by Coco Houston
“Coco, get up, don’t let this bastard keep doing this to you. Stop doing this to yourself over him, recognise he is a waste of space, and don’t be sick also don’t push your pants please.”
Seriously. The thing is, if you play little houses with someone else’s husband, much like fire, you will get burned. In the game of being a mistress the stakes are always high. “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” The commandment rings in my head… but I did commit adultery and none of my white witch spells could stop him from leaving me to go to fucking Canada with HER! You didn’t try though, did you, Coco? My friends in my head silently torment me. (No! I did not lose the fucking plot by playing little houses. I lost my sense when I felt I loved him, do you hear me? I allowed myself to love him so much. I lost the will to live, never mind trying to do or make spells to keep him. Would that have worked? Yes, yes probably, you stupid bastards now just go away all of you.) I clamour silently back at them, knowing the real reason I did not use my magic was because perhaps that maybe he was the magic, my fucking real pure perfect magic.
Finally, I realise this can’t go on. Fuck Brad… Fuck Brad Blake, I don’t need him. I move my ass, getting up I go looking in the mirror, which reflects my deep tan, tired eyes, shadows under them but shiny messy, un-brushed hair, toned body, skinny now, far too thin, but at least the fantastic orange-coloured glossy nails compliment the colour of my skin perfectly… I still look good on the outside of me, “Do you really think so? Hmmm! Coco,” even though I’m so much falling apart inside.
I decide to make today about me instead of him. Believe it or not, he was controlling me from a distance by the way he was making me feel. I head into town for a sunbed in a salon, where everyone knows my name and I’m good friends with the manageress. As I lie in the warm glow of the sunbed, I relax to the scent of coconut and calming sounds of the easy-going/upbeat music, which lifts my mood, making all the worries of the world fade away. It makes me want to get up and dance (even when I’m lying on the sunbed, I find it difficult to lie at peace).
After my sunbed, I take my tanned arse to buy all my favourite food before heading hurriedly for home, now a storm is brewing out. I get my new PJs on then snuggled up on the sofa, time to watch a movie cuddled with my Chihuahuas and a hot chocolate. For dinner I decide on ham and pineapple pizza that conjures up happy memories, reminding me of day trips out with my children when they were young. For dessert I intend to have meringues filled with cream, which for once remind me of when I was a teenager and first fell in love. I smile, wondering where he is today. He was an ice hockey player who went back home to Toronto in Canada to play for Toronto Raiders, the ice hockey team. Oh my God! Whatever made me think of him today after all those years? Maybe, maybe because that makes two of them who fucked off to Canada and left me. How fucking ironic is that! I’m shaking as I make my coffee, I remember Gary told me if he had a ladder he would climb to the sky to pick a special star for me and make a necklace with it, and then I would never forget him. He went to Toronto. It hurt me so much; I willed my heart to stop beating. Brad fucking leaving hurt me even more. Forget about them both, I tell myself. I try to hold a bag of truffles as my hands tremble; they’re made by Thornton’s. When I worked there, I was only nineteen and being manageress was some of the happiest days of my life, things seemed simpler way back then.
Just after ten o’ clock I decide it is time to get my arse to my purple silk crib. How appropriate I feel like a lost child. Lying there, alone in the dusky room, as thunder rolls in the distance; my mind begins to fill with painful thoughts. I know I’m still missing him… needing him as much as ever. I am crying thinking about how he is now, yet again, back in that house with her, wondering if he’s in a bed with her! The little voices in my head keep telling me and they continue repeating themselves, “He left you, Coco. Left you to be with her, to fix his marriage with her.” Shut up now, PLEASE. I know he left me. He actually really and truly did go because he wanted too.
Later after midnight my phone is ringing. It’s flashing, Brad is calling… No way. No ghost of a fucking chance. It’s not done that for weeks, not since the last phone call he made, leaving me a voicemail in tears, begging me to wait for him, saying how much he loved me before he fucked off that morning to Canada with her. I don’t answer but the phone just keeps on ringing and ringing, it won’t stop. I go downstairs, make witches’ tea, and drink it sitting in my lounge. He keeps on calling. His wife must be sleeping now he is sneaking to phone me, bastard of the highest class! Still he keeps on calling. I retch and bring up pizza all over my sofa. I wipe my mouth, and then with my unsteady hands I shakily turn my phone off. Well, Brad can call but this time Coco won’t fall, I’m not having it. "Phone off ha-ha! Not having it! Phone off, ha-ha! Not having it!" This time Brad Blake can wait. Like he made me wait for him. I clean up then go back to bed.
Unable to relax at all, as heavy rain rattles against the windows, I get back up to look for Diazepam. Searching for sleep furthermore to kill this pain inside me, I need my No Way Josie pills. Finding them I spill out the bottle, those little tablets to me look like a million dollars’ worth of sparkling diamonds They are my peace, my world of obscurity,; they make me fly away to a place of pessimism… they eclipse my soul to fucking none existence, no more Brad Blake.
Six? Maybe eight should be enough, I think to myself, lifting the glass of orange juice to help me swallow them. At that moment for some unknown reason, I change my mind. Spitting them into the sink, I turn on the hot tap, trying to melt and rinse them down the drain; diamonds don’t dissolve and are easily retrieved from water I grab at them collecting the broken chalky white wet pieces. I run upstairs fling them in the toilet and pour the rest down the pan too. I flush it, standing watching the last of them disappear, I suddenly realise my golden nuggets of blissful sleep have gone forever. (My friends in my head are shouting at me: “Are you fucking daft, Coco? Why did you do that? You need them if not for Blake, then to help you from suffering withdrawal symptoms, which you will get, Coco, yes you will, given the amount you took.”)
In this moment it becomes horribly clear to me that I am an addict. I just have to force myself in a minute of madness to get rid of the stuff I need to get me through the fucking day and night, but that is only one addiction dealt with, I’m also physically and mentally needy of Brad Blake and the withdrawal symptoms suffered upon him leaving me must surely be infinitely worse than going cold turkey from drugs. The voice in my head chimes in again: “You need him too; you made him your hero, alas he also became your demon. Your married man left you, he destroys you and yet you still crave him. He will suck your blood like a vampire, but then again you stick to him like a leech.” Why must they say shit like that to me? But is it really shit, Coco? No chance of peace now! Music box starts to play soft music notes and that ethereal voice of an angel starts singing, “He loves me? He loves me not?!”
Monday, 4th May
Another unsettled, sleepless night, so I just get up out of bed and stay up after fretfully tossing and turning. I am beyond ill at ease, agitated and troubled knowing Brad Blake is back.
It’s still very early morning, yet my phone starts ringing, flashing Brad is calling. Here we go. I answer the phone this time, mustering the courage to stay strong, “Hello, Blake.”
“Coco, oh God! Coco, I’m so sorry I left you. I missed you so much; I will never leave you again ever. I’m back like I promised, please believe me, Coco, I would never hurt you.”
Brad’s voice rambles on with apologies, my mind phases out of the conversation. I start thinking about the last part I heard ‘I would never hurt you’. Never hurt me! What planet is he fucking on! How can he be so insensitive! Does he even realise what misery he has caused me? How much hurt I’ve suffered, the pain is beyond control; he has absolutely broken me resulting in me being unstable and disturbed.
I try to regain my focus on the present whatnot back to the phone. “Brad, Brad!” I yell down the phone to get him t
o shut him up for one minute. “When will I see you again?” I ask as I’d managed to stop his pish talk of making more promises he absolutely wouldn’t keep.
“I just told you, Coco, I’m going to pick you up tomorrow night for work. I will pick you up early as usual, because I need to talk to you, she asked me at the airport on the way home if her marriage was in trouble. I answered her question by asking her ‘What do you think?’ She asked me to tell her that I love her, and I couldn’t say those words because I still love you.” Silence. “Truthfully, I always have and always will. Whatever!” I hang up.
After that I switch my phone off. , I speak softly to myself, “I need to speak to you too, Brad, but only to say one word… Goodbye. No, two words actually, three words, Get to Fuck!” Tomorrow night I will be in control, I will change my life. I’ve already been through the worst, so surely it can only get better from here, right? Get rid of second bad habit. Won’t give him the glory of addiction.
Tuesday, 5th May
The next day is a blur for me, trying to decipher what is real by what is happening in my life. Brad comes to pick me up for work. I look out my window and there once again sits Brad Blake in his silver jeep. Just as he’d never left.
I walk out with my head held high and get into that jeep. I act robotic. I only function with severe coldness, without knowledge of anything, except what I’m programmed to do, which is to hold it together. Brad looks at me, he has tears running down his face; I ignore him. He’s very nervous. He tries to make small talk by telling me that his wife no longer wants him to come to take me to work, I’m not allowed to be in the jeep. Yet here I am, Brad. She wants to put all my CDs in the trashcan. Brad tries to reassure me by saying that he has kept my CDs at his mother’s house so that won’t happen, and he will be continuing to collect me for work without her knowledge. How fucking sugary sweet!
I can’t contain my emotions any longer. Robot malfunctions. “Well, it would seem you’ve fucking sorted your marriage out then? With her? Stupid me!” I burst out in anger.
“No, Coco, I sorted fuck all out, it is over. I never had sex with her in Canada; she makes me feel physically sick. She knows quite definitely that the marriage is in trouble and that I love you. She was told that straight to her face by me when she said I lusted after you but didn’t love you. When she called you a tart, I defended you as I told her I loved strawberry tarts, being sarcastic as I also told her I asked you out, I fell in love with you. I wanted you sexually, that I wanted you full stop. Her brother-in-law Felix said you were just a piece of ass, but I told him it was different not like that, because I have fell in love with you the moment I met you, besides I do want to be with you, Coco. I just need time to sort all of this out; I need a little time to think it over,” he sincerely begs me. I have heard those words somewhere before, those very words I once said to him a while ago, "I need a little time to think it over!" That is exactly what I did back then, think our relationship over, and that is what I for fucking sure should do right now too, only this time decide to hunt him, hunt him to fuck out my life for good.
As I look up into his eyes, I can see the fear of the realisation dawning on him that I am going to leave him. Memories of all the times Brad and I have had in this jeep come flooding back to me and I start crying. “I need to go, Brad, I need to leave; you know that I have to go,” I whisper to him through my tears. He obviously knows I am being serious as he goes pure white with shock when I tell him. He takes me in his arms; feeling him against me, I feel so light-headed I almost faint. I still feel way too much for him.
He undoes his seatbelt and pulls me towards him, kissing me hard with his tongue in my mouth. “God! I have really missed you so much, Coco. I want to make love to you, I need to be inside you,” Brad pleads to me, knowing I can see how hard he’d become.
This is the hardest part… to resist. It would be so easy as the temptation is unreal from his promises and kisses. I am fucked again: my addiction has returned. I have surrendered heart and soul; head and clitoris, I need him inside me as much as he needs to be there.
I manage to pull away “Brad, Brad we need to go, we are going to be late for work,” I force out from my breathlessness. Brad starts up the car, heading in the direction of the unit. We are back at the beginning of the game.
As we pull up at work, I decide I need to get a final answer from Brad. “Well, Brad… so, I’m to be your mistress once more then?” I ask hesitantly.
“No, long-term relationship. I love you, Coco, I don’t do mistresses. In my eyes you are my wife, even if she is on paper. You’re the woman I love, the woman I make love to, and I will marry you, Coco. I will never leave you again; I promise you that, Coco. I will never go anywhere again without you by my side,” Brad reassures me in a comforting and loving tone. “Fucking stupid Highland cow,” my imaginary friends say.
I believe him, because deep down I want to. We agree to continue the affair; he kisses me before we walk in to work. Suddenly, he made me feel that all the hurt is not so important anymore, it has all been laid to rest. “Stupid witch, Coco. You have learned nothing. You let the bastard win, are you really going to continue with the affair? Are you really that fucking daft? You might as well go and take down your White Witchcraft altar and reset it back up in your old Black Magic ways. Go follow Satan because on following Brad Blake, you are already half way there. Fucked in the dark and desperate side of this world!” the friends yell in disbelief. Brad leans over into the back seat, handing me a package, in it is little brown bear with the cutest face wearing tied round his neck a chocolate-coloured tartan ribbon. He had brought me it back from Canada. He explains how she tried to get him to buy a different one, a cheaper one as she thought it was for a patient at work. He says I told her no because unknown to her I wanted this one for you so I bought it. Then he explains he had also got me a large bottle of Canadian maple syrup but customs at the airport took it off him. He apologises he couldn’t get me some of the duty-free perfume as she was there. He, however, tells me that he’d buy me some perfume and maple syrup in town tomorrow. I am delighted with the little bear, I call him Toffee.
I enter the ward with a sparkling smile on my face, I can’t contain how I feel, I am so very ecstatically happy for the first time in weeks. The staff are looking at me mesmerised.
My charge nurse Bobby asks me with no surprise in his voice, “Is Brad back, Coco?”
I look up, replying enthusiastically, “Yes, Bobby, my Brad is back.”
The following week the affair finally goes back to our normal loving way, just as it was before he left for Canada. Brad sits me down, explaining to me that everything he was doing at the moment was so that he could remain in the house complying with just enough of her ideas, or so she thought, to be able to deal with her financial blackmail whilst also staying in a relationship with me. He would remain sleeping separately from her in the back bedroom of the house, there would never again be any sort of sexual relationship as that had finished years ago anyway. He would not go out socially with her, not even for the shopping now, in fact not go anywhere at all as he was affronted to be seen with her anyway. I make my rules, which he has to strictly follow, too. He asks that we both come to an agreement that we are to remain faithful to each other. I acknowledge that fact, agreeing but warning him if I ever find out he is behaving differently with her then he is finished for good. I mean it and he knows it. At least now we both understand where we stand. I can walk away at any time if I want to, I suppose; we both can, I guess, but for now I choose to stay, as does he.
The people at work continue to keep their mouth shut on our behalf, even defending the affair when she phones his work checking whether he is there. We have a system in place, if she phoned work when he was with me, they’d say he was on a constant; they would get him to call when he was free. They would notify us and he would call her back. He takes a lot of overtime; he works shifts half the time then staying over in hotels with me on the rest. On those nights
sometimes he’d go into his work on the way past to phone the house, asking her to tape football, showing the works’ number calling into the house phone. Game sorted, he made, we made a total arse of her while she understood I was out of his life, or so she thought.
Sometimes though I still feel raw as remembering everything that happened is a heavy burden for my heart to carry. He hurt me really bad on leaving me. I try moving on as we go about our happy lives together as if we didn’t have a care in the world. As far as I am concerned, to him I am his wife, fuck what the law says, we love each other! We often go out to Greenan Castle in the jeep, making love under the stars in front of the lovely view over Arran. But we are as fucked as that castle it stood in ruins.
12th/13th and 14th May
Brad phones me constantly, saying he misses me so much. One night he phones me at ten thirty, telling me he needs to make love to me so much that he asks me to take a taxi out to the Ailsa Hospital to meet him at midnight. Cinderella runs away from her prince at midnight, I am running to meet mine. I am so happy he is back to his normal self, our love is rekindling like a bonfire being lit. I buzz about getting ready, wondering how he managed to get out the house at that time of night, he must’ve said work phoned, so that means I have him for eight hours. I am glowing with happiness.
I take out some clothes, throwing on my jeans, thong and chunky cardigan (no bra). I style my hair all wild, put on my favourite Coco Chanel perfume and pull on my new Ugg boots Brad bought just as my hired transport arrives to take me to him.
As the cab pulls up, I see Brad has arrived. He is standing at his jeep. I fling money at the driver then jump out the car. I am running fast towards Brad, squealing loudly as I leap up into the air, Brad catches me in his arms; I kiss him hard on the mouth. We get in the jeep laughing; fuck knows what the car driver must be thinking as he turns to drive away! Well, it is on the grounds of a psychiatric hospital this took place I supposed, so perhaps he made an allowance for that in my behaviour. As Brad pulls away, he can hardly drive as the air is electric between us. He can’t keep his hands off me whilst driving with one hand. By the time we reach the breezeless luminescence of the unruffled beach, I am desperate to have Brad make love to me. It feels like is has been forever!