And with politics dominating the news, my byline - Colin Crampton, crime correspondent - wasn't going to appear on the front page much before polling day in just over three weeks' time.
Not that I'd have much time for proper journalism. Not with the special assignment my news editor Frank Figgis had handed me. But I wasn't going to trouble Shirley about that.
Not just yet.
Shirl wiped a dribble of blood from her chin with a napkin. She cut a slice off Ecuador and stuffed it into her mouth. She pointed at my own plate and said: "What's that? It looks like bits of a dead rat."
I said: "It's jugged hare."
"I'd rather eat a juicy steak than a mouthful of hair."
"It's not hair with an A I R. It's hare with an A R E," I said. "You must have heard the story about the creature that got beaten by the tortoise."
"Guess the bludger should have spent less time snoozing by the road. Then he wouldn't have ended up in the pot with all those vegetables."
I reached for the bottle of Burgundy we'd ordered and refilled our glasses.
Shirley hoisted her glass and had a generous slurp.
"Still, this is ace tucker. I'll hand you that," she said.
I cut some of the hare's tender stewed flesh from a leg bone.
"It should be," I said. "This place is owned by a bloke who used to be head waiter at the Ritz hotel in London before the war. Made a name for himself by cooking crêpe Suzette at the table for Winston Churchill."
Shirl made a long cut in her steak somewhere near the Atacama Desert.
"I bet the old boy's never eaten here, though," she said.
"Not likely to now. He's retiring from Parliament at this election. But he may have eaten near here when he was a kid."
"How come?" Shirley asked.
"He was at a school in Hove for two years. Sent there by his mum and dad after they'd discovered he'd been savagely beaten by a sadistic headmaster at his previous school. Never happened to him here, though. The Hove school was run by two maiden ladies - they were sisters. I think someone told me their name was Thompson. According to the stories, Winston loved it here. I suppose anywhere would seem good after your bum had been whipped until the blood ran down your thighs. Anyway, he later went on to Harrow, the posh public school, so I guess the Misses Thompson must have done him some good."
"Guess so," Shirley said.
"Anyway, speaking of blood, I don't remember seeing that blob before." I pointed at Shirley's steak. A little red lake had formed in the Amazonian rain forest.
Shirl brushed it to one side with her knife. "Probably released from inside as the meat cools," she said.
Plop.
A fresh drop of blood landed in the Argentinian Pampas.
"But that wasn't," I said.
"Jeez," Shirley said. "I've never seen that before."
We looked at each other for a couple of seconds. Together, our necks swivelled back. Our gaze travelled up to the ceiling.
A round crimson patch, like a carnation in bloom, flowered on the plaster. Our eyes widened and our jaws dropped. We watched blood ooze through the ceiling. It formed into the shape of a teardrop. For a moment it swayed gently from side to side. Then it detached itself, slowly as though reluctant to leave its resting place.
It fell like a solitary raindrop. A scarlet raindrop.
Plop.
It landed on the tablecloth and splattered like a gunshot wound.
"Antoine's not going to be thrilled by the laundry bill," Shirl said.
I switched my attention back to her. "It may be a laundry bill down here, but what's the damage upstairs?"
Shirley dropped her knife and her hand flew to her mouth. "I must be as dumb as a box of rocks. What's up there?"
"It's an apartment over the restaurant. Nothing to do with Antoine. I don't know who lives there."
"And I guess he hasn't just dropped a raw steak on the floor. Not for that amount of blood."
"No. I'm going up there to find out what's happened."
I pushed my chair back from the table and stood up.
I looked at Shirley. Her eyes had glazed with concern.
"What a way to end the day," she said. "It couldn't be worse."
"Not worse?" I said. "I'm not so sure. Not after what happened earlier today at the Chronicle."
To continue reading The Tango School Mystery go to: http://getbook.at/tango-school-mystery
Read more Crampton of the Chronicle stories at https://www.colincrampton.com
Author’s note and acknowledgements
I’d been thinking for some years about introducing Brighton’s comic hero Max Miller into one of my Crampton of the Chronicle books. And this, as you will now know, is the one! Some of what you’ve read about Max in this book is true and some is fiction. If you want to sort out the one from the other, I can strongly recommend John M East’s biography, Max Miller – The Cheeky Chappie (Robson Books). I read it from cover to cover and was enthralled.
On one point I can be clear. Max would never have tolerated an agent like the fictional Daniel Bernstein. From 1929 until his death in 1963, Max had an excellent agent in the person of Julius Darewski. He played an important role in guiding Max’s successful career. During his life, Max had a reputation for being a bit of a tightwad and there were rumours he had money in safety deposit boxes. But he could also be generous. It is true that Max lent his house Woodland Grange to St Dunstan’s during the Second World War.
If this book means you’ve been bitten by the Max Miller bug, the Max Miller Appreciation Society has a wealth of information and memorabilia on its website at www.maxmiller.org.
Sadly, the idea that St Dunstan’s received a big donation from a cereal magnate is a piece of fiction. But the outstanding work that St Dunstan’s does lives on at the Brighton Centre of Blind Veterans UK. If you wish to leave a donation to fund the work of this excellent organisation visit www.blindveterans.org.uk.
I’ve mentioned before that a Crampton of the Chronicle adventure couldn’t appear without help from many people. Barney Skinner has designed the cover and typeset and formatted the book for both the e-book and paperback editions. Barney is also the designer behind the Crampton of the Chronicle website. Members of the Crampton Advanced Readers’ Team read the manuscript and made many helpful suggestions and corrections. The members of the team who helped are (in alphabetical order) Nancy Ashby, Jaquie Fallon, Andrew Grand, Jenny Jones, Doc Kelly, Amanda Perrott and Christopher Roden. Thanks to you all! Needless to say, any errors that remain are mine and mine alone.
Finally, a big thankyou to you, the reader, for reading this book. If you’ve enjoyed it, please recommend it your friends! In these days of internet sales, online book reviews are very important for authors. So if you have a few minutes to leave one on Amazon and/or Goodreads, I would be very grateful. Thank you.
Peter Bartram May 2019
About the author
Peter Bartram brings years of experience as a journalist to his Crampton of the Chronicle crime mystery series. His novels are fast-paced and humorous - the action is matched by the laughs. The books feature a host of colourful characters as befits stories set in Brighton, one of Britain's most trend-setting towns.
Peter began his career as a reporter on a local weekly newspaper before working as an editor in London and finally becoming freelance. He has done most things in journalism from door-stepping for quotes to writing serious editorials. He’s pursued stories in locations as diverse as 700-feet down a coal mine and Buckingham Palace. Peter wrote 21 non-fiction books, including five ghost-written, before turning to crime – and penning the Crampton of the Chronicle series. There are now 11 books in the series.
Follow Peter Bartram on Facebook at: www.facebook.com/peterbartramauthor
Follow Peter Bartram on Twitter at: @PeterFBartram
More great books from Peter Bartram…
HEADLINE MURDER
When the owner of a miniature golf course goes missing, ace c
rime reporter Colin Crampton uncovers the dark secrets of a 22-year-old murder.
STOP PRESS MURDER
The murder of a night watchman and the theft of a saucy film of a nude woman bathing set Colin off on a madcap investigation with a stunning surprise ending.
FRONT PAGE MURDER
Archie Flowerdew is sentenced to hang for killing rival artist Percy Despart. Archie's niece Tammy believes he's innocent and convinces Colin to take up the case. Trouble is, the more Colin investigates, the more it looks like Archie is guilty.
THE TANGO SCHOOL MYSTERY
Colin Crampton and girlfriend Shirley Goldsmith are tucking into their meal when Shirley discovers more blood on her rare steak than she'd expected. The pair are drawn into investigating a sinister conspiracy which seems to centre on a tango school.
THE MOTHER’S DAY MYSTERY
There are just four days to Mother’s Day and crime reporter Colin Crampton is under pressure to find a front-page story to fit the theme. Then Colin and his feisty girlfriend Shirley Goldsmith stumble across a body late at night on a lonely country road…
THE MORNING, NOON & NIGHT TRILOGY
Three books in one
The adventure starts in Murder in the Morning Edition… when crime reporter Colin Crampton and feisty girlfriend Shirley Goldsmith witness an audacious train robbery
The mystery deepens in Murder in the Afternoon Extra… as the body count climbs and Colin finds himself hunted by a ruthless killer.
The climax explodes in Murder in the Night Final… when Colin and Shirley uncover the stunning secret behind the robbery and the murders.
Read all three books in The Morning, Noon & Night Omnibus Edition or listen to them on the audiobooks available from Audible, Amazon and iTunes.
The Comedy Club Mystery Page 24