by Amo Jones
“How are you holding up?” she asks, taking a sip of her own drink. A cosmo, I think. Who drinks cosmos in a biker bar/compound? Ella, obviously. “I mean,” she begins, her eyes diverting, “I know you and Miles were close and all that, so how are you holding up?” I didn’t want to talk about Miles, so I opted for changing the subject.
“What’s yours and Raze’s last name?” I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.
She searches my eyes, well aware of how fast I flipped that around, before exhaling a deep breath. “McKenna. Raze Myers McKenna.” She grins, her smile softening and her eyes glistening.
Huh, that’s not too bad. Though I do want to ask about the Myers name.
She continues, “I’m still a McKenna. I refused to part with my last name when Raze faked my death.” She watches me closely.
“But isn’t that Kurr’s last name? I’d run from that surname.”
She nods, taking another sip. “It is. But that’s not why. It’s because of what it represented. It was family. Raze may be heartless and the most feared man in the United States of America, but he’s still my brother, and he’s only ever protected me.”
I smile, trying to understand where she’s coming from, but I don’t. Family means blood, not last names.
Melissa shoves me with her arm. “How’re things going over there?”
I swallow my shot. “They’re fine.” Looking up to the Old Fella, I smile. “Another?”
He grins. “Sure thing, baby doll.”
“How’s Meadow?” I ask, shooting it down and asking for another. I know I should slow down, but it feels too good. I’m at that point where it all feels fuzzy, and I just want this feeling to never stop. Which will result in me being shitfaced, but it’s working right now, taking my mind off a certain man who wore an immaculate suit and peered through strong brown eyes.
“She’s good. She and the baby come home tomorrow,” Jada says, looking to me from Melissa’s side.
I smile at Jada. “And how’s the big boy?”
She laughs, shaking her head. “Garret is…. well, Garret.”
Garret is Jada’s son. She’s a single mom who lives on the property in a house not far from Hella and Melissa. She owns a fancy tattoo parlor in downtown Vegas and has an interesting past—one she’s still running from.
After my… I forget how many shots, I stand from my seat, the floor becoming fuzzy and my head going dizzy. “Wow.” Gripping onto the bar, I steady myself, and Melissa and Ella both laugh, gripping onto my arms to anchor me. “Thanks.”
Ella smiles at me before her eyes go over my shoulder and her jaw stiffens. Turning around to see what caused her hackles to shoot up, my eyes land on a smug Frost. I roll my eyes.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t my old lady.” He grins, his eyes remaining on Ella but his hand going out to me.
Oh, I see what’s going on here.
I scowl at him, flicking his hand away with my fingers. “Frost, don’t use me as a tool.”
His smile drops, his hand shoving into his pocket. “You hurt me.” His other hand rubs over his chest in mock hurt, and I roll my eyes again.
I can see Ella’s head tipping back in my peripheral vision as she downs her next drink, and Frost sadistically grins, eyes locked on her. Taking a seat back on my stool and ignoring Frost, I turn to Ella. “You and Frost?”
Coughing, her hand comes up to her mouth to cover her choking. “What? No. I believe in love, Millie, not…” Her eyes dart to Frost before coming back to mine. “False hope.”
I pat her hand. “Frost is many things, but I wouldn’t put the L-word near his name.”
“Surprise, surprise.” She scoffs. “Why are all the men we know so fucked up?”
I exhale. “No one will ever know.”
BEAST KICKS OFF. “SO, WHAT we know is Shelby has run off. We don’t know who with, but we will.” He pauses, leaning back into one of the old office chairs they have surrounding the table. Beast continues, “We close down this pipeline, the final pipeline that holds a rope of loyalty to Kurr, and then we can start actively searching for Shelby.”
Hella growls from the right side at the table. Beast looks to him with his eyebrow raised, and I smirk from beneath my finger, which is running across my upper lip. Beast may be my brother by blood, but I’m well aware of how close he and Hella are. It’s amusing to watch their brotherly banter. It’s similar to what I had with Miles.
“Got something to say?” I quip to Hella.
He looks toward me, a slight challenge in his eyes. “Yeah, I fucking do. She led my girl, and yours, as of recently, to you fuckers. Which, by the way, why are you here?” He looks to Beast. “Why is he here?”
I chuckle, unfazed, and look to Beast. “Yeah, brother, care to explain why the fuck I’m here?” I know why. Beast wants backup on taking down this pipeline, which I’ll be happy to give him, because one, I need those fuckers gone, and two, I haven’t felt death in a while and I sort of miss it.
Beast growls at Hella, “Because I fucking said, and last I checked, I’m the one who holds this gavel.” He looks toward me, and I remain slouched in my chair, trying to stifle a laugh. Beast notices my amusement and his eyes narrow.
“Oh, calm down.” I grin. “You want my fucking backup? Done. I want that pipeline taken down just as much as you do, but after this, I don’t help you where Shelby is concerned, because she isn’t my problem.” I shrug, standing from my chair. “I have enough bullshit. But if you run into anything?” I look directly at Beast until his eyes lock onto mine. “I’ll be there.” I didn’t say that because of some brotherly tickle I felt deep inside my chest. I said it because I can never have enough alliances; it’s just smart business.
Beast nods, and I head toward the door, ignoring the glare I can feel coming from the Hellion himself. Walking toward the bar, I catch Millie scowling at Frost, and Ella doing her damn best to not look at him.
Frost. Shoulda killed that fucker the first time I had my hands wrapped around his throat.
Walking toward Millie, I reach out, my arm snaking around her waist, before I dip my lips to the back of her ear. Goose bumps shiver on her arms and I smirk. “Come on, baby. I’ve gotta head out tonight.” She spins around, a smile on her face and that same glint in her eye I’ve become attached to. Or obsessed with. Haven’t figured out which feeling is the most powerful.
“Hey!” Ella pokes my arm.
I nudge my head at her. “Yeah?”
“Can I stay with you tonight?” My eyes squint and I look toward Frost for a second, sizing him up. He follows my lead, his eyes skimming over my body.
Looking back to Ella, I answer, “Yeah, but why?”
“Do I need a reason?” she asks, before picking up her purse and making her way to the doors.
“Guess not.”
Millie laughs, patting my shoulder. “Oh, baby. How clueless you can be for such a smart man.”
My head cocks back as I watch her walk her sexy ass across the floor, following Ella out.
“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” I whisper to myself, but Frost hears.
“Means me.” He drops down onto the bar stool Millie evacuated.
“What’d you do? Do I have to remind you that one of those girls is my sister and the other is, well”—I grin, my eyes boring into his—“mine.” My eyes widen around the word to accentuate my point.
Throwing his head back in laughter, he picks up his beer from the table and grins around the rim.
Melissa rolls her eyes at me. “Relax, Raze. I know my sister. She won’t stray far from your lap.”
But she has. Twice. And continues to drive me fucking crazy.
Beast walks out from church and I turn to face him. “Can we talk?” he asks, and nudges his head toward the way the girls went.
I nod, following his lead.
“Hella is hell-bent on finding Shelby. Are you positive you don’t know shit? ‘Cause if I find out you’re hiding something, I’ll have
no problem putting a bullet in you. Brother or not,” he says with a relaxed grin on his mouth. Once we hit outside and the wind is the only thing separating both Beast and me, I look in the direction of the car to see Millie and Ella laughing.
I glance back to Beast. “It ain’t my beef. Shelby? I understand her vendetta. So tell me. Why should I help you over her?”
His eyes narrow. “What? You making this a business deal?”
“Didn’t get to where I am by dishing out favors, brother.”
He nods, but yet his eyes still hold surprise. “I can respect that.”
“So?” I question him. “Once you figure out just what you can offer me, yeah, I got some info you might find useful on Shelby.” I walk toward my car, leaving his questions hanging in the air. Pulling open the driver’s door, I slip inside, noting how quiet Millie and Ella are now. “Did I interrupt something?” I stare at Ella in the rearview mirror while putting the car into first gear.
She sighs. “No. No, you didn’t.” I watch as her eyes dart out the window, a small smile coming back onto her mouth, and I take in how her eyes are rimmed red and her cheeks are pinched pink, like she’s been laughing for days. I should be terrified Millie has obviously stolen a side of Ella that I have never seen, but I’m not. As much as Millie is a little mentally unstable, I know how much I mean to her and how much humanity she has toward people. She wouldn’t hurt anyone, ever. She’s just crazy.
The ride home is silent, and I glance over at Millie, the orange hues of the streetlights lighting up her jaw. “You okay?” I ask.
She smiles and looks at me, her hand coming to mine. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.”
“I need to drop you two off so I can shut down these Cowboys.” I pull away, gripping onto the steering wheel.
“Oh, okay,” Millie says, putting her hand back onto her lap. I immediately feel like shit, because I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone or anything. It’s true; I hate mercilessly, I kill expertly, and I rule like a fucking god. Love, though? Love is something I’m not familiar with. But whatever I feel for Millie, that shit is untouchable, and I don’t even think it’s love. I don’t think the word love could even scratch the surface for what I feel for her.
It’s also the single most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced, and that’s not something I’m familiar with either. I’ve never felt fear. Ever. I’ve been on the receiving end of military weaponry, knives, and machetes, and I’ve never felt it. I look death in the eye with a smirk every single time. Nothing created fear until I met Millie. Is she ready for that? Fuck, I’m not even ready for that bullshit, but I’d raise fucking hell if anyone dared touch her or disrespect her.
The way she always wants to fuck the rage out of me. Feel my soul seep out of my flesh until its wreckage is on display. She just wasn’t expecting to lose her own as I choked her pain away.
I WALK DOWN THE HALLWAY while Ella starts making a snack downstairs. Miles’ bedroom door beams at me, and I step away until my back hits the wall. A ball of pain forms in my throat, and before I know what I’m doing, I’m walking toward his room, grasping the handle, and pushing it open.
Sucking in a breath, I take in how completely untouched everything is. Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply until I can taste Miles’ sweet cologne in the back of my throat. Walking to the sound dock with the iPod hooked up, I hit play, and Breaking Benjamin’s “Close to Heaven” begins playing. The lyrics hit me right where all my pain is rooted. All the air feels as though it’s being tugged out of me with each strum of the guitar.
Slowly, I tremble to the floor, my legs giving way as my knees buckle, and the first sob escapes me. Gripping his blanket and yanking it off his bed, I wrap it around myself until I’m curled in a fetal position. Every time a sob wracks through my body, a memory flashes before my eyes.
“I miss you, Miles.” I squeeze the blanket in my hand. “I miss how you called me puddin’, even though it made me think I looked like the Joker.” I laugh sadly. “Actually, maybe because I did look like the Joker. The Jared Leto version.” I sniff. “I just miss you so much.”
I can almost feel Miles’ presence all around me. I can imagine what he would say right now.
Closing my eyes, I let my tears seep into my pores and soothe me to sleep.
“Raze, she’s in here!” Ella hisses, as the bright hallway light sneaks through the opened door, splitting the dark room.
A shadow blocks the light, and I squint my eyes. Shit, I feel asleep.
“Hey,” I say, pushing up until I’m sitting on the bright orange plush rug. Raze pauses, swallows, and then nods to Ella, dismissing her. I go to get up, but he walks into the room, flicking the light on and shutting the door.
I pause. Maybe I’ve overstepped a line. Shit. Maybe he didn’t want anyone in this room. A cloud of horror shades over me, and just as I’m about to apologize, Raze speaks.
“I haven’t been in here since….” He clears his throat and looks around the room, shaking his head.
Breaking Benjamin has long since finished, and now Stained’s “So Far Away” plays softly through the speakers, and I want to smash it. If I didn’t know better, I’d think Miles was speaking to me from the other side.
“Ghosts don’t exist, puddin’. The only real monsters are the ones who sneak into your room at night and watch horror movies with you.”
“God!” I giggle awkwardly, rubbing the tears off my face angrily. I can just see his smug looking smile and his mischievous eyes pointed right at me.
Raze turns to face me, leaning against the table that sits to the right of Miles’ bed. “What?”
Shaking my head, I let the tears drop. “Nothing, it’s just….”
“Sometimes you can hear him? Feel him?” Raze says, his face blank. Emotionless.
I whip my head up to him and smile anyway, because if he wants to act like Miles’ death doesn’t affect him, I’ll just make sure he sees how bad it has affected me. “Yeah.”
Raze chuckles, turning around and picking up the photo frame, which is beside his bed. It’s a picture of Miles and me. One of the nights he snuck into my room. I remember when he snapped it. His arm was stretched up and his tongue came out of his perfect, plump lips. I was leaning my head into his chest, his other arm around my shoulders, and I made an exaggerate duckface.
Raze’s eyes narrow, not questioning when the photo was taken, because truthfully, he knows there were many times when it was just me and Miles. “I’d never seen Miles with anyone else the way he was with you.”
“Really?” I question, stepping closer to Raze, and I watch how his eyes remain on the photo, studying it like he’s preparing for the most important test in history.
“Yeah,” he says, clearing his throat. “You brought out the best in him.” He turns to face me, placing the photo down onto the bedside table again. “You bring out the best in both of us, Millie. But it’s lethal, because it only extends to you.”
I pick up the photo and clutch it in my hand, closing my eyes.
“What do you mean?”
“Because,” Raze whispers, “these feelings you’ve made me feel, they’re only reserved for you. I’ve got nothing to give anyone else. I can’t be the man you probably need.” He steps toward me, his knuckles skimming over my cheek. I lean into his touch, needing it like a junkie needs their next hit. “I’m not a man who changes because of a girl, and trust me, if there ever was a girl who could make me change, it would be you. But not even you can stop the tornado I have living permanently inside me.” My eyes open, finding his staring down, drilling holes right into me. “And fuck if I don’t want that with you, baby,” he confesses, his thumb sliding over my bottom lip.
I choke on a sob. “But?” I whimper past the ball in my throat. My chest contracts with pain and my skin prickles with fear. Please don’t leave me.
His hand drops to the side of him in defeat. “But I can’t. If I could, I would have been able to by now. I can’t be saved, Millie. All I kno
w is when I look at you, when you’re with me, I’d damn well raise hell to make sure you’re safe.” He looks from my eyes to my mouth then back to my eyes again. “I’d take out a hundred of my own soldiers, just so you never get fucking hurt.” I draw in a breath, mesmerized by the depth of his words.
“Raze,” I whisper, my hands coming to his face. A face that is more beautiful than any other man I have ever seen, but it’s held together by such evil and darkness. “I don’t care.” My eyes search his and I see it. The barrier he has held over himself, probably since he was born, I see it nudge down, but not enough to completely let me in. Well, I’m stubborn, and I’m not a quitter. “If this is the only way I can have you, darkness and all, I’ll turn my back on anything that resembles light just to have you.”
His eyebrows draw in. My heart pounds against my chest, and my stomach churns with emotions so strong they could drain any sign of life from me. His hand comes up to mine and he pulls them off his face, pressing a light peck on the palm of my hand, all while our gazes remain on each other. He drops my hands then pulls me toward the door.
“Come on,” he says, and I clutch onto the photograph to stop it from slipping.
“Raze!” I smile, and everything slows as we hit the door. I grin, a slight chuckle escaping me. I look over my shoulder with one last giggle, finding a sort of peace, one that I haven’t felt since before we lost Miles. I can almost see him lying back on his bed with a cheesy grin on his face. He’d wink at me about Raze’s usual caveman antics.
And then, just like that, he was gone and the door was shut.
“SO WHAT IS IT THEN?” I ask Ella, as she spreads cream cheese over our bagels the next morning.
“It’s… I don’t know.” She exhales. “I know I want to feel love. You know?”
No, I don’t. But I won’t tell her that. I’m interested to know how someone with a twisted upbringing could have some distorted view of love, though. There’s something else to Ella that I have never been able to put my finger on. Something about the way she carries herself. I’m almost certain there’s a reason why she goes off about love, maybe to hide something else. When she’s ready, I’m sure she’ll tell me.