by Eoin Colfer
“Watch it,” snapped Butler, drawing breath once more and shooting the ninjas the evil eye. “I need a minute of family time.”
Something flickered in the corner of Butler’s vision, moving with blurred, jittery speed. His left hand automatically shot out to grab the jade ring that was braided into his sister’s blond ponytail.
“Wow,” said Juliet. “No one’s ever done that before.”
“Really?” said Butler, dropping the jade ring. “No one?”
Juliet’s eyes widened behind her mask. “No one except . . . Brother, is that you?”
Before Butler could reply, Juliet sidestepped and pole-axed with her forearm a ninja who may have been sneaking up on them, or may in fact have been trying to escape from what had become the ring of real pain as opposed to the ring of convincingly faked agony.
“Didn’t you guys hear this man? We need family time!” The ninjas shrank back against the rope, whimpering.
Even Samsonetta seemed a little concerned.
“Brother, I’m in the middle of a grudge match. What are you doing here?” asked Juliet.
It might have taken many people a few more minutes before they realized something was amiss, but not Butler. Years of protecting Artemis Fowl had taught him to catch the penny before it dropped.
“Obviously you didn’t send for me. We need to leave so I can figure things out.”
Juliet’s bottom lip hung sulkily, transporting Butler ten years into the past, when he’d forbidden her to shave her head.
“I can’t just go. I’ve got fans expecting me to do cartwheels and give you the signature move.”
It was true. The Jade Princess’s camp was bouncing on their benches, baying for Crazy Bear’s blood.
“If I just leave, there could be a riot.”
Butler glanced up at the giant screen suspended from the ceiling and saw a close-up of his own head looking up at the screen, which was enough to give anyone a headache.
A voice boomed from four old-fashioned conical speakers wired to the corners of the overhead screen.
“Who is this guy, folks? Is it Crazy Bear come to take down his old enemy, the Jade Princess?”
Juliet stuck out her chin. “Max. Always looking for the angle.”
“Juliet, we don’t have time for this.”
“Whoever it is,” continued Max, “we’re not just going to let him walk out of here with our princess, are we, amigos?”
Judging by the loud and sustained reaction, the paying customers did not take to the idea of Crazy Bear simply walking out with the princess. The language was florid, and Butler could have sworn that the walls were shaking slightly.
Butler took three quick steps to the side of the ring and wagged his finger at a little man holding a microphone.
He was surprised when the little man jumped up on the table, stamped on his own hat, then shouted into the mike.
“You’re threatening me, Crazy Bear? After all I’ve done for you? When those forest rangers found you living with the grizzlies, who took you in? Max Schetlin, that’s who. And this is how you repay me?”
Butler tuned out the rant. “Okay, Juliet. We need to get out of here now. We do not have time for this.
Someone wanted me out of the way. Possibly someone who has a grudge against Artemis.”
“You need to be an awful lot more specific than that, brother. Artemis has more enemies than you, and you have quite a few at the moment.”
It was true. The crowd was turning ugly—a lot of it was fake ugly, but Butler’s keen eye spotted scores of wrestling fans in the front rows who looked ready to storm the ring.
I need to make a statement, he thought. Show these people who’s boss.
“Outside the ring, Jules. Right now.”
Juliet did what she was told without complaint. Butler had that look on his face. The last time she had seen that look, her brother had punched his way through the hull of a Somali pirate’s stolen yacht, sinking the vessel in the Gulf of Aden.
“Don’t hurt Samsonetta,” she ordered. “We’re friends.”
Butler shook his head in disapproval. “Friends? I knew you two were faking.”
Samsonetta and the ninjas were busy throwing shapes in the far corner of the ring. They stamped, punched, and threatened without actually attacking.
When Juliet was safely outside the ropes, Butler turned to his own corner and threw his shoulder into the pad covering the post. The impact rattled the post in its housing.
“Crazy Bear really is crazy,” crowed Max. “He’s beating up the ring. Are you going to stand for that, ninjas? This man is defiling the very symbol of our sporting heritage.”
Apparently the Ninja Squad was prepared to accept a little defiling of their symbol if it meant not being attacked by the man mountain who had taken their pyramid apart with no more effort than a child knocking down a house of cards.
Butler hit the post again, this time smashing it right out of its socket. He hefted the metal pole, stepped underneath the ropes, and began to twist the ring in on itself.
This move was so unprecedented that it was several seconds before anyone could appreciate what they were seeing. In years to come the maneuver would become known as the wringer and would elevate the real Crazy Bear, who was passed out drunk in the back alley, to the status of luchador superstar.
Even Max Schetlin’s tirade dried up as his brain tried to process what was actually going on.
Butler took advantage of the stunned stillness to quickly spin the corner post half a dozen times, popping another two supports from their housings.
This is not as difficult as it looks, mused Butler, catching sight of himself on the giant screen. This entire ring is little more than an inverted tent. A well-fed teenager could pull it down.
He gathered the three posts in his arms, twirling them deftly, drawing the ring tighter and tighter.
A couple of the ninjas had enough presence of mind to skip out while they could, but most stood slack-jawed, and a couple who believed themselves to be dreaming sat down and closed their eyes.
Butler nodded at Samsonetta. “Out you go, miss.”
Samsonetta actually curtsied, which was totally out of character, and ducked under the rope, along with one ninja who was sharp enough to recognize a reprieve when he saw one. The rest of the crew was pressed closer together as Butler wound the rope tight. Every twist brought groans from the coils of old rope and from the people trapped inside. The crowd was beginning to realize what was happening, and they began to cheer with every twist. Several were gleefully calling for Butler to squeeze the air from the ninjas’ lungs, but the bodyguard was content merely to crush them together like passengers on the London Tube at rush hour. And once they were powerless to move, he shuffled them to the side of the ring and planted the pole back in its housing.
“I’m going now,” he said. “And I advise you all to stay put until I am out of the country, at the very least, because if you don’t, I will be very unhappy.”
Butler did not have the magical power of the mesmer, but his voice was extremely persuasive nevertheless.
“Okay, Bear, take it easy,” said the only ninja sporting a white head scarf, possibly the leader. “You’re straying way off script. Max is going to go nuts.”
“You let me worry about Max,” Butler advised. “You worry about me worrying about you.”
The ninja’s frown was obvious through the folds of his scarf. “What? Who should I worry about?”
Butler ground his teeth. Dialoguing was not as easy as the movies would have a person believe.
“Just don’t move until I’m gone. Got it?”
“Yep. You should have said that.”
“I know.”
From a bodyguard’s perspective, there were so many things wrong with this situation that Butler almost despaired. He turned to his sister.
“Enough of this. I have to go somewhere and think. Somewhere with no Lycra.”
“Okay, Dom. Follow me.”
Butler stepped down from the platform. “If you could stop bandying my name about. It’s supposed to be a secret.”
“Not from me. I’m your sister.”
“That may be. But there are thousands of people here, and half as many cameras.”
“It’s not as if I said the whole name. It’s not as if I said Dom-o—”
“Don’t!” warned Butler. “I mean it.”
The stage door was a mere twenty yards away, and the familiar rhythms of family bickering warmed Butler’s heart.
I think we’re going to make it, he thought in a rare moment of optimism.
Which was when the picture on the big screen was replaced by a giant pair of glowing red eyes. And although red eyes are usually associated with nasty things like vampires, chlorine burn, and conjunctivitis, these particular red eyes seemed friendly and infinitely trustworthy. In fact, anyone who gazed into the fluid swirling depths of these eyes felt that all their problems were about to be solved, if they just did what the owner of those eyes told them to do.
Butler inadvertently caught sight of the eyes in his peripheral vision but quickly tucked his head low.
Fairy magic, he realized. This entire crowd is about to be mesmerized.
“Look into my eyes,” said a voice from every speaker in the room. The voice even managed to invade the cameras and phones of the audience.
“Wow,” said Juliet in a monotone that did not suit the word. “I really need to look into those eyes.”
Juliet might have been reluctant to do what the silky voice commanded if she’d had any memory of her dealings with the Fairy People. Unfortunately, those memories had been wiped from her mind.
“Block the exits,” urged the voice. “Block all the exits. Use your bodies.”
Juliet whipped off her mask, which was impeding her view of the screen. “Brother, we need to block the exits with our bodies.”
Butler wondered how things could get much worse as hundreds of enraptured wrestling fans surged down the aisles to physically block the entrances and exits.
Block the exits with your bodies? This fairy is pretty specific.
Butler had no doubt that another command was forthcoming, and he doubted it would be Now join hands and sing sea shanties. No, he was certain that nothing benign would issue from that screen.
“Now kill the bear and the princess,” said the layered voice, a few of the layers taking a moment to catch up, lending a sibilant sssss to princess. Kill the bear and the princess. Charming.
Butler noticed a glint of dark intent in his sister’s eyes as she realized that he was the bear. What would she do, he wondered, when she tumbled to the fact that she was the princess?
It doesn’t matter, he realized. We could both be dead long before that happens.
“Kill the bear and the princess,” droned Juliet in perfect unison with the mesmerized crowd.
“And take your time about it,” continued the magical voice, now infused with a merry note. “Drag it out a little. As you humans say: no pain no gain.”
A comedian, thought Butler. It’s not Opal Koboi, then.
“Gotta kill you, brother,” said Juliet. “I’m sorry. Truly.”
Not likely, thought Butler. On a good day, if he was drugged and blindfolded, maybe Juliet could have inflicted a little damage, but in his experience the mesmer made people slow and stupid. A large part of their brains were switched off, and the parts left awake were not going to be winning any Nobel prizes.
Juliet tried a spinning kick but ended up twirling off balance and into Butler’s arms. Annoyingly, her jade ring spun around and clattered him on the ear. Even mesmerized, my sister is irritating.
Butler hefted Juliet easily, then tensed his muscles for flight.
“Kill you,” muttered his sister. “Sorry. Gotta.” Then: “Fairies? You kidding me?”
Was she remembering the Fowl Manor siege? Butler wondered. Had the mesmer accidentally triggered recall?
He could investigate later, if there were a later for them. Butler had considerable faith in his own ability, but he doubted that he could take on a theater full of zombies, even if they weren’t fleet of foot.
“Go to work, my human lackeys,” said the voice that went along with the red eyes. “Dig deep into the darkest recesses of your brains, such as they are. Leave no evidence for the authorities.”
Leave no evidence? What are they supposed to do with the evidence?
That question really didn’t bear thinking about.
Bear? Ha-ha-ha, thought Butler, and then: Jokes? I have time for jokes? Is it possible that I am frazzled? Pull it together, man. You’ve been through worse.
Although, looking at the dozens of stiff-limbed instapsychos lumbering down from the upper levels, Butler could not for the life of him remember when.
A pudgy forty-something man sporting an Undertaker T-shirt and a beer hat pointed at Butler from the aisle.
“Beaaaar!” he yowled. “Beaaaaar and princess!”
Butler borrowed a word from the fairy lexicon.
“D’Arvit,” he said.
CHAPTER 3
ORION RISING
Vatnajökull, Iceland; Now
Artemis was jumping between psychoses.
“Not real!” he shouted at the descending ship. “You are nothing but a delusion, my friend.”
And from there he hopped straight over into paranoia. “You planned this,” he shouted at Holly. “Who were your partners? Foaly without doubt. Butler? Did you turn my faithful bodyguard against me? Did you burgle his mind and plant your own truths in there?”
From the rooftop, the directional mike in Holly’s helmet picked up no more than every second word, but it was enough to tell her that Artemis was not the clinical logistician he used to be.
If the old Artemis could see the new Artemis, the old Artemis would die of embarrassment.
Like Butler, Holly was having a hard time controlling her rebellious sense of humor in this dire hour.
“Get down!” she called. “The ship is real!”
“That’s what you want me to think. That ship is nothing more than a cog in your conspiracy. . . .” Artemis paused. If the ship was a cog in the conspiracy, and the conspiracy was real, then the ship must be real. “Five!” he blurted suddenly, having forgotten all about it for a minute. “Five ten fifteen.”
He pointed all of his fingers at the ship, wiggling them furiously.
A ten-finger salute. Surely that will vaporize this vision.
And it seemed as though the fingers were having an effect. The four discus-shaped engines, which had been trailing behind the main body like helpless puppies tethered to their spooked master, suddenly flipped and began emitting anti-grav pulses that lolloped toward the ground in fat bubbles, slowing the ship’s descent faster than seemed possible for a craft of such inelegant dimensions.
“Hah!” crowed Artemis. “I control my own reality. Did you see that?”
Holly knew that, far from controlling anything, Artemis was actually witnessing a fairy probe’s landing sequence. She had never actually piloted a deep-space probe herself, but nevertheless knew that standing underneath such a behemoth while it was dropping anti-grav bubbles was more than enough to get a person killed, and wiggling fingers like a sideshow magician was not going to change that.
I have to get up, she thought.
But the injury in her legs held her down like a lead blanket.
I think my pelvis is broken, she realized. Maybe an ankle too.
Holly’s magic had an unusual potency, thanks to a couple of boosts from her friend the demon No1 (who was turning out to be the most magical warlock the university had ever enrolled). The magic was setting to work on her injuries, but not fast enough. Artemis had a couple of seconds before one of those anti-grav blobs tore him apart or the ship itself actually landed on his head. And you didn’t have to be a genius to figure out what would happen then, which was just as well, as Artemis didn’t seem to be a genius a
nymore.
“Assistance,” she called weakly into her com set. “Someone. Anyone?”
There was no one. Anyone who had been inside the shuttle was beyond magic, and Foaly was still upended in the snowdrift.
Even if there were somebody, it’s too late.
Large crack patterns bloomed in the ice like hammer blows as the anti-grav pulses impacted on the surface. The cracks spread across the glacier with a noise like snapping branches, dropping large sinkholes through to the subterranean caverns below.
The ship was as big as a grain silo and seemed to be fighting against the pull of its tethered engines, throwing off waves of steam and jets of fluid. Rocket fuel drenched Artemis, making it difficult to ignore the fact that the rocket was real. But if there was one thing Artemis had not lost it was his stubbornness, and so he stood his ground, refusing to yield to his final squeak of good sense.
“Who cares?” he muttered.
Holly somehow heard the last two words and thought,
I care. Desperate situations call for desperate solutions.
Nothing to lose, thought Holly, flapping at the holster on her thigh.
She swept her pistol from its home in a slightly more erratic arc than usual. The gun was synced with her visor, but even so, Holly did not have time to check the settings. She simply held down the command sensor with her thumb, then spoke clearly into the microphone at the side of her mouth.
“Gun.” [Pause for beep.] “Non lethal. Wide-bore concussive.”
“Sorry, Artemis,” she muttered, then fired a good three-second blast at her human friend.
Artemis was ankle deep in slush and in full-rant mode when Holly pulled the trigger.
The beam hit him like a slap from a giant electric eel.
His body was lifted and tossed through the air a moment before the probe clattered to a bone-crushing landing, obliterating the spot where he had been standing.
Artemis dropped into a crater like a sack of kindling and disappeared from Holly’s sightline. That’s not good, thought Holly, then saw her own magical sparks hover before her eyes like inquisitive amber-tailed fireflies.