Touched by Death

by T. L. Martin

  Not going to lie, a part of me still hopes if we really put our heads together, we can find some way for us both to stay here, in this world. Some way to be together. But that’s also the part of me that believes in fairytales, so I’m not putting all my eggs in that basket.

  “Enzo, please.”

  Nothing.

  “Just hear me out.”

  Silence.

  I take another breath, this time out of frustration. He can’t go on ignoring me forever. Or can he? I frown. When I glance down at my ring, an idea crosses my mind. It’s not a foolproof way to reel him in—sorry, Grams—but it’s pretty close.

  “Okay,” I murmur, nonchalant, as I pull away from the bed. “I’m just going to come find you, then. Looking for an entrance to your world as we speak.”

  I don’t know the first thing about finding an entrance. I wouldn’t even know if such a thing is possible, since I’ve only ever wound up there by accident in the past. In reality, I’m walking aimlessly around the room, trying to appear like I know what I’m talking about on the off chance he can see me.

  “Hmm, this feels like a good spot.” I stop before the fireplace, miming in the air and looking like an idiot. “Yup, I can glimpse it now. Okay, stepping on through. See you soon.”

  Still no response.

  Apparently I’m not the most convincing liar.

  Giving up, I let out an exasperated noise and throw my hands in the air. “Are you really just going to ignore me forever? Is that what we do now?”

  And nothing. This is getting ridiculous.

  Why did I think he’d come? Of course he’s not going to show up just because I ask him to. Not when he thinks it’ll only hurt me. I shake my head, shoulders slumping in defeat. If he won’t talk to me, the only other option I have is tracking Mr. Blackwood down. He’ll have a far better shot at figuring this out than I do on my own.

  Whirling around toward the door, my breath catches in my chest when I’m hit by a wall of black. There’s no warning this time. No blurring of colors. No furniture fading from view. In the blink of an eye, I’m no longer in my room. The darkness snakes around my boots, sliding inside them and slowly up my legs. A clammy coldness forms over my skin. Then under my skin. A sickening feeling stirs in the pit of my stomach as the realization of what I’ve just done slaps me across the cheek with the force of a speeding train.

  This wasn’t supposed to happen. It wasn’t even supposed to be possible. Just goes to show how far gone I really am if I can summon that world as easily as Enzo can.

  The thoughts are washed away when my veins begin to freeze over and that thin layer of fire sparks beneath my skin. The transition happens so fast I hardly feel it this time. Just as my mind starts to connect with that strong magnetic pull within the darkness, two hands are around my waist and I’m yanked back.

  My mouth falls open as fresh oxygen floods my lungs. Then I’m on my back, something soft and padded beneath me, and I’m staring wide-eyed at a flat, white ceiling. I lay stunned in place for a few moments, feeling the air rush in and out of me. Waiting for my mind to stop spinning. Finally, I carefully sit up.

  The first thing I take notice of is the bed beneath me. My bed. My room. The next thing, is him.

  His back is to me as he rests both palms against the wall, across the room. His head hangs down, the muscles in his shoulders and back rippling with tension. Even from here, with the slight angle of his face I can see, it’s obvious the way his jaw clenches and his chest heaves.

  “Enzo . . .”

  Slowly, he turns. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so livid. His body is the definition of rigid as he reins in his anger, and I’m afraid he’s going to burn my room down with the heat radiating off of him.

  “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t know that was going to happen, I swear.”

  He says nothing, lips pressed into a thin line.

  “I was just trying to get your attention.” As soon as I say the words, I wish I could swallow them back down. I want to cringe at how pathetic they sound.

  “You think this is a game?” He inches closer, just barely, and my pulse spikes. “You think your fate, your life, is something to mess with just to get my attention?”

  My gaze follows the tightening of his fists, before he scrubs a hand down his face.

  “No.” I shake my head. “No, but you wouldn’t answer me, and we’re running out of time—”

  “Time for what?” I see it begin to snap, the tension coursing through him. His hand rakes through his hair and his voice is rough. “For what, goddammit? To fix me? To save me? You can’t fix me, Lou.” He takes another step closer, looks me dead in the eye. “You. Can’t. Fix. Me.”

  Everything about him in this moment makes me want to shrink back and cower. But I see what he’s trying to do, and I refuse to be scared away. I force myself to sit up straighter, my voice rising with his. “That’s just it. I’ve been reading more about it, and it’s a glitch. That’s all it is. Meaning you aren’t meant to be there, Enzo. You really are meant to be here, just like I said before. And if you’d just calm down and talk to me about it for five minutes then maybe I can get you to understand.”

  He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, like he’s trying to calm himself. “What is it you think I need to understand?”

  My lips part to speak, but I don’t know how to form the words. How can I put this in a way that won’t run him off again?

  He moves closer, watching me struggle to get a grasp on my thoughts, until he’s looming over me. “You want me to understand that me staying here with you is worth the risk. You want to see if this can work. If we’ll defy the odds. You want us to be together, here, like normal people. Is that what you want to say?”

  I swallow, my voice small when I answer, “Yup. Pretty much sums it up.”

  Something softens in his eyes as he gazes down at me, but the tension never leaves his body. The taut lines of muscle. The restraint in his posture. He’s close to me now. So close I feel his breath when he speaks, and every bone in my body aches to reach out and touch him.

  “We are not normal people, Lou. I am not normal. Every minute I’m here ties me closer to this world and pushes you further away. Every minute I’m here is a death sentence to you.”

  I shudder, his alarming words resounding a little too harshly in my ears.

  He seems to notice, because he’s leaning in. His hand comes up, fingers about to brush the hair from my face when he stops midair. Balls his hand into a fist and drops his arm to his side. “This is your life we’re talking about.”

  “Exactly. My life.” I tuck my hands beneath my thighs to hide their trembling. He needs to see my confidence in this decision, not my fear. “My choice.”

  “No.” He shakes his head, taking a step away from me as his expression hardens, and the shift leaves me longing for him to come back. Come closer. “I’m not giving you the choice, Lou. You’re not thinking clearly.”

  I narrow my eyes. “Like hell I’m not.”

  “You’re not,” he growls quietly, working his jaw. “You’re only wanting this because of who I am as Death. Because of the pull I carry with me from the other world. You wouldn’t be saying these things if I was just me, as Enzo. If you weren’t connected to me through this . . .” He pauses, running a hand through his hair before gritting the next words out. “This damn thing forcing you to feel this way. It’s making you blind.”

  My budding fear dissipates at that, certainty taking its place, strengthening me. I push off the bed and stand, my face inches from his, my voice ringing with conviction. “It may seem irrational. And yeah, maybe I am making a stupid decision. But I am not blind. I know exactly why I want this, and I want it because of you. That’s never going to change.”

  The hard mask he’s wearing falters, letting me glimpse the flurry of emotion that hits him at my words. Pain. Grief. Joy. Every tiny detail in this moment calls to me. The way he’s leaning forward, eyes dropping to my lips. The ridges o
f his arms as his muscles tighten. But then, he pulls back again, taking an extra long step away from me.

  So I take an extra long step toward him.

  He stiffens. Swallows.

  I press on. “So you could fight it. Pretend it’s something less than it is. Push me away. But I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to find a way to get you out of there. To get you here, where you belong. Where you can live the life you deserve to live. Because you do deserve it, Enzo.” My voice quivers, eyes watering as I try to keep the tears from spilling. To stay strong for him. “You deserve so, so much. So much more than me.”

  There’s a glimmer in his gaze, a glint from the emotion he struggles to keep hidden. When his hand comes up, his thumb brushing over my bottom lip in that tender way only he can manage, I breathe out a sigh and my eyes flutter closed. God, I need you, Enzo. If only you knew how much I need you.

  He’s quiet, gentle, when he responds, the smoothness pouring into my chest like creamy, melted chocolate. “There are so many things I could stand here and tell you. So much I want to say, but I won’t. I won’t tell you how much I wish I could kiss you right now. How I just want to hold you and never let go. I won’t tell you how you make me fucking crazy. How you’re the only thing I know now, the only thing I ever want to know. And I definitely won’t tell you I want the darkness to take me back, make me forget again, so it won’t kill me so much to be away from you.”

  I don’t know when my fingers wrapped themselves around the hand grazing my lips, but I feel it when they tremble against his. The tremble continues down my spine, making my body shake as tears pour over.

  His eyes follow the stream, dropping to my lips as they do, and he wipes it away with a soft, slow swipe of his thumb. “But I will tell you this isn’t something for you to fix. That your life, your real life, begins now. I’m walking away tonight, Lou.” There’s no shred of doubt on his face. Nothing but a calm, solid certainty that I know cannot be breeched. “And this time . . . this time I won’t be coming back. So don’t try to find me.”

  He pulls back, taking what’s left of my heart with him. With each step he takes away from me, he fades a little more. With each step he takes away from me, an empty echo reverberates in my chest.

  Reminding me of what I’ve lost.

  Chapter 46

  The cold water I splash on my face does nothing to clear my mind. I look up, hardly recognizing the girl in my reflection. She stares at me with dazed brown eyes, dark circles shadowing them. Her lips are pale, just like her skin, and her hair falls wild and thick down her back. She’s tired and broken in ways she never knew she could be.

  I didn’t sleep last night. Didn’t even try. But I did spend every second of every hour thinking of ways to get through to him. To get him to come back to me. Yet here I stand, almost fourteen hours later, still achingly aware that nothing will change his mind. Nothing will bring him back to me.

  With shaky fingers, I button the coat I’ve slipped on. I’m going to Mr. Blackwood. I’m going to tell him everything and get him to help me. To help Enzo. Yes, I realize it’s probably useless. Yes, I realize that if Mr. Blackwood couldn’t figure it out over the past twenty plus years, he won’t figure it out over the next few days. Or even weeks. Or maybe ever. But I can’t give up. I can’t let go.

  I won’t.

  I head into the hall, my body almost numb as I make my way down the stairs. I’m almost to the main floor when a familiar, bubbly giggle hits my ears. The sound has me tensing, making me all too aware of how disconnected I feel from reality right now.

  The first thing I see is Claire’s blonde hair, straight and sleek as usual. She’s in a purple cardigan, with a color-coordinated ribbon around her ponytail and matching purple flats. She looks like she’s doing a little better. I almost find it in me to smile.

  Almost.

  “Lou! Morning, sleepyhead.” She nudges my elbow then gestures to the person on the other side of the desk.

  Bobby’s standing there, a soft smile on his face as his eyes linger on her. He tears his gaze away to turn to me, then lets out a low whistle as he looks me up and down. “You know I love you, but you look like hell.”

  “Thanks.”

  Claire’s mouth twists into a frown as she observes the same thing as Bobby. “Hey, you okay?”

  “No. How about you?”

  She smiles softly, but I can see the sadness hasn’t totally left her eyes. “I’ll get there.” I take her hand and give it a little squeeze. At least that makes one of us. “So Bobby came by to see you.”

  I shoot him a look that says I’m not up for chitchat, and he holds his hands up in mock surrender. “Whoa there, obviously not the best time. Just lettin’ you know I’m going home in two weeks.”

  “You are?” The words take me by surprise, and an unexpected wave of uneasiness hits me. I know it’s selfish, but I was just getting used to having him here with me. Being my friend again, like he was all those years ago. I don’t know if I can lose another person in my life right now. “Why two weeks?”

  He shrugs. “Gotta wrap up the contract on the temp job I picked up in the city. Otherwise that’d be plain irresponsible, and you know it’s against my nature to be irresponsible.”

  My lips twitch up, and a grin stretches across his face as he points an accusing finger. “Ha! Gotcha.”

  I roll my eyes, ignoring Claire’s matching grin. “Shut up.”

  “Nah, seriously though. What’s going on with you?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it. In fact,” I stop and gesture toward the clock hanging behind the desk, “I gotta go.”

  Claire grabs my hand just as I take the first step. “Come see me later. When you’re ready to talk about it. Okay?”

  I don’t answer for a minute, because I don’t know what to say. That I’ll never be able to tell her? That there’s no way she’d understand what’s going on with me? The realization alone deepens the ache in my barren chest, but eventually I nod. “Okay.”

  I turn away, and I’m halfway out the door when I stop and look back. “Hey, Bobby.”

  He arches a brow.

  “You can stay, you know. I mean, just if you want. It’s not so bad having you around.”

  His mouth tilts up, blue eyes twinkling. “Thanks. Not so bad hangin’ around, either.”

  We stare at each other for a second, a peaceful sort of understanding filling the gap between us, then I give them both a wave and step outside. Turns out a lack of sleep doesn’t make walking harder. In fact, it’s almost easier when you’re in a foggy daze, never quite feeling the impact of your footsteps.

  Mr. Blackwood’s door is locked when I arrive, which is strange since I know he’s home. Not only is his car parked out front, but another vehicle I don’t recognize sits beside his. A guest? Another clairvoyant, maybe? That thought sparks an eagerness within me, reigniting what little determination I have left, and I give the door a quick rap. I wait a moment, expecting to hear the thump of his steps moving toward the foyer as I usually would, but I get nothing. I knock again, harder this time. After a minute, I hear it. Thump, thump, thump.

  I take in a breath and place one hand on the handle, ready to get to work. Except the door doesn’t open. Instead, Mr. Blackwood’s voice booms through from the other side, grumpy as ever. “You’re relieved from duty.”

  I frown, certain I misheard him. “What?”

  “I said you’re relieved! Go home. Celebrate. Get drunk.”

  “Mr. Blackwood, I’m not leaving.”

  “Well then I hope you brought an umbrella. I hear it’s about to rain.”

  I look up at the clouds. Sure enough, they’re grey and murky. Just my luck. “Let me in. I have to talk to you.”

  “No can do. I’m no longer in need of your services.”

  I let out a growl and bang once on the door. What the hell? “I’m serious. It’s about Enzo.”

  There’s a long pause. So long I wonder if he’s walked away. But when he speaks
again, his voice is somehow closer. Like he’s standing right on the other side of the door. “Drop it, Lou. I am, and you need to, too.”

  “What? You can’t drop it!” I don’t care that I’m shouting, and the anger spiking my adrenaline sure doesn’t either. I inch closer, ensuring he can hear every word I say next. “You don’t understand. I know Enzo. I’ve seen him. I know where to find him.”

  He goes silent again, and I try to imagine what must be going through his mind. Does he even believe me?

  When whole minutes pass and he still says nothing, the anger only soars again. “You’re so close!”

  To my surprise, he answers to that. “No, I’m not. Not by a long shot. It’s over, all right? Now I need you to leave.”

  I scoff, pounding my fist again. “Oh, is that what you need? Well I need you to open up this stupid door and get to work with me. I need . . . I need you to have faith.” I squeeze my eyes shut because, god, I don’t want to cry again. Soon there won’t be anything left. “He needs you. Y-you can’t just give up on him.”

  He doesn’t respond, but his silence answers me just as well. He’s not about to open the door. “Fine! I’ll sit here all day if I have to, you know.”

  Still nothing. I know he’s still standing there, though. His thumps would’ve given him away otherwise. I take a step back, lowering myself down and leaning my back against the wall.

  He wants to be stubborn? Well, two can play that game.

  I’m drenched. This isn’t just a light drizzle, but a full on raging downpour. It whips its way in every direction, teaming up with the wind to get to me despite the partial covering above my head. I’m shivering so hard my teeth chatter, but I’m not about to budge. If Enzo can put up with a dark void sucking the very life out of him as I sit here, on this porch, I can deal with a little rain.

  I don’t know how long I stay like that before the door creaks open, and a plate and sleeping bag are slipped out. All I can focus on is that slight opening, allowing me to see into the living room. And I lunge. The door slams shut, just before it can take my hand with it. I growl. Again. Like a dog being banned from going inside with the rest of the family. I almost chuckle at that thought, but then I realize the lack of sleep and food is making me delirious. I stare at the plate. A slice of pizza stares at me. We stare at each other.