“And the man?” He stepped forward until we were nose to nose. “There’s something ain’t right about all this. That sheriff came to the house this morning with some wild stories and you’re at the center of all of them. Did you know those women in the woods with you and Rusty?” He didn’t let me answer. “Well, every damn one of them is missing. Yeah, missin’.”
Ghosts of curses past. “What do you want me to do about it?”
“Sheriff’s department can’t make heads or tails of it. Bodies don’t just up and go missing.” He paced away from me and back again. “They want to know why you lived, why you lived and they didn’t. They wanna know how you found those girls in the woods.” His voice got louder until it was an all-out bellow. “They said you killed that man that took ’em. They’re talking like maybe you got something to do with Rusty,” he screamed in my face.
Jaw tight, I said through gritted teeth, “I suggest you get outta my face, brother.”
He huffed once and spun away. “And where you been for the last twelve-odd hours?”
“I just drove around. I went to the lake.”
“We searched the lake.” He squinted.
“Well, I wasn’t there the whole time. Garret, can’t you just let me be? God, you’re just like Mama.”
“Well,” he planted his hands on his hips and shimmied his head, “somebody’s gotta be. She’ll be here just as soon. Her shift ended about an hour ago.”
I stepped back, mouth wide, betrayed. “Garret Llewellyn Russell, you did not call our mama into this! You son of a—”
“Carolynn, you watch that mouth in this house,” Nana scolded me from the kitchen.
“You bet I did. You’re just plum out of control. I love you, Lynn, but I can’t do this. I can’t control you.”
I slammed my fists to my hips. “You’re right. You can’t because I’m a grown-ass woman, not a child, and I can come and go as I please. You need to worry about you and Hattie, and your life. Stop fussing over me, so help me.”
He stuck his chest out and leaned into me. “I’m supposed to be taking care of you.”
“Damn it, Garret, you get your nose outta my business or I’ll bite it off,” I shouted, spit flying across his face.
“Get your butt in line or I’ll kick it straight.”
We squared off.
A growl rolled out my throat. “You have no idea what you’re getting into.”
His eyes went wide. An audible gulp bounced his Adam’s apple.
“Oh,” Nana wheezed from behind us. “Oh, Lynnie.” Her voice just a smidge above a whisper.
I glared at Garret a second longer before I turned away to see what Nana was panting about. One ringed hand clenched her apron, the other pressed against her chest. Her face as white as Avery’s gown. In the time it took for me to take a breath and lose it again, she toppled to the ground. Her thin legs gave way, top-heavy body falling forward. She didn’t so much as reach out to brace herself. I lunged to catch her and missed. She hit the hardwood with a thud that brought bile up the back of my throat.
I was at her side and rolled her over before Garret even knew what’d happened. “Nanny, Nanny, are you okay?” She wasn’t okay. Nothing would ever be okay.
“What is it?” Garret’s panicked voice boomed over the top of me.
“Open your eyes, Nana. Look at me.”
Her lids fluttered and hazy blue eyes rolled, no focus. Breaths came ragged. I closed my eyes, concentrated on the sounds of the room. Under the whir of the swamp cooler, her heart slow, out of time. Dying.
Shit. Fuck. Shit. No. No.
I opened my eyes to meet their reflection in her milky blues. Fiery embers. Garret leaned over behind me, heavy breaths heating my neck.
She grinned, flashing her silver tooth one last time. “Oh, there you are,” she said, hardly even moving her lips.
The hairs on my arms stood on end, sending shivers down my spine. She breathed, letting out a lot of air, more than she took in. Her smile faded. A quick breath rocked her chest. A long exhale followed.
“Nanny.” The tiny voice coming from somewhere far away was my own. “Nanny?” I gripped the front of her dress. Under the whir of the swamp cooler, my heart shattered.
There were no more breaths. No more smiles. No more Nana.
Shaking hands refused to touch her lifeless skin. Deep, agonizing wails poured from my lungs. Garret whined, a sickening sound, high in his throat.
She died in her living room while I argued with Garret. She stood behind us scared and alone.
I shook my head, over and over, demanding the universe bring her back. The broken pieces in my chest sparked to life. Eyes blurred with tears, I reared, and a howl burst from my lips, spilling a rage more wild and untamed than the beast itself.
Garret fell backward away from me, thudding onto the wooden floor. His eyes, dinner plates, filled with terror, watched in breathless horror.
In a single beat of his heart, the beast broke free. Slopping green fur burst from my skin. Limbs flailed a moment before snapping into place. Sharp, deadly claws spread wide, swiping directionless. Lime blood shot from Garret.
“Holy God!” Garret shrieked, holding a bloody arm to his chest.
The screen door slammed. Mama screamed.
My nightmare come to life. I knew the day would come. Wild. Unkempt and uncontrolled. I couldn’t stay. They had to survive.
Garret tried to stand but stumbled back into the wall. Mama ran to him, clearing the doorway. Four strong legs barreled out, right through the screen door. Mama’s screams echoed long after I’d gone.
All peace I’d mustered had been snatched away. Any control I’d gained, gone. I’d become what I’d worst feared. A monster.
Havana wasn’t my home anymore. My people needed me gone. And I’d go. First, I’d have to find myself again, lost inside my beastly prison.
Refuge
I raced through the back roads and ditches of Havana. Escaping, running until my beastly legs carried me to a familiar garden on a corner lot. In broad daylight, I galloped through pastures, over fences, stopping only when I found the person my beast had sought out.
Exhausted, I collapsed on Mama Lee’s back steps. Hard, panting breaths heaved my chest. We’d come for sanctuary. For solace.
Thud. The sound of Nana’s body slapping the hardwood floor played on loop, rattling the tiny hairs in my tufted green ears. My nostrils flared at the imagined scent of Garret’s blood, pure. His torn flesh forever engrained in emerald. Rusty. Nana. Garret. Mama’s sorrow. My penance.
“Well now,” Mama Lee said quietly above me. “You sure are a ballsy little thing, aren’t you?” She looked down from her top step. “If I invite you in, are you gonna play nice?” I snorted, no energy for much else. One corner of her mouth tilted a smirk. “Come on then.” She stepped back and held the beaded curtain.
No eyes to pour tears over downy cheeks, a whimper, high, tight rattled from somewhere deep. In the place we share. My beast and I.
We fell in a heap at her feet. Agony, a blanket tucked too tight, held me inside her. I could stay there. Escape into the magic of my beast. I’d forget soon enough about my people. The longing I already felt for them would go and I’d live my mystical existence until my time was up.
“You thirsty? I’ll getcha a bowl of water.” Tiny feet carried her out of sight. A minute later, she was back with a bowl and a bit of raw meat. Rabbit from the scent of it. She set it a few inches from my head. “Get your sea legs back. I’ll wait.”
I needed legs—real ones. And hands. Words. I needed out. Escape from my prison of suffering before I let her keep me there for good.
“You came all this way. You must need something.” The beast lifted her head, lapped at the water, pulled a piece of rabbit from the plate. I screamed and prayed she heard me. “How do I get that little
Lynnie Russell back with us?” She squinted, thoughts churning.
Slender legs bent at the knee, she sat on the floor by my side. I laid my head against the cool tile. Mama Lee curled up next to me and ran her hand along the top of my furry head.
Her brown eyes held mine. She didn’t say anything, raking slender fingers through dense fur. Traced a finger up my snout, drawing my eyes closed. Even, tranquil harmony hummed in her chest. My tail, thick as a fence post, lifted and flapped to the floor. Breaths slowed. Racing heart came to rest.
Sharp, stinging pain—splintered stones in my soul—smoothed. It didn’t go away. Those jagged rocks just didn’t slice at my heart with their edges.
“There you are,” Mama Lee said softly.
Nana’s last words rang my ears. Wailing sobs burst from my lungs. A salty waterfall streamed across my nose, plopping to the floor. Rough edges cut deep, churning the muck that’d almost settled. I slapped the tile, stinging my palm. She’d found me, brought me out, but at a cost.
“Just rest, child. You’re beginning to shut down. We’re not going to let that happen.” Mama Lee didn’t play with words or lies. She just said it like it needed to be said. I appreciated that.
I had so much inside that needed to find a home. So much pain. And sorrow, and guilt. Any hope I’d found standing beneath that silver moon with Puck was gone. Not gone, just buried under twenty tons of horseshit.
Gently, she whispered, “Would you like me to smooth out those edges?”
I nodded, doing everything I could not to erupt back into my fur suit. “Yes, ma’am,” I croaked.
One quick nod and she hopped up from the floor. Mama Lee was no spring chicken, so whatever she was doing for herself was working out fine. “I’ll getcha something to put on while I’m up,” she said over her shoulder on her way out.
She talked to me like we’d known each other for years. Like a dear old auntie there to help when help was needed, love when love was needed, and fight when a fight came about.
Puck’d been right. I’d been naked more than I was clothed in one day, lying there with all my bits and pieces out didn’t bother me as much.
She padded on swift legs back into the room. “Pull this on and wait there on the floor. Mama Lee’ll fix you right up.” She nodded once and went to work.
Swiping snot and tears from my face, I sat up. My head felt two sizes too big. Eyes puffy. Nose surely contending with Rudolph. The cotton flowered dress slipped on easy enough. It was the cleanest, best fitting clothing I’d had on in more days than I could track. A size too small, I was grateful for even the slightest give in the fabric.
Mama Lee pinched and mixed spices and powders in a pot no bigger than my head—when normal sized—that rested on little clawed feet. She moved like a cat, never stopping to think of what she was doing, all instinct.
She struck a match against the table, lighting a single flame burner beneath the cast iron pot. Steam puffed from the top, and she pulled in a long sniff, adding one more thing. A dried chicken’s foot replaced a stirring spoon.
It bubbled, boiling the brew. Speaking in cursive, Mama Lee whispered what sounded like one long word. She looked to the sky, then leaned over the pot and spit into it.
Before it had any time to cool, she tipped the liquid into a round, clay mug. “Now, gulp this up fast. It’s hot, but it has to be. Don’t let it cool. Drink it all in one breath.” She handed me the mug. “Put the soles of your feet flat on the floor, push all the air from your lungs, and chug it like you’re out at Maldoon’s.”
I did as she said, planting my feet flat on the floor without moving my butt. Spit or no spit, my soul couldn’t withstand another sharp shard of despair. I gulped it down and begged those edges to lie down and rest quiet for a while. They’d resurface in time, that I was sure of. Smooth or sharp, a steady stream bares its stones. Sharp rocks cut the flow of the water, chopping it, making it wild and unpredictable. Eventually, that water wears those edges down until it runs level again. I’d run level again. I just needed time to wear those edges down under the surface. And as it appeared, time was the one thing I had in abundance.
It tasted like soap and burned my tongue. I swallowed the last bit, gulping a full breath of air. With it, hope flooded in. My pain hadn’t gone. Sadness still shrouded my heart. Hope wrapped it all in its loving arms and held it steady for me. She hadn’t taken away anything. Mama Lee’d just made room for hope to find its way in.
“There now.” She smiled. I almost expected the glint of a silver tooth. “Feeling better?” I shrugged, nodding once.
“I can’t…” Tears welled. “She’s gone. Just gone. Like that.” I closed my eyes and saw Nana’s face. Scared, confused, seconds before she hit the floor. Choking on the lump in my throat, I sucked back sadness. “Garret’s gonna—he was so angry. I should’a just let him holler and be done with it. He’s never gonna—how will I ever—even if I could, my brother is never gonna wanna see the likes of me again.”
Well-weathered hands gathered what she’d pulled out for my elixir. “Oh, that boy’ll get glad in the same pants he got mad in.” Shuffling off into the kitchen she said over her shoulder, “I suspect this’ll be the last time I get to see you.”
I closed my eyes and leaned my head against my knees. “I can’t stay.”
“You gonna say goodbye?”
I shook my head. “What’s the point? They’ll miss me either way. Might as well not give them the chance to fuss over it.” Callousing took time, which I had, but I’d already begun.
Mama Lee swept through the doorway, a wide-brimmed hat in hand. “Well, it’s no glasses and big nose, but it’ll at the very least keep that sun off you.” She plunked the hat on my head. “Hope you’re all right walking. I don’t drive.”
I’d walked there, I’d make my way home. I pushed myself from the floor on bare feet. “Thank you. Thank you for everything. Since… thank you for being so kind when there was no good reason to be.”
A tight grin turned her lips white. “Happy to have met a girl like you. Lynnie Russell.” She handed me a pair of thongs—the sandals, not the underwear. “Might be a nip small, but it’ll keep your feet from burning on that hot asphalt.”
I pulled her in and hugged her tight. We weren’t kin. Hell, we hardly knew each other. But she’d been inside, in our shared place, the spot down deep where the beast lives. That bond would never break.
“Do you have a plan?” She kept her hand on my shoulder while we walked to the steps.
I looked up at the bright morning sky. “I have a friend.”
“That’s a start.”
Just One Bag
Garret, for all he was and wasn’t, would be my brother until the day I died. After, even. Seeing his face, that horrible look when he saw what I’d become… I’d leave and they’d be safe.
Mama Lee’s woven straw hat did indeed protect me from the blazing morning sun. The sandals were too small, my heels hung over an uncomfortable inch. Her white cotton dress, specked with tiny lilacs, hit just at my knee and stayed relatively cool on my walk home.
I couldn’t right go back to Nana’s for my truck. They’d be there. Police likely. Home wasn’t too far off. I’d make it. Just had to suffer through small shoes and no underwear. And pray Mama, or Garret, or the damn sheriff didn’t roll by and catch me.
Clomping horse hooves beat the road a way behind me. I moved out of their way, walking along the gravely shoulder. Head tilted away to better use my hat disguise, I waited for the rider to pass. Clip-clopping slowed to match my pace. I braced for the sound of a police radio.
“Hello, old friend.”
Beside me, a black steed glistened under hot summer sun. “How in the holy hell did you find me?” I breathed, mouth wide.
“Luck.” His mouth never moved, words just popped right out of his head and into mine.
I nodde
d once, eyes in squints. “Right.”
Puck lowered his head, kneeling to offer me a ride. I groaned and hoisted myself onto his back, tucking what I could of my dress under my lady bits.
“Hang on.”
I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. My body was tired. My soul was tired. I could’ve fallen asleep right there on his back. Puck took off into a sprint, headed toward home.
A shapeshifting fairy doctor—or at least he played one on TV—had sought me out. Followed me. Found me. Saved me. For his own gain, I reckoned so. I needed him too; there was no denying that. I’d stay sharp, vigilant. Watch my six, as they say.
When folks talk about making good choices, they never mention good options. Sometimes it comes down to picking the better smelling shit.
Puck’s blue sports car was parked in Garret’s driveway. He’d come for me. “This is gonna need an explanation.” Puck lowered himself so I could slide off. The back of my borrowed dress caught, flashing likely pale cheeks.
Shimmering silver light waved around him. Like his bear, it shimmied a breath before popping back into Puck. He shook leftover magic from his hair. “I’d gotten to the main highway when I realized,” he sighed, “leaving you alone would be reckless.” He leaned into the open passenger window, exposing his full backside. I didn’t look away. “The bear is a proficient tracker. The best in the animal kingdom. Did you know that?” He spun, a neatly folded stack of clothes in hand, and caught me looking. I blushed but refused to turn away.
“I couldn’t right ride a bear down 7th Street.”
He clicked a finger gun at me. “Bingo.” Khaki pants slid effortlessly over his hips. “Clearly I was correct. Yes?” One at a time, he slowly buttoned a lightweight cotton shirt.
I looked down at my too-small shoes. “Yes.”
“Right.” He slipped his feet into a pair of blue canvas sneakers and wiped sweat from his brow. “This heat. It’s the humidity, really.” He sounded like a true southerner. “I cannot wait to get out of this swamp. Ever been to Oregon?”
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