by Ellie Hall
The air around Connor shifted like a football sailing too close to his head. He instinctively ducked as Ivan’s fist approached, once more intending to punch him. Connor all but tackled Katerina to keep Ivan from accidentally punching her since she was in his line of attack. Connor cradled her slight figure as best he could as they both landed on the ground.
She gasped, but was on her feet in seconds, screaming in angry Russian. She turned on her parents. Lastly, her glare landed on Connor.
As she strode away, her mother pleaded with her, presumably trying to calm her down, but her father swiped his hand downward dismissively before storming into the house.
A woman with the same dark eyes as Ivan approached the mother and daughter pair. The three women argued for about a minute before Katerina suddenly went silent as though she remembered who she’d become after leaving home. She said a few words in a calmer, politer tone and then started for the car.
Connor hurried after her and held open the door. “Are you okay?” he asked.
He wasn’t at all okay, but it wasn’t his body that ached. After the kiss they’d shared by the water, he thought she wanted to be with him. After witnessing the moment dancing, there was no doubt she wanted to patch things up with her old flame.
“I need to go back to St. Petersburg. I need to get my things. Close the school. I need—” She was near tears, barely holding it together, but grasping at the threads of her composure.
Connor never imagined she could come apart the way she had the last few minutes, first dancing so gracefully with Ivan, then having the heated discussion with her parents, and now seeking an escape from him.
Connor knew he’d come on too strong. He shouldn’t have sprung the marriage proposal on her like that. He thought it was the gentlemanly thing to do...and he had to admit when the Ivan guy showed up, he felt jealous, possessive, and afraid that she’d go along with what her parents wanted if he didn’t act fast. He’d been thinking about a future with her, but the request for their blessing had been impulsive. He didn’t regret it, but he realized he should’ve handled it differently—perhaps talk to her first.
Apart from his father’s cabin in North Carolina, Conner was never happier to drive away from a place. It wasn’t only because he didn’t understand a word of what anyone was saying, but because Katerina was so upset. In the seat beside him, she tucked herself in a ball and read a letter by the light of her cell phone.
Questions zipped through his mind as they sped toward the city in silence. How could he fix things? How could he prove that he was worthy of her? What had sent everything so far off the rails?
“You shouldn’t have punched him,” Katerina said when they neared the hotel.
How could he prove she was better off with him than Ivan? He realized he should have asked her if there was anyone else serious in her life. Of course, a woman as beautiful and lovely as Katerina would have suitors. He was so foolish. Not only because he wasn’t familiar with dating etiquette but because by falling for her he broke his own personal playbook rules.
Never get serious.
Never get involved.
Never let things go past a first date.
“I need to go back to Concordia in the morning.” Her voice was strained, thin.
“I’ll arrange travel.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to.” He wanted to give her the world and all the stars in the sky. But he was a poor kid from a cabin. He was a caveman. A single guy. A lone wolf. Who was he kidding? He wasn’t someone who a woman like Katerina wanted—not that he understood what she could possibly see in a guy like Ivan either.
Connor brought the car to a stop and idled by the curb outside the hotel. The outdoor accent lighting made it look like a palace. The night air made everything damp and sparkly. In another life, Katerina may have been his princess—his polite, strong-willed, ballerina princess with a kick-butt ability to prank, and an inner strength that rivaled his own. They were a perfect match. Only she chose someone else.
Her voice came to him as though from far away. “When I was a little girl, I would sit by the window in my room, listening to the lapping water in the Gulf. I’d gaze up at the stars, wondering what else was out there. Wishing to find a way out. When I was in my old bedroom earlier, I found a letter.” She waved it in the air.
It was probably a love letter from Ivan expressing his true love—words Connor hadn’t been able to find quickly enough. Good thing too because he would’ve just embarrassed himself.
“I wrote it from my past self to my future self. A letter written so that if I ever returned, I would remember why I’d left.”
“Clever.” Connor couldn’t stay mad at her for preferring Ivan. It was like as soon as the big lug had his hands on her, a switch flipped. That same switch had stopped Connor’s heart. He still wasn’t sure if it had returned to its normal rhythm. His entire body felt heavy, dull, disappointed.
“On the drive back here, I read the letter. It reminded me of so much. When I arrived in London, I had nothing except a different letter, acknowledging my enrollment in university. Then when I graduated, I went to Concordia. After years of barely getting by as I made my way through my studies, I had next to nothing. Less than I’d left Russia with. I’d sold everything but my ballet slippers, tights, leotard, and tutu. I knew if I failed, I’d have something to turn back to.” She gazed straight ahead through the windshield, hardly blinking as though looking at her past and future simultaneously.
That was it. She was turning back to her old life. To the one she’d left, to Ivan, and away from him so she could have the future she wanted. Could he blame her? How many women had wanted more from him and he’d simply turned away, didn’t return calls or messages. Vanished.
Her voice floated back. “I was alone and scared. I didn’t know what was next. I feel the same way now. If I hadn’t gotten the degree and the job at Blancbourg, what would that have meant for my future?”
A series of cars passed, illuminating her face. She had tears in her eyes.
His own reflection in the rearview mirror revealed a deep frown forming at the corners of his mouth.
“Connor, when we first met, seeing you, I saw parts of myself. You were this big, strong man. A specimen of physical conditioning, toning, and perfect in every way.”
“You’re also perfect, but you’re not a man, Kat.” He said it softly, testing if he could lighten the mood.
She shook her head. “You don’t understand my meaning. I was the same as you once. Seeking perfection but in the form of ballet instead of football. But like me, you’re after it for the wrong reasons and that is your weakness. I stepped away from ballet, giving myself space. During that time, I got so much clarity.” The thoughts that she was conveying into words had an abstract quality like they were just formed or she was having a hard time translating them from Russian.
“Are you suggesting I quit football?” No way. That was out of the question.
She shook her head. “Remember I asked you why you want to win? Just before I stopped dancing, I realized that parents wanted me to win because they were afraid of me losing. Then I asked myself why I wanted to win. At the time, I didn’t have an answer that was different from theirs even though I knew that was the wrong equation, the wrong approach. So I stopped dancing altogether. But now I understand. Dancing is in my heart just as football is in yours. I want to dance without this idea that there is a win or a lose—a finite amount of possibility of success. Do you understand? I want to dance with the idea that there is an infinite amount and success can look and mean whatever I want it to. I don’t have to associate dance with my parents’ ideals.” She let out a long breath. “So I ask you again, Connor. Why do you want to win?”
His eyebrows dipped and his lips twisted. “Because I don’t want to lose?”
Her expression was frozen, impassive. Why did she want his answer to that question so bad? She’d asked it when they’d first met too.
He swallowed up the image of her beside him because he sensed her slipping away. Maybe she wanted to dance in an infinite reality or whatever it was she was saying, but their time together was finite. It was coming to an end. He knew it. She knew it.
“I don’t know,” he whispered, trying again, hoping that she’d accept him not knowing why he wanted to win. His mind was erased by her beauty and the fact that he was losing. Losing her.
She leaned forward and landed the softest kiss on his lips.
He shivered because he knew it was the last one.
She opened the door partway, about to exit his life. His stomach dipped.
“For the next twenty-four hours, you are still my student. How am I going to know if you can handle yourself publicly after what just happened?”
He’d overstepped a line when he and Ivan got into the tussle. After all, he’d wanted to pound his father, but she’d demonstrated how to handle difficult people. However, there was no way he could tell her what Ivan had said about her.
He battled with himself because he had feelings for her, feelings he’s never had for anyone but failed to get the words out of his mouth.
He’d never had love and as soon as he’d let his guard down, she realized that he was the weakling his father had always told him he was. Katerina wouldn’t want a guy like him.
“I’m sorry that I got so riled up,” he said at last. “That wasn’t the right way to handle the situation. I’m sorry for everything that happened there.” He thought he’d done the right thing, but he’d come on too fast. The question he’d posed to her parents probably scared her.
“Thank you for saying that. Thank you for everything. Despite the time remaining, as the headmistress at Blancbourg, I can declare that you passed the program. You went above and beyond, but I think we both need to take some time. Sort out our personal priorities.” She smoothed her hair into a low bun at the nape of her neck, gathered her things, and closed the door to the car behind her.
He knew what she’d meant. It was over. They were breaking up if they’d ever been together in the first place.
Connor had taken serious poundings on the field, tackled and concussed, but never had his chest ached so much. However, he was a Boston Bruiser. It wasn’t over until he won. He couldn’t yet answer her question about why he wanted to win, but he had a question of his own for her.
Chapter 13
Katerina
Katerina’s eyes were as damp as the sidewalk as she fled and raced up the steps toward the hotel.
Just as she’d found herself at a crossroads when she’d stopped dancing, once again, she needed time to figure her life out.
Why would Connor want to marry her after seeing where she’d come from? Her parents and that brute Ivan were awful. They should never have visited.
In her heart, she loved her mother and father, but they didn’t share values about life and happiness. They’d pushed her too hard from a young age—she forewent friends, school, and her own interests because they’d wanted her to dance. She’d pushed her body, ruined her feet, and rarely rested. They’d forced her into partnership with Ivan. He acted like he won the prize, but in private treated her like trash. She wasn’t a thing, a commodity for families to trade for status. Even though they saw how it had damaged her, after hearing her mother talking to Ivan’s and everything else, she knew they’d do it all over again if given the opportunity. That wasn’t the life or relationship she wanted.
“Katerina,” someone called over the chatter coming from the hotel entrance and the cars on the busy street.
She spun around.
Connor rushed toward her.
But the wall between them had already been built—she didn’t think they could cross it the way they did the raging rapids. She couldn’t let him get in because she risked losing the person she’d worked so hard to become—independent, focused on her future goals, and not getting caught up in a man as had happened with Ivan.
“Was everything that happened these last four weeks part of the program? Part of my lessons because if so, what did I do wrong? I thought that we—” Connor’s face was made of granite.
“It’s like we’ve been running a race. Only, I’ve been running from myself. I’ve hardly had a moment to catch my breath after getting swept up in all of this and after the stay at the hospital—”
She’d never fallen for someone like she had with Connor, but her heart was fragile.
She wanted to take things slow and not lose focus on who she was like she’d done with Ivan, giving herself fully to him and his whims.
At Katerina’s response, Connor’s expression cracked and splintered as though he realized something. “I know what I did wrong. I thought it was the surprise trip to see your parents and the proposal that had been the mistake—” He shook his head.
She felt herself crumbling at the word mistake. She knew he’d changed his mind about her.
“It was because I took you to the End of the World Enduro, away from modern medicine and conveniences.” The words formed slowed as though speaking them was agonizing. “I am no better than my father.”
“You are not your father,” she said firmly. Connor was nothing like that terrible man.
“I understand why you’d want to end this.”
The statement had such finality to it that she flinched. “Connor, that’s not what I meant and pushing me away won’t solve this. You need to know why you want to win.” She wanted to make sure their values were aligned. She couldn’t risk having a duplicate experience as she’d had with her parents and Ivan. She’d come so far and didn’t want to go back.
Instead of answering, Connor sped away from her as quickly as he’d appeared, leaving her standing on the stone stairs in the rain, breathless as tears spilled from her eyes.
Katerina swiftly made arrangements with the help of the concierge to return to Concordia and then went to her room to gather her belongings. She’d saved a bit of money in her years working at Blancbourg and although she couldn’t afford a trip to Russia on a private plane, she could pay her way back home.
At the simple truth in the word, home, the tears dissolved. She’d made a home for herself in the new land and had a life there. It was only upon going back to the place she’d grown up that she’d felt like she’d lost her way.
Being with Connor wasn’t the answer. She’d asked him a question that he wasn’t able to answer. She hoped he’d be able to someday. She had a question of her own that she hoped to answer soon as well.
When she’d found the letter that she’d written to herself so many years ago, she was reminded to pursue her dreams of independence, and not give into pressure and expectations as she’d always done.
Her love of dancing had turned into torture. She’d left the practice to find her way back to love. The letter reminded her to follow her heart, but where would it lead this time?
What did she want?
What was next in her life?
She felt a twinge in her chest and for a moment she worried about her health, but then realized it wasn’t that. It was love. Her heart led her to love. It had stopped, which told her that things between her and Connor weren’t meant to be. He had football. She had, well, she wasn’t sure yet. He was a gorgeous, famous athlete and she was just a teacher. They were so different. But when she’d let herself get closer to him, she feared losing herself as she’d done with Ivan.
The letter had reminded her to pursue her dreams and her heart. Seeing her family reinforced the importance of those resolutions she’d made so long ago.
If only Connor knew why he wanted to win, maybe they’d have been able to have a future together but she feared he’d be the same as them. Now she had to find a new way forward on her own.
The surest way she knew was Blancbourg. She loved the school and the opportunities it had afforded her. Getting a job there had saved her when she’d graduated college, didn’t have a job, and didn’t know where to go or what to do. She had to save
the school and then she’d figure out what to do next.
Upon returning to the manor in Concordia, Arthur greeted Katerina with a gracious smile as always.
“You gave us a bit of a fright after we learned about your visit to the hospital,” he said, helping her with her bags. “I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better because I don’t know what we’d do here without you. You run a tight ship.” He met her eyes just then.
She saw the sincerity in them and it felt good to be appreciated. In a way, Arthur and his wife were like grandparents to her. She’d spend holidays with them and always brought Arthur a pretzel when she went to the shop in the village.
“Thank you.” Katerina could only manage a smile because she wasn’t sure how much longer any of them would be there.
During the flight back, she’d caught up on email and notices. The budget looked graver than ever. She’d also had a chance to dig deep into the various accounts owned by the school and discovered some unusual discrepancies.
“How is Mrs. Fitzwilliam faring?” Katerina asked, collecting herself.
“Quite well—” Arthur held up his finger to say something else, but someone cut across him.
“The world traveler decided to return.” Regina approached, appearing as if she was ready to pounce. “You know, instead of you and the other teachers galivanting all over hill and dale with your pupils, had you been smart, you would’ve redirected the travel expenditures back to the school, kept those football jerks, I mean, jocks, here for the remaining weeks, and spared me from having to let A—”
What Arthur had said about her running a tight ship reminded Katerina of Connor’s story about burning the boats. “Actually, Regina, I was hoping to have this conversation with you in my office. Surely, you’re familiar with those four walls.”
A shadow of guilt crossed Regina’s eyes, but she lifted her chin, defying any further acknowledgment.
Katerina smoothed her hair as she settled behind her desk.
Regina took the seat opposite. “Arthur has to go.”