d been on the right path. Then one look at her, one touch from her, and I was throwing it all out the window.
What were ethics and happiness and attaining the highest level of philosophical reasoning when Natalie stood before me, a larger puzzle than them all?
* * *
The drive back to the Hamptons had none of the ease or comfort of our drive into the city. Natalie stared down at her phone the entire way, texting away. Totle was passed out in her lap. I tried to carry on a conversation once or twice, but I got sick of one-syllable answers real quick.