It was hard for me to leave Mom and go back to New York, even though she repeatedly reassured me that she’d be fine. When she woke up at sundown I took her hand, sat on her bed and stroked her face, which felt smooth and not soft anymore the way it used to. It wasn’t hard exactly, but more like plasticine, the clay they give kids to play with. I was used to the feel of that skin on Sheldon’s face, but it felt very strange on mom, who used to have the soft, wrinkled skin of the very old.
“Mom, how can I leave you alone and go back to New York? How do I know you’ll be OK?” I was nervous about what might happen to her without me around to monitor her behavior. How did I know Tess and the other Grandmas would look out for her the way I would?
“You don’t. So why don’t you stick around? I’ve always dreamed of you moving down here. I’ll get you and Sheldon a nice condo in Century and we can all be together.”
“Sheldon hates Florida, mom. He can’t tolerate the heat, plus his brother and his golem are in Crown Heights?”
“He has a golem? What kind of mishegas is that. There’s no such thing as golems. They’re mythical creatures.”
“So are you mom.”
“I give up,” she threw her hands up, her lips curling in a smile. “It’s a whole new world. I guess I’ll have to get used to it.”
“Me too, this is all very strange. Will you really be OK?”
“Rhoda, I’ve managed on my own since your father died. What’s so different now? I just have to change my diet, that’s all. I’ve been on Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, the grapefruit diet, the Atkins diet, the Zone diet, the South Beach diet and a juice fast. So now I’ll be on the blood diet. It’s not so different really.”
I guess I wanted to believe her so I did.
By the time Sheldon and I boarded a 10 p.m. Delta flight to La Guardia my anxiety level had dropped from a nine (need Ativan NOW) to my usual five (worried about everything but managing to cope). Mom was settled with a feeding schedule at the ranch with Tess providing transportation, and had agreed to go to regular B.A. meetings. It wasn’t difficult to get her to agree once we had settled the God issue. She loved the social aspect and actually didn’t seem to mind the stale blood that came out of the coffee carafe. After the meetings she invited the group back to her condo and they schmoozed all night.
As soon as we got into our seats I dropped off to sleep. I hadn’t realized how exhausted I was. Sheldon, of course, was wide-awake since it was nighttime. When I woke up three hours later we were taxiing into the airport.
“Sheldon, maybe you can discreetly carry me. I am incredibly exhausted.”
“No problem, Honey. Just lean back and l’ll give you a little ride.” He put his arm around my waist and zipped me out of the airplane, through the airport and down to baggage claim. After we got our bags we stood outside the terminal waiting for a cab. Sheldon turned to me looking somewhat abashed and said, “I have to go back to Crown Heights Rhoda, do you want to come with me?”
There were no cabs in sight so we didn’t have to make an instant decision. “But your coffin won’t be back yet, you don’t have a bed, where are we going to sleep? I’m ready to pass out.” Sleep was all I was concerned with at the moment. “Why don’t you come home with me?”
“You don’t have curtains either, I have a big closet I can sleep in. Actually it’s my hiding place just in case.”
“Just in case of what?”
“Vampire hunters, SS, I don’t know. All Jews should have a couple of hiding places and a valid passport.”
“I don’t have either,” I admitted. I kept meaning to get my passport renewed but never remembered.
“Why don’t we both go home to our own places?” Sheldon suggested. “I don’t want you to get upset, but I’m feeling the need for some space.”
The word “space” triggered panic. Every time a guy had told me he needed “space” it meant bye-bye Rhoda. I felt nervous because the last time he’d gone home he’d disappeared. But I didn’t want to seem too possessive. That was not an attractive quality in a woman, or man for that matter.
“OK, Shel. Just give me your phone number this time.” I grimaced, trying to be casual. “And don’t lose your phone.”
I brought out my cell phone and selected “new contact.” OK, what’s the number?
We traded cell numbers—Sheldon didn’t have mine either in his contact list. Actually he didn’t have a contact list, he remembered numbers by heart. A good memory is another vampire trait, one that I sure could use. I wonder if I’m getting premature senility because I’m so forgetful.
A cab pulled up. “Age before beauty,” I said to Sheldon, opening the door for him. “I’m going to visit you in Crown Heights tomorrow,” I told him, ignoring his request for “space.” I went on. “Give me your window dimensions and I’ll hang blackout curtains. And I’ll bring a blow-up bed for us.”
“Rhoda, I already have a Jewish mother. I get all the mothering I need from Goldie. She shops for me, remember?” He looked amused.
“Oh, I forgot. Well, I’ll take care of the bedroom stuff OK.”
“You get a good night’s sleep,” he said, avoiding the issue. He grabbed me and gave me a long wet kiss and squeezed my behind before he stepped into the cab. “I’ll call you. I do want you to meet my mishpuchah—Goldie, Herschel, and my minyan.”
That was reassuring. He did want me to meet his family so he couldn’t want that much space. Or maybe he was just conflicted. I felt a bit apprehensive about meeting so many Hasidic vampires and a golem, but if I was going to be with Sheldon I had to be part of his world as well as vice versa. I decided to dress very modestly and arrive on his stoop looking demure. I waved goodbye to him as his cab pulled out.
Chapter Twenty-Five
My apartment looked lonely and barren without Sheldon. I started missing him desperately and almost picked up the phone to call. Luckily the sun was coming up so I knew he wouldn’t answer. Then I realized how dependent I was on him, how attached, how hurt I was going to be if he left me. I thought about Bella in Eclipse, how she became suicidal when Edward left her. I loved that book. I cried all the way through it, related to every bit of angst that Bella felt. What was wrong with me? I was forty-one years old, why couldn’t I grow up already. I knew what was wrong with me. I’d been abandoned by my husband, Sheldon had already taken a powder on me once and now he wanted “space.” I was insecure about him for a reason. I didn’t know anything about him really, how he spent his time, whom he spent his time with, what was important to him. I’d just incorporated him into my life without really paying attention to his needs. What did I expect? I knew I’d gotten into trouble with guys before by trying to run their lives. Was I doing it again? Was I too needy, too desperate for love?
I decided to give him some space even though it rankled that he’d used that hated word. I’d read He’s Just Not Into You. I’d read The Rules. I knew what men wanted. But vampires? Were they different? Being a self-help and an Internet junkie I started surfing Amazon for a book that would help me. Amazingly I found one. So You Want to Marry a Vampire: The Rules for Capturing the Heart of a Creature of the Night. So I immediately downloaded it onto my Kindle and started reading.
Based on The Rules, it was absolutely fascinating. A lot of what was in the book wasn’t relevant to my situation—but the authors made it clear that vampires were men first and foremost and I’d have to do the hard-to-get number or I might lose Sheldon. I hated, hated, hated playing hard to get but after reading the first part of the book I realized it was crucial, and made a pledge to myself to try. I decided not to call him, but wait until he called me. Here’s as far as I got before I conked out:
SO YOU WANT TO MARRY A VAMPIRE
The Rules For Capturing The Heart Of A Creature Of The Night
A Rules Sampler:
•Don’t let him know how fascinated you are with vampires.
•Don’t let him taste even one drop of your blood
•Don’t
assume that it’s easy to keep him interested.
•Don’t let him turn you into a vampire too soon.
Sound familiar? You may have heard these rules in some of the vampire novels, movies and TV shows you’ve read and seen. We, your fellow female, though undead, advisors, understand what it is like to be totally besotted with a vampire. After all we were once human too. Unfortunately, now that we are one of the undead like them, they’re just not into us anymore. They much prefer human girls, who are still able to eat cheesecake. Why they would find eating attractive is beyond us since they can’t eat anything but you-know-what, but there must be something about watching a girl bite and swallow something besides human flesh that turns them on. They much prefer girls like you who are still vulnerable, trembling, juicy, brimming over with blood, rather than us--their bloodless female brethren—which is why we go for human guys, but that’s another book.
We have been where you are now and we know how to capture the heart of Mr. Hunky Vampire because we once did. Ultimately we succumbed to the lure of becoming a member of the undead fraternity, something you must do only after you have that ring on your finger if you want to keep him around. We all know men are attracted to mystery, to a woman who they desperately want but can’t have. Remember, The Rules are not about getting just any man to adore you and propose, they’re about marrying the vampire of your dreams. Marriage to a vampire is incredibly risky because changing into one is dangerous, and because timeless, undying love is extremely rare. We can’t imagine loving anyone for centuries—or even for one human lifetime. Neither can most vampires. You, of course, want to find a vampire who is capable of eternal love, such as a member of the Cullen family. We will show how to find and capture the heart of such a rare and precious creature of the night.
You may say this approach is frustrating. You lust after the vampire of your dreams and want him now—marriage be damned. Well, doing what you want to do is not always a good idea, especially when it comes to loving a vampire. It’s certainly not a picnic to have to murder your fellow humans for food for all eternity. After all, you were brought up with ethics and morals despite your sexual lust for a creature of the night. Killing people is simply not nice. We know, you’ve heard all those stories of “vegetarian” vampires a la Twilight. Balderdash (old vampire expression). Yes, we vampires can resist killing a particular human with whom we’re sexually and otherwise besotted (another old vampire expression) but we can’t resist killing humans in general. Trust me, when you fall asleep, and eventually you will fall asleep, your handsome, soulful vampire lover will be out draining the blood of some homeless drug addict whom no one will miss. If you marry him eventually you will be doing the same thing. No, the Japanese have not invented synthetic blood. That’s a vampire fantasy. How we wish they had. Marriage to a vampire is a commitment to a heinous lifestyle, one that you may regret. That is why you must be absolutely sure HE is the one before you commit.
Our best advice is forget marriage to a vampire, have a fling with your sexy forever-young Mr. Wrong and then marry boring Mr. Right, have kids, and check out before the world gets really sucky. Will you listen to us? Probably not, but we must make the effort.
Since you insist on ignoring our advice and marrying a vampire, we want you to be happy. This is why we have written our time-tested (centuries of time) rules to success.
Rule #1:
Be A “Creature Unlike Any Other”
Actually, your vampire is the creature, you’re the creature feature. To attract the vampire of your dreams you don’t have to be rich, beautiful or exceptionally smart, but you do have to….
•Change your body clock. Girls who can hang out all night and not fall asleep will be much more appealing to a creature of the night.
•Not wear perfume. Vampires hate perfume. They want to inhale the heady aroma of blood pulsing through your veins.
•Be aloof. It’s not that vampires aren’t attracted to girls who pursue them—it’s just that they are more likely to kill them than to fall in love with them. After all, if you’re an easy lay, you’re also easy prey.
•Radiate confidence. Remember, you are girl who can handle a supernatural being who could kill you at the drop of a drop of blood. Act as if you are a combination of Buffy and Bella—a woman who knows how to run really fast and wield a wooden stake—strong yet vulnerable.
•Get a life. Vampires are attracted to girls who do things and don’t just sit around reading the Vampire Diaries or Twilight for the tenth time. You have to get out of the house. You will meet a vampire when you least expect it—in a dark alley, in a biker bar, even on the subway at midnight. Put yourself in danger, who knows, he might rescue you. Worst-case scenario—you’re his dinner. It’s a thrilling way to go.
Rule #2
Don’t Talk to a Vampire First (And Never Pursue Him)
Vampires came of age in an era when women wore corsets, fanned themselves seductively and cast sidelong glances at attractive men. Therefore, you don’t want to throw yourself at a vampire. He will take it the wrong way and see you as dinner rather than relationship material.
Feel free to cast him a few come-hither glances, but no more than a few. Let him talk to you first. When he does, at all costs don’t be too witty—vampires do not like smart alecky girls. There is not a vampire alive, or undead, who would date Whoopi Goldberg. Barbara Walters yes, Whoopi no. Vampires do appreciate class and intelligence, not wisecracks.
Avoid these typical conversational gaffes:
“What century do you come from?”
“Do you sleep in a coffin?”
“What was it like to die and then come back to life?”
“What blood type do you prefer?”
“Know any cool graveyards to hang out in?”
“Do you have any superpowers?”
“Can you take me for a ride on your back?”
“Do you tan in the sun, or burst into flames?”
Do talk about current events, and politics. Vampires love to talk about politics. They have been around long enough to see kings, presidents, and evil regimes come and go and take the long view of history. Vampires are very impressed by girls who have actually heard of the Weimar Republic and who know there were two World Wars, not three. If you don’t know anything about history ask him a lot of questions and look fascinated by the answers. One yawn and you’re toast, or worse. A lot worse.
Don’t be afraid to be boring. Vampires go for boring. They need relief from the adrenaline rush of looking for victims and killing them.
When a vampire starts the conversation take your cues from him. If you hear growling, or see fangs descending, cross to the other side of the room quickly. Let him get his appetite under control before you allow him to approach you again.
Rule #3
Don’t Meet Him Halfway or go Dutch on a Date
There is no reason to ever meet a vampire at some bar in Manhattan if you live in New Jersey. You will have to take the bus and the subway while he can fly. Any vampire who is too lazy to fly to your place is not marriage material. He was made in the wrong century and he’s been spoiled by women’s libbers.
Never go Dutch. Most vampires have had a couple of hundred years to watch their investments increase in value and can afford to treat you.
When a vampire asks you out, let him suggest where to go. He will probably not ask you to dinner because he’ll be afraid of making you uncomfortable while he watches you eat. If he does ask you to dinner order rare meat. It will show you’re not squeamish about blood.
Be cool and don’t ask who Beethoven is when he asks you to a concert. Many vampires have cultural tastes that run to the old fashioned, such as classical music and ballet Certainly don’t protest that you hate that boring dreck and would much rather go to see Lady Gaga. Be aware that like most old people vampires hate rap music.
Rule #4
Don’t Call him And Rarely Return His Call
Sadly, times have changed and even vampi
res have cell phones these days. This is no excuse for calling, however. If you’re following the rules he should be calling you, or at least flying over and knocking on your window at midnight to ask for a date.
Don’t call him during the day when you know he’s sleeping. Yes, we know you think this is a clever way to evade the rules and leave a message that won’t count, but vampires are not stupid. They know you know they can’t answer the phone during the daytime so why would you call them? To make a fool of yourself, that’s why.
If he calls you, don’t make small talk. Vampires don’t do small talk, mostly because so much of it involves food, e.g. what did you have for lunch? You do not want to know what he had for lunch.
If he leaves a message for you feel free to call back—in a week. Vampires have a long view of time and a week for them is like a day for you. If you call back too soon you will seem overly desperate.
Don’t be upset if you don’t hear from him for weeks after a great first date. He is busy sucking the blood of other girls. He will get around to you eventually.
Do not leave a personal message on his Facebook or MySpace page. Vampires actually come from an era where people did not broadcast their intimate thoughts to everyone on the Internet. Be discreet.
Interview With a Jewish Vampire Page 18