by Berri Fox
She stirs her coffee, watching me as I rub my eyes and pat at my hair. She looks shocked and surprised and yet she has no comeback.
I know I shouldn’t have yelled, but I just opened my mouth without thinking. It’s been a very long time since I slept somewhere warm and comfortable where I could just relax. Still, that’s not Helen’s fault. I am at her house.
“I’m sorry.” I mutter it sullenly, staring at the floor. I hear Helen’s spoon still hitting the edge of her mug.
“It’s okay.” She says quickly. Her tone implies it’s really not okay at all.
Well shit. What do I do now? My only friend in the city and I’ve gone and upset her. She’s even frowning a bit and I think I’d feel much better if she just let loose and screamed at me. I really don’t think Helen’s that kind of person though. She might be the only person I’ve ever met that doesn’t respond to her emotions.
I can feel that horrible screwy feeling in my chest. Like I know I’m going to scream or cry but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m tempted to run out the door right now.
But I’m wearing a robe, one of Helen’s actually. It’s warm and thick and probably the most expensive garment to ever touch my skin, but I can’t go running into the street wearing it.
I also have no where to go. The weight of the dream I just woke from lingers against me like a lover’s touch and I realize I don’t want to go. I want to stay here where I feel safe.
I look down at the blankets, trying to cover my shame. She’s been nice enough to let me stay here and what’s the first thing I do? Yell at her.
After a second or two I can feel her standing over me. I look up, expecting to see her arms folded and her eyes hard as she kicks me out.
Instead she’s standing over me with a great big cup of coffee. I look between her eyes and the cup a few times, not quite believing. She smiles as I reach out towards the mug.
“I’m sorry I woke you up.” She says softly.
My face feels warm, my cheeks tingling with blush. She’s apologizing to me… Even though I’m the cranky bitch that yelled at her first thing in the morning.
“It’s okay, I shouldn’t have yelled.”
Helen makes a dismissive gesture and sits down on the couch next to me. I curl my legs up and sit, cross legged, hands wrapped around my cup.
“I realize that the two of us come from very different worlds.” She says softly. I grin but keep my mouth shut. It’s a hell of an understanding.
“I want to understand you, Roxy.” She turns those green eyes on me and it’s like being peeled, a sweet fruit that has a thick skin slowly being opened to reveal the ripe flesh underneath. It feels scary but also beautiful. There is something inside me, a spark, an ember that is responding to her attention.
It could burn, it could blaze. It could overtake us both in a wildfire of passion. I’m known for my explosive nature and if I fall for Helen it could wipe out both of us.
I feel the urge to run again, but I can’t. I’m frozen by her green gaze.
“I don’t think anyone’s ever wanted to understand me before.” The words come out softly, as if I can’t quite voice them. She smiles warmly and I appreciate it so much it almost hurts.
“I want you to feel safe here. Until you get on your feet. Obviously.” Her voice rises a little, like she’s uncomfortable. It makes me nervous.
“I do feel safe.” I take a sip of my coffee, thinking that maybe it’s Helen who doesn’t feel safe. She appears to be completely calm, but I get the feeling there’s something she wants to say.
“Good.” She mutters it almost absentmindedly. She looks so professional, even though she’s only wearing a plain grey skirt and collared blouse the image of corporate woman is already in place. Her long hair is swept up by pins and I know once the jacket goes over top she’ll look like a statue, a towering pillar of everything I’m not, everything I could never have.
I like her. I’m surprising myself by the fact that I like her. Last night it was just hot woman, warm bed and a free dinner. Today…
Today I think this is a woman I’d like to kiss. This is a woman I would like to love with every inch of my body. The thing is that women like this don’t want girls like me.
When she turns and smiles at me it seems like she’s holding something back. I look away towards the floor because I want to see her looking at me with desire, but I’m afraid it would only be in my mind.
For a few brief seconds I imagine living here. I think about waking up to this face every day, holding her and loving her. I think about cooking dinner together while cold winter sweeps past the windows and holidays are full of love.
I scowl hard and keep my eyes trained on the floor. This can’t happen. It never will. No one could love me. Karen proved that beyond a doubt. Even if someone could, I would never believe it. I can’t put my heart out there. Not again.
When I look up, she’s still smiling. Her quiet grace stuns me, I feel like the roof could start to fall in and she would just easily step out of the way and call a construction crew without getting a hair out of place.
“I’ve got to finish getting ready for work, but I’d like you to stay, if you want.”
“Stay?” I almost drop my coffee I’m so shocked.
“If you want to.” For a brief second her calm expression wavers and I wonder what her true feeling might be. She obviously does want me to stay.
I pause for too long and she gives me the briefest of frowns. It barely leave a wrinkle between her brows.
“I can see that you’ve been through a lot, Roxy. Don’t feel bad about losing your temper, like when I woke you up. I want to understand you.”
“Why?” It bursts out of me, my surprise so sudden and shocking the word comes out like a whip crack.
She smiles that calm, serene smile again and it feels like a warm caress under my skin.
“I don’t even know that. But the thing is, I have this job I need done and I thought it might suit you. That’s why I asked you to stay.”
“What kind of job?”
“Can we talk about that tonight? I really do have to go now. The thing is, if we are going to work closely together then I want us to get to know each other. I just want to reassure you, I’m not going to get upset with you over… Trivial things.”
I’m left wondering how our ideas of ‘trivial’ translate, but I feel reassured that she wants me to stay.
“Just make yourself comfortable, hang out for the day and when I get back, we can talk about the job.”
“Sure.” I take a sip of coffee, letting the burning liquid hit me in the back of the throat. I’m trying to just be cool even though I feel like leaping and dancing around.
Helen smiles at me again and then hurries down the hall. She comes back with a stack of clothes.
“Feel free to pick what you like out of here, all of it is just a bit too small for me so it should suit you fine. I won’t be gone long and then we can have dinner and talk about the job.”
My mind is reeling. Stay here? Wear fancy clothes? Get a job… An actual job? I shake my head a little.
“It sounds great Helen.” When I smile back at her, my cheeks hurt, just a little.
That’s when I realize how long it’s been since I gave anyone a real, genuine smile.
As Helen turns her back to go, I watch her, just as confused by my own reaction as I am by her kindness to me.
Eleven
Helen
My heart is fluttering up into my throat and trying desperately to hammer its way out of my mouth. I try to breathe deeply but my throat constricts even further, and I just feel dizzy and sick.
I lean on the railings at the front of the building for a few seconds, shaking my head. I don’t know what I’m doing. Why did I make such an effort to be nice to her when the first thing she did when she woke up was yell at me?
I am curious as to what turned her into such a reactive, emotional creature. This fascinates me. I never had anything in my l
ife that worked me up like that and until recently I couldn’t have imagined a situation where my own feelings could get out of control.
But here I am, clinging to the railing with my guts heaving. I don’t try to rush myself, just let my body shudder and pound while I draw the breaths in slowly and deliberately. Within a few minutes I can get up and call a cab and then I’m in a much better position to go over my thoughts.
Roxy has something I’ve never had. Complete freedom. She says and does what she wants. She doesn’t care what people think. She feels keenly and reacts on instinct.
That turns me on so much.
But I can’t let my judgement be clouded by the fact I’m attracted to her. While I was sitting with her this morning it seemed like the most sensible thing in the world to tell her to stay.
Now I’m not sure. All those things I like so much about Roxy might be the exact same things that stab me in the back.
I head into my building and try to throw myself into work. It’s a busy day with designs and pages flowing across my desk and phones ringing nonstop. I can’t get my shit together. I keep going to the coffee room and just standing there over my cup looking into it like it might be the great oracle.
I left a strange woman in my apartment. Not just a strange woman, but a rough one who’s used to making her way with very little. She might be a professional criminal, looking out for lonely women like me. The thought fills me with dread.
I sit down in a corner with my coffee and the days designs have just disappeared from my mind. I know I’ve got deadlines and usually my mind would be full of work even while I was on a break, but not today.
I’m staring to get scared about leaving Roxy at home with all my stuff. I’m also furious with myself for making such a judgement and most likely, only doing it to sabotage myself.
I’ve got the perfect opportunity to get to know someone—someone I like, who might like me—and it could get me my own magazine section. All the reasons to do this pile up in my mind. It doesn’t make the nervousness any better, though.
I’m going to have to go home. I can’t stand this not knowing and I’m beginning to feel it was the biggest mistake of my life leaving her alone there.
“Oh, there you are!” Lisa comes through the door, smiling brightly. I tense up immediately because I know I’ve got several designs on my desk that should have been in her hands hours ago.
“Hey.”
“I really need to talk to you.”
“Those three advertising sheets will be in there in a few hours, I swear.”
“Wait, what? Oh, I know the ones. No rush, you can finish those later if you want. No honey I’ve got to talk to you about those spare pages.”
For a moment I’m totally lost. “We have spare pages in the next issue. Do you have a plan for them?”
“No, no honey. I mean the special section.”
“Oh.” My hands grip the cup even tighter. The special section, a way to come out to my friends and family as all things kink without looking like a deviant. That’s the reason I’m doing all of this!
If I knew it was going to be this much of an emotional roller coaster, I wouldn’t have gotten on the damn thing. I pine for my old existence suddenly, the peaceful calm of my mind and my entire life that was shattered by the idea that I had to have a wife.
Stumbling over a girl who is hopelessly wrong for the job but in many ways just right took all my common sense, screwed it into a ball and tossed it away.
“So yeah, Lisa. What about the special section? I haven’t started trying to design anything yet.”
“No, no. That’s okay. I had another offer for the section. It’s a good one.”
For a moment I feel like I’m moving away from Lisa so fast I can’t even answer. Now I’ve got Roxy at home in my apartment and stressing out over it and if I don’t get the section, I did it all for nothing! I feel frantic suddenly, like this situation is about to spiral out of control and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
“I don’t want to rush you, Helen. But if you could at least tell me you were going on a serious date then it would make me a lot happier. You know what this is, it’s a chance to come out, fully. I’m not giving you the section if you are going to hide behind your desk for the rest of your life.”
I take a sip of my coffee so I can hide the fact I’m staring at her, growing close to panic. I don’t think I want to get back behind my desk. I think that I want to work with models and photographers planning my section. I want to work with rope artists and kink enthusiasts. I want it all and I want to be able to do it without judgement.
“Helen.” Lisa frowns and I know she’s getting pissed off with me. I don’t blame her.
“It’s okay.” I blurt the words out so fast I don’t even have time to think. “The thing is, I do have a girlfriend.”
Lisa raises an eyebrow skeptically. “Really? Since when?”
“Oh, a few weeks… Maybe a bit over a month. I’ve been thinking about proposing to her.”
Liar, liar, liar.
“This is the first I’ve heard of it.” Her eyes look calculating, but her smile is real. She wants to believe me and that just makes the lie harder to tell. “Why didn’t you tell me the other day when we first discussed the deal?”
I shake my head. “I didn’t want to open up about it then. Not for the wrong reason. I just wanted to be sure of our relationship before I made it official.”
Lisa brightens immediately. Her eyes and smile light up and she grabs my arm, giving it a squeeze.
“That’s amazing! I’m so happy for you.” She stands up, moving towards the door. “I’ll tell the other guys that the section is full, and you’ll be able to start submitting your ideas in a couple of days.”
I’m so relieved on so many levels I sag in my chair, barely keeping hold of my cup.
“Oh, and Helen?”
“Yes?” I look up quickly, thinking she must have read the lie written all over me and she’s come back to shatter me to pieces.
“That French place tonight, yes?”
“The French… Restaurant?”
“Yes honey. I’ll bring Sharon. You bring your girl. Got to make it official!”
She leaves the room without looking back and I feel my emotional turmoil flooding through my blood again, setting my stomach boiling with anxiety.
Twelve
Roxanne
For the first few minutes after Helen leaves, I just sit on her couch and look around. I’ve never been in an apartment this fancy before. Its all smooth lines and straight cut walls. Her furniture and decorations are vibrantly colored, but also perfectly coordinated.
I turn on the TV and theres only a bunch of morning shows. I turn the sound down and pull out my phone, setting up some tunes. Then I start rummaging through the fridge.
There isn't much in here. What does the woman even eat? Its all low fat yogurt and fresh fruit. There is, however, several bottles of wine and two bottles of champagne.
I don’t know enough about this sort of thing to know if its good champagne or not. The one thing I do know is that I need a drink and this shit looks good.
I manage to pop the cork without much difficulty and I’m relieved when it doesn’t spray everywhere. I pour some into a mug and keep hunting through the kitchen.
Jesus fuck! Wholemeal pasta—I never knew such a thing existed. Healthy biscuits and protein bars. I’m almost beyond endurance when I spy some shining boxes at the back of the cupboard.
Fancy chocolates! Biscuits with cream in the center! I trot back to the couch with my bounty and drop myself down into the soft cushions to have my breakfast.
Its funny watching the morning shows doing their thing while my music plays. They all look out of sync. A couple of glasses of champagne in, they look even funnier. I realize I’ve finished all the sweets and wonder if I might starve to death before she gets home.
I swear to God, Im not eating any of that health stuff. We are going to order a pi
zza if I have any say in it.
I remember the cookies we got at the diner and pull them out of my bag and start crunching them while I go through the clothes. Helen’s robe is big and comfy and I don’t really want to change, but I need to find something to wear while my gear gets washed. I pick up each garment in turn before hurling it to the floor in disgust.
Every blouse or skirt is plainly cut and solidly colored. Theres beige, white and black. Nothing bright or fun. I hold a couple of the dresses up to myself but I cant bring myself to put them on.
I check out the TV and the movie is coming on. I switch off my phone and settle in.
While I watch the movie I slam through most of the champagne and everything in the kitchen I can find that might have sugar in it. The movie turns out to be one of those romances where they don’t get together until the end and then one of them dies.
I swallow the last of the champagne in disgust and head to the bathroom. I start filling up the massive tub and fill it with all kinds of salts and oils. The warm water immediately makes me feel better. I soak and scrub and rinse out my hair. I’m actually thinking I could eat a strawberry now. Maybe when I open the other bottle of champagne.
As I wander back to the TV I trip over a pile of clothes I left on the floor. I drop my towel and fall on my ass.Cursing, I get up and pull the robe back on. I have to navigate to the lounge dodging the wrappers and cups Ive left lying around.
I lay back on the big couch, watching the TV out of the corner of my eye. Nothing interesting is on and I might need more music. I stumble to the fridge, rip off the cap of the other bottle of champagne and take a hit right from the bottle. I grab the tray of strawberries and trot back to the couch.
I turn the volume up eagerly as the afternoon game shows and talkies come on. Maybe I’ll get to see a celebrity fuck up or something. I honestly cant remember the last time I was able to hang out like this for a whole day, just pleasing myself and relaxing. Helen’s a hell of a gal.