by Pema Donyo
I sat up straighter on the sofa. Okay, was this some national trend no one filled me in on? Where girls in relationships were expected to have sex with their boyfriends? “I’ve been busy with negotiating the contract. And he has work. We see each other every few days, but we never have much time together. And I do…” I gulped. “Want to, eventually.”
Wait. A sudden thought crossed my mind. My voice went into a whisper. “If he hasn’t tried anything yet, then he doesn’t want to have sex with me?”
Lucy waved a dismissive hand in the air. “Oh, don’t worry! It doesn’t matter. It was a stupid question. Forget I said anything.”
“I never thought about it! What if he doesn’t want to have sex with me, Lucy? I mean, you know how we were before the mission got botched in August? We haven’t hooked up since we got back together.” I hadn’t thought too much about it before, yet now it seemed like such a gigantic warning sign. “What if he’s not into me anymore?”
Lucy’s eyes widened. “Don’t say such things! You’re over-exaggerating. Adrian loves you. You guys are…” Her voice trailed off. “You know, busy.” She pursed her lips together. “Forget I said anything.”
But the damage was done.
****
I leaned back against the bed as Adrian pressed his body onto mine. He kissed me, soft at first, and then with more and more force. His hand snaked around my waist, pushing my body back against the soft silk sheets. I arched my back against his, and he groaned. He brought his hand up toward my breast…
And then pulled away from me.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as I sat back up. “Okay, I’ve had enough. What’s going on?”
Adrian rubbed the back of his neck. He averted his gaze from mine. “What?”
“This.” I motioned to him, all cool and composed in his black suit from work, and me, clearly hot and bothered. “The pulling away, this cold shoulder business.”
He moved to pull my dress back down, and I swatted his arm away. No way, mister. Not after we got started.
Adrian stood up, stretched out his arms, and strolled toward the window. The shutters were wide open and the soft night breeze billowed the white curtains into the room. “Have you ever wondered how attraction forms? What causes a connection to exist between two people and not others?”
Oh, no way. There was no way we were letting my sex topic die and give way to his philosophical questions again.
“Normally, I would love to discuss this topic, but not tonight.” I patted the mattress, welcoming him to join me. “We are talking about us right now.”
Adrian walked toward me again, sitting on the space next to me. The corners of his mouth tilted upward at my bossy tone, and he cupped my cheek with his hand. “What is there to talk about?”
“How you don’t want to have sex with me.”
Adrian dropped his hand. His eyebrows arched high into his forehead. It was like someone presented him proof the earth was actually flat. He sputtered out a word, but I couldn’t make it out.
“Yep. How you clearly don’t want to go all the way with me, the full Monty, do the deed, pop the cherry, pierce the flower…”
“All right, stop, stop.” Adrian held a hand up, his features contorted in pain. “First of all, who even says ‘pierce the flower’? Second…” He sighed. “Where’s this coming from?”
“Because you pull away from me every time we start to make out, and… well, you know…” I tugged my left earlobe. “Everyone else does it?”
Adrian pressed his lips together, and I could tell he was trying hard not to laugh. The corners of his eyes crinkled in amusement. He tucked a stray strand of my hair behind one ear. “Janey, Janey.”
“What?” I crossed my arms, irritated. Foolishness washed over me. The issue didn’t seem so important once I had said it out loud. I felt dumb.
“If that’s how you feel, I’m glad you brought it up.” Adrian studied me with a twisted, wistful smile. “I didn’t know.”
“Well, it is.” I uncrossed my arms, deflated. At least he cared about what I had to say. “You never used to pull away from me before. Something changed.”
“Things have changed.” He shifted on the bed, like he always did when he was uncomfortable. “You remember what happened a month ago.”
Somehow we managed to make it a whole month without bringing up what happened with Tristan. Adrian searched for Tristan, and to the best of my knowledge was still looking. Croyden was upset one of his trusted men suddenly disappeared, but it didn’t affect how impressed he was by the skills of CO, so the contract proceeded without a problem.
“I remember.” I fiddled with the heart pendant on my necklace. “But what does that have to do with now?”
“It has everything to do with right now. Your life was on the line again—the second time I saw it happen. You risked your life for me, Janey. You jumped in front of the table and somehow survived.”
“You were shot.”
“It’s different.”
“No, it’s not.” I took his hand in mine, but kept it laying in his lap. I peered down at our clasped hands and felt the familiar sense of comfort spread through me. “I care about you as much as you care about me, whether you believe it or not. Your life was on the line for the second time too, and I saw it happen.”
Adrian remained quiet for a moment. “I can’t lose you again.”
“You won’t.”
“You’re so breakable, like a china doll. You act so strong and you’re so brave in times of crisis but… You’re delicate, too. And I don’t want to hurt you.”
He was afraid he would hurt me during sex? I nearly laughed aloud at the thought. “You could never hurt me.”
His hands ghosted up and down my arms, grazing the skin enough for me to recognize the cue. A shiver ran up my spine.
Adrian kissed me, harder and more forceful than before. There was a new hunger in his kiss. I moaned, tilting my neck to expose the soft flesh. He showered kisses down my neck and pressed my body back toward the mattress. I lifted up his shirt, bringing it slowly over his head to rest my hands on the hard muscle beneath. He pulled off my own shirt, and I gasped as his cold touch made contact with the heated skin above my navel, slowly working upward toward my breasts.
He leaned toward me, reaching to unclasp my bra…
Right as the doorbell rang and a furious knocking rapped at the door.
Adrian groaned.
“I have to see who’s there,” I muttered. He rolled off me, his back against the mattress, and swore under his breath.
I put my shirt back on and hurried toward the door. The ringing doorbell and the knocking seemed to be simultaneous, increasing in tempo and becoming louder and louder. There was no way I could have ignored it.
I pulled open the door. Another executive I’d seen around the offices stood in front of me, shorter and stockier than I remembered. If he noticed my flushed cheeks and mussed hair, he didn’t say so.
“Can I help you?”
“The CEO requests a meeting with Adrian King in fifteen minutes in the CEO headquarters. The meeting is an emergency.”
“But this isn’t his apartment. It’s mine.”
“The CEO told me he would be at the apartment of Jane Lu.”
My jaw dropped. Oh, great.
I struggled to conceal my embarrassment. “I will be sure to relay the message back to him.”
The man nodded and walked away. I shut the door behind him.
“What was it?” Adrian called out from the bedroom.
“The CEO sent someone to give a message to you. You have a meeting with him in fifteen minutes.”
Adrian’s head popped out of the doorway. He seemed so adorable for a second, his messed-up hair sticking at odd ends and his mouth slightly swollen from our kiss. His expression, however, switched to a sudden look of panic.
I opened my mouth to comment, but he bounded over and placed an index finger over my mouth.
“Now, before yo
u say anything,” he added, “I told the CEO we were dating, and nothing else. My room must have been empty, and he was sent here. I didn’t tell him anything else about us.”
I pushed his hand away and sighed. “Still!”
“I know, I know.” Adrian ran a hand through his hair, messing it up further. “The last thing I need right now is him giving me more work to do.” He frowned. “It could be worse, Janey. I have to go.”
He picked up his coat from the sofa and shrugged into it. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
I sat back into the sofa as I watched him get ready to leave. “Yes?”
“We’re getting closer to figuring out who the spy is.”
I nearly choked on air.
Adrian bent down to lace up his shoes. His voice sounded excited, the kind of voice he used both when he was talking about top-secret CO operations and about the mysteries of the universe. “Someone knew we were going to meet the night in the warehouse. Someone told the CIA. Someone is spying on you, especially, from within CO.” Adrian stood up, his shoes laced and his chin held high.
I swallowed hard. How could he know?
“The investigations are narrowing, Janey. We’ve nearly figured it out.”
I fiddled with my necklace. “What happens when the spy is found out?”
“We kill him, of course.” Adrian paused for a moment, as if he was considering his next words. Then he finished the rest, speaking with the confidence he saved for CO functions. “The spy will be interrogated and then killed. We’re tracking the activity of some of our recent missions and the work of the executives.”
“And what if the spy stops his or her activity and no longer leaks information?”
Adrian opened the door and stood in the doorway. He still wasn’t facing me.
“Then the spy won’t be caught.”
He closed the door behind him, shutting it with a soft click.
His words echoed in my head. Only one other thought in my mind repeated aside from his cryptic words: I had to speak with Marge, the sooner the better.
****
“I’m done.”
She folded her arms in her lap and scrutinized me with all the disapproval of a stern schoolteacher. “You must be mistaken.”
“For now.” I picked up the magazine from the rack, checking out the back cover to see an advertisement. “I have to take a break from this. Someone at CO is tracking my activity. If Croyden’s mission continues successfully, whoever suspects me will assume the spy activity has stopped.” I set the magazine back and picked up another. “Or, you know, at least halted.”
Marge stared at the newspapers, her back to me and her voice urgent. “The investigative efforts have redoubled. For the next month, we will not meet. No more leaked information. As soon as March resumes, so will the supply of information.”
I snuck a look at the girl operating the magazine stand. She was texting someone on her phone and smacking her gum so loud the sound alone disguised the whispers between Marge and I. “You can count on it.”
Marge picked up a magazine and went to pay for it.
Following her cue, I spun around and walked away from the stand. So I was free for the next month. Somehow, I didn’t feel the amount of relief I’d thought I would. There was something dull and heavy left in my chest knowing I couldn’t help the CIA. I didn’t have a month off; I had a month of burdening myself with all the murders of CO and knowing there was nothing I could do to stop them. At least long enough for Adrian to get off my trail and be convinced the spying stopped.
“Jane.”
Hold up, I knew the voice. I pushed the thought out of my mind. No, it couldn’t be. No one had found him after he was discharged, neither Marge nor Adrian. There was no way he was right behind me. I was hearing voices in my head. Ah, great. This job was getting too stressful.
“It’s me, Tristan.”
I whirled around to face a man in sunglasses, a black baseball cap, and stubble grown into a short beard. The voice was Tristan’s; the appearance was not.
He lowered the sunglasses, revealing the notorious brown eyes. “I need to talk to you.”
“How are you here?” I glanced over his shoulder back to the magazine stand. Marge was no longer there, and Adrian was definitely still back at the headquarters. “Why would you still stay so close to the CO headquarters?”
“I’m going to leave the country tomorrow.” Tristan put the sunglasses back on. “I had to talk to you before I left.”
I drew the grey cardigan tighter around my white dress against the January chill and against the memory of my last encounter with him. “What makes you think I even want to talk to you?”
“Please hear me out.”
I wasn’t sure whether it was the begging in his tone which did it, or the ridiculous disguise. Even his clothes were different—the cool leather jacket had been discarded for a light blue windbreaker. But it didn’t change what he did or what he could still do.
“I’m not being alone with you anywhere.” I steeled myself against him, refusing to move my feet from the spot on the sidewalk. “If you want to talk to me, you’re talking to me here, out in the open.”
“I’m glad you’re not running away.” Tristan’s voice was softer than I remembered. The raging man full of revenge was gone.
“I know the gun wasn’t loaded.” I drew a shaky breath. “But it doesn’t change how I’m never going to forgive you, Tristan.”
“I don’t expect you to forgive me.”
“Then what?” I almost raised my voice, which would have called unneeded attention to both of us. I couldn’t suppress the frustration in my tone. “Why are you here? I thought you were one of the good guys, Tristan. I trusted you.”
“I needed to talk to you. I never intended for you to be hurt.” Tristan stepped closer toward me, and I stepped back from him. His jaw clenched. “I never wanted to lose your trust.”
“You lied to me,” I scowled. “You told me you wouldn’t betray me, and then you used me for your personal vendetta? I saw you as a friend.”
“We were.”
“Friends don’t use each other to extract vengeance! I thought all CIA agents were supposed to be the good guys. The way you tricked me was pure Covert Operatives. All those principles you pretended to have were false.”
“All CIA agents are also human. We’re not always going to be in the right. I know it was wrong. If I could go back and change what I did, I would.”
“You told me CO was wrong!” I cried. “You told me I was part of your team, your team who knocked Lucy into a coma and your team who strapped me to a chair and tried to kill Adrian.”
“The CIA did discharge me.”
“It’s the same! You acted in the name of the CIA just as assassins act in the name of CO!” I finally gave voice to the opinions stewing inside of me. A few people pointed at us as they passed by. I lowered my voice. “The lines between right and wrong are blurred. Nothing’s good or bad anymore. You were the CIA agent I thought I could depend on. I wanted to be like you, working for the side of the good. Now I know sides don’t exist. You’re not a murderer, Tristan. But you were capable of murder in Rome, as capable as any CO agent trying to close a contract.”
Tristan flexed his hands into fists. “Then why are you still spying for the CIA? Why don’t you give up and join your precious murderer for good? He has those plans now—you’d pop out a few kids with him and stay pampered.”
I pursed my lips. I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. How easy it would be to stop double-crossing CO and stay with my executive position, live the rest of my life with Adrian and not worry about whose side I was on. It would be easy.
But then it wouldn’t be worth it.
“That’s never been the life I wanted.”
Tristan remained silent, watching me from behind his dark shades. He opened his mouth to say something, and then seemed to think better of it.
I answered his unspoke
n question anyway. “Even before I was taken by the CIA, I never wanted to stay with Covert Operatives. I want to have a family, a steady job, and stay out of murder. Eventually.” His stance became less rigid as I came closer, and he leaned forward, trying to hear me better.
My voice hardened. “And it’s the things I know now about what CO did to my family, to innocent victims, all to preserve a business and make money. It’s all about money for CO.” I thought of Adrian’s love of his position as CEO. “And power,” I added. “The murders have to end. The cycle of power and greed has to end. And I’ll be the one to end it, I promise you.”
Some part of me hoped that Adrian would wake up one day and understand how wrong Covert Operatives was. That part of me also believed he could discover my double-crossing and love me enough to forgive me. My throat felt dry. It was just that – a hope. Nothing more.
Tristan took off his sunglasses and folded them on top of his shirt. The angry eyes from the night in Rome still appeared in my nightmares sometimes, but they were nothing like the eyes I saw right then. His gaze was apologetic, even sad. “I believe you, kid. I believe in you.”
“I never want to see you again, Tristan.” I blinked, trying to keep a blank expression on my face. “You were a friend to me for a while, and I’m not going to tip you off to Marge or Adrian. But you have to leave, and never seek me out again.”
“Give me another chance to explain.”
“You’ve had your chance. Now go.”
“Please forgive me.”
“Go.”
Tristan nodded. The sunglasses were back on as he walked straight ahead. There was no glance back. He’d walked out of my life for good. I watched his retreating form disappear around the corner and tried to ignore the sharp sting of loss in my chest.
I’d lost another friend.
Steadying myself, I wiped away the moisture beginning to form in the corners of my eyes. I would not let myself dwell on the throbbing in my chest, in the steady ache in my heart. I would weather this loss as I had all the others. I would survive the betrayal in the one way I knew how.