6. Which description suits you best?
a) Puts others—clients, family, neighbors, coworkers—first
b) Disciplined—sometimes, even when it doesn’t make sense
c) Refuses to be bossed by others
d) Asks necessary questions
7. People get frustrated with me, because if they ask me to do something, I’m less likely to do it (even with a boss or client).
Tend to agree
Neutral
Tend to disagree
8. I do what I think makes the most sense, according to my judgment, even if that means ignoring the rules or other people’s expectations.
Tend to agree
Neutral
Tend to disagree
9. Commitments to others should never be broken, but commitments to myself can be broken.
Tend to agree
Neutral
Tend to disagree
10. Sometimes I won’t do something I want to do, because someone wants me to do it.
Tend to agree
Neutral
Tend to disagree
11. I’ve sometimes described myself as a people-pleaser.
Tend to agree
Neutral
Tend to disagree
12. I don’t mind breaking rules or violating convention—I often enjoy it.
Tend to agree
Neutral
Tend to disagree
13. I question the validity of the Four Tendencies framework.
Tend to agree
Neutral
Tend to disagree
Scoring
1. a=Upholder; b=Questioner; c=Obliger; d=Rebel
2. a=Questioner; b=Obliger; c=Rebel; d=Upholder
3. a=Questioner; b=Rebel; c=Obliger; d=Upholder
4. a=Upholder; b=Questioner; c=Obliger; d=Rebel
5. a=Upholder; b=Questioner; c=Obliger; d=Rebel
6. a=Obliger; b=Upholder; c=Rebel; d=Questioner
7. “Tend to agree” indicates Rebel
8. “Tend to agree” indicates Questioner
9. “Tend to agree” indicates Obliger
10. “Tend to agree” indicates Rebel
11. “Tend to agree” indicates Obliger
12. “Tend to agree” indicates Rebel
13. “Tend to agree” indicates Questioner
UPHOLDER
“Discipline is my freedom”
“I can do the things I want to do, and I can do the things I don’t want to do.”
“Why didn’t you just handle it the way I told you to?”
“Your lack of planning is not my emergency.”
“Do what’s right even when people call you uptight.”
“Just do it.”
3
Understanding the Upholder
“Do what’s right even when people call you uptight”
Strengths (and Weaknesses) • Weaknesses (and Strengths) • Variations Within the Tendency • Why Upholders Have an Instinct for Self-preservation • How Upholders Can Manage Upholder Tightening • Why Upholders Must Articulate Their Inner Expectations
In life, we all confront two kinds of expectations. We face the outer expectations that others impose on us—such as submitting a report on time. We also face the inner expectations that we impose on ourselves—such as going to bed every night by 11.
In the Four Tendencies framework, Upholders are those people who readily respond to outer and inner expectations alike. They meet the work deadline, and they keep the New Year’s resolution, without much fuss.
For the most part, they want to do what others expect of them—and their expectations for themselves are just as important.
Because of their readiness to meet outer and inner expectations, Upholders also tend to love schedules and routines—they’re the people who wake up and think, “What’s on my schedule and to-do list for today?” They like to know what’s expected of them, and they don’t like making mistakes or letting people down—including themselves.
More than the other three Tendencies, Upholders find it fairly easy to decide to act and then to follow through; they also more easily form habits.
I have a special insight into the Upholder Tendency, because this is my Tendency—which is probably why Upholder is discussed first in this framework.
In the past, I’d always assumed that most people were like me; yet at the same time I was surprised and irritated when people didn’t act or think like me. So many things became clearer when I realized that a) the Four Tendencies exist, b) I’m an Upholder, and c) not many people are Upholders. It’s a rare and extreme sort of personality. (By the way, no one but me was surprised to learn that I have a rare and extreme personality.)
Learning that I’m an Upholder answered a question that had long puzzled me. In my books The Happiness Project and Happier at Home, I write about the many resolutions and habits I followed to make myself happier, healthier, and more productive. After the books were published, I was struck by how many people asked me, “But how did you get yourself to do all those things? To write your blog posts every day, to fight right with your husband, to go to the gym?” And I’d say, “Well, I figured that these things would make me happier, so I just…did them.” “But how?” they’d repeat. I couldn’t understand why people seemed so hung up on this question.
Now I understand. For an Upholder like me, it’s not hard to decide to act and then to follow through. For many people, it’s not as simple.
Strengths (and Weaknesses)
I can say from personal experience—and of course I’m biased—that there are many terrific aspects of Upholderness. Other people can rely on Upholders, and Upholders can rely on themselves.
Upholders readily meet outer expectations. They’re self-directed and have little trouble hitting deadlines, keeping appointments, meeting commitments, or managing tasks—and they don’t depend on supervision, oversight, reminders, or penalties to stay on track.
Upholders are often very intrigued by rules. For example, even if I’m just passing through, if I see a list of regulations—posted by a swimming pool or in an office kitchen—I can’t resist reading and following them. We Upholders usually don’t mind wearing a uniform, following a precise recipe, or obeying instructions.
Just as Upholders readily meet outer expectations, they meet inner expectations. If Upholders decide to do something, they do it—even when other people don’t care, and sometimes, even when other people are inconvenienced.
As a result, as an Upholder, I know that I can count on myself. I can count on myself more than I can count on any other person in my life.
Almost always, if I make a commitment, I can stick to it, even without outside help. Back when I was on a legal career track, I had to take the bar exam. To prepare, I ordered a collection of BARBRI review cassette tapes and spent hours listening, taking notes, and studying—in my own kitchen. My friends opted to attend BARBRI classes to help them stick to the study schedule, but I could do it on my own.
Because of their desire to meet outer and inner expectations, Upholders are independent and reliable, and they have a high degree of self-mastery. If they tell you that they’re going to do something, they do it.
In fact, because Upholders readily meet expectations, non-Upholders sometimes try to piggyback on Upholders’ self-accountability. One Upholder wrote:
I wondered why, whenever I started a diet, exercise regimen, or hobby, I’d attract people who wanted to join me. I realized they wanted me to provide them with support: “Call me when you’re going for a bike ride, and I’ll meet you at the park.” Now I understand that they were trying to coast on my willpower because they needed the commitment with me to get themselves going.
In my own experience, while it’s sometimes satisfying to help other people meet their expectations, more often I wish they wouldn’t rely on me to keep pushing things forward.
For Upholders, meeting outer and inner expectations doesn’t make them feel trapped; it make
s them feel creative and free, because they can execute any plan they want. If I decide—as I did—that I wanted to write a short book over the summer or that I wanted to quit sugar, I know I’ll follow through, even if no one else cares. That certainty about myself gives me a deep sense of freedom, control, and possibility.
However, I don’t want to give the impression that Upholders never struggle to meet expectations. We do. I have to fight to maintain some of my good habits like going to the gym, making phone calls, or running errands. I procrastinate, I slip up. But for the most part, it’s easier for Upholders to meet expectations than it is for the other Tendencies.
Upholders readily meet outer and inner rules, and they also often search for the rules beyond the rules—as in ethics or morals. For instance, one of the most famous Upholders is certainly Hermione Granger from J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series. Hermione never falls behind on her homework, constantly reminds Harry and Ron about the regulations of the magical world, and becomes anxious when anyone steps out of line. Nevertheless, when she believes that conventional expectations are unjust, she crusades against them—she sees the rules beyond the rules—even in the face of others’ indifference or outright disapproval. She campaigns to improve the poor treatment of house-elves, and she quits school and opposes the Ministry of Magic to fight the evil Voldemort. She eagerly meets society’s rules and laws until they conflict with her own inner sense of justice—at which point she rejects them.
(I love the Harry Potter books, in part because I love seeing an Upholder uphold in such an admirable way. I wonder if that’s true for everyone—are we all particularly drawn to depictions of our own Tendency?)
Because Upholders easily meet both outer and inner expectations, they rarely suffer from resentment or burnout, and they don’t depend on others to motivate or supervise them. While their discipline may make them appear rigid to others, Upholders themselves feel free, effective, and independent.
Weaknesses (and Strengths)
As with all the Tendencies, the Upholders’ strengths can become weaknesses.
The Upholder can become the fearless campaigner for justice, or the hanging judge who blindly enforces the law, or the tattletale schoolchild who reports every minor infraction by the other kids, or the boss who rejects the report because it’s submitted an hour late.
Because of their affinity for meeting expectations, Upholders may feel compelled to observe rules even when it’s more sensible to ignore them. Although I have no problem using a unisex bathroom, I can’t make myself use a restroom marked MEN, even if it’s a single-occupant room. An Upholder friend told me, “On my way to the hospital to give birth, I told my husband not to speed, and I insisted that he park in the correct lot, even though I wound up giving birth less than twenty minutes after we pulled in.”
Upholders sometimes become impatient—or even disdainful—when people reject expectations, can’t impose expectations on themselves, or question expectations. An Obliger reader wrote, “I told a coworker that I can’t take vitamins because it’s hard to stick to it without external accountability. She said ‘Grow up.’ ” Yep, sounds like an Upholder. Not a very nice Upholder, but an Upholder.
As an Upholder, I want others not merely to meet expectations but to want to meet them. I like to cross items off a to-do list, meet self-imposed deadlines, and follow instructions, and for a long time it perplexed me when others didn’t feel the same way. Now I realize that I’m being even more demanding because of my desire not to be demanding.
Upholders can become disapproving and uneasy when others misbehave, even in minor ways. I get tense if someone starts whispering to me during a meeting. At the same time, my Upholderness can bring out my rude side. I don’t mean to be brusque or pushy, but I’m so worried about being late, or not following instructions correctly, that I may lose my courtesy.
Upholders may find it difficult to delegate because they doubt others’ ability to follow through. “I’m married to an Upholder,” one reader wrote. “On Sundays, she writes out index cards for each day of the week and does an amazing job of checking off her lists. She takes care of our kids, grandkids, parents, her sister, etc. One of her common refrains is: ‘Why can’t anybody in this family get their own sh$% done?’ ”
Nevertheless—perhaps surprisingly—Upholders often resist holding others accountable, even when people ask for accountability. Because Upholders don’t need much outer accountability themselves, they’re not sympathetic when others do. Also, because Upholders feel the pressure of outer accountability themselves, they don’t like to place that burden on others. I know that I’m reluctant—sometimes to a fault—to prod people, including my own children, to act. I should remind my daughters to make their beds, to use better table manners, to read more—but I can’t face the prospect of reminding them, checking on them, and then reminding them again.
Upholders may feel uneasy about changes to routines, habits, or schedules. Recently, my husband, Jamie, and I were in Boston for a wedding, and the invitation instructed: “The bus will leave the hotel for the church at 6:00 p.m.” At breakfast, the bride’s mother told us, “Actually, the bus will leave at 5:45.”
“But the card said 6:00,” I said.
“Yes, but now it’s leaving at 5:45. Traffic.”
As Jamie and I walked away, I said to him, “How can they change it? The card says 6:00!” (As a Questioner, Jamie wasn’t as disturbed by this change as I was.)
To others, the ways of the Upholder can seem extreme. I know an Upholder who carries index cards in a special wallet: green for today’s to-do list; pink for this week’s to-do list; yellow for work-related items not captured on the green and pink cards; and white for personal items. “When people see this system, they think I’m a bit psycho,” he admitted. (Maybe an inclination to use index cards is a clue that someone’s an Upholder.)
To others, the Upholder commitment to inner and outer expectations can sometimes seem cold and inflexible. One reader wrote:
I’ve found many Upholders to be rigid in following their own expectations, even when it would make sense to accommodate others, if they don’t have time to adjust to new circumstances. For example, an Upholder says, “We’ve planned to drive our own car and leave at X time, and no, we can’t adapt that plan to pick up another person.” I have many friends who are working moms, and the Obligers are always the ones who are flexible and creative in helping each other juggle schedules and kids, while the Upholders often give off the vibe of “We’ve planned everything in advance and can’t modify to help anyone else at this point.” They’re reliable and predictable, but in many situations, it’s a plus to be more adaptable.
Very true. We Upholders find it tough to change plans at the last minute—especially when we’re thinking, “Why didn’t you figure out this car-pooling problem yesterday?”
I love being an Upholder, but I see its dark side, too. I’m very good at getting myself to do things that I don’t want to do—sometimes, too good. I can spend time and energy on something just because I think I “should,” without questioning enough.
But I still do love being an Upholder.
Variations Within the Tendency
As with all the Tendencies, Upholders come in a wide variety. People’s personalities differ in many ways—an Upholder might be very ambitious, intelligent, anxious, sociable, volatile, loving, or creative, mixed in with his or her Upholder qualities.
Moreover, each Tendency interlocks with two other Tendencies, and a person of a particular Tendency often “tips” in the direction of one of the overlapping Tendencies. In the case of Upholders, the Upholder overlaps with the Questioner (both meet inner expectations) and the Obliger (both meet outer expectations).
UPHOLDER/Questioners find it easier to question external expectations and are therefore better able to consider rejecting them: “My boss says I have to go on that trip, but is it really necessary?” They also more easily question the value of an inner expectation. I remembe
r a conversation I had with myself about an inner expectation: “I’ve been meditating every morning for months, and it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. Should I quit the habit?” I was able to say, “Yes, it’s time to quit.” (Note, however, that as an Upholder, I had already stuck with it for several months.)
Upholders-tipped-to-Questioners are more willing to reject the prevailing expectations of society. And if a conflict arises between outer and inner expectations, UPHOLDER/Questioners give greater weight to inner expectations—as Questioners do. “Tomorrow, we’re all giving our presentations, and my coworker wants me to give him a critique, but I need time to work on my own presentation, so I’ll tell him I can’t do it.”
On the other side, UPHOLDER/Obligers tip toward responding to outer expectations. For UPHOLDER/Obligers, the burden of outer expectations feels heavier, and if there’s a conflict, outer expectations may more easily trump inner expectations. Such UPHOLDER/Obligers may struggle to set limits, and at the extreme end, they may even show UPHOLDER/Obliger-rebellion. For the most part, they easily meet inner and outer goals, but every once in a while they “snap”—failing to give themselves a needed break, which most Upholders can do, and then explosively refusing to meet an expectation.
At a party, I had a long discussion with a novelist friend about whether she was an Upholder or an Obliger. We couldn’t figure out the answer that night, so she emailed me the next morning:
I’ll eat things I don’t want to eat, and suffer through events that are torture for me, and not contradict people who are borderline offensive. But I’m also very disciplined about my writing and my exercise and my reading, and get a lot accomplished as long as my pursuits don’t get in anyone’s way. I manage this by carving out large chunks of solitary time where I’m off the grid and unaccountable. I know myself and have built myself a strong protective mechanism: a lot of childcare and an office space away from home.
The Four Tendencies Page 3