“I would never kill a doggie, so no dog house please. I’ll take the pigpen. I know they’re not kosher but who cares, they are tasty.”
I walked into her bedroom and saw that she was sitting up looking very healthy. It occurred to me that she had fed recently—on human beings. I needed to get the details but I could wait.
“I see you haven’t lost your sense of humor anyway.”
“No, dear, although captivity was no fun.” She hadn’t looked all that upset when we found them, but I didn’t bring that up.
Tess walked into the bedroom with one wineglass full of red liquid for Mom and one for me.
“I’ll take the Merlot, give her the Type O.”
Tess laughed, “I’ll leave you two to catch up.”
After Mom drank her fill I suggested a walk on the beach, just the two of us. I felt she would be more open if it was just me. Tess could question Miriam. Sheldon was still sleeping. He was totally beat.
We walked across the sand almost to the water’s edge. There was still a tinge of orange sunset on the horizon, and a huge full moon in the night sky. The waves sparkled as they rolled into shore gently.
“I can see why someone wrote ‘Moon Over Miami,’” I said to Mom. “This is quite a beautiful sight.”
“I used to dance to the Ray Charles version with your dad. It was terribly romantic,” she sniffled. “I wish he was around. I wish we’d done this together, then I wouldn’t be so lonely.” Mom gazed far into the distance.
I wished he was around too, then I wouldn’t be so worried about her.
“I didn’t know you were lonely, Mom,” I murmured, trying to comfort her, putting my arm around her shoulder.” You never used to be. You’re always busy running around with the girls. Actually I thought I was the lonely one, at least until I met Sheldon.”
“Since I became a vampire I’ve been feeling lonely. It’s like my hormones are turned on, even though I know they’re not. I miss being loved. I miss sex.” She looked wistful.
“Too much information, at least the sex part. Is that why you went off with those boys, who were gay, by the way, in case you didn’t realize it.”
There were two couples tossing a volleyball in a big circle as we walked around them. The ball went wild traveling fast in our direction. Mom grabbed it right out of the air and tossed it back.
“You didn’t know I used to play girls beach volleyball, did you? I was pretty damned good. And now I’m good again.”
“I knew you were a tennis whiz, but I didn’t know about beach volleyball.”
“I looked good in a bathing suit too, but that’s over. I hate feeling young, being able to do what I used to do, but looking old. I want it all I guess.”
“So, were you hoping those boys would relieve your loneliness, Mom?”
“I knew they wouldn’t, not really. But it was so flattering being fussed over by them. I knew they were gay, but I’ve always liked the gays and they like me.”
“What happened? Tell me the entire story.”
“I’ll try. Some of it went by in a drugged haze. They gave us all kinds of stuff. We can’t drink alcohol but we can smoke just about anything.”
“Where did you meet them?”
“At that reggae club. Moses asked me to dance. I was flattered of course and we danced for hours.”
“Did he know you were a vampire?”
“He figured something was strange about me. He asked, ‘What’s a nice old lady like you doing in a place like this?’” She giggled. “I said, ‘I’m not so nice.” He asked what I meant and I told him. He got really curious and asked all kinds of questions about what I ate, where I got blood, whether I’d ever attacked a human and drank their blood--ghoulish questions. I was already high on something he gave me, pot or maybe even crack, I have no idea, so I answered them. I was flattered by the attention.”
“How did you wind up at The Morgue?”
“They both asked if we wanted to go there after the reggae club, and we said sure. They told us it was a Goth club. I’d never heard of Goth so they explained what it was, and said they’d love us over there. They were all kids pretending to be vampires and we were the real thing. That was how it started.”
“How what started?” Mom talked so softly I had to ask her to raise her voice so I could hear her.
“We starting meeting them at the Morgue a couple of nights a week, we got hooked on whatever they gave us to smoke, and to drink.”
“Drink?”
“This is the hard part. They were drug dealers. They had us killing rival drug dealers and drinking their blood. It was addictive. They used us to get into these dealers’ places and surprise them. Then we’d pin them down and drink their blood. It was easy, I hate to say. The blood, well, it was the most delicious stuff I’ve tasted in my life. I couldn’t stop.”
“So they just kept you around to be their hit girls?”
“No, that’s not all. They could have done their own killing, they wanted us to get hooked on the blood and turn them into vampires. That’s what they really wanted from us.”
“You didn’t do it, I assume?”
“We couldn’t. We really didn’t know how. I know Sheldon turned me and Tess helped, but I couldn’t have turned them. Too complicated. They’d need a coffin, a burial place and all the other mishegas. I didn’t know how much blood I was supposed to take from them, we were afraid that if we started sucking their blood we couldn’t stop. Then I had no idea how much of our blood to give them, or how to give it.”
“Thank goodness for that.”
“I guess.” Mom did not sound anywhere near as relieved as I felt.
“What do you mean, you guess?”
“It was exciting. I miss the killing, the blood drinking. I know I was supposed to feel guilty but they were drug dealers, I couldn’t work up too much sympathy for them. Good riddance to bad rubbish.”
I was too shocked to respond. Here was my sweet little mom talking about how much she liked killing and drinking blood.
“I’m going to take a swim, Mom. Join me if you want.”
Swimming was the only thing I could bear to do at the moment—it had always been my escape, my best anti-anxiety medication. I’d worn a bathing suit under my capris and t-shirt, just in case I needed a salt water fix. Tonight I hoped cutting through the surf would clear my head so I could think of what to do next. Unfortunately in New York there was nowhere I liked to swim, but here was a warm, inviting ocean. Plunging into it was irresistible. Maybe I could wash away my sins, and by extension, Mom’s.
She did not join me. She found a stray broken beach chair that someone had abandoned and sat down with her head in her hands while I swam furiously until I was exhausted.
By the time I got out I’d realized one thing for sure, I couldn’t deal with her alone.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Tess and Sheldon were ready for us when we came back. They handed us brochures from the After Dark Rehab Center in Miami, which they had had been discussing with Miriam, who didn’t look happy.
“Fanny, they say we have to go away to rehab, that we’re too far gone to just go home,” Miriam said glumly.
“What’s rehab?”
“You go to a center for twenty-eight days as an inpatient to regain your sobriety.”
“I’m sober,” Mom said. “I haven’t had a drink since I became a vampire.”
“Mom,” I said, stretching out the middle vowel, “sober, as in no human blood. You’ve had a lot of human blood lately, and you got it in the worst possible way.”
“You need to be detoxed, Fanny,” Sheldon chimed in. It won’t be terrible, much easier than for alcoholics or drug addicts. You just have to be weaned from human blood and get used to animal blood again. While you’re there you go to individual and group therapy to talk about your problems, whatever caused you to fall off the wagon in the first place.”
“Problems? I haven’t got any problems.” Mom protested.
�
��You were just telling me about how lonely you feel, how you want what you can’t have, Mom. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, but these are problems in your lifestyle.”
“Fanny, a lot of vampires go through extreme emotional as well as physical changes when they’re turned. You, being older, have even more to face.” Sheldon went over to her, took her hand, and looked sympathetically into her eyes. I noticed he diplomatically said “older” instead of old. Sheldon was such a sweetie.
“We can go together,” Miriam said. “It won’t be so bad.”
Miriam, who had always had a calming effect on Mom, took her usual role as the voice of reason.
“When you get back to Century, you’ll keep going to B.A. meetings,” Tess added. “And from now on we’re staying away from clubs and young men. We need to reduce temptation.”
“That sounds dreary.” Mom sounded disappointed. “I really loved going out dancing.”
“If you were an alcoholic you wouldn’t hang out in bars. This is the equivalent in B.A. terms, Fanny,” Tess said.
“Have you been to the rehab?” Mom asked Tess plaintively. “Is it a nice place?”
“It’s lovely, Fanny. Yes I’ve visited. I’m a B.A. counselor and have done some counseling there with vampires who have lost their abstinence. It’s a farm, like our farm, with lots of yummy live animals, individual cabins with private baths and views overlooking the ocean.”
“Can I go with her?” I was feeling anxious about sending Mom anywhere alone right now.
“No,” Tess said. “This is just for vampires. You could visit for a family session, though. They do counsel families who may be enabling.”
“Enabling? Am I enabling her?” I asked Tess.
“You worry too much about her. You feel responsible for her. You blame yourself if she gets in trouble. You’re too quick to come to her rescue.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“She has to be responsible for her own actions, and take the consequences without you constantly rescuing her.”
“If I hadn’t rescued her this time she would have killed half of Miami. Are you saying I shouldn’t have done what I did?”
“Really, Rhoda, don’t get insulted. I’m not saying anything. It would probably be helpful to you to attend Bal-Anon when you get back to New York. You’ll learn how to deal with having a vampire in the family. There are a lot of issues you need support with.
“What’s Bal-Anon?”
“Just like Al-Anon, Bal-Anon is a support group for humans who love vampires—you’re involved with two vampires. You’ll meet other humans who are in the same boat as you are, who are dealing with the same issues, such as should I or shouldn’t I?”
“You mean should I or shouldn’t I become one?”
“Yes. That’s a huge issue for humans in your position.”
She was right. It was a huge issue in my life, and I needed help from people in my boat—humans who loved vampires. Sheldon really couldn’t help since he had too much at stake; he couldn’t really understand.
“OK, I promise to go when I get back.”
“Good, now we have to get Mom and Miriam to After Dark. It’s not far from here. I’ll take them. It’s best if family doesn’t come along—too emotional. You and Sheldon need to get back to your own lives.”
“At least I’ll know you’re safe, Mom. That will be a huge relief.”
“Can I make phone calls?” Mom asked Tess. “I want to call Rhoda and tell her how I’m doing.”
“Sure, but not for a few days. They like the residents to settle in before they start calling out. Rhoda knows you’re in good hands, so she won’t worry. Am I right, Rhoda?”
She was right. “I feel so much better knowing that Mom’s going to be taken care of by someone besides me—people who know about bloodaholism,” I told her. “Mom, remember what you used to tell me when I was a teenager. ‘If you can’t be good be careful’? That goes double for you.”
I went over to Mom and gave her a huge hug goodbye. She hugged me back a little too hard—she still didn’t know her own strength.
Chapter Forty
Sheldon flew me back to Fort Lauderdale to Mom’s condo that night to get some rest before going back to New York. It was the first night we’d had alone in what seemed like weeks. I was giddy with relief that the ordeal was over. This time I lay on his back and held onto his neck while flying, a somewhat more precarious position, but relaxing once I got the hang of it. Being caressed by balmy Florida breezes was a whole lot more fun than freezing in the sky over New York in winter. Sheldon carried me lazily over the ocean, where we were unlikely to be seen by passersby. The moon was still full; it seemed to hang on the horizon, reflecting a huge globe of light onto the waves. What a magical view. I didn’t think I’d ever get over the thrill of being flown by Sheldon.
“How long can you do this, Shel? Could you fly us back to New York?”
“I’m only going about fifty miles an hour, Rhoda,” he shouted up at me. “I doubt you’d want to go over a thousand miles at that speed. It’s fine for a short trip—in nice weather—but what if it rains? Let’s take Delta instead.”
By the time we got back to Mom’s condo I was ready to stand on solid ground. Flying was nice, but hanging on was strenuous. I kept being afraid I’d fall off. We fell into each other’s arms before we even got inside—I was hungry for a meal, but even more ravenous for him. We hadn’t made love in weeks, or it seemed like weeks. He was incredibly loving this time, caressing me, murmuring I love yous, going slow and easy. I felt like I was entering another dimension of pleasure. When we finally pulled apart after what felt like hours, I realized I had carpet burn on my tush. We’d never made it to the bed.
We were suspended between our two lives. Mom was in rehab, Goldie and Hershel were in Brooklyn, my assignments were on hold. It was just me and Sheldon. But I still couldn’t stop worrying about our future.
“Shel, what are you going to do about your mishpucha issues when we get back?”
“I wish I could forget about them,” he said, with a wistful look. “I’m so tired of being responsible, of being a rabbi. I’ve had more fun down here than I’ve had in a hundred years of my boring undeath.”
“Fun? You think rescuing Mom from drug dealers was fun?” I was horrified.
“It was exciting. I met Hedwig and the tranny police. I danced at a nightclub. I glamoured a bad guy and got away with it. I helped execute a daring rescue. I almost got my head shot off by an assault rifle. That’s my idea of fun.”
He was still a guy, I supposed, despite being a vampire sans testosterone. “Maybe you could work for the V.B.I. when we get back.”
“Now that would be fun. Great idea! But that doesn’t solve our relationship problems. What do we do about Goldie, and my minyan?”
“The only solution—if it is a solution—is a relationship counselor,” I suggested. “But who would counsel us. Human or vampire? Jewish or goyish?”
“Reb Shmuley would counsel us,” Sheldon said. “He’s the Hasid who’s on TV all the time giving relationship advice. He’s a buddy of Michael Jackson, who looks more like a vampire than I do. They call him Dr. Ruth with a yarmulke. It would be a challenge for him.”
“And he could even put us in his next book, or talk about us on his radio program or The Today Show,” I added, thinking that he was the perfect choice. “I bet Shmuley would kill to be the first vampire-human relationship counselor.”
“He’s got an office in Crown Heights. I’ll make an appointment for us,” Sheldon said.
Chapter Forty-One
Reb Shmuley might have had an office in Crown Heights but he saw only film crews there—his wall of books looked very erudite in photos. Couples in need of advice met him for lunch at the Basil Pizza and Wine Bar, a trendy Crown Heights kosher restaurant that specialized in gourmet pizza made in a wood burning oven, arugula salads and avocado ice cream. It was a duplicate of similarly pricey non-kosher Ma
nhattan eateries.
Everyone turned around when Shmuley walked in. He was a big, burly guy in a tailored black suit, with a patterned tie and neatly trimmed black beard, who looked very young despite his reputation as a tzaddik. The minute he opened his mouth, however, his booming voice, air of authority and undeniable charisma made it clear how he had become a TV star. We sat at a table in the corner that was somewhat private, but it seemed that every other patron knew Shmuley and greeted him loudly. Some came up to chat.
“Can we speak in confidence here?” Sheldon asked him nervously. “Won’t we be overheard?”
“What’s the big deal?” he replied. “Everyone knows everyone’s business in this neighborhood. You live here. Everyone knows you.”
“Shmuley,” Sheldon whispered. “I’m a vampire and Rhoda isn’t. That’s what we’re here to discuss. Everyone doesn’t know that.”
“You have your own building and your own minyan and everyone knows you’re kind of weird—that you only come out at night. So what! You haven’t eaten any Jews so you’re OK by us.”
“We only eat animals, just like you,” Sheldon said. “Maybe not kosher because we drink blood but Jewish law says it’s OK to eat non-kosher for survival.”
“By me you’re kosher.” Shmuley smiled, waving at a couple in the corner who were dressed in the Ultra-Orthodox manner, the man in a black hat and long side curls and his wife in a wig and clothes that covered every bit of skin. “An observant Jew is kosher, no matter what he has for dinner.”
“I helped those two,” he said. “Taught them to have kosher sex—now they pretend they’re a goy and a Jew having an adulterous affair. She may cover everything up on the outside, but under that long skirt, Victoria’s Secret.”
“TMI, Shmuley,” I said.
“OK, OK, I’ll shut up.” Of course he knew that TMI means too much information. Shmuley was up to date on all the latest lingo.
Interview With a Jewish Vampire Page 24