“Someone is coming out of the building,” Charlene whispered. “A tall guy. Black hat.”
“Omigod it’s him!” I shrieked. I couldn’t believe it. I ran out of the cab and down the street. He moved really fast and I was out of breath by the time I caught up with him on the next block. I was yelling his name but he kept on walking.
“Sheldon, why are you running away from me?” I gasped.
“Rhoda, you’re blowing my cover,” he said turning around while he kept walking. I noticed he had a long beard. He must have let it grow back since the last time I saw him. “I’m a Hasid,” he growled. “I’m not supposed to be seen talking to a woman I’m not married to on the street.”
“Then get into the goddamned cab.” I growled back.
Charlene and Karen had told the cabbie to follow me. That was a smart move. I opened the passenger door for him and pushed him into the front seat. I got into the back with the girls and gave Khalid my address in Manhattan.
“Who is this pasty-faced weirdo?” Khalid turned around and asked me. “He doesn’t look like a Hasid to me. He looks like he’s got AIDS. I’m not gonna sit next to him. Maybe he’s catching.”
“Ok, stop the goddamned cab. Charlene, go sit in the front, Sheldon come back and sit next to me.”
“Can we please get out of Crown Heights first,” Sheldon begged. “I’m in enough trouble already.”
“If you get out of here quick you can have the tall girl with the curly hair in the front,” I told Khalid. “How’s that?”
“You’re gonna owe me for this,” Charlene whispered to me. “That cabbie creeps me out.”
“Name your price.”
“Permission to smoke in your apartment, in perpetuity.”
“Aaaargh. OK.” I would have promised anything. I’d take it back later.
Karen poked me and whispered, “Sheldon’s really cute. Pasty face and all. He looks just like Sasha Baron Cohen. Not as Borat--as himself. Sasha is to die for.”
“They say Sasha’s an Orthodox Jew like Sheldon,” I said, “though I find that really hard to believe. I can’t imagine Orthodox Jews would approve of sticking your face in a fat guy’s butt.”
“I didn’t see that movie,” Charlene said, “now I’m not going to.”
“I wonder if Sheldon would like it?” I mused aloud.
“I’ve seen it.” Sheldon turned around. “Disgusting!”
When we got to Bed Stuy Sheldon got into the back, grabbed me and kissed me. I kissed him back because I couldn’t help it but I wasn’t forgiving him that fast. “How did you find me? Did you hire a vampire detective or what?”
“Why didn’t you call? How could you cry on my shoulder and open your heart to me and then disappear? What kind of game were you playing?” I shot back at him. I had no intention of answering his questions until I was good and ready.
“I don’t play games, Rhoda. I was just protecting you. Wait until we get to your apartment—I’ll explain everything. I swear I’ll make it up to you.”
“You shouldn’t swear—I think it’s a Christian thing. But there’s something very important you need to do for me and you sure as hell are going to do it.”
“What is it?”
“I’ll tell you later. I want you to promise you’ll do whatever I ask no matter what it is.” I felt I had the upper hand at the moment but might not get it again.
“OK, as long as you tell me how you found me,” he said. “I have a feeling I may be sorry, but I promise.”
Chapter Nine
I was half-afraid Sheldon might fly away before he got back to my apartment, assuming he could fly, which I’d never seen him do.
“Sheldon, can you fly?” I asked him as we trudged upward. “If you can I wish you would fly me up these stairs. I’m exhausted.”
Charlene and Karen had discreetly disappeared into a neighborhood bar when we got out of the cab.
“If I could fly why would I have to take a cab to Manhattan from Brooklyn? Or worse, the subway, which is how I get to work every night.” Sheldon said.
“You take the subway?”
“Unfortunately yes, I have my limits transportation-wise. I’m not Superman, just a lowly Jewish vampire who works in the diamond district.”
I unlocked my door, and led him to the couch where we sat side by side. He took my hand, gazed into my eyes and smiled. “OK, that wasn’t what you wanted to ask me, was it?”
“No.” I felt very sullen. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of letting him know how much I cared.
“You don’t have to ask me. I know.” He looked into my eyes soulfully. “You’re my little knish.”
“Knish!! You’re calling me a knish.”
“If I could have anything in the human world I’d have a knish, so you’re it.” He gave me such a big boyish grin that I almost forgot what a faithless bloodsucker he really was.
“Answer the question. You know what the question is.” I put my legs up on my coffee table and pretended to relax. I didn’t want him to know how anxious I was about his answer.
“No, you were not just a two-night stand for me. But in all these hundred years I have never let myself fall in love with a human woman. I didn’t want to ruin your life. Seeing Fiddler reminded me of what it’s like to lose everything you love. I didn’t want to put you through that. You deserve to find a nice Jewish guy, settle down and have babies.”
“I’m too old for babies.” Actually my mom had me when she was forty so maybe late-life childbearing was in my genetic inheritance.
“Forty-one is not that old. If you can’t have one you could always adopt,” he said.
“We could adopt together.”
“I doubt there’s an agency that would approve a vampire.”
“C’mon, Sheldon, that’s not the real reason.”
“Rhoda, you deserve better than me. What kind of life would you have with me? I don’t have a life. No way you would move to Brooklyn, much less Crown Heights. I can’t see you in a wig pretending to be Orthodox. You’d hate going to synagogue, much less standing behind a mehitza. You like to dress in jeans not long skirts. I’m sure you wear a bathing suit and go swimming now and then. Well, not if you live with me—unless you just swim with women. And I haven’t even mentioned the hours I keep.”
I ignored that. “Why would I have to wear a wig? Why do I have to stand behind a mehitza or go to synagogue at all? How does anyone know those women are wearing wigs anyway? All I’d have to do is put on a dress with long sleeves and push a baby carriage.”
“And rent about ten kids,” he laughed.
“OK, you’ll have to leave Crown Heights. Why can’t you be a Manhattan metrosexual vampire?”
“I can’t leave Crown Heights. Can’t we just date for a while?”
“You’re the one who didn’t call.” I started sulking again, turning away from him. I hated myself when I did that. It was so unattractive.
“Rhoda, being a Hasid is my cover, it’s worked for a hundred years and I’m used to it. I’m set in my ways. I have responsibilities to be there for the vampire minyan who live in my building and to Goldie. There are folks out there who would like to kill me. Fundamentalist Christians for starters. And vampire hunters—you don’t even want to know about them.”
“I ran into a bunch of those Christians on the tour.”
“So that’s how you found me. That fershtunken tour. They’re always pointing out our building to scare the tourists. Those Lubuvitchers will do anything to seem cool and hip.”
“Our tour guide was a rapper.”
“He was a ghost?”
“Not a tapper, a rapper. You are really from another century. Rap is music. The kids love it.”
“I never listen to music. I prefer audio books, except when Goldie is reading to me.”
“That’s another thing, Goldie. Does she go wherever you go?”
“She has for a hundred years. Without me she’d disintegrate. I wouldn’t want to destr
oy Goldie. She’s been a faithful servant and a good friend. ”
“You are truly weird, and not just because you’re a vampire. Who has a golem? I thought they were mythical creatures?”
“And I’m not?”
“You’re not mythical to me.” I went over to give him a hug, but he moved to the window, pulled out a cigar and lit it.
“Put that goddamned thing out. I didn’t know vampires smoked.”
“What other pleasures have I got left? I can’t eat or drink. I don’t have sex—much. Although now that you’ve tracked me down I’m not responsible for what happens between us anymore—you are. I love smoking. I especially love cigars. Why shouldn’t I smoke? I can’t get cancer.”
“I can. Ever heard of the dangers of second-hand smoke?”
“OK, I’ll put it out.” He sighed and threw the cigar out the window. “Sheldon, you don’t throw lit cigars out the window. What if you hit someone?” I could imagine my neighbors being scandalized if any of them happened to be leaving or coming home at the moment.
“Rhoda, you seem to expect me to behave properly. I have no idea how humans are supposed to behave these days. I don’t hang out with humans. In my day people threw garbage out windows.”
Suddenly I realized I not only had a vampire on my hands but an unsocialized vampire. I was going to have to teach him how to act human. I supposed it was no worse than getting any guy to pick his clothes up off the floor but I had no idea what other bad habits I might have to deal with. Did he piss out the window too? Oh, he probably couldn’t piss.
“How do you know the expression ‘hang out’ if you’re from the eighteenth century?” I asked him.
“I watch TV, what do you think? And I know how to read. I’ve read all the vampire novels so I know how I’m supposed to act. They’re a little dumb, don’t you think? Do they write them for kids? Except for Anne Rice of course. I wish I could be like Lestat. He’s my hero—so courageous. Can you believe he became a rock star?”
“No, I can’t. That was fiction. In real life vampires don’t play the Palace. Or maybe they do. What do I know? What else do you do with your spare time?”
“I surf the Web. I davven, study Torah, kibbitz and play chess with the guys I live with.”
“Torah? Guys. What kind of guys?”
“Vampire guys. Jewish Hasidic vampire guys. Who do you think I live with?”
“Sheldon, I have no idea. I really know nothing about you. Or almost nothing.”
It immediately occurred to me how thrilled Charlene would be to find out there were other vampires, hopefully single ones. We could double date.
“Are they single vampires?”
“Why do you want to know?”
“You met Charlene in the cab. The tall brunette with the curly hair. She’s my best friend and she wants to date a vampire too.”
“The vampires I know are all Hasids. They’d never date a shiksa, human or vampire …well maybe Mendel would.”
“Who’s Mendel?
”My brother Herschel’s roommate. He’s sex-crazed. Herschel is engaged.”
“You have a brother?” That sure complicated things. Would Sheldon be willing to leave his brother in Crown Heights and move in with me?
“How did you wind up with a vampire brother?”
“I turned him into one. He was dying of consumption. He begged me, he didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to go through eternity without a family.”
I started sobbing. I didn’t plan to, it just happened.
Sheldon looked alarmed. “Rhoda, what did I do? Did I say something to upset you?”
“Just thinking about my mom. She’s been sick lately and I worry about losing her. She’s my only family.”
“Poor baby,” Sheldon said sweetly, hugging me.
“Maybe you can save her.”
“Me! I’m not a doctor. I thought about going to medical school but there’s too much blood, I might faint. Or kill my patients.”
I didn’t explain. I decided to wait awhile, until we’d spent some quality time together. I’d made the mistake of introducing my ex to my mom too fast—she really liked him and pressured me into marrying him. Charlene was always reminding me to take it slower with guys so I wouldn’t scare them away. Introducing a guy to Mom too fast was one thing, asking him to turn her into a vampire was quite another. Who knew how he’d react? I had to make sure he was really mine—that he was totally committed to me—before I brought it up.
Sheldon kept stroking my back. Then he sneakily moved from my back to the rest of my body. That boy sure knew how to change the subject. Mom ceased being a topic of conversation as we fell onto the floor and ripped each other’s clothes off. I wished I’d cleaned the floor. I felt dust balls on my tush. I didn’t think Sheldon would notice as he started moving inside me. At that point I forgot about everything except how wonderful he felt.
Chapter Ten
“I want to make it up to you,” Sheldon said after we made love. “I want you to forget that I made you suffer, that I didn’t call.”
“I’m still not totally buying your explanation about why you didn’t call.” Now that we had made love I felt bolder about confronting him.
“Rhoda, it was for your own good. Don’t you understand that?”
“No, I don’t. Disappearing with no explanation is never good for any woman.” I propped myself up on an elbow and stared at him, as if I could tell by looking at him whether or not he was telling the truth.
“Would you have accepted it if I told you I didn’t want to hurt you?”
“No, when guys say that it means they do want to hurt you, and they always do.”
“In my case it was the truth,” he looked back at me with such a sorrowful expression that I not only believed him, I felt bad for him. “I just couldn’t see any way I could make you happy. I’d have to leave you one way or another so you could lead a normal, human life.”
“Why didn’t you tell me what was going on. How could you just disappear with no explanation?”
“I may be a vampire but I’m no match for a determined Jewish woman. I knew you wouldn’t accept my explanation--you’d suck me back into your web,” he licked his lips and raised his eyebrows in a silly approximation of a lustful look. “And I was right, you have.”
“Are you sorry?”
“No. I can reassure myself that at least I tried to get away—now whatever happens I won’t blame myself. You went after me so I’m off the hook,” Sheldon gave a sigh, which sounded like a sigh of relief. “Does that make sense?”
“Not really, you should have called. But I can’t resist you so yes, you’re off the hook.”
We’d gotten off the floor finally and were sitting naked on the couch. I usually lunged for my bathrobe after lovemaking, but he reassured me constantly that he loved my body the way it was—poochy stomach, flabby thighs and all—because I had a natural advantage in this relationship—I was alive and he was dead. He would always love my body no matter how it looked because I had blood running through my veins and he didn’t. He would always want that blood although he could resist sucking it. That made me feel secure in a perverse kind of way. It was like being with a much older guy. Just being young was enough, it didn’t matter that my cups runneth over with cellulite.
“What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done, Rhoda?”
“My ex once took me to Nathan’s on Coney Island for a hot dog at midnight and then we made love under the boardwalk. I wound up scraping sand out of my private parts for days. How about you? How many women did you have—when you were human?”
“Let’s just make believe we are each other’s first love.” Sheldon leaned on his elbow and hovered over me. I would have felt his hot breath on my face if he’d had any hot breath, but breathing wasn’t one of his habits. “Let’s pretend tonight is the first time for both of us and we’re going to be together forever.”
“Forever is a hell of a long time for a vampire.”
“Never long enough to spend with you.”
If anyone but him had fed me that line I would have dismissed it as flattery--but Sheldon was obviously so sincere that I couldn’t conjure up even a hint of sarcastic comeback.
“Rhoda, why don’t we do something really romantic? Let’s go out on the town to celebrate our reunion.”
“Don’t you have to work tonight?”
“I can take off. But I don’t know what to do about clothes. I’m not dressed for going out. You wouldn’t want to be seen with me looking like I’m ready to davven rather than dance.”
“I’ll fix you up. Shave the beard, ditch the hat, and you’ll look almost normal. I’ll give you a snazzy tie. I bought it for my ex but he never wore it—he was a crappy dresser. The coat’s a little long but if you wear it open maybe you’ll look cool—like a refugee from a spaghetti western.”
“I’ll try.” He went into my bathroom and came out shaven and not pasty.
“How’d you get that color on your face?”
“Spray-on-tan. You had some in the bathroom. Doesn’t it look great?”
“Better on you than me. It makes me look orange.”
“What else do you have that I could put on?” Sheldon asked. He’d put on the clothes I’d given him and was staring at himself in the mirror. He looked almost normal.
“I didn’t realize you could see yourself in the mirror?”
“I can now that I’m tan. I can see my face with this stuff on it. I haven’t seen my face in a hundred years. I’m a handsome Jewish boy, aren’t I?” He winked at himself.
“You look just like Jeff Goldblum.”
“Karen said I looked like Sasha Baron Cohen. Isn’t he better looking? And younger?”
Interview With a Jewish Vampire Page 7