by Lisa Olsen
“Hey, what are you doing up here all alone?” I asked gently, stepping deeper into the attic space.
“I like it up here,” she said simply, continuing to stare out the window. So did Rob’s crazy sister, but I didn’t want to say that out loud. Did I have to worry she was going kazoo? Her cheeks were dry, eyes clear – there were no more tears for the moment. Considering that she’d cried a lake of them the night before, I wasn’t sure if this was a good thing, or a bad thing.
“How are you doing? I was afraid I’d wake up and you’d be gone.”
“I thought about it, but I didn’t have a way to leave unless I wanted to hoof it. I don’t have anything with me. No car, no purse, no phone, nothing but the clothes on my back and these shoes weren’t made for walking.” Her toes pointed at a pair of high heels kicked into the corner.
“I can get you anything you need. Clothes, a car… I can send someone for your purse if you tell me where to go. Is it, um, is it back at that house in Pacifica?”
“Can you get me a bucket of lye and some steel wool?” she asked with a dry laugh. “I feel like no amount of hot water is going to get me clean ever again.”
“Oh, Hanna…” My voice broke as I moved to give her a hug, but she flinched away. I stopped short of touching her, my hands clenching into fists. I didn’t know what to say, how to help her. “I promise you, you’re going to get through this. Lodinn is dead and he can never hurt you ever again. I know it can’t take away what he did…” Or the fact that he never would’ve come after her in the first place if not for my ties to Jakob.
Hanna ignored my attempt to comfort, her face twisting into a wry smile. “You want to know something fucked up?” There was an edge of hysteria to her voice that scared me, and I sat as close to her as I thought I could get without spooking her.
“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but I’m here to listen to anything you want to say.”
“Here’s the kicker, the nifty twist that makes it all so much more special.” She took a shaky breath, hands fluttering before she clasped them tightly together. “I know exactly what he did to me, I know why, and I know it has nothing to with me or my self worth or any of that stuff. I’m not fearful of walking down the street or being attacked again, and he never hurt me physically.”
“There are ways to hurt you that have nothing to do with physical abuse,” I started to say and she waved my point away.
“The thing is, I know all this stuff on an intellectual level, you know? I know the reasons behind what I’m feeling, but I can’t stop feeling them. The rage, the disgust, the shame – I can’t make them go away.”
“Hanna, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. Not a single thing.”
“Don’t I? The things he did to me…” She blanched, swallowing uncomfortably.
“Cripes, what did he do? Do you need to see a doctor?” My voice was barely above a whisper, imagining the worst. It hadn’t occurred to me that Lodinn might’ve done anything torturous, he’d seemed rather fond of her. Then again, he was a sicko – who knew what passed for fun time in his bed?
“No, it doesn’t even matter what they were. The point is he made me want those things. He didn’t just invade my life or my body, he took a piece of my soul and he corrupted it. And the thing that scares me the most is, I don’t know if I’ll ever get that part of me back.”
“He didn’t change you, Hanna. You’re still the same person.”
“Am I?” She blinked away tears, her gaze riveted to the window again.
“Yes, you are,” I answered with complete confidence. “He compelled you, and now that compulsion is broken and eventually all this hurt will fade. I know it sounds like a stupid platitude, but it’ll get better with time, I swear it will.”
“The worst thing about it is that I actually miss him. How sick is that? Yes, he compelled me and yes, it’s worn off, but some of it must’ve been real because part of me wishes… I can’t help feel like some of it was real.”
“Maybe some of it was,” I allowed. “I’m sure he wasn’t all bad, but please don’t romanticize any part of this, Hanna. What he did to you was wrong. Maybe he did care about you and maybe not all of your time with him was terrible, but it was wrong to take you in the first place and it was wrong for him to compel you into feeling anything for him to begin with.”
“I told you it was fucked up,” she said with a short bark of laughter that turned into a sob. This time when I reached for her she didn’t pull away and I held onto her while she cried, the way she’d comforted me when I was a little girl and had a nightmare about mud people. I didn’t try to say anything to make it better, I just held her, rocking her slowly from side to side until her sobs turned into snuffles and then faded away.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I reached for it to ignore the call, changing my mind when I saw Mason’s goofy mug on the display. “Hey, it’s Mason, do you want to talk to him?” I held out the phone and she recoiled like I’d offered her a plate of live snakes. Instead of taking the call I hit the red button, slipping it back into my pocket. “What’s the matter? I thought Lodinn’s compulsions had all faded. You don’t still hate Mason, do you?”
“God no, but… Anja, how can I talk to him? How can I even face him after how I treated him?” She shook her head. “I just can’t.”
“Oh Hanna, you saw him last night, he doesn’t care about any of that. He knows it wasn’t your fault.”
“You don’t know the kinds of things I said. I don’t see how he could forget them.”
“He still loves you, that’s how he can forget them. He’s never stopped loving you once, even if he did want to wring your neck a couple of times,” I smiled faintly at the memory of Mason’s frustration. “Hanna, nobody expects you to go back to the way things were lickety-split, but you still have feelings for him too, don’t you? Lodinn couldn’t have erased them completely.”
“I don’t know what I’m feeling. I only know I can’t face him, not yet, it’s all too much.”
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. This is officially a Hanna-tastic weekend, whatever you say goes. If you want ice cream for breakfast, you got it. You want to go around and tear all the tags off the mattresses? Knock yourself out. In fact, I’ll even let you borrow my Soft Kitty jammies if you want.” I tried to get her to laugh, but the best she managed was a faint smile.
“I don’t know, maybe I need to get away for a while.”
“Oh. Well, that’s okay too. Do you want some company? I seem to have lost my jet, but anything else, consider me your genie with unlimited wishes.”
“That’s really sweet, An, but I think I want to be alone for a while. It feels like ages since I was in my own apartment, alone with my own thoughts.”
“That works too. I can have one of the guys drive you back, or you can borrow one of the cars if you like.”
Hanna rose to her feet, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “I think I’ll take you up on borrowing a car if it’s not a big deal.”
“Of course, it’s totally fine. I can always send someone out to collect it later once you find your car, or you can keep it for as long as you need it.”
“Thank you, oh mighty Elder,” Hanna said, placing her palms together and giving me a deep bow. “Look at you, giving out cars like they’re candy.” She shook her head. “Daddy would blow a gasket if he heard you talk like that.”
“Dad’s already exploded where I’m concerned, I think an extra car or two at my disposal is small potatoes compared to his last visit. Is there anything else I can do for you before you go? A change of clothes, some money? Your dog, maybe?”
“Oh God, Mason’s still got Skittles, doesn’t he?”
“Yep, he’s been taking care of him like he was his own.” I could see it pained her to think about dealing with it and I hastened to set her mind at ease. “I can have someone bring your dog back when they pick up the car if you’re not ready to see him yet. But maybe hold off
for a day or two and see if that’s not a bad excuse to see him again.”
“Anja…”
My hands came up in a supplicating gesture. “Sorry, I’ll stop pushing. I just want you to be happy.”
“Are you happy?”
For the first time in a long while I didn’t have to stop and think about the answer. “At the risk of being a bad sister, yes.”
Her brow puckered in confusion as she reached the top of the attic stairs. “Why would that make you a bad sister?”
“Because it’s not fair, me getting to be with Rob now right in the middle of things falling apart for you.”
“Honey, I would never begrudge you that happiness. Speaking of, where is your muscled man?” Her voice sounded almost like the Hanna I knew, and as we stepped down into the second floor hallway, her eyes were clear and tear-free.
“He’s downstairs, still getting his beauty sleep.”
“Really? The sun went down over an hour ago. You must’ve completely worn him out last night.”
A telltale blush stole into my cheeks, and I ignored the tease, knowing we hadn’t been at all discreet the night before. “Yep, that’s what it’s like for most newbies. He’s early to bed and late to rise. It’ll get better with time. But I’m glad, because it gave us this time to talk.”
“Me too.” She smiled with more warmth. “It did help you know, those things you said. I might not be ready to hear them yet, but eventually they’ll sink in.”
“Call me if you need anything, no matter how small. I will totally blow off this Elder thing if you want to sit around and watch Steel Magnolias and ugly cry, just say the word.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. I love you, Anja. I’m glad everything worked out for you.”
“I love you too, Hanna,” I said, pulling her into another hug. It would have to be enough for now.
Chapter Five
Rob stumbled into the kitchen about a half hour after Hanna left, his face set into grim lines as he put the kettle on for tea. Offering little more than a grunt when I breezed in and kissed him on the cheek, he shuffled around, not quite awake and I perched on one of the stools at the breakfast bar to watch him.
“What?” he demanded when I smiled at him for the fourth time without saying a word.
“Nothing, just taking a break to be with my sweetie pie. Is there anything wrong with that?” No matter how grumpycakes he was he couldn’t ruin my mood.
“No, nothing wrong there,” he allowed, leaning in to kiss my neck on his way to the table with his cup. There was even a faint smile on his lips until he stubbed his foot on the table leg and let out a string of expletives so convoluted I couldn’t follow.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” he growled, sitting down heavily. “Was just hoping that’d be better by now. It’s almost two hours past sundown, I should’ve been up ages ago, not bodging my way through the kitchen, busting up the furniture.”
Was that all? “It hasn’t been all that long, Rob, it’s perfectly natural for you to sleep in so late. Give it some time.”
He ran his hands over his face, a tired sigh escaping as he tried to wake himself up, but there was no fighting his vampire metabolism. “Anyone could stroll through that door right now and I’d be no more use to you than a bloody human.”
“And they’d be immediately tackled by Lee or all the security we have outside the house,” I pointed out. “Security that is largely unnecessary with Lodinn gone, I might add.” In fact, maybe it was time to start rethinking my security needs altogether. With Gunnar coming home, Lee during the day and Rob by my side all the time, did I need so many people hanging around outside all day long?
“All the same, I don’t like thinking of you vulnerable during the day. I’ll put in a call to my sister to come out and re-consecrate the house.”
“That’s a great idea, I’d love to see Leila again!” I seized upon the idea with enthusiasm. “She left so quickly last time and we didn’t get to visit with her for very long at all in England.”
“Had other things on our minds at the time as I recall it,” he rumbled, his reflexes warming up enough to tumble me onto his lap before I realized what he was doing. Rob nuzzled close, his scruff tickling my neck.
Instinctively, I started to pull away before I remembered we didn’t have to hide and relaxed. Instead, I leaned close to his ear, my lips brushing against the outer whorl. “I can think of a few things to get your body up to full speed,” I whispered, enjoying the ripple that went through him at the touch. I could definitely get used to this!
“How’s about we go back downstairs and you show me what you have in mind?” he growled, his fangs scraping against my neck. It sent a thrill of anticipation through me until I remembered what it meant. Uncontrollable pop of fangs in a newbie usually equaled the need to feed.
“You need to eat.” I realized with a frown, pulling back to look at him.
“I’m hungry, right enough,” he grinned, shifting me in his lap so I could feel his hardness below.
“Me too, which is why we should probably go out hunting tonight. Last night kinda zapped my strength.”
His face instantly clouded, losing the sexy twist of his lips in favor of a self-recriminating scowl. “Did I take too much when we was…?”
“It’s fine, you know it was better than fine,” I assured him quickly. “I’d probably be okay sticking with bagged blood today, but I’m trying to find that balance between bagged and fresh blood, you know?” Too much of the bagged and it left me particularly susceptible to ACBT, too much hunting and… well, I couldn’t prove it, but I felt like the more I drank from a live human being, the more danger I was in of losing my humanity. “If we go back downstairs for a snack first, you’re liable to wear me out and I won’t feel like doing anything else.”
“You know I’m always up for a spot of hunting to get the blood pumping,” he agreed easily enough. “Right then, where shall we go? Lady’s choice.”
“How about we keep it simple? Let’s hit one of Jarrod and Leander’s bars and leave the docks for another night when I don’t have to get back and tackle a mountain of paperwork I’ve been putting off with all the Lodinn drama?”
“That’s easily done. How about Smoke and Mirrors? We can take advantage of the back rooms and be done in a wink.”
Of course it took longer to get us out the door than I’d hoped once the decision was made. Lee insisted on coming along, and Maggie decided to tag along as well. After she’d been so down in the dumps following Marcus’ death, I couldn’t say no when I saw the light of interest come into her eyes.
Smoke and Mirrors was one of the premiere vampire nightclubs in town – not that most residents in San Francisco had a clue. The requisite smoke and mirrors gave the place an otherworldly, futuristic feel, as though we’d stepped into an episode of Buck Rogers, but with better music.
I thought maybe Lee might feel uncomfortable in such a place with his cowboy boots and his Wrangler jeans. To my surprise, he chatted easily with vamps and humans alike, not a single raise of his bushy brows over the array of brightly colored, tattooed and pierced characters. Maggie was whisked off to the dance floor right after we claimed one of the tiny round tables in the corner of the room, her laughter cascading over the throb of music. Only Rob seemed less eager to party, his eyes scanning the room for unseen dangers.
“Hey, what’s the matter?” I asked, when he finished one scan and started back the other way again without looking once in my actual direction. “You’re not expecting trouble, are you?” Besides Lee and Rob with me at the table, we had two other guys in the room and one out by the car.
“Crowds make me nervous.”
“They never seemed to bother you before.” The last time we’d been there, just the two of us, he hadn’t been so intent on the threat of danger.
“Never had so much to lose before.”
I gave his hand a squeeze at that, and then pulled him close for a deep, longing kiss, staking
my claim on him for anyone who happened to notice. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you,” I smiled and his lips twisted into a wry grin.
“More likely you’ll distract me.”
“If I’m distracting you anyway, how about we dance?” I asked as a new song came on.
Rob fixed me with a pointed look. “We both know that’s not a good idea, leastwise not in public. But ask me again when we get home.”
“Where I’m from, a lady asks you to dance, you dance, son,” Lee drawled. “But seein’ as how we ain’t there…” He rose to his feet with agile grace despite his years. “How’s about a dance, little lady?”
“I’d love to,” I smiled, tossing Rob a silly smile as he led me to the dance floor. Rob watched in amusement as Lee squired me into a sort of Texas two-step unlike anything I’d danced to before. It wasn’t hard to follow his lead though, and soon he had us circling the dance floor. When we came upon Maggie dancing with Leander, Lee swung me out and we changed partners for a while, changing back as the song ended and a new one began.
I’d been laughing so hard and having such a good time, I hadn’t realized when Rob left the table, but he wasn’t there when I glanced over, ready to wave him over. Lee didn’t seem to notice, pulling me closer for a slow song, but after I couldn’t spot him, I asked, “Did you see where Rob went?”
“No, darlin’, can’t say as I did. Why, you getting tired of dancin’ with an old fogey like me?” He spun me out and back again, his smile lines deeply creasing.
“No, of course not! It just seems strange that he… Oh, there he is.” I spotted him at the end of the bar, chatting amiably with a guy in a red leather jacket straight out of Michael Jackson’s Beat It video. That guy had to be a vampire for sure, no one else in the club was so stuck in the eighties.
“Go on and be with yer man. I think I’m gonna grab somethin’ to wet my whistle.”
I flashed him a grateful smile as we approached the bar, him seeking the bartender and me listening to the end of a conversation about cars that went way over my head. Rob noticed me right away, wrapping an arm around my waist to draw me close, but didn’t stop chatting until the man moved off.