That was a mistake. Gillen glowered with utter contempt. “I do not need some lovesick puppy lecturing me on what is or is not okay to say in front of my own Danu-damned patients, Grey. And speaking of which, who the hell let you out of your cage?”
“His episode is over, Gillen,” Briallen said.
He grunted. “Until next time. How did this reaction occur?”
I moved away from the bed. “There was an intense essence surge. The black mass reacted before I could stop it.”
Gillen hummed as he scanned Meryl. “That must have been some surge. I’ve hit her with high enough bursts of essence to kill a troll. What caused it?”
I ignored his question. The fewer people who knew about the stone ward, the better. “Is she going to be okay now?”
He slid his hands into his lab coat. “These trance states can last anywhere from hours to years. Without knowing how the Taint caused it, I have no means to proceed without dropping everything else, and I can’t do that.”
“So, what? You’re giving up on her?” I asked.
He glared. “She’s alive, Grey. That’s more than I can say the future holds for a lot of my patients. I’ll keep working on the problem, but I can’t do it exclusively.”
I stood shocked in the silence that followed. “You’re giving up.”
His eyes flickered with yellow light, and a sharp gust in the air slapped me hard on the side of the head. “Don’t you dare, Grey. I don’t need a patient in a bed in order to treat them. When you start saving lives instead of screwing them up, then you can criticize my methods.”
Briallen spoke in a quiet voice. “I’ll take her back to my house.”
Gillen stared me down like an angry parent until I looked away. “She is one of yours, Briallen,” he said.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
Briallen placed the palm of her hand on Meryl’s cheek. “We’re part of the same Circle, Connor. I understand her in ways no one else does. I may be able to wake her.”
Following the druidic path meant being part of the Grove, men and women joining together to understand their place on the Wheel of the World. The masculine and feminine aspects of that journey had their own peculiarities. Briallen was one of the most powerful druidesses in the world. I wanted to believe she could help Meryl, but she hadn’t been able to figure out what was wrong with me. I didn’t want to doubt her, but I didn’t know whether to have hope.
“What do you want me to do?” I asked.
Gillen headed for the door. “Leave. I have enough headaches.”
Briallen and I stared at the empty doorway. “He’s in a better mood than usual,” I said.
She chuckled. “It’s a mess here. The riots caused so many essence-related injuries, they’ve opened an annex.”
Seeing Meryl so still, so quiet, tore at me. “Whatever you need to do, Briallen, do it. I want her back.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
“I saw what happened during the riots, Connor. I saw video footage of a dark cloud that left hundreds of people drained of essence almost to the point of death. What the footage doesn’t show is who was at the center of that darkness,” she said.
“It wasn’t my fault,” I said.
She laughed. “Oh, now it’s not your fault? After taking the blame for things that weren’t your fault, suddenly it’s not your fault when it obviously is?”
The black mass pulsed as anger surged through me. “I couldn’t control it.”
“Bullshit. I watched that black mass move with purpose—with direction. The victims weren’t the solitaries and the Dead of the Weird. They were Guild and Consortium agents and National Guardsmen. Those are the people you blame for everything that’s wrong. Don’t tell me you didn’t have control. I don’t know how or why you stopped, but don’t try to bullshit me that you didn’t almost kill those people. Those were your victims, Connor.”
I hadn’t told Briallen everything. I hadn’t told her that I had talked to the leanansidhe, not after the thing had called me “brother.” The thought that we were related, even conceptually, terrified me. “It’s complicated.”
“It always is,” she said.
“Remember the leanansidhe I found? Her abilities have something to do with the black mass in my head. I asked her for help.”
With cool anger, Briallen glanced down at Meryl. “Did she know about this?”
I looked away. “No. I went alone.”
She grabbed my chin and turned my face toward her. “Did you do this to her, Connor?”
I pulled back. “No! How could you say that?”
She set her chin. “How could you not tell me about the leanansidhe?”
Exasperated, I rubbed at my face. “You’re right. I should have told you. I was—I don’t know—embarrassed. The leanansidhe showed me that when the black mass gets out, the pain goes away a little. She thought she was controlling it, but that’s only half-true. I don’t want to believe it has a mind of its own, but it has a compulsion that’s hard to resist. It makes me want essence, too.”
“Is it out of control?” she asked.
I shook my head. “I use my body essence to hold it in check.”
Unimpressed, a corner of her mouth curled down. “Yes, I’m sure the two drained agents will appreciate that.”
“I was out when they arrived. I think the darkness is afraid of draining me. If I die, it loses its host. Those agents would have died otherwise.”
“You’re guessing. We need to test it somehow,” she said.
“I haven’t hurt anyone, and I don’t want you to be the first,” I said.
“Let me worry about that. I’ll call you when Meryl is settled in, and we’ll arrange something,” she said.
I hung my head. “I need to find Shay. Are you going to stop me?”
For a moment, I thought she might. “Go, then. If you have any more episodes, I want to know about them. I mean it,” she said.
“Okay.”
She stopped me at the door, wrapping her arms around me. “I’m worried.”
I smoothed her hair. “I know. And thank you. Sometimes I forget to ask for help when I should.”
She squeezed tighter, then released me. “Be careful.”
“I will.”
As I rode the elevator down, I called Shay on my cell, and he answered immediately. “Where are you?”
“I had a problem. Where are you?” I asked.
“I . . . Where you first met me,” he said.
Shay had enough paranoia to worry someone might be listening in. “I’m on my way.”
17
Déjà vu teased at me as I walked down Pittsburgh Street. Less than a year had passed since I first went down the alley behind the warehouses, yet so much had happened. The graffiti-covered buildings hadn’t changed, nor the forlorn atmosphere of a place that had seen better times. The boarded-up windows and doors that faced the alley made the buildings look like they had construction barriers. Construction was the last thing happening.
The door to the squat wasn’t hard to find despite the way it blended with the others. I checked for observers before tugging on some pine boards, a false barrier to disguise the entrance, a poor man’s glamour in a way, no different in intent than an essence barrier. They pulled way from the building, bringing the door with them.
Inside the trash-filled hall, I sensed Shay’s body signature and the pure essence of the stone bowl. He hadn’t been followed, at least not into the building. The door at the end of the hall opened, exposing Shay in silhouette. “For gods’ sakes, Shay, I told you someone might be after you.”
He stepped back as I entered the room. “Uno’s here. You know he doesn’t let anything happen to me.”
The big dog sprawled on the bare mattress of one of the two beds. He pricked an ear as I came in, then settled down with his head between his paws. “You shouldn’t take that for granted. You shouldn’t take anything for granted.”
“Like thinking it’s safe to let you in my apartment?” Shay never let an opportunity pass for a little sarcasm.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
He placed a languid hand on his hip. “Other than being scared half to death and having a perfectly good canvas ruined, I’m fine.”
I spotted the stone bowl on the floor near the wall. As I crouched over it, the black mass in my head danced in reaction to the emanations rising from it. “Do you think it’s safe to leave this here?”
“Probably, assuming, of course, a gang of virgins doesn’t break in,” he said.
Shay had lived in the room with his boyfriend, Robyn. They had been safe, watching out for each other, living under the radar until I came along. Except for the furniture and a ripped maroon velvet curtain that covered some shelving, Shay had stripped the place of personal belongings when he moved into his studio. “Has anyone been in here since you left?”
Shay sat on the bed and ruffled his fingers through Uno’s fur. “It’s exactly how I left it. We never told anyone we lived here. Murdock knew about it because he followed Robyn home one night to see what he was up to.”
“Good. Tell no one about it or the stone. As far as the world is concerned, you never had anything to do with this,” I said.
He pouted in amusement. “Until you need it moved again.”
“Let’s cross that bridge if we come to it.”
Shay played with Uno’s hair. “You and I both know it’s ‘when’ and not ‘if.’ What happened, Connor? That black stuff that came out of you was like that night in the leanansidhe’s cave.”
I sat on the opposite bed. “That’s one of the things I’m trying to figure out. I have some clues now. The leanansidhe was able to do something similar, and the Guildmaster is affected by it, too.”
His eyes went wide. “Is that why he’s been sick all this time?”
Manus ap Eagan’s illness wasn’t a secret, but Shay’s knowledge of things fey often surprised me. “I shouldn’t have said that, but, yeah, it looks like it.”
Uno rolled on his back as Shay scratched him. “I hope you figure out.” He buried his face playfully in Uno’s fur. “And I hope it’s not the reason this guy follows you around.”
I pressed my lips tighter, conscious of trying to keep a secret. I didn’t think it was fair to Shay that Robyn made me promise not to tell he had sent the dog. The two of them had left some things unresolved when Robyn died. I told Robyn he should resolve them. He said he would consider it, and I made the promise to keep silent. “I’m sorry you got dragged into all this, Shay.”
He smiled up at me. “There’s nothing sexier than a goodlooking man apologizing.”
I tweaked his nose. “You are incorrigible. Let’s get out of here.”
Shay shut off the light, and we left the darkened room, at least, darkened as far as visible light. The essence was building again in the stone bowl, its unique properties amplifying the surrounding essence and gathering in its shallow depression. Out in the hall, Shay showed me a hidden chink in the door to check the alley before leaving. Uno followed us out to Congress Street, then melted into the air. Though I liked the dog, I breathed easier when he wasn’t around.
“Take care of yourself, Shay,” I said.
He tucked his chin down. “I always do. Call me sometime.”
Amused, I shook my head as he walked away. The kid had flirted with me from day one. It was innocent fun for him, and I didn’t mind. I needed more fun.
I waited until he was well down the street before returning up the alley and letting myself back into the squat. I didn’t turn the light on, but bathed in the glow of the stone bowl. The dark mass in my head stretched, a sinuous finger of shadow pushing at the front of my skull. I gasped as it pierced my right eye. Blood rushed to the surface of my skin, igniting the nerve endings in delicious pain. A dark spike oozed from my eye and slipped into the bowl. Yearning hunger overwhelmed me as the darkness sucked at the essence. I sank to my knees and hunched over the stone, letting myself drift off in an ecstasy I couldn’t explain and didn’t want to.
18
I leaned against my building the next morning, a fine rain drizzling against my face as I waited for Murdock. He wanted me to help with an interview that might produce a lead on the dwarf murders. I almost said no because I wanted to sleep in, but his comment about being Eorla’s errand boy still burned in my ears. Besides, the way the blue essence had behaved in the Tangle the other night intrigued me. It could be coincidence that it showed up when it did, or it could be related to the murders. If our investigations were riding parallel for a while, it made sense to work together.
When he arrived, I moved a box of paperback novels to the back and hopped in the passenger seat. Murdock handed me a coffee as he turned down Old Northern Avenue and made for the highway.
“You look pretty good for a guy having convulsions yesterday,” he said.
“I feel good. Great, actually. Must be some kind of posttrauma endorphin thing.” I smiled, then turned to look out the window. Between what had happened at Shay’s apartment and spending time in the squat with the stone ward, the dark mass in my head had gone quiet and sluggish. I didn’t remember the last time I had felt so good.
“Really?” Murdock asked.
His dubious tone made me paranoid. An edge of guilt crept over me. I didn’t like feeling good about how I felt good. Siphoning essence at that level—even if it was from a stone—had a creep factor to it that I didn’t want to admit. “I guess.”
“You were convulsing when I found you, Connor,” he said.
“I know. You said that,” I said.
Murdock glanced at me with a frown. “And that doesn’t bother you?”
I wanted to slap myself. By trying so hard to appear nonchalant about what had happened, I hadn’t listened to what Murdock actually said, which drew exactly the kind of attention I was trying to avoid. “Thanks for calling in the cavalry.”
“I had to. I couldn’t get near you or Meryl. What happened to Shay?” he said.
“You know Shay. He knows how survive,” I said.
The rain began to fall harder as we took the on-ramp to the highway. “Wow,” he said.
I glanced over. “What?” I asked.
He let out a long breath in an aggravated sigh. “Is this how it’s going to be? Because if it is, you can find someone else to cover your ass when you need it. I’m getting tired of your keeping shit from me. If you think I’m going to have a problem with something you said or did, then maybe you should start thinking about what you said or did and not about my reaction.”
Stunned, I stared through the windshield. The highway traffic coasted by in a mist of kicked-up water. Cabs and tractor-trailers wheeled by, people on business in nondescript sedans, SUVs driven by people with cell phones to their ears. Everyone going somewhere, doing things, having an agenda. Here I was, in a car with someone who had saved my life, acting like a dumb-ass junkie hiding a habit.
“I am so screwed up, Murdock, I don’t even know where to begin,” I said.
“Try honesty,” he snapped.
Murdock was living proof that someone could have sympathy without pity. He wasn’t going to let me off the hook. “The stone ward provoked the dark mass. Shay ran off with it and hid it in the old squat he had with Robyn. That’s where I was last night, sucking up essence like it was ambrosia and manna and alcohol all rolled into one. The stone’s dead cold now, and the entire time I’ve been sitting here, I’ve been wondering in the back of my mind how long it will take it to recharge itself so I can go back and do it again.”
“What else?” he asked.
If I weren’t so humiliated, I would have been angry. I didn’t let people talk to me like he was. I didn’t respect most people enough to let them, but Murdock had earned it. And he was right to do it. “I should have told you,” I said.
“You need help, Connor,” he said.
“No one can help me, Leo. Everyone�
�s tried,” I said. Saying it out loud hurt. No one could help. No one knew what was wrong. It was getting worse, and I had the feeling that I was on the road to someone’s bashing me in the head in a dark hole in the ground to stop me from killing someone.
“You’re wrong,” he said. “The leanansidhe helped. She showed you something you didn’t know. If she knew something, someone else does.”
“How am I supposed to find them?” I asked.
“Imagine it’s me asking you that, then answer your own question. You’re the fey expert. Start thinking fey,” he said.
The windshield wipers beat back and forth, a steady rhythm counting the seconds in the silence. “Thinking fey” had a nice ring to it. The dark mass thrived on essence, so it was logical that it was part of the fey world, and the fey world was a lot bigger than Gillen Yor or Briallen. They were smart, knowledgeable people, but they couldn’t know everything. No one could. No one ever made a connection to me and the leanansidhe, but Druse recognized what was happening to me right away. It was time to start thinking outside the box because if I didn’t, I might end up in a box.
“Thanks, Leo,” I said.
“No problem,” he said.
I settled in the seat and sipped my coffee. For all my anger at the number of friends that disappeared when I lost my abilities, I wouldn’t trade them for the ones I made after. Murdock might not pull any punches in the criticism department, but I deserved every one he’d thrown at me. “So, who’s this guy you want to interview?”
“Thekk Veinseeker, the owner of the stone supplier that burned down,” he said.
“You’re working an arson case? Just how shorthanded is the department?” I asked.
“It’s about the dwarf murders. I found a connection that’s a little more than curious. Veinseeker has a brother named Nar. Nar Veinseeker popped up in a couple of old cases as an associate of both of the dead dwarves down at the morgue,” he said.
“And you couldn’t find Nar,” I said.
“Right. Last-known address was a building that went down during the riot. No one’s seen him since.”
“He could have died in the fires,” I said.
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