Some of these Tendency pairs tend to work together more harmoniously than others, and a lot depends on the situation. But when conflicts arise within a pair, whether at home or at work, there’s one rule that can eliminate a lot of conflict: Whenever possible, we should allow others to do things in the way that works for them.
This sounds obvious, but in many cases, our Tendency—as well as human nature—makes us want to dictate to other people, when we’re better off letting them do things their own way.
For instance, as an Upholder, I always want to follow the rules and to get tasks done immediately; as a Questioner, Jamie always wants to do what seems most efficient. The solution? I handle my tasks in my way, he handles his tasks in his way, and neither of us interferes in the other’s business.
We may think we know the “best” way, or the way others “should” work, but whether at home or at work, as long as the tasks are getting done, we should let other people suit themselves. We get along best with others when we recognize and respect that they might approach the world in a different way.
12
Speaking Effectively to Each Tendency
Whether we’re at work, at home, or out in the world, we’re all constantly trying to persuade or influence people to do what we want them to do (even if what we want them to do is to leave us alone). When we consider our own Tendency, we can create circumstances and messages that will work best for us, and when we consider other people’s Tendencies, we can create circumstances and messages that will work best for them.
It’s all too easy to assume that what persuades us will persuade others—which isn’t true. One of my Secrets of Adulthood is that we’re more like other people than we suppose and less like other people than we suppose. And it’s very hard to keep that in mind.
In a nutshell, to influence someone to follow a certain course, it’s helpful to remember:
• Upholders want to know what should be done
• Questioners want justifications
• Obligers need accountability
• Rebels want freedom to do something their own way
Similarly, we’re more likely to be persuasive when we invoke the values that have special appeal for a particular Tendency:
• Upholders value self-command and performance
• Questioners value justification and purpose
• Obligers value teamwork and duty
• Rebels value freedom and self-identity
Because the Tendencies see the world in such different ways, there are no magic, one-size-fits-all solutions for how to influence ourselves or other people. I exercise regularly because it’s on my to-do list; a Questioner rattles off the health benefits; an Obliger takes a weekly bike ride because he’s found an exercise partner; and a Rebel runs when it suits her, whenever she feels like being outside.
My Questioner father told me how he quit smoking: “Your mother and I were still struggling with money, and I’d calculate how much money I’d save by not buying cigarettes—and then if I invested that money, how much I’d make.” He crunched the numbers and focused on the benefits of quitting. By contrast, an Obliger friend quit smoking by thinking about his obligation to his baby son: “Now that I have a child, I can’t take stupid health risks. And I want to be a good role model.” A Rebel tells herself, “I refuse to be a slave to nicotine addiction.”
Understanding the Four Tendencies helps us to identify how we might help others, by playing the role they need. For instance, for people with diabetes, it’s important to take medication consistently, eat right, exercise, and see the doctor. My sister Elizabeth has type 1 diabetes, and she told me, “My diabetes doctor told me that some people stop going to him because they say he’s ‘too nice.’ ”
“ ‘Too nice,’ meaning what?” I asked.
“Not tough enough with them, if they don’t do all the things they’re supposed to do.”
“I bet those are Obligers who need more accountability!” I said. “For you, having regular appointments with your doctor is enough to hold you accountable, but some Obligers need more consequences. They’ll switch doctors to get more accountability.” With the Four Tendencies in mind, her doctor could adapt his relationships with patients to give them the type of accountability they need to succeed.
Some people in health care have already started using the Four Tendencies.
I’m a textbook Upholder. I work as a clinical dietitian at the Mayo Clinic, in the outpatient (clinic) setting. I’ve been confused by why some patients struggle to make changes to their eating habits. Most know that their disease management and health would improve if they changed their eating habits, yet many don’t make changes. Understanding the Four Tendencies has revolutionized my thinking and has drastically improved the quality of care I am able to provide to my patients.
Similarly, a physiologist reported:
I work in cardiac rehabilitation, and a big part of my job is encouraging healthy behavior change. I can now clearly put people into different Tendencies.
Upholder: “This is something that should be done. I’ve got it.”
Questioner: “Why should I be doing this? Give me the evidence, I want reasons.”
Obliger: “Let me show you how well I can do this.”
Rebel: “Don’t tell me what to eat or how to exercise.”
With more frustration, one reader wrote: “I like my therapist, but I’ve told her about needing external accountability, and she just doesn’t seem to buy it. She’s convinced I need to ‘motivate myself’ and ‘do things for myself.’ Of course, that’s not working, just as it never has in my entire life. I just want to do whatever will work.”
I’ve heard this so many times, and I have to say, I don’t understand why people seem to view it as a problem—or, worse, as shameful—to need outer accountability to follow through. My own feeling is—whatever works for you, fine! Just figure it out.
People often want to change a habit—one of their own or someone else’s. And one of the worst, most common mistakes when we’re trying to help someone change a habit? Invoking the dreaded “You should be able to…”
• “If good health is important to you, you should be able to exercise on your own.”
• “If you take this job seriously, you should be able to stick to this schedule I’ve drawn up.”
• “If you want to make a sale, you should be able to bend the rules.”
• “If you respect me, you should be able to do what I tell you to do, with no talking back.”
• “If you respect yourself, you should be able to make time for your writing.”
But it doesn’t matter what we think a person (or ourselves) “should be able to” do—what matters is only what works for each individual. To help people change their habits or behavior, we should help get them what they need to succeed, whether that’s more clarity, more information, more outer accountability, or more choices.
A reader wrote, “I’m an Obliger and my husband is a Questioner. Only when I told him about your framework did he understand why I want him to ask me if I’ve eaten healthy that day (for accountability). Before that, he thought it was a really weird request, because if I wanted to eat healthy, why didn’t I just make up my mind to do so?”
When we understand the Four Tendencies, we can set up situations to work better for everyone. Say a manager runs a mixed-Tendency team. At the meeting where he announces that the company is adopting a new processing system, he could give the presentation, then say, “If you feel that you’ve heard enough about the new system and why we’re switching, feel free to get back to your desk. If you’d like to learn more, please stay, and I’ll answer all your questions.” This way, he saves the time of anyone who doesn’t need further explanation (mainly Obligers and Upholders), and gives others (probably mostly Questioners) the information they need to embrace the change. Rebels will go whenever they feel like going.
To reach every student in class, a professor could explai
n the purpose of all class requirements: “Over the years, students have found that writing article summaries helps them to assimilate information, plus the summaries are invaluable when you’re studying for exams.” Over the semester, the professor could require monthly check-in emails so that students update her on their writing progress. She might offer three possible assignments from which to choose instead of just one. By taking the Four Tendencies into account, she helps her students succeed.
Some mistakes are common. When trying to persuade someone, Upholders and Questioners often emphasize the importance of getting clarity on inner expectations. “You need to decide what you want,” “You need to get clear on your intentions,” “Figure out your priorities, what’s right for you”—great advice, for other Upholders or Questioners. Obligers often make arguments like “This will inconvenience someone else,” “You have to do this, it’s part of your job,” “It’s not right to expect someone else to do that”—great arguments, for other Obligers.
A teacher wrote:
I think all strong teachers use the Tendencies, even if they don’t realize it. Here’s an example: My students are four and five and still nap at school. Most still need naps but don’t want to settle down. Here’s how I handle it:
Upholders: “We’ve had a busy day. You were running a lot, and we have a game we’re going to play when we wake up. I want you to be rested for that.”
Questioners: “Why do you think I ask you to take a nap each day? Why are naps important?” They answer with ideas. I say, “Right! So do you agree that you should try to rest?” (They say yes, because it makes sense to them.)
Obligers: “I’d be so proud if you took a good nap like yesterday. I know you can, and your body will feel so good when you wake up.”
Rebels: “You don’t have to nap, but will you please stay quiet on your cot for a few minutes? If you’re not tired after that, you can read a book.” (They like knowing that sleeping is their decision and invariably end up napping.)
Reflecting on the Four Tendencies often makes it clear why we’re not getting along with someone else. We often madden one another with our Tendencies. For instance, an Upholder might keep admonishing a team, “If you just make up your mind to do it, you’ll do it!”; a Questioner might keep emailing productivity studies to an Obliger coworker; an Obliger might sign up a Rebel for a weekly exercise class; a Rebel might urge an Upholder to stop being so uptight. This miscommunication, while well intentioned, leads to frustration.
In some situations, Four Tendencies–based miscommunication can become downright dangerous. If a police officer says, “Step out of the car,” the Questioner or Rebel may argue: “Why should I?” “What gives you the right to ask me to do that?” “I wasn’t doing anything, this is an arbitrary stop.” “You can’t order me around.” The more the officer gives orders, the more he or she will arouse a spirit of resistance. From there, a situation may escalate.
I love spotting signage that succeeds or fails to engage the Four Tendencies. We can invite cooperation from all the Tendencies or trigger resistance, depending on how we frame a message.
To craft a sign that works well for all Four Tendencies, we should provide information, consequences, and choice. This is the sequence that works for Rebels, of course, plus Questioners cooperate better when they have information and justification, and Obligers, when they know consequences. Upholders tend to follow a rule.
I couldn’t resist taking a photo when I visited a company and saw this overwrought sign posted in a stall in the women’s bathroom. It does not do a good job of reaching all Four Tendencies.
This sign was written by an Obliger, for Obligers—note the Obliger-aimed “Keep the place nice for others, if not for yourself.” To convince a Rebel, the opposite would be more effective: “Keep the place nice for yourself, if not for others.” Plus all those pushy “dos” and “don’ts” might push a Rebel—or, possibly, a Questioner or even an Upholder like me—to resist.
It’s surprisingly easy for a sign to trigger resistance. A Rebel wrote, “When I see those ‘Thank you for not smoking’ or whatever, it makes me want to smoke, even though I don’t smoke! I hate the implication that because they’ve ordered me to do it, I’ll do it.”
On the other hand, when I took my seat in the writing room of my beloved New York Society Library, I noticed a clever posting that needed very few words to appeal to all Four Tendencies:
It appeals to Upholders: Here are the rules, follow them. It appeals to Questioners: The reason for the rule “No food or drink” is that food and drink attract bugs, and bugs damage books. It appeals to Obligers: The librarians know that people have been breaking the rules, because we have ants, so stop! And it appeals to Rebels: The people using the writing room are bookish types who value the library, so they’d choose to act in a way that protects the collection and respects the request of librarians—plus, who wants to work someplace that’s crawling with ants?
The sign from a bathroom in the Willard Hotel in Washington, D.C., does a good job of appealing to Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Note the final line—in a large font—aimed directly at Rebels.
The Ritz-Carlton hotel on Amelia Island, Florida, clearly had trouble with guests who left the sliding doors open. I can imagine some people thinking, “What do I care if there’s heavy condensation? That’s a long-term problem for the hotel. But no air-conditioning and flying insects? That’s a problem right now for me.”
This sign does a good job of connecting with all Four Tendencies: information, consequences, choice. Plus an appeal to identity never hurts.
For an important message to be effective, it needs to resonate with every Tendency. When Hurricane Sandy was due to hit New York City, Mayor Michael Bloomberg ordered people in vulnerable neighborhoods to evacuate, but many refused to go—something that I, as an Upholder, found astonishing.
How might a mayor word an evacuation notice in order to persuade people of all Four Tendencies?
Upholders would evacuate if the expectation is established, so the notice should state clearly that people are expected to leave. Upholders wouldn’t take much convincing.
Questioners would evacuate if they were convinced that this action made sense, so the notice should give ample justification for when, where, and with what strength the hurricane would hit, what the risks were, why actual evacuation was necessary, why each particular neighborhood was at risk, why a well-built or elevated home was nevertheless at risk. The notice should also explain what experts—meteorologists, engineers, architects—had been consulted. Be wary of comparing this storm to a previous storm, because if a person didn’t have trouble during that storm, he or she might conclude that this storm will be no more dangerous.
Obligers would evacuate if there’s external accountability, so the notice should emphasize that failure to evacuate would put family members as well as first responders at risk, that city workers would know whether residents have evacuated, that penalties would be imposed on those refusing to leave. It should remind people of their obligation to keep family members and neighbors safe, and to act as role models of good citizenship. It should emphasize that the best way to care for others (including pets) was to find a way to evacuate.
Rebels hate to be told what to do, but they’d be more willing to evacuate if staying put would limit their freedom and comfort. The notice should emphasize that people who stayed behind would be trapped in place, perhaps for days, and that conditions in their homes would be dangerous at worst, unpleasant at best—with a likely loss of electricity, running water, elevators, and public transportation. And no Chinese takeout.
Also: The mayor should also inform people that their names will be noted; no matter what our Tendency, we may behave differently if we’re acting anonymously.
Because of my quest to discover Four Tendencies signage, I always glance into the office kitchen when I visit a company; the signs on various fridges and sinks make a wonderful study in how we can be mo
re—or less—persuasive. On the Better app, I sparked a spirited Tendencies debate with the question, “Dirty dishes in the office kitchen sink: what’s the best signage?”
One Obliger proposed this sign:
Thank you for taking care of your own dishes. Place them in the dishwasher. If the dishwasher is full, empty it and reload it. If the dishwasher is running, put rinsed dishes in the sink and come back later to take care of them. Your mother isn’t here to clean up after you.
Wow, I thought, there are so many reasons why that sign won’t work.
Some good ideas didn’t involve signs at all. For instance, give everyone a personalized mug; the impulse to take care of “my mug” is stronger—plus it’s not possible to shirk anonymously.
But for signage, our group conclusion was that the winning formula is indeed information-consequences-choice, or perhaps no sign at all—and best of all, humor. A humorous sign can make a point in a way that’s informative, memorable, and doesn’t ignite the spirit of resistance; the right cartoon from Dilbert or The New Yorker can work better than a paragraph of directions. I remember a sign I saw at a swimming pool: “We don’t swim in your toilet. Please don’t pee in our pool.” For the office kitchen, a Rebel suggested this sign: “If the kitchen stays clean, we’ll take down the signs telling people to keep the kitchen clean.”
The Four Tendencies Page 19