“I’m so impressed with how you have handled your grief. You knew that you had to go into the storm to heal, and you did it, unflinching. I saw you with the same black clouds above you that my Louis had, battling the same furious conditions that drowned him. You felt all of the pain, and all of the anger, and you allowed it in. You shirked nothing, avoided nothing – you dove into the storm, and you made your way through, and now you’ve come out the other side. I’m so proud of you. There will be cloudy days ahead, of course, but you’ve let the sunshine in. You are a remarkable young woman.”
As Rhiannon blushed, she sensed her dad approaching her. And as he folded her into his arms, she smiled.
* * * * *
Storm above, storm within, storm without.
She had stood in the storm, arms outstretched and face turned to the sky, and felt her body and soul battered and bruised and torn apart by its cruel power.
She had been the storm, been the might of its eye, and the chill of its ice, and the howling of its winds, and the drenching of its rains, and the crack of its thunder, and the flash of its lightning, and the swirling press of its magical, mysterious mists.
She had caused the storm, wreaking havoc and instilling fear in others.
She had been broken inside and out by the storm – lightning splitting her mind as it split the sky, thunder shaking her to the very core, leaving her unmoored and unanchored.
Words had been carved into her heart by the storm, words of love and of loss, and of the futility of trying to stand up to its power and fury.
It taunted her: “You cannot withstand this storm.”
But Rhiannon roared back: “I am the storm!”
* * *
She knew it, deep in her bones in the throes of her pain and the rain that poured down on her. Windswept and broken and dashed on the shore, then left, bereft.
Shattered, then rising from the fire, from the ashes.
Scattered shards eventually glued back together and made whole again. Except for the scars etched so deeply into her body and soul. Scars that would always remain. That she would wear as a badge of honour. Of endurance. And as a place to let the light come in.
Her heart had broken wide open.
Wings tattered and torn, and brought undone.
Rhiannon of the birds. The angel terns circle, with their hungry beaks and their hungry eyes.
Then the goddess speaks, and the darkness seeks, wanting to drown her in its inky black, lose her in the constellation of stars on a moonless night, hide her within a shimmering light, stretched out across the black highway of the sky, of the road to hell and to pain and to loss, made real and twisted inside with the lies, with the pain, with the well of shades she was drowning in.
* * *
Shadows and light, and the ferocity of the storm splitting her heart and her soul and her self.
Holding the wind in her hands and the inky blackness in her heart and the echo of hope flung around her shoulders like a cloak.
Seeking the heat she cannot find, the flame in her heart, in her very being. The star that will guide her home.
Torn from the shore and floating, drifting, drowning.
Hammer to heart and darkness in bloom.
A planet within, starlight without, the dying breath of a dying dream and a universe too large to contain.
* * *
But the magic was bringing her back to life. Waking her up inside. Fusing the shards of her shattered soul, returning what had died and gone, and bringing it back.
The rituals were a path to reveal her hidden light.
The friendship was a beacon calling her home.
She was still a riven soul, raw and broken and torn asunder.
And yet it would be the broken pieces of her that would be her strength, her power, her beauty, her knowing.
Carved by loss. By cold and rain, and fire and flame.
Heat and ice that froze her inside, and then released her…
Finding her strength again. Her self again.
She was the balance in the eye of the storm, and finally she was home again.
Chapter 36
A New Storm Breaks
Beth... Twenty years ago...
The week passed in a haze of classes, study and helping her mother pack, then seeing her off. The relief Beth felt when Patricia finally drove off to London for the last time was palpable, and she spent the weekend wandering through the house from empty room to empty room, enjoying the beauty of silence and the freedom from criticism and fear.
A huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders, and from her heart, and there were moments when she couldn’t quite believe that she was free of her parents, and finally working towards her dream vocation and her dream life.
Just eight weeks ago she’d reluctantly dragged herself home for her sister’s wedding, dreading every moment she would have to spend in the village, spend with her family, and desperate to head back to Paris and resume her real life the second she could. Instead she’d become close to her sister, and healed a piece of her heart through their new relationship. She’d been shocked to develop a real friendship with Mike and Violet – the closest she’d had since… well, ever. How sad, that she hadn’t even realised how surface-level her travelling friends had been. Even Priya, who she’d shared a house with for a year, didn’t actually know her, not the way Violet and Mike had seemed to do as soon as they’d met her.
She’d been shattered to realise that the man she’d thought she loved had lied to her and manipulated her – but her heart was being put back together by the hope of her feelings for a better man. She’d been healed by the priestess Rose too, and discovered the magic she’d always had within her, thanks to the beauty of the rituals she’d been invited to take part in, and a few mysterious encounters within the mists.
Now, rather than taking jobs just because she fell into them, even though they weren’t exactly what she wanted to do, she was studying to become a teacher, the career she’d always dreamed of. Life couldn’t get any better.
She wasn’t even worried any more about whether she and Mike would end up together anymore, because she was happy with her life and her self. Now that she knew herself, and knew her heart, she was confident that she would meet the person she was destined to be with when the time was right. Maybe it would be Mike, maybe not, but her impatience had evaporated, and her stress was gone. Life was good, just the way it was.
When she met Violet for dinner on Sunday night, she felt at peace and at ease with herself, and was glad that her friend was bursting with happiness too. Quickly she revealed that everything was fine with Andre – his cold demeanour in class had simply been because he didn’t want anyone to know he was dating a student. It had to be their secret, he’d said – “how cool is that?” Violet grinned – as apparently it would seem unprofessional if anyone knew, and he didn’t want people to think he was favouring her because they were in a relationship.
Her eyes shone. “He said we’re in a relationship!”
Beth tried not to gag. “Did you tell him it actually made it more obvious that there’s something going on between you two because he ignored you? Especially compared to all the flirting and the extra attention he’s always given you?”
“No, I didn’t think of that, but I’ll mention it tomorrow when I see him.” Violet grinned again. “I’m spending my last day of freedom from school with him, and we won’t leave his room all day. So I’ll meet you and Mike in class, is that all right?”
“Sure.”
“Mike mentioned that he’d pick you up after college again, like last week, if that’s fine with you?”
Beth nodded, and tried not to dwell on the thought of Violet and Andrew in bed all day. “That sounds like a good plan. How are you and Mike getting along anyway? Have you seen him much this week? Is he okay?”
Violet forced a smile. “He will be. And he’s really grateful to you, for going to class with him the other night, and listening to him vent, and ju
st being there for him. I think he really likes you,” she said, voice teasing and eyebrows raised.
Beth blushed, and quickly changed the subject. “How is your mum coping with the knowledge that Mike won’t be her son-in-law now?” she asked, figuring two could play at the unsettle-your-friend game.
Sadness crossed Violet’s face, and Beth felt a pang of regret in asking. “I haven’t told her yet.”
“Why not? She’s the perfect mum, and she’s so understanding,” Beth began, but Violet impatiently cut her off.
“Oh my god, no, I can’t tell her, not yet! Please Beth, promise me you’ll keep this between us!”
“But surely she’ll be happy for you, if you’re happy. She loves you so much Vee, she only wants what you want, only wants you to be happy.”
“Maybe she’s like that to everyone else,” Violet snapped. “But when it comes to me, she mixes up what I want, and what’s good for me, with what she wants. She adores Mike, and thinks we’re perfect together, so she’ll be devastated. So I’m putting it off for as long as possible.”
“But if you love Andre, surely she will too,” Beth insisted. “If he’s so wonderful she’ll see that, and think so too. Or are you having doubts about him?”
Panic raced across Violet’s face and flashed through her eyes, and she picked up her glass of water and took a huge gulp. “No, of course not,” she said hastily, almost angrily, but Beth stared at her, eyebrows raised in question.
“I promise Beth, it’s so wonderful. I love him so much – and it’s so much deeper and more grown-up and amazing than what I had with Mike. I’m actually just worried that you or Mike will let something slip to Mum, before I’m ready to tell her.”
Beth’s expression revealed how she felt about that insult, and Violet reached across the table and took her hand. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that how it sounded. I just, I want to wait until it’s a little more concrete before I tell anyone else. Not that it isn’t, we’ve been together over a month now, so I’m sure, I promise. I know that he’s the love of my life, and he swears I’m his –”
“A month?” Beth cut in, voice almost a shriek. “You’ve been cheating on Mike all this time?”
Her friend blushed. “Well, five weeks, but it was really slow at first, just friendship. They weren’t real dates, just, well, meeting for coffee to talk about the course… and, um, getting to know each other, and... stuff...” She trailed off, wilting in the heat of Beth’s angry gaze. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Beth held up a hand. “It’s not me you have to apologise to.”
Violet sighed. “I know. I feel terrible about Mike. I never wanted to hurt him, but I couldn’t stay with him once I knew I loved someone else. That I wasn’t in love with him any more.”
“That’s not the issue Vee. No one thinks you should stay with Mike just because he still loves you. But you do owe him the respect of being honest with him, surely, and treating him well, and fairly. And it’s not fair that you’re making him act like he’s still your boyfriend in front of Rose, then expecting him to turn it off when you run off to be with Andre the minute she’s not looking,” she said, passion in her voice.
“And worse, Mike won’t be able to move on while he’s pretending to be your boyfriend – and no one will want to go out with him when they think he’s still with you.”
She tried to dial back her disapproval, but it was tough. She couldn’t believe that Violet didn’t see how unfair she was being to her poor dumped boyfriend. “I will keep your secret for now, but you can’t keep lying to your mum, and you can’t keep putting Mike in such an awful, soul-destroying situation.”
“You care about him.” Violet sounded almost surprised.
“Of course I do Vee, I care about you both.”
Astoundingly, she didn’t blush, or get tongue-tied, and she marvelled at her composure. Yes, she did love Mike, but she wanted him to be happy – and not to be hurt – more than she needed him to be with her. She no longer felt the previous desperation for him to like her, to want her. Had it only been Andrew’s words and manipulations that had led her to cast that love spell? Had he cast one on her?
Scanning back over the past few weeks, she realised that she hadn’t actually been obsessing over him until after that conversation in the cafe with Andrew, when he’d asked her – no, blackmailed her – to encourage Violet to break up with Mike, and suggested that he could help her win him over in return. When he’d given her those books on binding magic.
Of course she’d say yes if Mike asked her out, she wasn’t that noble, but she really was content to just be his friend, especially right now, when he was dealing with so much, and she wanted to focus on her studies. Huh, maybe she was becoming mature at last. The thought made her giggle.
Violet gazed at her quizzically.
“Sorry, it was a train of thought thing. I was just thinking, with my studying and all, perhaps soon I might be as grown-up and sure of my place in the world as you and Mike are.”
A laugh erupted from her friend, and the surprising sound lifted the mood. “Really? Us? Whatever made you think that?”
Beth laughed too, and they moved on to safer topics, like the upcoming Mabon ritual. Violet told her it was a celebration of balance, harmony and gratitude, which honoured the loving yet challenging relationship between the goddess Demeter and her wayward daughter Persephone.
“But what if your mother is more she-devil than goddess?” Beth asked, only half joking. Her friend explained that you could also honour your mothering of yourself, your maternal feelings towards a person or situation, or any projects you wanted to grow and develop, and nurture into being.
As she walked home afterwards, Beth thought hard about that. Maybe wanting to be a teacher was her way of nurturing children in the way she’d never experienced, but had always wished for. Perhaps it would somehow address the imbalance in her own life, which perfectly complemented the seasonal festival they were about to celebrate.
* * * * *
By the time the ritual rolled around, Beth was excitedly looking forward to it, and she spent a long time getting ready. A soothing bath, scattered with dried rose petals, apple blossoms and ground orris root, settled her into an almost-trance state, opening her up to whatever the night would bring. After gently drying off, she got dressed in a long floaty gown, the rich colour of autumn leaves, then she wound thin gold ribbons into her hair. Once she was almost ready, she twined a garland of ivy leaves on her head like a crown, and slipped her magical rose quartz pendant around her neck.
As she climbed the stairs to the sacred space above Rose’s healing centre, a woman in a long blue dress, her wavy red hair flowing loosely around her shoulders, was coming down. She paused in front of Beth and smiled at her, then reached out a hand and held it over her heart. A flood of warmth flowed into her, and she felt enveloped in love and peace.
“Beloved, trust. You are surrounded by love, and you always will be.” The voice was a whisper, was a song, was a spell.
By the time she could find her own voice, the woman had gone, sweeping past her down the stairs. When she heard the bell over the front door tinkling, she assumed it was the mysterious stranger exiting the store, but a moment later Violet was standing behind her on the stairs.
“Hi Beth, are you okay?”
Beth turned to her, gaze soft, thoughtful, dreamy. “Did you see a woman in a blue cloak leaving as you came in?”
Eyes crinkling with curiosity, Violet stared at her friend. “No, it was just me. Why?”
“Huh.” Beth shrugged. “How strange. A woman just came down from the ritual room, and placed her hand over my heart, and it was so comforting, so healing. But maybe she wasn’t really there. God, am I hallucinating now?” She tried to keep her voice light, jokey, but she felt a shiver of fear.
Violet smiled reassuringly and took her hand to lead her upstairs. “Stranger things have happened around here,” she giggled. “Maybe one of those mysterious women from
the mists that people claim to have seen came to offer some maternal love to you. It’s the perfect day for it.”
“You’ve seen them too?” Beth asked, voice incredulous.
Violet shook her head. “No, but I’ve heard people talk about them. And I must admit, I always feel jealous when I hear the stories. I’d love to meet an Otherworldly being one day!”
“Maybe they only show themselves to those who really need them, need the comfort,” Beth muttered. How weird, that super-spiritual Violet hadn’t met one.
“Girls!” Rose called from the top of the stairs. “I’m glad you’re both here. Mike is already inside, and we’ll be starting soon, so come on up.”
Violet gazed at Beth, a question in her eyes, and her friend sighed. “I’ll keep your secret, for now,” Beth whispered. “But tell her soon, please. Promise me?”
“I promise.”
When they reached the landing they hugged Rose, were smudged with sage by Laura, who had just started the same teachers training Beth had, then joined Mike over by the window as the last rays of the setting sun shone in on him, softening the pain on his face. He kissed them on the cheek, then they chatted about their plans for the following weekend.
They’d decided to go up to London for the day, and Beth was looking forward to showing them some of her old haunts. She knew they would both love the Chelsea Physic Garden, and Violet had talked them into going on a river cruise up the Thames as well. She also regaled them with stories about the psychic readings she’d done for several customers that day, to help Rose out.
And then it was time to focus on the enchantment Rose was weaving. The whole ritual was so beautiful, so magical, and the priestess’s meditation journey about mothers and daughters was very healing for Beth. It made her realise she was slowly letting go of her bitterness towards her own mother – and even starting to see their struggles over the years as character building.
Into the Storm: Into the Storm Trilogy Book One Page 42