by Kevin Kwan
Michael sighed deeply. He got up off the floor and perched on one of the wooden chairs. “It’s just never worked, Astrid. Our marriage. It hasn’t worked from day one. We had a great time dating, but we should never have married. We were wrong for each other, but we both got so swept up in the moment—in, let’s face it, the sex—that before I realized what was happening, we were standing in front of your pastor. I thought, what the hell, this is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. I’ll never be this lucky again. But then reality hit … and things got to be too much. It just got worse, year after year, and I tried, I really tried, Astrid, but I can’t face it anymore. You don’t have a clue what it’s like being married to Astrid Leong. Not you, Astrid, but everyone’s idea of you. I could never live up to it.”
“What do you mean? You have lived up to it—” Astrid began.
“Everyone in Singapore thinks I married you for your money, Astrid.”
“You’re wrong, Michael!”
“No, you just don’t see it! But I can’t face another dinner at Nassim Road or Tyersall Park with some minister of finance, some genius artist I don’t get, or some tycoon who has a whole bloody museum named after him, feeling like I’m just a piece of meat. To them, I’m always ‘Astrid’s husband.’ And those people—your family, your friends—they stare at me with such judgment. They’re all thinking, ‘Aiyah, she could have married a prince, a president—why did she marry this Ah Beng* from Toa Payoh?’ ”
“You’re imagining things, Michael! Everyone in my family adores you!” Astrid protested.
“That’s bullshit and you know it! Your father treats his fucking golf caddie better than me! I know my parents don’t speak Queen’s English, I didn’t grow up in a big mansion in Bukit Timah, and I didn’t attend ACS—‘American Cock Suckers,’ as we used to call it—but I’m not some loser, Astrid.”
“Of course you’re not.”
“Do you know how it feels to be treated like I’m the bloody tech-support guy all the time? Do you know how it feels when I have to visit your relatives every Chinese New Year in their incredible houses, and then you have to come with me to my family’s tiny flats in Tampines or Yishun?”
“I’ve never minded, Michael. I like your family.”
“But your parents don’t. Think about it … in the five years we’ve been married, my mother and father haven’t once—not even once—been invited to dinner at your parents’ house!”
Astrid went pale. It was true. How could she not have realized it? How had her family been so thoughtless?
“Face it, Astrid, your parents will never respect my family the same way they respect your brothers’ wives’ families. We’re not mighty Tans or Kahs or Kees—we’re Teos. You can’t really blame your parents. They were born that way—it’s just not in their DNA to associate with anyone who isn’t from their class, anyone who isn’t born rich or royal.”
“But you’re on your way to doing just that, Michael. Look at how well your company is doing,” Astrid said encouragingly.
“My company—ha! You want to know something, Astrid? Last December, when the company finally broke even and we did our first profit sharing, I got a bonus check for two hundred and thirty-eight thousand. For one minute, one whole minute, I was so happy. It was the most money I had ever made. But then it hit me … I realized that no matter how long I work, no matter how hard I sweat my ass off all day long, I will never make as much money in my whole life as you make in one month alone.”
“That’s not true, Michael, that’s just not true!” Astrid cried.
“Don’t patronize me!” Michael shouted angrily. “I know what your income is. I know how much those Paris dresses cost you! Do you know how it feels to realize that my pathetic two-hundred-thousand-dollar bonus can’t even pay for one of your dresses? Or that I’ll never be able to give you the type of house you grew up in?”
“I’m happy where we live, Michael. Have I ever complained?”
“I know about all your properties, Astrid, all of them.”
“Who told you about them?” Astrid asked in shock.
“Your brothers did.”
“My brothers?”
“Yes, your dear brothers. I never told you what happened when we got engaged. Your brothers called me one day and invited me to lunch, and they all showed up. Henry, Alex, and even Peter came down from K.L. They invited me to the snotty club on Shenton Way that they all belong to, took me into one of the private dining rooms, and sat me down. Then they showed me one of your financial reports. Just one. They said, ‘We want you to have a glimpse of Astrid’s financial picture, so you have an idea of what she netted last year.’ And then Henry said to me—and I’ll never forget his words—‘Everything Astrid has is safeguarded by the best team of lawyers in the world. No one outside the Leong family will ever benefit from or come to control her money. Not if she divorces, not even if she dies. Just thought you should know, old chap.’ ”
Astrid was horrified. “I can’t believe it! Why didn’t you tell me?”
“What good would that do?” Michael said bitterly. “Don’t you see? From day one, your family didn’t trust me.”
“You don’t ever have to spend a single minute with my family again, I promise. I am going to talk to my brothers. I am going to give them hell. And no one will ever ask you to recover their hard drives or reprogram their wine fridges again, I promise. Just please, don’t leave me,” she pleaded, the tears flooding down her cheeks.
“Astrid, you are talking nonsense. I would never want to deprive you of your family—your whole life revolves around them. What would you do if you weren’t at Wednesday mah-jongg with your great-aunt Rosemary, Friday-night dinner at your Ah Ma’s, or Pulau Club movie night with your dad?”
“I can give it up. I can give all of that up!” Astrid cried, burying her head in his lap and clinging to him tightly.
“I wouldn’t want you to. You’ll be happier without me in the long run. I’m just holding you back.”
“But what about Cassian? How can you just abandon our son like this?”
“I’m not abandoning him. I will still spend as much time with him as you’ll let me. Don’t you see? If I was ever going to leave, this is the perfect time—before Cassian is old enough to be affected by it. I will never stop being a good father to him, but I can’t stay married to you. I just don’t want to live in your world anymore. There’s no way I can measure up to your family, and I don’t want to keep resenting you for who you are. I made a terrible mistake, Astrid. Please, please just let me go,” he said, his voice getting choked up.
Astrid looked up at Michael, realizing it was the first time she had ever seen him cry.
* * *
* Derogatory Hokkien term for a lower-class young man who lacks education or taste.
15
Villa d’Oro
SINGAPORE
Peik Lin knocked softly on the door. “Come in,” Rachel said.
Peik Lin entered the bedroom gingerly, holding a gold tray with a covered earthenware bowl. “Our cook made some pei daan zhook* for you.”
“Please thank her for me,” Rachel said disinterestedly.
“You can stay in here as long as you want, Rachel, but you need to eat,” Peik Lin said, staring at Rachel’s gaunt face and the dark circles under her eyes, puffy from all the crying.
“I know I look like hell, Peik Lin.”
“Nothing a good facial won’t fix. Why don’t you let me whisk you away to a spa? I know a great place in Sentosa that has—”
“Thank you, but I just don’t think I’m ready yet. Maybe tomorrow?”
“Okay, tomorrow,” Peik Lin chirped. Rachel had been saying the same thing all week, but she had not left the bedroom once.
When Peik Lin left the room, Rachel took the tray and placed it against the wall next to the door. She hadn’t had an appetite for days, not since the night she had fled from Cameron Highlands. After fainting in the drawing room in front of Nick’s mothe
r and grandmother, she had been quickly revived by the expert ministrations of Shang Su Yi’s Thai lady’s maids. As she regained consciousness, she found a cold towel being dabbed on her forehead by one maid, while the other was performing reflexology on her foot.
“No, no, please stop,” Rachel said, trying to get up.
“You mustn’t get up so quickly,” she heard Nick’s mother say.
“The girl has such a weak constitution,” she heard Nick’s grandmother mutter from across the room. Nick’s worried face appeared over her.
“Please Nick, get me out of here,” she pleaded weakly. She had never wanted to leave someplace more desperately in her life. Nick scooped her into his arms and carried her toward the door.
“You can’t leave now, Nicky! It’s too dark to drive down the mountain, lah!” Eleanor called after them.
“You should have thought of that before you decided to play God with Rachel’s life,” Nick said through clenched teeth.
As they drove down the winding road away from the lodge, Rachel said, “You don’t have to drive down the mountain tonight. Just drop me off at that town we passed through.”
“We can go anywhere you want to, Rachel. Why don’t we get off this mountain and spend the night in K.L.? We can get there by ten.”
“No, Nick. I don’t want to drive anymore. I need some time on my own. Just drop me off in town.”
Nick was silent for a moment, thinking carefully before he responded.
“What are you going to do?”
“I want to check into a motel and go to sleep, that’s all. I just want to be away from everyone.”
“I’m not sure you should be alone right now.”
“For God’s sake, Nick, I’m not some basket case, I’m not going to slit my wrists or take a million Seconals. I just need some time to think,” Rachel answered sharply.
“Let me be with you.”
“I really need to be alone, Nick.” Her eyes seemed glazed over.
Nick knew that she was in a deep state of shock—he was shocked himself, so he could scarcely imagine what she was going through. At the same time, he was racked with guilt, feeling responsible for the damage that had been done. It was his fault again. Intent on finding Rachel a tranquil haven, he had inadvertently led her right into a viper’s nest. He even pulled her hand in to be bitten. His fucking mother! Maybe one night alone would do her no harm. “There’s a little inn down in the lower valley called the Lakehouse. Why don’t I drive you there and check you into a room?”
“That’s fine,” she responded numbly.
They drove in silence for the next half hour, Nick never taking his eyes off the treacherous curves, while Rachel stared at the rush of blackness out her window. They pulled up to the Lakehouse shortly after eight. It was a charming, thatched-roof house that looked like it had been transported straight out of the Cotswolds, but Rachel was too numb to notice any of it.
After Nick had checked her into a plushly decorated bedroom, lit the logs in the stone fireplace, and kissed her goodbye, promising to return first thing in the morning, Rachel left the room and headed straight to the reception desk. “Can you please stop payment on that credit card?” she said to the night clerk. “I won’t be needing the room, but I will be needing a taxi.”
Three days after arriving at Peik Lin’s, Rachel crouched on the floor in the far corner of the bedroom and summoned the courage to call her mother in Cupertino.
“Aiyah, so many days I haven’t heard from you. You must be having such a good time!” Kerry Chu said cheerily.
“Like hell I am.”
“Why? What happened? Did you and Nick fight?” Kerry asked, worried by her daughter’s strange tone.
“I just need to know one thing, Mom: Is my father still alive?”
There was a fraction of a pause on the other end of the line. “What are you talking about, daughter? Your father died when you were a baby. You know that.”
Rachel dug her nails into the plush carpeting. “I’m going to ask you one more time: Is. My. Father. Alive?”
“I don’t understand. What have you heard?”
“Yes or no, Mom. Don’t waste my fucking time!” she spat out.
Kerry gasped at the force of Rachel’s anger. It sounded like she was in the next room. “Daughter, you need to calm down.”
“Who is Zhou Fang Min?” There. She had said it.
There was a long pause before her mother said nervously, “Daughter, you need to let me explain.”
She could feel her heart pounding in her temples. “So it’s true. He is alive.”
“Yes, but—”
“So everything you’ve told me my entire life has been a lie! A BIG FUCKING LIE!” Rachel held the phone away from her face and screamed into it, her hands shaking with rage.
“No, Rachel—”
“I’m going to hang up now, Mom.”
“No, no, don’t hang up!” Kerry pleaded.
“You’re a liar! A kidnapper! You’ve deprived me from knowing my father, my real family. How could you, Mom?”
“You don’t know what a hateful man he was. You don’t understand what I went through.”
“That’s not the point, Mom. You lied to me. About the most important thing in my life.” Rachel shuddered as she broke down in sobs.
“No, no! You don’t understand—”
“Maybe if you hadn’t kidnapped me, he wouldn’t have done all the horrible things he did. Maybe he wouldn’t be in jail now.” She looked down at her hand and realized she was pulling out tufts of the carpet.
“No, daughter. I had to save you from him, from his family.”
“I don’t know what to believe anymore, Mom. Who can I trust now? My name isn’t even real. WHAT’S MY REAL NAME?”
“I changed your name to protect you!”
“I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore.”
“You’re my daughter! My precious daughter!” Kerry cried, feeling utterly helpless standing in her kitchen in California while her daughter’s heart was breaking somewhere in Singapore.
“I need to go now, Mom.”
She hung up the phone and crawled onto the bed. She lay on her back, letting her head hang off the side. Maybe the rush of blood would stop the pounding, would end the pain.
The Goh family was just sitting down to some poh piah when Rachel entered the dining room.
“There she is!” Wye Mun called out jovially. “I told you Jane Ear would come down sooner or later.”
Peik Lin made a face at her father, while her brother Peik Wing said, “Jane Eyre was the nanny, Papa, not the woman who—”
“Ho lah, ho lah,† smart aleck, you get my point,” Wye Mun said dismissively.
“Rachel, if you don’t eat something you are going to deeesappear!” Neena chided. “Will you have one poh piah?”
Rachel glanced at the lazy Susan groaning with dozens of little plates of food that seemed completely random and wondered what they were having. “Sure, Auntie Neena. I’m absolutely starving!”
“That’s what I like to hear,” Neena said. “Come, come, let me make you one.” She placed a thin wheat-flour crepe on a gold-rimmed plate and scooped a big serving of meat-and-vegetable filling onto the middle. Next she slathered some sweet hoisin sauce on one side of the crepe and reached for the little dishes, scattering plump prawns, crab meat, fried omelet, shallots, cilantro, minced garlic, chili sauce, and ground peanuts over the filling. She finished this off with another generous drizzle of sweet hoisin and deftly folded the crepe into what looked like an enormous bulging burrito.
“Nah—ziak!” Peik Lin’s mother commanded.
Rachel began inhaling her poh piah ravenously, barely tasting the jicama and Chinese sausage in the filling. It had been a week since she had eaten much of anything.
“See? Look at her smile! There is nothing in the world that good food cannot fix,” Wye Mun said, helping himself to another crepe.
Peik Lin got up from her seat and gave
Rachel a big hug from behind. “It’s good to have you back,” she said, her eyes getting moist.
“Thank you. In fact, I really need to thank all of you, from the bottom of my heart, for letting me camp out here for so long,” Rachel added.
“Aiyah, I’m just so happy you’re eating again!” Neena grinned. “Now, time for mango ice-kleam sundaes!”
“Ice cream!” the Goh granddaughters screamed in delight.
“You’ve been through a lot, Rachel Chu. I’m glad we are able to help.” Wye Mun nodded. “You are welcome to stay as long as you like.”
“No, no, I’ve overstayed my welcome.” Rachel smiled sheepishly, wondering how she could have let herself hole up in their guest room for so many days.
“Have you thought about what you’re going to do?” Peik Lin asked.
“Yeah. I’m going to head back to the States. But first,” she paused, taking a deep breath, “I think I need to go to China. I’ve decided that, for better or for worse, I want to meet my father.”
The whole table went silent for a moment. “What’s the rush?” Peik Lin asked gently.
“I’m already on this side of the globe—why not meet him now?” Rachel said, trying to make it sound like it was no big deal.
“Are you going to go with Nick?” Wye Mun asked.
Rachel’s face darkened. “No, he’s the last person I want to go to China with.”
“You are going to tell him, though?” Peik Lin inquired delicately.
“I might … I haven’t really decided yet. I just don’t want a reenactment of Apocalypse Now. I’ll be in the middle of meeting my father for the first time and next thing you know, one of Nick’s relatives will land in the prison yard in a chopper. I’ll be glad if I never have to see another private jet, yacht, or fancy car for the rest of my life,” Rachel vehemently declared.
“Okay, Papa, cancel the NetJets membership,” Peik Wing wisecracked.
Everyone at the table laughed.