But that wasn’t going to happen.
Part of her had wanted to pull her coat over her shoulders and try for the impossible. To sleep. It would make no difference if she was in the chair at Fleur’s bedside or in a bed. She knew sleep was about as likely as her winning the lottery that night. But neither her mother nor Jac were going to let her get away with staying where she was. So she’d shrugged into her coat and followed Jac out to the car. The sun that had shone earlier had long since given way to the weather norm: drizzle.
The door beside her opened and Jac held out a hand. Sasha hadn’t even realised they’d stopped driving. “Sorry,” she said, taking Jac’s hand and climbing out of the car. “Miles away.”
“I’d be surprised if you weren’t right now, babe.” She wrapped her arm about Sasha’s shoulders, and Sasha snaked hers about Jac’s waist, snuggling into her warmth.
This all would be so much harder without Jac. As new as their relationship still was, Sasha knew it to be true. She couldn’t explain it. Frankly, she was too damn tired and heart-weary at that moment to even try. She just knew that Jac’s presence brought her a sense of peace she hadn’t expected to find when she’d been on her hands and knees throwing up at the hospital. In those few minutes, her whole world had turned upside down, but Jac had scooped her hair back from her face, pulled a tissue from somewhere, and held it out to her. Bought her a toothbrush and toothpaste from the hospital shop and a packet of chewing gum. She didn’t say a word. There was nothing she could have said, and they both knew it. Instead, she simply did everything she could.
“Sophie said she was cooking a stew earlier. Said she’d bring around some for us to pop in the microwave to heat it up. Fancy it?”
Sasha shook her head.
“You have to eat, Sash. You won’t be any good to her if you make yourself ill not eating.”
“I know. Doesn’t mean I fancy the stew, though.”
“Then what do you fancy?”
“Truthfully?”
“Always.”
“Bacon butty.”
“Well, it just so happens we have some of that bacon left from breakfast yesterday. So that is a wish I can accommodate.” She kissed the side of Sasha’s head. “How about you go jump in a bath while I rustle us up some bacon butties, and then we can stare blindly at some shit TV until you’re ready to go to sleep?”
“Are you saying I stink?”
“Stink is a strong word, babe.”
“Smell, then?”
“Well, you did spend a good portion of the afternoon chucking up. And I know a bath always makes me feel better when I feel like crap, so… Forget it. It was a stupid—”
“It’s a perfect idea. Sorry, I think I need to switch into a different frame of mind or something. I feel like I’m still back there with Mum, having to tell stupid jokes and take the piss all the time.”
Jac led them into the lift and punched the button before pulling Sasha into her arms. “You don’t have to apologise. This has been one fuckfest of a day, and we’re both reeling. All I want is to help you feel a bit better. If taking the piss will help you do that, then you go right ahead. If the bath helps, I’ll fill kettles with water if need be. If you want oysters, or hot dogs, or pizza, I’ll go to the shops. If you need a little time alone, it’s yours. Whatever you need. All you have to do is let me know.”
“What if I want to punch something?”
“I’ll buy you a gym membership.”
“Scream?”
“Go right ahead.” She stuck her fingers in her ears.
Sasha chuckled sadly and wrapped her arms even tighter around Jac’s waist. “Are you always like this in a crisis?”
“Like what?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Brilliant? Accommodating? Understanding?” She looked up and whispered, “Perfect?”
“Only for you.” The kiss Jac placed on her lips was soft and chaste, and it made Sasha want to burrow inside it. To hide there in Jac’s arms and block out everything else. She buried her face in Jac’s shoulder and followed when Jac opened the door to the apartment.
“Why don’t you go start that bath? Bacon butties might take me a while.” Jac frowned in the direction of the kitchen.
“Want me to cook? You can go run the bath. I’ll get in after we eat.”
“No, no. I’m spoiling you tonight.” Jac waved her off. “It’s only a bacon butty. How hard can it be?”
Sasha sniggered and walked away. “Okay, let me know if you change your mind.”
“Do I wrap it in foil before I put it in the microwave?” Jac asked over her shoulder.
“No!” Sasha spun around, hands held out before her like a shield. “God, don’t put foil in—you’re such a shit, Jac Kensington.” She slapped Jac’s belly when she saw her chuckling and then walked out of the room, shaking her head. “Remember not to play with any of the knives. You might cut yourself,” she called through the apartment as she entered the bathroom.
“Funny. How will I butter the bread, then, genius?”
“Use a spoon.” She turned on the water, poured in some of the bubble bath on the side, and left the tub to fill. She could have the sandwiches done and eaten by the time the bath was run.
“Sarcasm doesn’t become you.”
“Wasn’t being sarcastic. Trick of the trade, darlin’. Caterers always use a spoon rather than a knife to butter bread. It covers a wider surface area so you get each slice done faster. When half a second counts because you’re buttering half a dozen loaves at a time, it all adds up.” She bumped Jac out of the way and grabbed the frying pan from the cupboard beside the stove.
“Hm. Okay, I’ll believe you.”
“Pass me the bacon out of the fridge. I’ll cook it; you can butter the bread.”
“What about me spoiling you? What about your bath?”
“The bath is running, and I think I’d rather share all of this evening with you. Is that okay?”
“Whatever you want.” Jack kissed her again softly, then turned back to buttering the bread. “This spoon trick really works.”
“Told you.” Sasha put the bacon in the pan and rummaged through the cutlery drawer for a pair of tongs.
Bread buttered, Jac turned around. “I’ll just go check the bath’s not overflowing. Won’t be a minute.”
“Okay, the bacon’s nearly done, so don’t be long.”
The sandwiches were made up and cut in half to make triangles—just like Fleur had always made them—and sat on the chopping board on the island counter when Jac came back. Sasha was pouring two glasses of wine and sat on the stool beside Jac. They ate and drank in silence, lost in thought. When they’d finished, Sasha took Jac’s hand and tugged her into the bathroom with her, where she slowly divested her of her clothes and covered her skin with delicate kisses—kisses not meant to ignite passion but just to connect, to feel.
“I should do the dishes,” Jac said.
“They can wait.” She pulled her jumper over her head and tossed it on the floor before removing her jeans. “Please stay with me.” She pointed to the bath. Jac merely nodded, removed her underwear, climbed into the tub, and spread her legs wide to make space for Sasha between them.
Sasha finished undressing and stepped in. The hot water swirled around her legs, easing the aching in her muscles that she hadn’t even realised she was feeling. The scent of lavender and jasmine hung in the air, and candles Jac must have lit earlier flickered and sputtered around the bathroom.
With the door closed, the steam rising, and the light so gentle, it was easy to forget for a few minutes that the world outside was still turning. That time was still counting down, and that the darkest of days was coming. As she settled back against Jac’s chest, stroking her hands down Jac’s knees, calves, and thighs, she could forget. When Jac reached for the scrubby, loaded it up with liquid soap,
and started to rub it across Sasha’s chest, belly, and arms, Sasha sighed. A feeling of peace displaced the ball of grief that had settled in her gut. When Jac lifted her hands out of the water and spent countless minutes cleaning each digit, rubbing the scrubby over her palms, the backs of her hands, then down her wrists, Sasha’s heart began to thaw, the ice that had settled in her chest warming, melting under Jac’s loving attention.
She turned her head and kissed the underside of Jac’s jaw. “Thank you,” she whispered hoarsely. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Sasha.” Jac sloshed water across her torso with long, slow sweeps of her hands, and after a while, Jac whispered in her ear, “You okay?”
“Not even a little bit,” Sasha answered truthfully. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Jac. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel right now.”
“I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way, babe. Today has been a huge shock for you. That takes time to process.”
“But I don’t have time. You heard what the nurse said. A week. Two at most. That doesn’t give me any time.”
“I know. But you need to give yourself time to do what you need to, to think what you need to, or you’ll drive yourself nuts.”
“You don’t think I should be just thinking about Mum and—and what she’s going through?”
“You have been. You’ve been doing that all day. You’ve done everything she asked you to do in that room. You told bad jokes, berated her for hers, held your tears and your fears in check. And I am so damn proud of you.” Jac wrapped her arms around Sasha and pulled her tight against her body. “But Fleur isn’t the only one going through this. You are too. We are too. And we need to be able to do what’s right for us outside of your mum’s room. If that’s sitting in a bath together while we wash each other, then so be it. If there’s something else you need, well, I’m here. Just tell me, and I will do everything I can to make it happen.”
Sasha turned her head to look at her, her eyes itching with tears. “Right now, I feel like I want to forget.”
“I’m not sure there’s anything wrong with that either, babe.” Jac smoothed her hair back. “Not for a little while, at least.” She turned Sasha around so she could see her eyes clearly. Sasha was grateful Jac seemed happy to talk about how Sasha felt. It made her feel even more connected to her. More understood than she had ever felt possible. In fact, Jac was helping her understand herself more.
“Everyone deals with shock and grief differently, and when it’s as extreme as this is, I’m guessing your feelings and emotions can change in a flash. Don’t fight that. Don’t try and force yourself to feel or think or do what you think other people expect you to. Just do what you need to, Sash. Just be you.”
Sasha nodded and allowed herself to enjoy Jac’s hands on her as she continued to stroke her hair gently.
“Thank you.” Sasha smiled at her. She truly appreciated Jac’s words, her understanding, but she needed to lighten the mood again. She couldn’t deal with heavy discussions any more. Not tonight. “So if I told you I wanted to make mad passionate love all night, you wouldn’t think I was some sort of crazed nymphomaniac, then?”
“Well, maybe.” Jac smirked. “But it might just be a genetic thing, this nymphomania. I mean, have you seen Mike Hunt recently? Poor bloke looks worn out to me.” She deliberately dropped the H and let the words roll together.
Sasha laughed and splashed water at her. “That’s it. After putting mental images like that in my mind, you’ve just scuppered your chances.”
“I’m crushed,” Jac deadpanned, and pulled Sasha back into her arms, laying back against the tub. She continued to trail her fingers over Sasha’s body, lacing their fingers together and tracing the fine bones, muscles, and tendons through her hands as the water cooled and they both began to shiver. “Time to get out, beautiful.” She tapped Sasha’s hip.
When they were both out, dried, and wrapped only in towels, Sasha grabbed Jac’s hand and pulled her in close. “Thank you.”
“You keep thanking me, but there truly is no need. If it were the other way around, I know you’d be doing the same, if not more, for me. Wouldn’t you?”
“I would.”
Jac leant forwards and captured her lips in a slow, tender kiss that almost made Sasha weep.
When they lay in bed, Jac tucked around Sasha’s body, protectively spooning her. It brought back a warmth that had fled when she’d seen her mother collapse to the floor. Jac’s loving touch, her protective embrace, and her gentle kisses slowly but surely began to melt the shards of ice that had tried to form around her heart.
As they melted, the tears came. Not the gut-wrenching sobs of earlier. Now it was a steady stream of tears flowing down her cheeks that seemed to have no end. Tears for her pain, tears to cleanse.
Jac’s spicy, musky scent made her feel grounded, and the love in her eyes gave her hope and strength, and something else she couldn’t find the words for. Not yet.
Chapter 29
Jac yawned and pushed the Rewind button. Four days of running backwards and forwards to the hospice, of comforting Sasha through the night, and of going over scenes with Sophie on the phone had left her drained. She’d lost track of the number of hours she’d spent with Sasha and Fleur. She’d seen a gag gift in the garage when she was filling up with petrol, a ‘world’s worst joke’ book. They’d take turns reading it out.
Well, they did when Fleur wasn’t sleeping, something that was happening more and more as the days ticked by. The pained look on her face would grow sharp, then they’d hear the click, a soft whir of machinery, and see the tell-tale slackness on Fleur’s face when the morphine from the drip machine kicked in.
Jac rubbed at her eyes, hoping she could rub the images away at the same time. No such luck. She needed to get this review of the dailies done. Tomorrow was the last day of filming, and if anything needed to be reshot, Sophie needed to know tonight. Not only was it the last day of filming tomorrow, but from Saturday on, the crew on a show scheduled to begin filming on Monday would have to build up the new sets. Kefran would simply have no other chance to do this again.
Shaking her head, she rewound the scene again. Sophie was right: this one wasn’t working. She made a note on the master script for Sophie and moved on to the next scene. Her eyes itched and she rubbed at them tiredly.
She heard the door open but didn’t take her hand from her eyes. “I’m sorry, Soph. I’m only about halfway through.”
“Sophie left a while ago.”
At the sound of Vanessa’s voice, Jac eyed her warily. Vanessa dropped into the seat next to her and pointed to the screen. “How’re they looking?”
“Pretty good.” Jac turned back to the screen and continued to review the scenes. “Only one scene to reshoot so far.”
“I have to admit, I was sceptical when Sophie said she was filling in as director on Monday, but she’s been okay.”
“I’ll pass that on to her,” Jac said with a chuckle. Sophie and Vanessa had always mixed like oil and water.
“Please don’t. I’d never live it down.”
Jac squinted at the screen, noting a continuity error that needed to be fixed. “Your secret’s safe with me.”
“Thanks. How are you doing?”
“I’m okay, thanks.” She wasn’t; she was exhausted and hurting, and she felt helpless almost all the time. But Vanessa didn’t need to know that.
“I could always tell when you were lying, Jac.” She put her hand on Jac’s arm where it rested on the table. “Don’t lie to me now. We might not be together anymore, but we meant more to each other than that.”
Jac took a deep breath. Vanessa had a point, as much as she hated to admit it. And they hadn’t parted on bad terms. If she was willing to be friendly, there was no reason Jac couldn’t be too.
“No, you’re right, I’m not. It’s all shi
t right now, but there’s nothing we can really do about it except get through it all.” She shrugged. “It is what it is, you know?” She wiped at the tears that had gathered in her eyes. She wanted Vanessa to go, to leave her alone so she could cry in peace. Maybe that would let her clear her mind a little bit. Enough to finish going through this bloody footage anyway.
Vanessa nodded, but Jac knew she’d never been through anything like this and she simply couldn’t relate to what they were going through. She’d never lost anyone she cared about like this.
“I hope you know I’m here for you. If you need anything, shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, you know where I am.”
“Thanks, I’ll bear that in mind.”
“Please don’t dismiss my offer. I know you think I’m shallow, and maybe I am. But I know you’re hurting, Jac, and I’m here. Not Sasha or Sophie, or Mags. Me.” She knelt beside Jac’s chair. “Doesn’t that mean something to you?”
“Sure, I’m very grateful, thanks.” She pointed back at the screen. “I need to finish going over these scenes, though. I have to get back to pick Sasha up in a little while.” She swiped at yet another tear at the thought of Sasha sitting at Fleur’s bedside—alone—while her mother slept. Both of them waiting. All of them waiting.
The nurse’s timeline just counting down for them all. A week. Maybe two. They were four days into it. How much longer did they have before that clock ran out? Three days? Ten? Jac put her head in her hands and couldn’t stop the sob that shook her body.
She felt hands on her shoulders, tugging her into an embrace. Comforting words were whispered in her ear, soothing rubs and pats covered her back. But they weren’t the arms she wanted to hold her. It wasn’t the voice she wanted to hear. She’d rather cry alone than have Vanessa witness her pain.
She forced her tears away and pulled out of Vanessa’s arms, offering her what she hoped was a grateful smile. “Thanks, but I really should get on with this.” She tipped her head towards the screen.
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