Folded Notes from High School

by Matthew Boren

  I guess I forgot me along the way. I forgot who I am. What I’m made of. You tried so hard to remind me, but I was basically deaf. You could have done sign language and I wouldn’t have gotten it, Stef. I guess that means I wasn’t deaf. I was dumb. Ignorant. Arrogant. All of it (IT).

  I’ve changed, though. I have. Going to Nashville, being immersed in Southern culture, changed me. I got to sit and meditate (thanks to you, my guru) and get clear. And clear I am, Stef. Clear as Ms. Bugg’s chalkboard after I got picked to squeegie it.

  And I miss your mom and her cooking. Why couldn’t she have rubbed off on my mom? Things I will probably not understand until I’m in college. There are so many things I bet I just won’t have the ability to get until I’m outta this town. All that is to say, Stef, I would LOVE to come over and have your mom’s dinner. I would love to talk and do our figure-life-out old-school conversation. And I am not assuming the Nantucket cottage offer still stands, but I can’t think of a better way to bid South High an official farewell. In a cottage on an island with my best friend.

  I will keep writin’ you until you can find it in your heart to forgive me this one last time. Hey, I imagine siblings fight and make up a ton, right? And we are sisters, Stef. So I do hope that counts for a lot.

  Diego is so lucky to have you. And while he was very, veeery good-lookin’ before, havin’ you by his side has made him flat-out gorgeous. I say that simply as a testament to you. You make people shine. I ask to be one of the lucky ones who gets the benefit of your Halley’s Comet.

  Hearts and Stars and Galaxies . . .

  Tara

  Dear Matt,

  I guess there is no better time to thank you than now, what with the cast list bein’ posted on the board and all. Seems Matt and Tara and Joy were destined to share the stage as equals. I think Joy will be a wonderful Anita to my Maria. And you as Tony . . . well, watch out, world!

  I can’t believe I had the audacity to tell you many moons ago that you wouldn’t get Danny Zuko. I only said that, Matt, because never in the history of South High has a Freshman gotten a lead out of the gate. And then you followed that brilliant T-Bird turn with a plush role in The Diary of Anne Frank—a show we will likely grieve the cancellation of for a thousand lifetimes. And here you are now in the spring of your rookie year at South High landing the greatest (or at least one of the greatest) roles for a guy in the theater: Tony.

  Sure, there have been many a production of West Side Story, but Matt, come on, me as Maria and you as Tony!! I just can’t fathom any version of this iconic show being as good as what we will deliver come show night! I guess today begins our next long journey together, Matt. This time as co-stars. If you recall, you and I wished for this. We wished to be Danny and Sandy, but alas, the gods chose to make us wait, make us grow, make us learn before putting us together as one of the world’s most anthemic fictional Supercouples: Maria and Tony. I simply have no words. Sandy had always been a dream role of mine, and Eponine! Oh, how I scribbled in my diaries that I would be her. But the secret I’ve been sitting on for the better part of my life is that above all else I wanted to play Maria. You can even ask my diaries. J to the k . . . those are under lock and key and hidden better than Anne hid hers.

  I am thanking you because you were so thoughtful when responding to my anxiety-filled questions pre-Nashville. Your calm and soothing answers helped me more than you know, Matt. I got to Nashville a changed girl. I got to breathe for the first time in a long time. I think Nashville has better air than our town (add that to the list of things that are better out there beyond our Mass Pike exit).

  And because of you and your classic Matt Bloom pure heart, my squad won Nationals and I was named MVP. Most Valuable Player. Little old me . . . MVP. Who’da thunk it? Gettin’ that recognition from the National Cheerleading Association has given me tremendous pause, Matt. I know now that I have an important position here at South High. I’m a leader, and lead is what I intend to do these last months here. I guess getting the LEAD in West Side Story is the universe just saying, “Lead, Tara, lead. And don’t get off track!” Universe . . . I won’t.

  You know, it’s funny how junk works, Matt. Even in my frustration and confusion I told you that Christopher was cheating on me. You think I would tell just anyone that? No. I told you because I, as I have since day one, trust you. And even when, in my past, I would get wicked mad and fly off the handle . . . even then I knew I could trust you. I will be breaking up with Christopher very soon. I just wanna do it gracefully. We did have something major, he and I. We were a nonfictional Supercouple. But not everything is what it seems. I can say that with certainty now.

  I’m heart-warmed that you’ve found a sacred friend in my dear friend Stacey Simon. That girl is solid, and for me to say that is a humungous deal.

  Hey, if I could put my arms around all of us, everyone at South High, and just tell everyone it’s all gonna be okay, believe you me, I would. But I have human arms, and they just don’t stretch all that much.

  I hope me, you, and Joy can work hard and make West Side Story the greatest thing to ever hit a stage. As Maria I pledge to keep the vibes great among cast and crew. I’m even bakin’ my famous gooey double-chocolate-chip cookies as a welcome treat for everyone.

  Someday, Matt. Somewhere, Matt. We absolutely will find a new way of living . . . and you know what else, Matt? We (and I know this as sure as I know I will get into NYU) will find a way of forgiving . . .

  Always,

  Tara (Maria)

  Hi Christopher—

  I was hoping we could calendar some face-to-face time. There’s something I’ve got to tell you, and I would like to do it in person.

  When are you available?

  Thanks,

  Tara

  Tara—

  Wow, we must be psychic. There is something I want to tell you, too.

  Will call you tonight to make a plan.

  Peace,

  Chris

  Chris—

  Okay, yeah, phone me tonight and we will make a plan.

  What do you have to tell me?

  Well, I guess we’ll make our plan and then I’ll find out.

  Best,

  Tara

  Blooming Flower,

  I am so happy for you that you got the role you wanted. And what an honor that you practiced for it at my house on our piano. I will be at your opening night, front and center.

  I took your advice and gave Justin the chance to share his heart with me, and I am glad I did. He is a beautiful soul, but he has so much to work on for himself. He has so many wounds and I know we all do, but he’s never taken the time to really deal with his. And I discovered that I’ve never really taken the time to deal with mine. That’s why this moment in life is so good for me. I’ve never really been single, so I’ve never had the chance to see the world through my own lens. And I love what I am able to experience now. Close friendships. Art. I mean, I am drawing again! I haven’t drawn for years, and I bought two new sketchbooks and it’s pouring out of me. Being your friend has brought art and thought back into my life, and I am forever grateful.

  So I left it with Justin that I will always love him. I will always be here for him. And I will always leave the door open for the possibility of getting back together, just like you did with Joy. But for now, right now, I am just falling in love with me and that feels great.

  Okay, friend . . . let’s hit some art galleries in the city when you can. I know how busy you’re about to be, so no pressure ever.

  Big Hug, You Blooming Flower of a Human Being,

  Stacey

  To-est Stef!!! URGENT!!

  In no way, shape, or form do I want to rush you through your process of accepting my profuse and now multiple apologies. You take your time, and I mean that. I am right here waiting for you.

  I am wondering if you could break your silent treatment to be my best
friend for, like, one second.

  So, I told Christopher we needed to make a face-to-face plan so I could tell him something. Obviously, you know that something is me breaking up with him. But I am of course going to do that in an adult, SENIOR YEAR way, which is in person. And so when I told him I had to tell him something, he told me that he also had somethin’ to tell me.

  Then we talked last night to make our in-person plan. He didn’t mention what he wanted to talk to me about and I didn’t either. But so we are meeting up this weekend. Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’? That Christopher is going to fess up to his affair with Kathy and beg me to forgive him? Obviously that’s what it’s gonna be.

  Please, Stef. I need your guru/sister help. Please help me, then you can be mad at me again even though I would be so happy if you weren’t, but I understand if you still need more time to be mad. HELP!!

  Tara

  Tara—

  I do still need more time to think about how you and I can go forward in a clean, loving way. But I care about you too much to not lend you my support here.

  Yes, I do think you are right that Chris is going to admit to his cheating and plead with you to stay with him. That is the only thing that makes sense. So here is what I will tell you, Tara. Stay strong. You are currently moving forward in many areas of your life, and even though I am still so upset with how you’ve treated me, I can see that you are growing up. So let this moment with Chris be your greatest science lab yet. Stand strong, be brave, and stick to your guns.

  Good luck,

  Stef

  Stef!

  I love you so much! I will stand strong! Oh, you’d better believe it! Thank you for loving me through thick and thin and for taking time out of your silent treatment to help your childhood best friend.

  Lives, Loves, Laughs,

  T-Murphs, Tmurphette, Tara Maureen!!

  Dear Stacey,

  Hi sweetheart! I just adored your note back to me, and Stace, don’t even apologize for a split second about how long it took you. If anyone in this town knows about boyfriend stuff, breakups, and healing, it’s this girl.

  As you are a dear friend of mine (and by the way, I LOVE THAT YOU AND I SHARE A BEST FRIEND. AND I KNOW YOU ARE NOT ONE TO TALK ABOUT OTHERS TO OTHERS, BUT WHEN YOU TALK TO OUR MUTUAL BEST FRIEND STEF, PLEASE DO TELL HER HOW MUCH I LOVE HER AND HOW MUCH I LOVE THAT YOU AND I GET TO BOTH HAVE HER AS OUR BEST FRIEND), I wanted to very privately share with you what is going to take place this weekend.

  Stacey, I am going to break up with Christopher. I know, huge turn of events, but this is quite necessary. And yes, of course Stef already knows about this, so you don’t have to share this with her even though you wouldn’t because people like you don’t talk about others to others, which I find exceptionally commendable and a real sign of great character.

  I just wanted to tell you in advance of the event, because while I feel stronger than ever and more secure than ever, I am a girl with a huge heart, and I might be wicked sad when we break up, and I might shut down just like you did when you and Justin broke up.

  I ask you this, Stace. Please do not think I am ignoring you, your calls, or your notes. You and I are so similar, and if I don’t respond right away it’s not about YOU at all . . . it’s just me processin’.

  Here goes nothin’.

  Tara!

  Dear Tara—

  It’s just not in my comfort zone to tell Stef anything you say to me, even though what you said was so lovely. I just do not pass information and I never have. It’s just not me.

  But I am really excited for you, Tara. I know that sounds strange, but being on the other side of my breakup I can tell you that it’s a whole new world. Being single can be the greatest gift you give yourself. My only suggestion is to remember you shared something special with your boyfriend, so to best honor that I think it is good to lovingly end things and leave space for the friendship that got you there in the first place to be able to come around again.

  Be good,

  Stacey Simon

  Stace!

  You are so beyond special. I hope there’s room in your single world for me, because I will be joining you.

  Hearing that guidance from you means everything. And to hear how amazing your life is now that you are single is so friggin’ inspiring.

  I pledge to lovingly break up with Christopher and to graciously leave room for a friendship with him.

  You rule!

  Love you!

  Tara “Soon to Be Single and Lovin’ It” Murphy

  Oh, my Matt . . .

  Stef won’t return my calls. Stacey takes a thousand years to respond, so I am praying you will find the time in your busy and happy life to get back to me.

  How was your weekend? Hopefully filled with love and laughter. I bet you got to spend time with your adoring family, and knowing you, I’m sure you rehearsed your songs for West Side. Professional actors like you take advantage of the weekends. Maybe you even talked to your big brother. How lucky you are to have such a close relationship with him. And him bein’ at college and still looking out for you is huge and so rare.

  Um, me? Thanks for askin’. I, um . . . I had a pretty cool weekend. Yeah, it was okay. Busy of course, but definitely, by all definitions, a weekend.

  I know you have so much of your own stuff goin’ on and that you have your priorities, like doing well in school and focusing on acting and being in a sacred friendship with Stacey Simon, but if you can dig through your heart and find one tiny, little-little section for me, I would be indebted.

  I met up with Christopher so I could break up with him. And I was so calm and loving and therefore I was takin’ my time in tellin’ him. It’s not like I was talking slow, but I was being mindful. Even though he cheated on me I had made my choice to leave him, and I wanted to do that with kindness and integrity. It’s just not in my comfort zone to be any other way.

  So as I am trying to get to my point and say, “Christopher, I am breaking up with you,” he just interrupted me and said, “I’m not sure what you are trying to tell me here, Tara, but it might not be important after I tell you that I am dumping you.”

  He didn’t even say, “breaking up with you,” he said, “dumping you.”

  I was so shocked, Matt, I couldn’t even speak. Literally. It was just like that day after the reservoir with Timmy Garabino all over again. And as I sat there in silence he said, “So . . . we good?” And then he said, “Can I have my ring back?”

  I was, like, comatose, Matt. I didn’t speak. I didn’t move. And he just ever so gently slid the claddagh ring off my finger and said, “See ya at school?” Um, where else would he see me, Matt . . . at Disney World? In Paris? In Allentown, Pennsylvania? (My one uncle lives there, so I thought of it.)

  I need a friend right now, Matt. And I have a huge favor. It’s a favor that actually benefits everyone involved. I have an envelope (it’s sealed) of photographs. I do not want them in my house for I fear I will be too tempted to do something harsh with them. You needn’t know what the photos are—the less you know about those, the better. But would you just keep the envelope at your house, in your room . . . somewhere no one can find them? If you have them, I won’t, and therefore I will be able to move through this without revenge. Could you do this for me, Matt?

  Your Devastated Maria . . .

  Tara

  APRIL 1992

  Bloom—

  I hope it’s okay with you that I joined stage crew for West Side Story. I’m not trying to stalk you, I swear—I just wanted to start building up extracurricular credits even though I’m not gonna be doing college applications for three more years but it’s not like Fanny Farmer could be considered extracurricular ’cuz it’s just a candy shop and it’s just my job.

  You’re so good as Tony! Seeing you and Joy rehearse is so awesome. You guys are seriously the most talented people ever. And I kno
w it’s none of my business, but seeing you guys up there together and, like, talking in between scenes makes me wicked happy. I hope you guys get back together because you deserve to and you just belong together. Me and so many other people on stage crew think that, and we think Joy could’ve played Maria better than Tara, but Anita is such a good Joy part ’cuz it’s explosive and just cooler all around. I got chosen to be the crew key keeper! I’m wicked excited ’cuz I love key chains and have a collection of them and also being in charge of the keys to the theater and music room and copy room is just so cool!

  I wicked hope you will be my friend again one day. I know I messed up big time, but I’d never do anything to hurt you again. I would only wanna help you, not like you need it.

  But if ya ever need anything, you know where to find me.

  By the way, I will say Tara is a good baker. Her gooey double-chocolate-chip cookies were wicked good. If we had those at Fanny Farmer I bet they’d sell out.

  I’m still into New Kids but not as much. Things change. I’ll always love Joey McIntyre, but I’m not, like, as obsessed as I used to be.

  Keep doin’ an awesome job as Tony.

  Pammy

  Hey Pammy—

  Things do change, and so much has changed since last fall. I noticed you were on stage crew. Good for you. That’s awesome. Yeah, if you stick with it I bet it will be a really good credit for colleges. And being crew key keeper is a big deal! Congratulations on that.