by Ford, Mia
“Is that what you guys were yelling about out there? Because it seemed more personal than that.”
Fucking hell, I am usually so careful with my private life. Especially when it comes to this place. But I have allowed my anger to get the better of me and I have slipped up badly. I don’t want anyone to know that me and Wesley even slept together, never mind he baby. That would give them all something to speculate over for weeks. I can’t stand the idea of having everyone’s eyes on me again. It was bad enough the first time around when they all learned that I got left at the altar. That was a shit storm. Of course, they all pretended to be nice to my face. We were the best of friends while they all offered me their sympathy, but I knew the truth. That they were relishing in my misery because it made them feel better about their own shitty lives. Hannah most of all.
I didn’t give much away then because I didn’t want to be talked about, and I won’t now either.
“It was just work stuff.” I offer her a one shouldered shrug. “It got a bit personal towards the end because we were heated, he rubs me up the wrong way, but we’re just going to avoid one another now. Andy said so.”
“So, that’s all it was, huh? That’s why Wesley pulled you to one side? Because I could have sworn that it was more than that.” She continues to probe me. “He seemed all strange when he came over here.”
“That’s all it was,” I snapped. “Now, can we just stop talking about him because I have too much to do.”
Hannah is silent for a minute but she doesn’t need to talk for me to feel the incredible energy burning off of her. She’s absolutely fucking fuming at me for not giving her what she wants. But I don’t care. This moment isn’t about her. It’s about me and the mess that I have made of my life. And I won’t share that with her.
“Fine.” She scrapes her chair back and stamps upright. “I will just get back to work then.”
I’m sure that she wants me to stop here, which is why she remains standing by my desk staring at me for a moment too long. But I refuse to play by her rules today. I just want to be alone to wallow. I can’t process these emotions while I’m also trying to close her out. My walls are too high for anything to happen.
Thankfully, it isn’t long before she gets the hint and she finally leaves me alone to breathe easier. Only the breaths don’t come any easier. They are stuck in my throat and I can’t get them out. I just can’t work out why it has to be so hard with Wesley. Why I can’t just have a normal conversation with him.
I glance my eyes over to Wesley’s desk, but he isn’t there at the moment. I guess he needed some time alone to process this as well which sucks. I think he’s had enough time really. Although I think that maybe I was a little hard on him back then. I did immediately jump to the defensive and didn’t give him much time to talk. But I can’t help it. There is just something about Wesley Smith that winds me up. He brings out the worst in me.
My head hits my desk hard as I try to picture what that will look like when we try to parent together, if we try to parent together, I guess that’s something we haven’t yet agreed on, and it isn’t a pretty picture. Parenting is something that we will have to agree on. We will need to find some common ground. Somehow, we will have to make it work, and that will include agreeing on some very serious matters. We can’t argue over everything because there is an actual human life in the middle of it, relying on us to be so much better.
Since we can’t even have a conversation without arguing it seems like that isn’t going to happen. We really are screwed. It’s so frustrating to know how badly this is going to turn out. To see it in my mind’s eye, but to not be able to stop it. The ball is rolling now, all I can do is watch the snow ball grow.
“Hey, Zoe.” All of a sudden, I snap my head off the desk as I hear Wesley talking quietly to me. It seems that Andy’s words haven’t affected him as much as they should have done which isn’t like Wesley. He normally prefers to follow the rules because he assumes that is how he will get far in life. “Can we meet?”
“Did you not just hear that conversation?” I snap, on the defensive again. Even knowing that he does this to me and it’s the wrong way to behave, I can’t stop myself from acting out. “It didn’t go well.”
“I mean out of work. Like, at a bar or something. Maybe later on this evening? I just… well, I don’t want us to stop talking because we rowed. I think that we both know we need to discuss this.”
I glance my eyes everywhere and of course Hannah is watching us suspiciously. It seems that the more I do to try and not be talked about, the more I invite the conversation in. I just want to live a quiet life where I can do my job without any drama coming my way… but it seems like that is too much to ask.
“Fine,” I snap back just needing to get rid of him. “Whatever you want.”
He slides a piece of paper my way. “This is my number. Text me and we will arrange a place to meet.”
“Right, sure.” He continues to look at me as if we have more to say. “You can go now.”
“Yes, right, I will.” He nods, but I can tell that he’s unsure. He probably thinks that I won’t contact him, and to be honest I am in doubt myself. I just don’t really want to. “I will see you later on then, I suppose…”
As he goes, I screw the piece of paper up in to a tiny ball, but I lean down and drop it in to my hand bag knowing that I’m going to need it later. I might not like the idea of having to see any more of the man who infuriates me more than anyone on the planet but coming up with a resolution is what we both need.
Maybe out of work will be better, I try to reassure myself. Perhaps this environment is what’s toxic.
But while it is, I’m sure that what me and Wesley share is toxic as well. It always has been, and it always will be. Well, that’s unless something dramatic changes today and everything becomes so much better. I suppose that’s possible. I have to admit that I doubt it, but I’m sure I could be wrong.
As long as I hold my head up high and I remember that I have a baby to protect, then he might not be able to affect me anyway. I would like to assure myself that I will keep my cool as well, but that doesn’t seem possible.
* * *
I’m relieved when my cell phone blasts out and its Jessica’s name plastered across my screen. Much as I would love for Wesley to call and cancel now so that I don’t have to see him, ever since we finalized the details of where we are going to meet, I have been gearing myself up for it, and I don’t want that to be for nothing.
“Hey, Jess,” I answer smilingly. “How are you? At any more glamorous parties?”
“Nope,” she replies. Popping the P. “Tonight I am here all for you. I can tell that you wanted to talk to me the other day, but you wouldn’t because I was out and I knew that there was no reason to push you, but now I will. And don’t try to hide it away because you’re afraid to put stress on me because I want to hear it.”
“You know me too well,” I reply wryly. “But I’m actually on my way out…”
“Oh no, really?” she shoots back, clearly disappointed. “Because I want to help. Is it your grandma?”
“No, she’s pretty much the same. Still not great but hanging on in there.”
“She’s a tough cookie that one! So, what is it? Work troubles?”
“Guy troubles. Bad one,” I tell her honestly. “And that’s where I’m about to go now. I have got myself in to a bit of situation with a guy at work and we need to sort it out, so we don’t keep arguing in the office.”
“Ooh, sounds like there is a lot of sexual tension there. Is he hot?” Jessica teases.
“It isn’t like that. He’s more of the asshole, you shouldn’t ever go near him type of guy.”
“The best and worst kind. So, is it bad drama? Anything I need to kick some ass over?”
I’m too weary to get in to the full story now. I can’t go through it all with Jessica right before my meeting with Wesley. I vow to myself that I will call her tomorrow to go through it
instead. “Nothing I can’t handle.”
“Well, you know that there is always a place for you here in New York,” she declares earnestly. “I have a big place with plenty of room, so you are always welcome to stay. I would actually love to have you around.”
Now that is an offer that I really want to take her up on. The idea of escaping this nightmare is completely endearing, but I don’t think that I can out run my issues forever. I’m sure they will catch up with me however far I go. Plus, I don’t know if the offer would still be there if Jessica knew that I had a baby on the way. I don’t think a screaming infant with an asshole father would fit in to her glamorous party life.
“Thanks, Jess,” I reply blandly. “That means a lot. You are such a good friend.”
But this is my burden alone and I need to deal with it by myself.
Chapter Five
Wesley
I can’t stop my eyes from desperately darting over to the door every few seconds to see if she is here yet. I’m too early, as always, and wired on coffee. I probably look like I have been stood up which is a little like how I feel right now. Like Zoe isn’t going to come despite the fact that this is the most important meeting of our lives.
She needs to come. She’s going to have to turn up soon enough, we have to have this conversation. Neither of us may want to, neither of us might want to talk about this difficult mess, but we have to. It’s the terrifying adult thing to do. Both of us need to grow the fuck up if we’re going to move forward with this.
Oh my God. All of a sudden, the door swings open and there she is. In a pink dress that swishes around her waist skimming her knees, showing off that incredibly curvy body of hers. Her blonde hair is wavy and hangs loose, right passed her make up free face. She has her usual amount of endless jewelry on, but she looks different to how she does at work. Loser perhaps. Like she doesn’t have quite the same amount of stress on her.
Immediately I rise to my feet and I offer her a smile, which brings her towards me. She doesn’t return my expression though, any looseness that she’s feeling clearly doesn’t relate to me.
“Thank you for coming, Zoe, I know this is a lot after… well after the way that I behaved today.”
She seems surprised to hear some humility from me, which I guess is understandable, but I have made the active decision not to be a dick this time around. Instead of attacking like I normally do, instead of being defensive with Zoe, I am just going to be cool headed. Or at least as much as I can manage.
“Well, I didn’t behave great today either,” she admits. “Which is probably why we should keep these conversations out of the work place, You know what people are like for gossiping there.”
“I am more than happy to agree with that.” I smile. “Now, can I get you a drink before we talk?”
“Oh right, sure.” Her eyes widen. “A coffee would be great. Thank you very much.”
I head over to the bar and order a coffee for the pair of us. I didn’t exactly intend to drink tonight anyway but I’m definitely not going to now. Zoe can’t because she’s pregnant and I don’t want to. I don’t want to block this out. This is a conversation that we both need to remember every single part of. We also need to be calm since there are going to be some really difficult topics to cover here. Alcohol isn’t the answer here.
The look of Zoe catches me off guard as I take the drinks back to the table. She really is striking in a very surprising way. This is how I ended up sleeping with her in the first place, and even agreeing to go out for a drink with her. Because there is something strangely magnetic about her and it pulls me in.
Stop admiring her, I shoot myself down quickly. This definitely isn’t about that.
“So, I guess you have some questions for me,” she declares quietly as she takes the mug from me. “I can see the question in your eyes, but you haven’t yet asked it. If we’re going to do this properly, then honesty is key.”
I don’t want to ask this question, it makes me feel like a dick, but I have to. We need to clarify absolutely everything before we move forward with this. “Okay, so the baby… can we be sure that the baby is mine? I know that makes me sound like an ass, but you were engaged very close to when me and you… you know.”
She flicks her eyes downwards, which I’m pretty sure is a sign that paternity is something that I need to be worried about. But there are tests for this sort of thing, aren’t there? We can figure it out…
“You are one hundred percent the father. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind.”
“Not even a tiny scrap? Because there could be a chance that it could be either of us…”
“I was a virgin.” Her eyes fall closed and I can see the distress in her expression. “Me and my fiancé decided to wait until we were married, and I haven’t ever been with anyone else. So, it has to be you because the one time that me and you had sex is… well, you know, the only time that I have had sex at all.”
What the fuck? My breath catches in my throat. This is insane. I don’t know how to process this. She had sex with me for the very first time… why the hell would she do that? I wasn’t exactly looking for a way out but knowing that there is no chance that I am not the father makes it so much more real.
“Why did you give your virginity to me?” I hiss at her. “You hate me.”
“I know I do,” she admits without a scrap of trying to save my feelings. “And you hate me too. But that is the exact reason why you. Because you weren’t my fiancé, you were nothing like him, and there was no love lost. It seemed like the perfect revenge on him… not that he ever found out, so it was pointless anyway.”
I was used. I already know that but to hear her say it so blatantly is a bit hard for me to swallow. It makes me feel all hollow and empty inside. Not that I want her to have any kind of feelings for me or anything. I just… I don’t know, it’s weird to know that she handed over something so precious to me and I didn’t even appreciate it. I didn’t even know. If I had… well, I wouldn’t have done it. I would have treated her better.
“Okay, right, so… so we have established that the baby is mine,” I stammer while I rake my fingers through my hair. “Definitely. So, we really need to have some kind of conversation about… about what we’re going to do.” I feel hot. Hot all over and sweaty too. My chest is tight, and I can’t hack it. “We need to…”
“Are you okay?” Zoe rests her hand on mine and she gives me a concerned look. “I know this is a lot…”
“It is,” I admit. “It’s all too much. Finding out that… that you were a virgin. Especially when it was so amazing between us…” I can’t believe that I just said it aloud, but it’s the truth. It was the most incredible sex that I have ever had. It didn’t feel like it was her first time at all. She seemed to really know what she was doing. The things that she did to my body were incredible. I assumed that she was an expert in the bedroom. “But not just that. Learning that I am going to be a dad as well, knowing that I will have a baby, it’s…”
“I know.” She nods and smiles at me. “Believe me, I have been through the emotional wringer about this as well. It’s a shock, and not an easy one to digest, but you will get there. You will. I have and you will too.”
Weirdly, her calming influence works. I feel all the crazy anxiety calming the hell down just because I’m looking in to her eyes. How does she manage that? She must just have this magical way about her. No one has ever managed to calm me down before. I might even be thinking rationally for a change.
How does this one woman rile me up so much and calm me down all at once? She’s a real roller coaster in every single way. I never know quite where I am with her but I’m going to have to figure it out.
“We will figure it out together,” she tells me seriously. “We can. If that’s what you want. But I also want you to know that I don’t expect anything from you. I’m not coming to you because I want something from you. You don’t have to be involved, I don’t need any financial support, you can be
completely out of the picture if you want to.” She sucks in a breath. “Or you can be in the picture if you want to. As much or as little as you want to.”
“I’m not going to leave you in this alone.” I might not know much about what I think, but I do know this. “I will be there for you. We will work this out together. Somehow, me and you. It’ll be okay.”
It’s weird to have this conversation with Zoe as if she’s just a normal person and not my worst fucking enemy. Actually, having this nice and normal conversation with Zoe feels good. She’s different out of work, much easier and better to be around. I like it a lot. It’s much better talking to Zoe and feeling this connection with her than being out there in random bars, hooking up with random women who I don’t know. This is preferable. This makes me so much happier. Screwing around hasn’t worked out for me, so maybe this could…
Am I really thinking this? I ask myself desperately. Is this for real? This is my enemy after all…
In a way, it is real. Far more real than anything that has come before. I don’t know if Zoe ever has been my enemy really, or if I built that up in my head. Half because I was threatened by her and how amazing she is at her job, and half because I didn’t want to feel the way that she has made me feel. Feelings that I don’t know how to deal with. I can’t deny it now that my attraction to her is palpable, it’s overwhelming. There is a reason why I have had to screw around to try and get her out of my system, and a reason why it hasn’t worked. It’s hard to accept that reason, but I’m supposed to be an adult about this. It’s time to see passed that reason and to look at this a different way. Look at her a different way… accept that she makes my heart stop beating.
“You are giving me a strange look,” she tells me with one eye narrowed in suspicion. “What’s going on?”