by Quinn Ward
Trevor ran his fingers over the gold, reading the simple sentiment etched into the surface. Every step of the way.
He didn’t look at me, didn’t react in any way to what I’d said. The urge to snatch back my gift and tell him to forget it was strong. It was too much for him, too soon. But for better or worse, he deserved to know how serious this was for me. I shrugged, ignoring the churning of my stomach. “It’s supposed to be a reminder. I know things have been crazy since we started school, and they’re only going to get worse as both of us take harder classes. I wanted you to have a way to remind yourself that, even if we aren’t together, I’m there with you.”
“It’s perfect,” Trevor reassured me. The peaceful reverence in his voice threatened to buckle my knees. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess when it comes to us. Sometimes, I worry you’re going to get sick of waiting around for me to be comfortable enough, secure enough, to tell my family how much I love you.”
I wouldn’t lie to Trevor and tell him it didn’t matter if or when he got to that point. It did, but I knew he didn’t do it because he was ashamed; he hadn’t told them because they likely wouldn’t accept it, and like me, he wanted to protect what we felt from any ugliness.
“We’ll get there, babe,” I promised him. “When the time is right, we’ll deal with all of it together.”
“Together.” Trevor interlaced his fingers with mine and started walking closer to the tree. We needed to get moving if we were going to see the show, but right then, I couldn’t bring myself to care. I’d taken the biggest leap of my life and was caught up in the knowledge that Trevor would jump with me.
13
Trevor
I tugged the cuff of my sweater over my wrist as Dad and I waited for Mom to finish getting ready for Christmas dinner at my grandma’s house. We’d been so busy since returning from New York that I hadn’t seen Gabe in two days. That wasn’t long, but it felt like a lifetime to me. I’d wished he’d been with me when Mom sat me down to hear all about the trip. But then, I’d realized how quickly I’d grown accustomed to having him close to me and decided it was better this way. We needed to be careful around one another until I managed to man up.
I needed to figure out how I could come out to my parents without simultaneously letting them know I was in a relationship with the one person I knew they’d never accept as the person I wanted to spend my life with. Still, I’d been restless since he’d stolen a kiss goodnight a few blocks from home before dropping me off. Neither of us would be truly content while I kept such a vital piece of my existence a secret. Today would be our first true test, the first time we’d been forced to spend time together in front of our families since experiencing what it felt like to be happy and free.
“You okay, bud?” Dad startled me and I jumped. He eyed me, silently telling me he knew I was lying to them about something. I didn’t make a habit of lying to them, not only out of respect, but because I sucked at it. I nodded, unwilling to say anything that’d cause him to ask questions. “You sure? You seem awfully quiet ever since you came home. Did something happen between you and Gabe?”
“No!” The reaction was instant and a bit too loud to avoid drawing suspicion. So much had happened, but nothing I was going to share with Dad. Not yet. If anyone in my family could be an ally through this, it was him. He’d never judged me for anything, always told me I could do whatever I wanted in life as long as I was truly happy. Did that sentiment extend to falling in love with Gabe?
Dad checked the time and led me into his den. Where the rest of the house was light and airy, a nod to Mom’s style, this room was all rich colors and dark wood. The faint scent of lemon furniture polish hung in the air, just as it had my entire life. Dad motioned for me to sit on the leather couch and sat next to me rather than in the recliner he preferred.
“Trev, I need to ask you something.” He wrung his hands in his lap, as though this were difficult for him. Yeah, well welcome to the club because I was about ready to lose my damn mind. My heart raced as I realized Dad knew something. Maybe—probably— not everything, but he knew. Why else were we having this discussion down here, away from Mom?
I swallowed hard and sucked in a sharp breath. I could make him ask the question on his mind or I could take control of the situation and give him what I hoped was enough information that he’d back off for the time being. “Dad, I need to tell you something first.”
“Okay.” He reached out for my hand, squeezing gently as he watched the expression on my face falter. “Whatever it is, you know we’ll still love you. No matter what.”
“I know,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure how far that love extended. This was pretty big. They’d never given me a reason to feel like their love was conditional, but I still doubted his sincerity.
“Does this have something to do with you and Gabe?” he asked when the words wouldn’t work themselves past the lump in my throat. I nodded. “And whatever it is, you think we’ll judge you for it?” I nodded again, grateful that he was letting me off the hook. Dad slid closer to me on the couch and draped his arm over my shoulders. “Tell me, Trevor. If you’re not ready to say anything to your mother, I won’t force you. I won’t say anything, either, not without warning you first.”
“You’d lie to her for me?” I gaped at him, wondering if this was a dream, because he was the one who always insisted on honesty, even when it wasn’t easy.
“Son, there are times in life when you have to temper the truth,” he told me. “Too many facts at once can be overwhelming. I told you your mom is struggling with you being away from home. She’s worried about you, and I think she’d like to know you’re okay. But if you dump everything that’s weighing you down onto her at once, she’ll have even more to worry about. So, I’m giving you the opportunity to get it off your chest without you having to bear that burden at the same time.”
“I think I understand.” But I didn’t, not really. I’d always believed no one would accept us, but now Dad was hinting that he knew and he didn’t seem angry with me.
“Maybe we should start small,” he suggested.
There was nothing small about this conversation. Every step felt impossible. Every revelation like walking through a field of landmines at night; the danger was there, but I couldn’t see it clearly.
“You have to say it, Trevor. I can’t do this for you.” I flicked at the cushion stitching, the rhythmic sound centering me until Dad reached over and stilled my hand. “I will guarantee you you’re making this out to be a much bigger deal in your mind than it is. Have we ever given you the impression we’d love you less if you didn’t follow a certain path in life?”
“No.”
“And have we ever knowingly minimized your feelings?”
“No.”
“Have we done anything to make you think we wouldn’t accept you, love you, just the way you are?”
“No.”
Dad smiled. “Okay, so with all of that fresh in your mind, why don’t you try and tell me.”
“I’m gay,” I whispered. My stomach flipped and I eased myself to the edge of the couch, just in case I needed to make a quick exit. Gabe once told me that saying the words out loud was freeing, but I felt like a prisoner waiting for a sentence to be handed down.
It didn’t matter how many ways Dad tried reminding me I was loved unconditionally, I was still waiting for him to tell me to leave his house. Instead, he pulled me against his side and kissed the top of my head. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d given me more than a quick hug, but I closed my eyes and cherished his comfort. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”
“That’s all you have to say?”
“What were you expecting, Trevor?” He pulled back and I finally looked at him, ready for censure in his gaze. There was none. Only love and a hint of sadness. “I wish you’d realized sooner that you could’ve told us and it wouldn’t change anything, but this is your life. I’ve had my suspicions for a while but didn’t want to push
you before you were ready?”
“Then why now?” He could’ve easily kept his head buried in the sand. Could’ve kept waiting on me to be honest with him. What changed?
“You’re hurting. I see it; your mom sees it. She’s been trying to convince herself it’s because you’re homesick, but I had a different theory. Would you like to hear it?”
Nope. Today had already turned into a bit of a Christmas nightmare and I wasn’t sure I could handle more revelations into how transparent my life was. But the curiosity would kill me. “What do you think is messed up in my head?”
God, I sounded like an emo kid. It was annoying to my own ears, so I could only imagine how Dad felt hearing my sullen response.
“First of all, I don’t think anything is wrong with you, mentally or physically.” I didn’t realize how badly I needed his validation until I let out a deep breath. It was as though a weight had been lifted off my chest and I could finally get my lungs to function properly. “I think you and Gabe have grown close this past semester and that makes it difficult for you to be here. You’re worried about perceptions and opinions, and you’re making yourself miserable. Am I close?”
Unable to speak, I nodded, almost imperceptibly.
“Oh, Trevor.” Dad pulled me into the second strong hug of the morning, this time holding on for what felt like forever. “I won’t lie and say everyone’s going to be happy about this. Life definitely would’ve been simpler if you’d both met nice guys and gone on as best friends. But life doesn’t always follow the easy path. Sometimes, life is messy and you have to decide if you’re up to the challenge of putting everything back together.”
“I am, Dad.” I sat up straighter, realizing I would do anything to keep Gabe in my life and happy. That didn’t mean I was going to drop an atomic bomb at Christmas dinner, but I promised myself I would clean up the mess.
Mom called out, letting us know we were officially running late, which probably meant we were running the risk of being right on time. Mom lived for punctuality.
“You don’t have to say anything to your mom before you’re ready,” Dad reminded me. “And even then, it’s your decision how much you share with her.”
“So, you think I shouldn’t tell her about Gabe and me?” It still seemed surreal that he was encouraging me to keep something so important from her. It was beyond belief that he was so casually accepting of my relationship with someone who’d been family our entire lives. I had to wake up from this dream. Mom had to be hollering for me from the kitchen, trying to get me out of bed so we could go.
“I think it’d be for the best if you let her digest one truth before feeding her another. If it makes you feel any better, I’d tell you the same about introducing her to your boyfriend if it was someone you’d met at school.” Dad stood and I followed. “Maybe not for the same reason, but I don’t think it’s prudent to introduce your mom to everyone you’re dating. And you’re both still very young. There’s no telling if this is a passing fling or if it’s serious.”
I played with the bracelet on my left wrist. I’ll be there with you, every step of the way, Trevor. Gabe’s promise echoed in my mind, bolstering my courage to be honest with Dad.
“It’s not an experiment,” I told him. “You’re right, there’s no way to know for sure that we’ll last forever, but no one has that guarantee. But please, if you’re going to accept us the way you say you are, don’t play off what Gabe and I feel for one another as kids testing the waters now that we’re away from home. Don’t think it’s something we fell into because we were left unattended at school. If our circumstances were different, we’d have already been together for over a year. But we waited, because we knew the hurdles we’d have to face and didn’t want to sabotage our chances or disrespect any of you guys.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. It was wrong of me to minimize your feelings immediately after promising I wouldn’t start doing that now.” Dad seemed genuinely upset that he’d spoken without realizing what he was doing.
“It’s okay,” I assured him. “I’m still surprised you’re cool with this.”
“Trevor, I’ve known you and Gabe since you were born. There was a subtle shift a few years ago that got harder to ignore as you boys got older.”
“Do you think Mom and Gwen already know?”
“No, I’m pretty sure they still assume you’re straight and wonder if Gabe is going to find a nice boy now that he’s away from home. Little do they know you guys found each other long ago.”
“So you’re really cool with this?”
“Trevor, Randy, what’s taking you so long? We’re going to be late!” Mom yelled, more impatiently this time.
“We need to go, but the short answer is yes, I’m good as long as you’re happy.”
A wave of comfort washed over me as soon as we stepped inside my grandparents’ home. With Dad’s reassurances fresh in my mind, I didn’t worry so much about everyone figuring out that Gabe and I were dating and, instead, allowed myself to relax, the same as I had every other year. Carols played on the old stereo system. Everyone tried convincing Papa Joe to upgrade to more modern technology, but he was a purist, preferring his old record player and tube speakers. Secretly, I hoped he never made the transition because there was something settling about the occasional scratch of the needle and the rich tones you could never hear from modern speakers.
Deeper into the house, I knew the women would all be buzzing around the kitchen, trying to put the finishing touches on the traditional Christmas meal. The menu never changed, and if anyone didn’t like it, they’d have to deal with Gram. This was her feast and she served the same dishes today as she had when Gwen was a little girl, recipes handed down through the generations.
I stood in the middle of the front hall, closing my eyes and listening to the sounds of our patchwork family. The familiar footfall getting closer had me smiling. I turned and laid eyes on Gabe, who appeared as nervous as I’d felt earlier.
“Merry Christmas, Trev.” He gave me a quick hug, the type our entire family easily shared, and I wished he would’ve held on a second or two longer. I wanted his arms around me, longed for his lips against mine. We needed to find an empty room because there was no way I’d make it through the entire day without at least a kiss hello. It’d taken me longer than it had Gabe, but now that I’d become more open, it was impossible to lock those feelings away.
“Everything okay?” Gabe kept his voice low, not that it was necessary because the house was loud with the various conversations taking place.
“Yeah, I’m good.” I cocked my head to the side, motioning for Gabe to follow me up the narrow stairs to the second floor. We wouldn’t have much time, but I wanted—no, I needed—to tell him about my chat with Dad this morning. Not only to warn him Dad knew about us, but also to hopefully show him that I was trying to be honest about our relationship.
We ducked into the spare bedroom at the opposite end of the hall from the bathroom. No one should be this far down the hall until later tonight, and then only if someone decided they’d rather drive home in the morning.
As soon as the door closed, I pressed Gabe against the wall. He gasped, caught off guard by my determination. Our lips crashed together and I fought the need to grind my dick against his. It was going to be hard enough to explain red, swollen lips. I was pretty sure we’d be busted if we walked down with that just-fucked look on our faces and the spare room reeking like sex.
“That was one hell of a hello,” Gabe said when we broke the kiss in favor of breathing. He ran his hand along my side and my back arched towards him. I couldn’t wait until we got back to school and had the freedom to do whatever we wanted. “Thought you said no PDA while we were home.”
“You don’t have the monopoly on bad ideas.” I kissed him again, pressing my hand to the side of his face. “I missed you. Figured this might be my only chance to kiss you and I didn’t want to waste it.”
“You do like to make the best of any
opportunity,” he quipped. “What’s got you in such a good mood today?”
I looked away briefly, praying he wouldn’t be upset that I’d talked to Dad without giving him a heads up. I realized I was borrowing trouble, because there was nothing I could do to change it after the fact. “Dad and I had a long talk this morning.”
“About? Is everything okay?” He pushed away from the wall and led me over to the queen size bed. We sat next to one another, our thighs barely touching, hands folded together on his knee.
“Yeah, it’s fine. Good. Amazing, really.”
“Ba— Trev, you’re babbling.” I understood why he’d stopped himself from calling me babe, but I hated that he had to. I’d never admit it to him, but I loved it when he called me that. It was something only he said, and that made it special.
“Sorry, I’m still a bit out of sorts is all.” I lifted our joined hands to my mouth and kissed his fingers. “He knows about us, Gabe.”
“Oh shit, I’m sorry. I know you didn’t—”
I leaned in to kiss him, knowing it was the only way to shut him up. “It’s fine. I freaked a bit at first, but I think he’s okay with it.”
“Yeah?” Gabe seemed as shocked as I’d been.
“Yeah. He said he’d figured it out a while ago, maybe even before we did from the sounds of it, but he hadn’t wanted to push me to open up to him before I was ready.”