In Her Mind (Mountain High Valley Low )

by Renee Daniel Flagler

  She came at me with her finger pointed, as if I were a child. “This is no game, Shelly,” she said, stretching the word game as if to mock me. “This is your life.” She said each word as if each represented its own statement. “A life that you chose, I might add.”

  “That’s only because it was shoved down my throat by you and Daddy and your concerns for what your high-society, so-called friends might have to say. As if they lead the most perfect lives themselves,” I said, beginning to shake. Why had I listened to them in the first place? I should have never agreed to marry Brandon. Brian was my target and I should have remained focused on the prize. Maybe I wouldn’t have spent the last two years in agony, yearning for what I had left behind. Like an actress that had been cast for the wrong role, I never felt like I belonged with Brandon.

  “Don’t tell me you’re after that Brian again? Sheila raised her hands in disgust as the realization hit her. “You were smart enough to leave that alone years ago. Why rehash it now? Brandon has given you the life you deserve to live. What could that Brian possibly have done for you? Who are his parents? They’re nobodies! Does he even know who his father is?” she added snidely. “They’re not members of any worthy organization that I know of. How do I know? Because I would know them, now wouldn’t I? Brandon is the kind of man I intended for you to marry, much like your father. The kind of man who can take you places in this world and give you the finest things in life that you deserve.” She paused for effect and sighed hard. The breath lifted her chest before she blew it out in frustration. “Get yourself together and go home to your husband. You won’t embarrass me with your ridiculous pursuit.” My hands were shaking uncontrollably as she talked at me, like I was some dumb child. “Brandon is who you need. If Brian was any kind of man and wanted to be bothered with you, he would have married you two years ago when he found out that you were carrying his child.”

  “What?! You want me to be like you!” I screamed with tears streaming down my face. “Be like you and marry for money and status because I couldn’t possibly achieve those things for myself? How dare you insult Brian and his parents and call them nobodies! You don’t even know them! You didn’t always have money, status, and nice clothes! In fact, you had absolutely nothing until you sunk your teeth into Daddy because of his pedigree! I guess you’ve gotten so wrapped up in your snooty social organizations that you forgot that you, too, were once a nobody!”

  I didn’t realize I had been hit until the sting from the slap transmitted waves of heat through my cheek. My hand immediately covered the injured area and I tasted blood on the inside of my lip. It took another few moments to register the fact that my mother had slapped the living shit out of me. Before I knew it, my hand connected with the side of my mother’s face in retaliation. Quickly, I withdrew my hand and covered my mouth, instantly regretting the fact that I had actually struck her.

  Sheila stood before me in utter disbelief as tears raced down her reddened cheek. Hurting her this way was not my intention, but she never had any regard for my feelings. Though provoked, I felt my heart swell at the disrespect I had just demonstrated.

  “Oh my goodness, Mother,” I said when I finally found my voice. “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.”

  Sheila simply dropped her hands and glared at me. From the look on her face I thought she was about to hit me again, especially since she was literally within striking distance. I stood strong, ready to receive whatever she had for me. Regardless of what she had said, she was still my mother. I deserved whatever I had coming.

  The quiet yet heavy thud of my father’s footsteps along the beige carpet infiltrated the tension that settled in the short distance between the two of us, but neither of us took our eyes off of the other.

  “What’s going on here?” Daddy’s deep voice echoed through the air, disintegrating in the midst of the thick tension.

  “Nothing, Daddy. I was just leaving,” I said as I turned to go upstairs and get my sleeping child ready for the trip back to Long Island. As I passed my father, I could see the look of bewilderment on his face.

  Tears were still streaming down my mother’s face and I still hadn’t gotten a handle on my own. Red blotches peppered both mine and my mother’s fair-skinned cheeks, alluding to the fact that something very serious was indeed going on, despite the brush-off I tried to give Daddy.

  “Pudding!” Daddy called out, using his pet name for me, but his gaze was fixed on Sheila.

  “I’m sorry, Daddy, but I really have to go,” I said, trying not to break down completely, then raced upstairs to wake Brice, gather our belongings, and get the hell out of there.

  Although I was dreadfully sorry for how I had disrespected my mother in her own house, I was more determined to show her, Lexie, Brian, and any other non-believer that Brian was destined to be mine.

  Chapter 9 Brian

  Days passed before Lexie would speak to me. I still hadn’t gotten the chance to explain to her how Brice had ended up at the house. A part of me didn’t feel obligated to explain simply because he was my son. But when reality speaks loud and clear, one has no choice but to listen. And right now, reality told me that I needed to let Lexie know something if I still wanted her to be my wife. I just didn’t know where to start.

  For days, Lexie would come home and walk around the house as if I didn’t exist. The only time she would open her mouth to speak was to say “the food is in there,” or to make a quick, pointed statement about some matter of importance concerning the wedding or some other unavoidable subject. The only comforting thing was that she still spoke of the wedding as if it was definitely happening.

  It was time to make her talk to me or at least listen to what I had to say. I couldn’t let this issue fester any longer and possibly get out of control. There was much too much at stake. As much as I wanted Lexie as my wife, I wasn’t willing to sacrifice a relationship with my son. Besides the tension in our home, I couldn’t stand looking into Lexie’s eyes and not seeing the fire that normally resided there. Knowing that I was the reason the spark was gone made me crazy.

  Lexie came through the door looking her professional best in an off-white pantsuit, a baby blue button-down shirt, and matching sandals. Her auburn-tinted hair hung loosely against her shoulders, held back from her face by her designer shades. She placed her laptop bag, pocketbook, and keys on the table by the door as she removed her sandals in compliance with her own house rule: No shoes in the house. Once her sandals were off, she grabbed them by the back straps, picked up her bags and keys, and headed for the bedroom, never stopping to acknowledge my presence. I sat and watched her move swiftly through the apartment. This time, I couldn’t help but smile, realizing how ridiculous this game had become. It was time for it to end.

  Approximately fifteen minutes later, Lexie emerged from the room, sporting a light gray tank top and matching lounge bottoms. Again she walked past me and headed for the kitchen, clinking plates and utensils as she prepared something to eat. I decided to play her game right along with her, just to show her how absurd it was. I fixed my eyes on her and watched her every move. After she realized I was studying her, her actions became a little more exaggerated. Annoyance spread across her face until she couldn’t take it anymore.

  “What, Brian?!” she stated, tight-lipped.

  “What, Lexie?!”

  My response made her stop chopping bell peppers long

  enough to sigh and allow her attitude to spread all over her face. I continued staring, concentrating on her every move, scrutinizing her with my eyes.

  “What do you want, Brian?” she asked in that same tightlipped manner. “Why do you keep staring at me?” Then she put the knife down and threw her hands in the air. “I wish you would stop because it’s really annoying.”

  “Oh, really? You’re annoyed?” I asked with mock surprise. “I thought I didn’t exist? How is it that all of a sudden I annoy you?”

  She huffed but didn’t answer. I got up from the couch and swift
ly walked over to her. It was clear that I’d caught her off guard because she jumped when I approached her. I have to admit, I’m not one for playing games for any amount of time. I held her firmly by the arm to let her know that I was serious, then waited for her to stare directly into my eyes before speaking. Knowing Lexie as well as I do, the arm grip was sure to get her attention. Even though she looked at me as if she was about to stab me with the knife she was cutting vegetables with, when she read my expression she realized it was time to listen to what I had to say.

  “For the past four days you have walked around this house ignoring me and acting like I don’t live here. Now I know you are upset, but this is not the way to handle it. You are being childish and I’m not putting up with it anymore. Either you say what you have to say or leave it alone.” I let her arm go and she grabbed it and held it herself. “I won’t be married to you if I can’t have peace in my own house, so just know that this will be the last time we play this game. From now on, if you have something you need to say to me, say it!”

  She narrowed her eyes at me and for a moment I thought she was going to spit in my face. I know for a fact she was surprised because I had never handled her that way before.

  “I’m serious, Shelly!” I said.

  “What did you just call me?” Lexie’s eyes grew wide and I

  could have sworn I saw steam come out of her ears and nostrils. Then it hit me. I had called her Shelly. What could have been worse? I had to fix this and fast. If I didn’t have her attention before, I surely had it now.

  “Did you just call me Shelly? I know you didn’t just call me Shelly.”

  “That’s because you are acting like her. I knew that would

  finally get your attention.” I tried to play it off.

  “Oh! Hell! No! How dare you, Brian? That’s not funny

  and don’t try to play it off like you meant to say it. That rolled off

  of your tongue a little too naturally. So, Brian, tell me. Just how

  much time have you been spending with Shelly that her name

  now just rolls naturally off of your tongue? You want to hear what

  I have to say—I’ll tell you. I don’t want to be caught up in your

  baby mama drama. I’m not trying to put myself out there just to

  get hurt. And I don’t appreciate being lied to.”

  “Lex, I have never lied to you.”

  “Bullshit, Brian! I found your son’s picture way before I

  walked into OUR house and found the two of you sound asleep.

  How long have you been communicating with Shelly without me

  knowing? When did you plan on letting me in on the secret, huh?

  How am I supposed to trust you as my husband when I don’t feel

  like I can trust you now? How do I know that you won’t wake up

  one day and decide that you want your son more than you want

  to be with me?”

  Lexie’s chest began to rise and fall in rapid succession. I

  thought she was about to hyperventilate. Then the tears began to pour from her eyes. She slapped them away as if she was mad they had appeared without her approval. Even though I had asked for her to say what was on her mind, I wasn’t sure how to handle it

  once she let it out.

  “Lexie.”

  “What, Brian?! What do you have to say to me now?” She

  turned her back to me. “Just let me know what you want to do.

  I need to know. I’m not going to sit around and wait to get my

  feelings hurt.”

  I couldn’t believe she was thinking this was about an

  ultimatum—her or the baby. I wanted both. I just needed time to

  find out how to strike a balance. All I could do was rub my head

  to try and clear the thoughts running through it.

  “Lexie, this is not about you or the baby. You are going to

  be my wife and I have a son that I need to be there for. This is all

  new to me and I just need to find a way to make it all work out.” “Well, what if Shelly says that you can’t be a part of your

  son’s life unless you are with her. That’s just the type of woman

  she is, and women like her do it all the time. I can’t compete with

  that, so I may as well cut my losses.”

  “What are you saying, Lexie?” I felt myself losing control of

  my temper.

  “Just tell me what the deal is, Brian.” Lexie spoke in a quiet

  tone.

  “What do you think the deal is, Lexie?” Unconsciously, I

  pressed my hands against both sides of my head. Lexie’s tears

  flowed like torrents.

  “I just don’t want to be left out in the cold. Just let me know

  where I stand. I am not going to beg you to be with me and I’m certainly not going to ask you to choose between me and your son.

  Just let me know so I know what I have to do.”

  I realized that it was up to me to bring clarity to this

  situation for Lexie. Looking in her eyes, I saw that the fire was

  completely gone. Her once bright, sparkling brown eyes were now

  dull and lifeless, as if she were carrying the weight of the world on

  one shoulder. I pulled her into me, hoping to restore what had

  been lost.

  “Lex. I am not asking you to make any type of decision.

  And I’m not making any choice here between you and my son.

  You are going to be my wife. You are the one I want to share my

  life with. Something inside of me knew that the day I met you

  alone in that club. But I do have a child, and I will be a part of

  his life with you there beside me. There is no question about that.

  All I need from you is a little faith and understanding. I’ve never

  been in a situation like this before so I’m not experienced in how

  to handle it and make it work,” I said, gently cupping Lexie’s face

  in my hands. I pushed her tears aside with my thumbs. “Then why the secrecy, Brian?” she sobbed.

  “Lexie, I just didn’t know how to bring it to you. But rest

  assured, you are the one I want to be with. Shelly has no choice

  but to accept that. At the same time, you are going to have to

  accept the fact that I will have to deal with Shelly on some level

  because she is the mother of my son and I’m not giving up on

  him. I lost one child, I won’t lose another.”

  At the mention of the baby we lost together, Lexie dropped

  her head and cried out. I held her close. Close enough to let her

  know without words that I was here to stay. As I held her, my cell

  phone rang. At first I was going to ignore the call but decided to at least see who was calling. Still holding on to Lexie, I pulled the phone from my pocket and the display read Shelly. Despite the circumstances, something told me to answer the call. Shelly’s

  anxious tone clipped my hello.

  “Brian, I need you. BJ’s sick and I need you now. I’m at my

  old apartment. Please come right away, sweetie. Your son needs

  you,” she whined and hung up the phone.

  The deadpan look on Lexie’s face revealed that she had

  heard every word Shelly said.

  Chapter 10 Shelly

  I was happy that Brian was finally on his way over to my place. It took a couple of days to get my old apartment back in order, but boy was I glad I had decided to rent it instead of sell it. I guess I always knew that I would have a need to return to it one day. I had to begin to seriously work my magic to get my life with Brian back.

  I checked on BJ to make sure the allergy medicine I had given him was doing its job. When I peeked into his new room, I saw that he looked terribly drowsy as he sat on the floor attempting to play with hi
s toys. One more warm towel should do the trick, I thought. My timing was perfect. By the time my doorbell rang, BJ was half asleep and the warm towel had made his head feel like he had a fever. I held my tired little boy in my arms and whispered to him, “Don’t worry, honey. After a while, Mommy won’t have to do these types of things.” I quickly scanned the room to make sure I didn’t leave any incriminating evidence around.

  “Coming!” I opened the door for Brian and practically fell into his arms with BJ.

  “What’s happened, Shelly?” Brian asked.

  “It’s BJ. I’ve never seen him like this before,” I said as if I were about to cry. “He’s so lifeless. And he has a high fever.”

  “How high is it? Brian asked,” looking alarmed.

  Like I knew how high his fever was. What was I supposed to do, take the towel’s temperature? He was asking too many questions. All I needed him to do was be really concerned, not interrogate me.

  “I don’t know. I don’t have a thermometer here. I guess I forgot to pack it when I left Long Island.”

  “Give him here,” Brian said, reaching for BJ. “Hey, little man. What’s wrong? You’re not feeling well?” he said while stroking the boy’s large curls. Then Brian placed his cheek against BJ’s temple to gauge his fake fever. “He’s just a little warm now. Maybe the fever’s come down some. I’ll run to the pharmacy and get a thermometer so we can see how high his fever is. And if we have to, we’ll run him over to the emergency room.”

  “Oh, thank you, Brian. He’s never been sick like this before. Here, let me take him,” I said, reaching for BJ. “You really do make a good daddy,” I said seductively and smiled.

  “Thanks,” Brian said nervously before walking out of the door.

  I slowly closed the door behind him and smiled. Finally, I was on my way. I placed BJ on the couch and went to the kitchen to check on the meal I was preparing. My cooking skills had improved tremendously. Between a few classes and practicing meals on Brandon, I had definitely kicked things up a notch or two in the kitchen. I had prepared a little filet mignon, baked potatoes, and asparagus. I hoped Brian liked asparagus. If he didn’t, he should be satisfied with the steak, potatoes, and what I had to offer for dessert.