“Me too,” I said, and in that moment I realized something. Cam was miles ahead of me when it came to dealing with the loss of the woman he loved. He might look like a mess on the outside, and everyone around him might be aware of his pain, his struggle. But that was because he was doing the work. He was dealing with the loss, finding his way through it. I chose a different path. I pretended none of it had ever happened, and tried to go on being the man I thought I was before—or at least acting like the man everyone else always believed I was. But I hadn’t truly dealt with any of it, not really. And now that void inside me was glowing like a gaudy shrine in my soul, a desperately constructed symbol of a man who can’t say goodbye, who can’t let go.
We didn’t speak again, but wandered slowly side by side back to Mrs. Teague’s. Finally Cam turned to me and said, “You gotta let her go, Chance.” And then he turned and rejoined his crew.
He was right. I just didn’t know if I could do it.
I went to the diner after I’d talked to Cam, needing to get to the office, but also wanting to let Miranda and Sam finish up whatever they were doing.
As I hunched over my burger and stared into the sad linoleum of the tabletop, I thought about my little brother, and not for the first time—I envied him. He never understood who he really was—even though I might’ve gotten a lot of the glory growing up—he was the Palmer brother everyone liked. He was easy to talk to, self-deprecating and funny. He was kind and quick with a joke, and without knowing it at all, he’d been the thing that held me together right after Rebecca died. Just knowing he was here, even when I was still falling apart, had given me a kind of anchor. Dad held me together too, but he passed soon after Rebecca, and then it was just Sam. Steady and loyal.
My place was always more defined, but with a lot less room for failure. I had to shine, be the golden boy, the oldest son. I’d enjoyed the position for a long time—through most of high school. It wasn’t until I tried to take a step outside that image that I realized it was a cage. People in Kings Grove were good, on the whole. But it was a small town, and we all had roles to play. Adele and Frank were the diner people—she was grumpy and pretended to be mean, and Frank was the teddy bear. Craig Pritchard at the post office was the village busybody, in everyone’s business and none too nice about it. Miranda’s dad was the only member of the ranger staff who had actually been born and raised in Kings Grove, and he was practically our local sheriff—the guy who kept everyone informed when there was important stuff going on. Maddie and Connor…well, they were the only people I could think of who’d managed to break out of their assigned roles and become the people they wanted to be.
Maybe it was possible.
“Hey.” Maddie slid into the booth across from me.
“Princess,” Adele’s voice drifted over in warning.
Maddie rolled her eyes and turned around. “I’m off, Adele. It’s three o’clock.”
“Hmph.” Adele turned back to whatever she was working on where she sat at the counter.
“I’m the only thirty-five year old woman who gets treated like a teenager at work.” She pressed her lips into a solemn smile.
“I get the sense you don’t actually mind.”
“Adele’s a pussycat. And working here lets me stay social. If it were up to Connor, you’d never see either of us, and everyone would probably come up with more crazy stories about me being kept prisoner up there or something.”
I grinned, thinking about how Connor had defeated his village-assigned role, too. “You’re right.”
“You doing okay?” She tilted her head to one side and looked at me through thoughtful eyes, then snatched a fry from my plate and stuck it into her mouth.
I sighed. “I am. I mean, basically.”
“I’m not talking about your health,” she said. “I’m talking about up here.” She tapped her forehead. “You look worried.”
I shoved the plate away and leaned back in the booth. “Yeah. I’m worried.” I dropped her too-shrewd gaze and stared out the window for a long minute as she waited patiently for me to continue, eating my leftover fries while she waited. I took a steadying breath. “I’m trying to figure some things out, I guess. Things I should’ve dealt with a while ago.”
She shook her head lightly and the curls escaping her ponytail bounced around her face. “Gonna need more than that if this heart-to-heart thing is going to be successful.”
Yeah. Maybe it was a day for heart-to-hearts. I focused on her face, and told her. I told her about Rebecca—how we met, how I fell hard, how I’d thought that was it. I told her about the accident, about Rebecca’s dying words to me, my promise to her. Then I explained about Mike. And Finn. And Jeff and Mike’s jobs, and how I’d made things worse for her by staying over. And how my own heart felt like it was shredding suddenly.
“Finn reminds you of Rebecca,” Maddie said, half asking, half telling me. “Because of the sign language.”
“I guess so,” I said. “I’ve managed not to think too much about her for a year, and suddenly she’s everywhere—every thought, every breath. I feel like I’m suffocating all over again.”
“Mike reminds you too, because you have feelings for her similar to those you had for Rebecca.”
I shrugged miserably.
“And you feel…guilty? Like you’re betraying Rebecca?”
“Maybe.”
“Or maybe a little bit afraid because your heart was broken before.”
Sounded right.
“There’s not a lot you can do about any of that,” Maddie said.
I glared at her. “Thanks, that’s helpful.”
Her smile was sad, and I felt her pity, which made shame climb my neck, hot and prickly. What was wrong with me? I was falling apart in a diner. “Chance, I’m not an expert, but I’ve had my heart broken before. Not in the same way as you…but it did hurt. And I did think parts of my life were probably over. And it got better.”
“How?”
The curls bounced again. “I’m not sure. But I do think talking about it helps.”
“This doesn’t feel helpful.” I was beginning to sound like a pouting teenager, and the shame at being so helpless and vulnerable grew deeper. “It feels like shit.”
“And then it gets better,” she said. “I promise.”
“And until then…”
“Until then you keep doing what you’re doing. And let Mike make the choices about whether you fit in her life—don’t remove yourself from the running because you’re scared.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes, all the words said and all the French fries gone. Finally, I took a deep breath and said, “Thanks, Maddie.” And then I stood and pulled back on the comfortable skin of Chance Palmer, village golden boy.
Chapter 12
Michaela
To his credit, Harvey didn’t ball me out over the phone. He invited me to drive up to the San Jose office the following day instead, so he could air his concerns in person.
I arranged for Finn to stay with Mom again, since I had no other options.
“But honey,” she asked on the phone, sounding stressed out. “What’s going on?” Mom was not the kind of person who handled bad news well, and stress was her enemy. She tended to overlook negatives in her own life rather than deal with them, which was how she’d lost the house after Dad died and why I’d moved her into an apartment when she refused to live with me. I didn’t really blame her—Dad had taken care of her, had taken care of everything. She was content to manage the house, raise me and not get too involved in the inner workings of her own life. Which left her with a lot to learn once she was on her own.
“Don’t worry, we’ll be fine!” She smiled happily when she arrived to assume her duties. “We’ll just pick you up at school when you’re all done and make a day of it,” she promised, looking at Finn. “Finn will have lots of fun. We’ll do some baking, we’ll have dinner, we’ll take care of homework. We’ll do all the things, won’t we Finn?” Finn shrugged a
nd gave me a doleful look, but I’d already explained there was no other option and I had to go. The last thing I wanted was to take Finn with me and endure a run-in with Jeff.
I wasn’t completely opposed to Jeff being in Finn’s life. In the long run, I believed his father should be part of his life. But Finn’s exposure to Jeff had occurred at a time when Jeff had not been his best self. And he’d put Finn and I both through some long and difficult times that had a lasting impact on a then-toddler Finn.
The resulting years of therapy for us both had bred in me a desire for two things: control and stability. And Jeff’s threat of custody—and my lawyer’s evident belief that he might get it—was the opposite of both those things.
I thanked my mom, dropped Finn at school and headed north to San Jose.
“Thanks for coming up, Michaela,” my ex-father in law greeted me warmly, which made me immediately suspicious. Jeff was nowhere to be seen, and for that I was thankful. Still, as I settled into the dark leather chair across from the wall of windows in Harvey’s office at McLaren, my stomach tightened and my hands played with the hem of my jacket. “I know it’s a haul for you.” He settled his sizable form across from me and paused, giving me what I imagined he thought was a fatherly smile.
I wasn’t in the mood for fatherly counsel, and Harvey had proven himself a fickle father-in-law at the best of times. “Harvey, let’s just cut to the chase.” I took a breath, emboldened by the words I’d practiced during the long drive. “My job is at stake, and I intend to fight for it. I know Jeff’s proposal looks impressive, and I would like to know what criteria you’re going to use for your selection. I can assure you that Kings Grove has some advantages when it comes to scale and risk.”
Harvey looked like he’d swallowed something unexpected, his mouth dropping slightly into an o as his eyebrows rose toward his hairline. “Straight to it then,” he said, recovering. “Well, you’re right, Michaela. And I’m not the deciding factor, in case you were worried this might be a biased decision.”
“Oh,” I said. “Well, that’s good.”
“Yes, Peggy will also be evaluating the proposals.”
Peggy. Wonderful. Harvey’s widely acknowledged office affair. The one his wife overlooked because divorcing Harvey would mean giving up VIP privileges at McLaren resorts around the world—where she seemed to spend most of her time. Peggy was not exactly unbiased, though I honestly wasn’t sure where she stood on the Jeff question. He had embezzled from the company, after all. Then again, he was Harvey’s beloved only son.
“And the criteria?”
Harvey spent half an hour talking about risk and return on investment, community and environment. Pretty much what I could have guessed by reading McLaren’s mission statement on our website.
“Jeff’s proposal is impressive,” I said, testing a bit.
“It is,” he said.
“And the scope is aggressive.”
“True.”
“I have some doubts about his ability to pull it off.”
Harvey chuckled. “But if he manages it…” He smiled, beaming with fatherly pride. “It’ll be a huge coup for McLaren.” I swallowed down my desire to scream. “Tell me about this Kings Grove, Michaela. Tell me why McLaren needs this rustic winter sports facility. I know it’s a decent drive away, and since it’s in a National Park there are some issues we won’t be facing with Jeff’s property.”
I told him. I told Harvey how only the back half of the resort property was in the confines of the park, making the resort itself just as easy to build as Jeff’s monstrosity. I told him about the magic of the big trees that surrounded the property, the quaintness of the little town, the nearness and overwhelming magnificence of the forest. I explained to him the contractor who’d be managing locally had experience building in that exact environment, they know the locals, and could grease palms where needed to get things done. I laid out the plan in the stages Chance and I envisioned, and essentially gave Harvey a preview of my presentation.
“I want to be impressed, I really do.” Harvey didn’t look impressed. He managed to pay attention, but his expression never once gleamed with interest or leapt with excitement as I talked. A deep dread settled in my gut. “I’m just…I’m not wowed. And there’s the issue of the contractor.”
Jeff had done his dirty work after all. “Which is?” I sat up straighter, ready to defend myself.
“Jeff mentioned you might be a little partial to the guy, that’s all.”
“I doubt that’s quite what he said.” I controlled my voice, not allowing my anger to creep into it. “Chance has become enough of a friend that when he came down to do some work and when it got late, I offered him the guest room. That’s all.” Even saying Chance’s name in this tense environment gave me a little thrill of pleasure. I stuffed it down, hoping I pulled off the “friend” angle I was going for. My heart didn’t want Chance to be a friend—it wanted something completely different, something that really would have been a conflict of interest. And I’d have to deal with that soon.
“Look, bottom line, Michaela. You’re playing it safe, going low risk. And in the end, that may be what wins it. But if Jeff can pull this off, if we think it has a shot, the payoff might be worth the risk.”
And since Harvey owned McLaren, it was his call to make. Even if the call ended up being wrong.
“You think I should be looking somewhere else. Somewhere more commercial.”
“I know you need a win here, Mike.”
He was right, I did. But there was something about Kings Grove—I felt it, and I was pretty sure other people would feel it too. I just had make Harvey feel it. “I think you’ll love Kings Grove.”
He pressed his lips together in a thin line. “Just be as prepared as you can possibly be. We’re going to have tough questions for you both. The more details you’ve got lined up ahead of this meeting next week, the better your odds.”
“Got it.” I stood, a plan already forming in my mind. “I’m going to head back up there for a couple days then, meet with the subs and the designer, and hopefully have every last detail ready for you next week.”
“Do what you gotta do. Just submit your travel expenses when you get back.”
I left Harvey’s office and called my mom to let her know I was heading home. And then I called Chance Palmer.
The next day Finn and I were in the car, driving up the side of the mountain again, heading for Kings Grove. The more elevation we gained, the clearer the air became, and the more certain I felt. Fall was taking on a tinge of winter, something biting and chilly just behind the cool breeze that made me think of hot cider and wood fires, and it was the perfect time to really focus on this property. The chill had me thinking of snuggling in front of the fire and long nights beneath homemade quilts, too, but I shoved those particular thoughts down nice and tight into a box in my chest. It was full with thoughts about a certain contractor.
As the trees grew in girth on either side of the car and the traffic thinned toward the top of our drive, I found myself smiling as I drove. This was my third trip to this strange little place, and somehow it already felt like it had a home inside me. I didn’t know whether it was Chance, or Chance plus everything else. The warmth of the people, the charm of the little town, the magic of the environment… I couldn’t imagine a massive downhill ski resort shuttling people in via monorail could possibly have the same sweet appeal as Kings Grove. I just wasn’t sure how to make that come through in my presentation.
“Mom?” Finn hadn’t spoken much since I left him with my mother, and it was a relief to hear his voice from the backseat as we rounded the final bend.
“What’s up, buddy?”
“You still haven’t really told me. What really is custody?” My heart, lightened by the thought of spending a couple days in such a magical place, fell like a rock in my chest. Finn must have heard me on the phone with my lawyer the night before. My mind spun.
“Well, custody is like guardianship.�
�� Great, throw another four-syllable word at the kid, Mike. “Like the person who takes care of something or someone has ‘custody.’”
“So I had custody of Gerald?” Gerald, the ill-fated guinea pig who’d passed tragically when we’d both completely forgotten about him in the drama and turmoil of the month following Jeff’s arrest. I was surprised Finn even remembered him.
“Right. You were his custodian.” Wait, no. I didn’t want him to suffer the guilt of Gerald’s loss alone. “I mean, we both were, right? You were too little to really take care of him.”
“Poor Gerald.” Finn sounded sad, but I was happy to have Gerald as a distraction from the topic of custody and the conversation that might start. It was a conversation I knew I probably needed to have with him, I’d just been putting it off, partially out of sheer disbelief that Jeff could possibly have a viable claim. But my lawyer said it would all depend on the judge, and I needed to be prepared for any outcome. Another thing I’d been trying hard not to think too much about. My box of unthinkable things was getting quite full.
“He had a proper guinea pig funeral and has gone to a better place,” I assured him, remembering the little shoebox and the stuffed animals who’d formed a little circle around the hole I dug in the yard. In the long run, the hole had been left empty, but Finn didn’t know that. I was worried about scavenging animals digging through our yard, and the soil was so hard I couldn’t dig a deep enough hole to keep Gerald’s little tiny corpse safe from them.
“What about me?”
“What about you, buddy?” I smiled and guided the car into an empty spot in front of the existing Kings Grove Inn, where we’d be staying for three days.
“Are you going to give Dad custody of me?”
I turned off the engine and spun in my seat, my elbow resting on the armrest between the front and back seats. “We’ll talk more about this, I promise. But Finn, I want you to know that the grownups in your life—me, your dad, and some smart people whose job it is to decide this kind of stuff—will figure out what is best for you. Your dad wants to be part of your life, that’s all.”
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