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Chapter 4
DEMONS
I'd gotten hired right away in Stockton. There I was in the Palace Barbershop cutting hair, first day in town. I'd never actually done humans before, but the dogs I'd trimmed always seemed happy enough. Folks would come from miles away with their long-haired dogs when I was growing up. I'd groom them and they always seemed content. After three hours, no one complained and I'd even gotten a few tips. Then some boat captain who wanted a shave came in.
It's amazing how much the human face can bleed before it stops.
They didn't even fire me. I was expected back the next day, so I headed off to Mrs. Bunyan's rooming house. I arrived just in time for supper. We had ham with mashed potatoes and some sort of greens. It was right tasty and included with the rent. As I relaxed with the other borders, two old women who smelled funny and some guy just out of the cavalry, Mrs. Bunyan approached me with an odd expression on her face.
"Mr. O'Malley."
I looked at her, expecting more words. “Yes?"
"There's a gentleman to see you. He's in the back yard. Refuses to come inside."
I picked myself up from the too-low chair and followed her to the back door. I looked out. It was very dark. And there was somebody there—somebody very large standing in the yard, wearing a top hat. As I approached, I recognized him. Ellul looked completely out of place, wearing a jacket and top hat. In the darkness, he could nearly pass for a large man. “Ellul?"
"Mister wants to see you,” he informed me.
I shrugged. “Sure. Where is he?"
"In his office,” the demon in the top hat explained.
"Uh, where might that be?” I was afraid I already knew the answer.
"In his office. We go now.” He climbed up on a white horse. He seemed to expect me to climb on behind him.
I hesitated. “I'll get my horse."
I jogged three blocks to the livery. Paul was in the wrong stall—a stall with an Appaloosa mare. I tossed his saddle on his back. When I had him saddled up, he stood there and didn't move. “Dang it, Paul. You are my horse, and, for once, let's do what I want."
The horse reluctantly started moving. He didn't seem at all pleased to see Ellul.
"How come they sent you?” I asked.
"Because he wants to see you,” Ellul replied.
"You don't exactly fit in, big guy."
"I do what Mister says."
"Fair enough,” I decided. “Let's go, Paul.” Now, even though I was going along with this, it doesn't mean I wasn't concerned about it. I'd liked things a whole lot better when they came to me.
"Don't eat anything,” Ellul warned.
"Excuse me?” I asked.
"Don't eat anything in hell,” he repeated.
"Food's that bad?"
"You can't come back."
I asked him “You ever eat anything?"
"Of course."
"You got out.” He didn't seem to like my observation. We rode along in silence for the better part of an hour. Eventually, we turned onto a narrow trail that turned onto a still narrower one. It reminded me more of a deer trail than a path for horse traffic. Once again, we entered a dark railway tunnel. “How'd they get into hell before the railroads?” That remark also went unanswered. This bunch from hell, so far, all lacked much of a sense of humor. Our tunnel branched off into another one. Then, finally, we stopped at a gate. And I do mean stopped. Paul planted his hooves and would not budge. I climbed down.
"We go on foot. Not much farther,” Ellul announced.
This gate was bigger than the other one. But it was equally unimpressive, rusted over and kind of tilted. Ellul opened it, and I followed him inside, then he shut it. There didn't seem to be any lock on it. With the recent helmet episode in mind, I kind of wondered about their security measures, but decided not to ask.
Once again, he seemed to know my thoughts. “Mortals and spirits cannot pass, unless it is opened.” We walked a few paces, then he added, “Only demons can open the gates of hell."
That meant, if interpreted literally, I'd just willingly walked into hell and could never return unless they allowed me to. My grandmother always thought I was a real moron. At that moment, I thought she might just be right. So, I put my hands in my pockets and strolled along with a demon in hell, determined to make the best of things.
The first thing that hit me was the place is uncomfortably warm. And it stinks. The source of the aroma soon became apparent. We rounded a bend and there was the famous fiery lake. It was bigger than I'd expected.
The odor of brimstone wafted off the water and permeated the surrounding air. It was actually kind of pretty, with the yellow flames reflecting off the turquoise water. Some sort of algae seemed to give the water its color.
Ellul blurted out “It stinks,” as we walked along, “like sewer."
He was quite right, but I didn't say anything. This demon was not anything I'd expected in a demon. Of course, nothing out of hell was quite what I'd expected. I wasn't ready to jump on the hell bandwagon, but things were surprising me, nonetheless.
We soon arrived at a row of chariots. He climbed on board one, and I followed. Then a team of young naked men raced up and into the harnesses. And we started moving. We entered a city that overlooked the lake.
A lot of different folks were taking an interest in me. I guess demons didn't drive ordinary people around in chariots very often. I guess the people were, or had been, dead. How this all works was never really explained to me.
I know there's some mention of a born-again process in the Bible. But they were there, looking out windows of their tall apartment house buildings. As we moved further into town, the buildings seemed to get bigger. And, in the center, was an ornate, maybe even gaudy, palace perched on a slight hill, making it just barely the tallest structure around. It looked like marble. It reminded me of Egyptian styling, though I'd only seen a few pictures of buildings in Egypt, so I wasn't sure.
Ellul, once again, seemed to anticipate what I was thinking. “Based on the Library at Alexandria, before it was burned. Crummy copy.” Something brown and smelly landed on top one of the chariot pullers. Ellul immediately hurled a fireball off in the direction it came from. I never did see the actual attacker. “We're here.” The chariot stopped. “Go up the steps."
I did. The chariot and Ellul drove away. As I went inside I was greeted, or more accurately confronted, by a really big demon. “Who are you supposed to be?"
"Miles O'Malley. I'm expected."
"I'm not expecting you,” he countered.
"I am here to see Mr. Mephistopheles."
He let out a laugh. “Now, I know you're lying. Nobody ever wants to see him. What are you going to steal?"
I didn't really care for his attitude. “I am here to see Mr. Mephistopheles. I will be sure to let him know who kept me waiting."
He shrugged. “Go on then.” He pointed down a long marble corridor. “Down the hall, through the big doors."
So, I ventured down the hall and through the big doors. On the other side of the doors sat ten demons, all in a row. Next to them was a regular sized door.
The demon nearest the door stood and opened the door. “Mr. O'Malley to see his greatness."
Inside that door sat Janus, behind a really immense wooden desk. She came around and hugged me. She was wearing about the flimsiest thing I'd ever seen. It didn't conceal much. It was a short white dress, loose at the top and barely covering her lower intimacies. She was not wearing undergarments. “Miles.” She pointed at a chair. “Sit down, Miles.” I did.
To my surprise, she sat on my lap and put her head on my shoulder. “My hair doesn't smell like shit."
She was right about that, though it seemed an odd way to start a conversation.
"Mabel says you want to do a threesome.” She started licking my ear.
"I can't wait.” Then she looked toward another door, on the side of the office. “Oh, pooh.” She
got off of me. “He'll see you now.” She ventured over to the door and opened it.
I followed. This office was very nicely furnished. It had a sort of earthy color scheme. I recognized a few Navajo patterns on the rugs hanging on the walls. A barrel cactus was growing in a pot in the corner. One wall was mostly a huge picture window providing a view of the fiery lake. Janus seated me, then left.
A moment later, another door opened and Nick entered. “Miles.” I shook his clammy hand. “Miles, good to see you again.” He was holding a violin, which he placed in the corner, against the wall. “Fellow bet me that he could outplay me. Wagered his soul against a few more years as president of his country. I play a mean fiddle, Miles.” He sat down at a modest desk that was half the size of Janus's. “He gave up in thirty seconds. Packed it right in.” Nick opened up a wooden box. “Cigar, Miles?"
"No thanks. I don't smoke."
"You should. You'll live longer. Reduces stress,” Nick explained. He lit up his cigar. “Ah."
"Quite a place you've got here.” It was all I could think to say.
"Isn't it? Keep in mind, Miles, that Bible was put out by our competitor.” He took another long drag on his cigar. “Miles, it seems we've got a bit of a problem.” He opened his desk drawer and removed a drawing. “This is the angel Ralph."
Like Buffy, that seemed an odd name for an angel. “Ralph?"
"Yes, Ralph. It seems he's gone up to earth for some reason. At first, I just thought he'd made peace with God and run back to heaven.” Nick grinned. “Well, that was rather silly on my part. Now, he's supposedly in the Sacramento River area working in the maritime industry."
"On a barge?"
"Or perhaps a ferry or something. We can't have this Miles. We simply can't. It's one thing to go out for a message, but angels can't live with the mortals. It just isn't the way things are done.” Nick snuffed out his cigar into a black obsidian ashtray. “Miles, I need you to take Ellul and go and fetch him back."
"What if he won't come?"
"Then you'll have to kill him, Miles,” Nick stated coldly. “Now, I know that sounds cruel."
That was an understatement.
Nick continued, “But, it's not like he was ever alive, in a mortal sense, anyway."
I didn't really understand what he meant. “I don't want to do this."
Undaunted, he placed a box of bullets on the desk. “There's a metal called titanium. It's not used much. It requires high temperatures to work it, and it's too hard for bullets. That's why these are titanium, with a silver coating. Consider them very expensive."
"I don't want to do this,” I insisted.
He continued unfazed, “Now, an angel has limited power on Earth. But, be careful. He certainly can easily confuse or trick you. If he won't come back with Ellul, shoot him. This titanium, most mortals have no idea, is what the Greek Olympian gods used to kill off the Titans. They made spears out of it. That's why the metal is named after them. It can kill an angel. And, I'd just as soon that not be widely known."
He stood up and picked up his fiddle. “I've got an engagement. I'm playing down by the lake. I'm really good, Miles. Pity, you won't have time to hear me play,” Nick boasted.
"I don't want to do this,” I told an empty room.
The door behind me opened. “Ellul is here for you,” Janus said.
"I don't want to do this,” I repeated as I followed her down the long corridor to the front of the building. Two demons, including the one who accused me of larceny, gave us a wide berth as we walked by.
"I thought there was only one God. What's all this talk about the Olympians and Titans?” I'd actually been wondering about this since the Hades helmet episode.
She shrugged. “Sure, there's one now.” She stuck out her chest, just a bit, to change the subject and divert my attention from thinking. “Mortal women were designed after angels like me and Mabel, Miles,” Janus said. Then she grabbed me and kissed me. “See you.” She waved at Ellul. Next, she snapped her fingers and disappeared in a shower of orange and golden sparks.
It took me a moment to recover from her kiss. I staggered down the marble steps and climbed aboard the chariot. We had only gone a short ways when a glob of brown stuff landed on the head of the boy right in front of me, the last in the line of pullers. Ellul reared back his powerful arm and hurled a fireball. I had not been all that impressed with these fireballs before, but this one struck some bloke square in the chest, knocking him down. The flames engulfed him and he ran away screaming in the direction of the big fiery lake.
Unconcerned with the recent event Ellul asked, “You like angel? You like Janus?"
"Yes, I like her. How could I not like her?” My knees were still weak, just from her kiss.
"She has the job that should go to a demon,” he said. I couldn't tell if he was jealous or simply filling me in.
"I'm told the angel Buffy has a similar job in heaven.” I didn't want to upset him, but I saw a real opportunity to get some answers about things mortals, like me, usually just guess at.
"Buffy has the job that would go to a cherub,” Ellul said. “She is only an angel. We don't have archangels in hell, but in heaven, she's even over them. When Mister found out God had made Buffy his secretary, Janus was suddenly his secretary. He never even had a secretary before then. No one ever wants to see him."
"Oh.” I was completely at a loss for words. “God sent his own secretary to see me on Earth?"
"No. She was sent to find the angel Ralph,” Ellul said.
That deflated my head a little bit.
"Buffy very pretty,” he said as he yanked the reins and the boys pulling us increased their pace. He was right about that, too.
Paul and Ellul's horse were both waiting right where we'd left them.
We were soon out of the railroad tunnel and on our way back to Stockton.
* * * *
I had to barber the next day, so I caught up with Ellul at his campsite that evening. I had a whole weekend off. It wasn't payday anywhere, and the regular customers refused to let me cut their hair, so the boss threw in an extra day. I hoped we could get this over by then. “So, how do we find him?” I asked.
He pointed out at the water. “There's the river. We wait until he comes by,” Ellul said.
"That's it? What if he doesn't come by? We've got a drawing of him,"
I argued. “We can ask questions."
"I don't look like you,” Ellul replied. “I scare people. People are afraid of demons."
He had a point. The only reason I hadn't run away from him when I first saw him was on account of my foot being stuck under the ore track.
"Well, how about I ask around, and you can wait here and keep an eye on the river?"
"Okay.” He found a log to sit on and just sat there by the water.
Paul and I headed for town. Most of my customers had been ranchers. The river folk seldom came to our barbershop to be butchered by the likes of me. We'd only made it a few miles when I dang near fell off my horse.
There was a beautiful blonde woman lying on top of a rock. We were right next to her. I wanted to politely exit the situation, but Paul completely ignored my tugs on the reins. He went over to her. I had no choice but to go along. When she rolled over onto her back, I realized it was Buffy. She opened her eyes and looked at me.
"The sun is so nice. In heaven, I get so little time to just stretch out in the sun like this.” She sat up.
"Uh, yeah, but I don't mind, really.” It made no sense, but it's what babbled out.
"Miles, mortals can't see angels, unless we want them to,” Buffy explained. “Problem is, once an angel has revealed herself to you, we can't conceal ourselves anymore. Thanks to Janus, I can't hide from you. Everyone else would've just ridden on by."
"It was Paul that noticed you,” I blabbered out.
She climbed off her rock and adjusted her pretty blue dress. “I was waiting by the river, hoping an old friend would drop by."
"You me
an Ralph?” I asked.
"You know about him?” She seemed somewhat alarmed.
"Sure, Ellul's down the river doing the same thing.” I wondered if that was a wise admission. “I was going into town, to ask around."
"How did you get involved in this?” she cautiously asked me. “I thought you were working as a shaver or barber or something."
"Nick asked me to help find him.” I decided to hold off telling her about the killing him part.
"I think you're going to get into deep trouble some day if you keep working with that bunch,” Buffy warned. “What did he offer you?"
I shrugged. “Nothing. It's more of a favor."
That brought a very puzzled expression to her face, but she said nothing. “Can I ride with you?"
"Sure."
She climbed up behind me and put her arms around my waist. It was not at all unpleasant. Her hair did not smell like shit, either. “Miles, you have an advantage in finding Ralph. Angels can sense when another one of us is around."
"And I'm not an angel,” I said, always stating the obvious. “But I can see them."
"Exactly.” She kind of gave me a little squeeze. Then she eased up and tapped my sidearm. “I had a horrible thought. What kind of bullets are you carrying in there?"
"The ones Nick gave me,” I replied. “Titan something."
"Titanium?” Her voice seemed a little higher.
"That's it."
"Nick gave you Titanium bullets? You realize that Nick himself is vulnerable to them? And he just gave them to you?"
I had not really thought of that. “Yep, just handed them over.” I could kill the devil. It was an intriguing idea. But Nick had been pretty good to me.
"Miles, no matter what happens, you must destroy those bullets when this is over—no matter what. Promise me,” she demanded. “Promise."
"You don't want me to shoot Nick?"
"No, absolutely not. Hell is a terrible place, and Nick is an unbelievable jerk. But, can you imagine what it would be like if he wasn't there to keep order? Until God says to kill him, and only then, don't even think about it. Understand?"
"Okay,” I agreed. “It had never even occurred to me that I could shoot Nick until she'd brought it up.
The Two Devils Page 5