Elizabeth prayed that she would find the right thing to say to her daughter.
“Are you disgusted with me, Ma?” Cait asked anxiously.
“Oh, Caitlin, I could never be that. You were very wrong to ride Sky, but I think I understand why you did it. You have come to one of the most important times in a woman’s life, a time when she moves away from all she has known, from her parents and the home of her childhood, and begins to build a life of her own. It is an exciting time, but it is also terrifying, for if you look behind you, you can see everyone and everything that has been a part of your life, but when you look ahead, there you are, standing with your hand in someone else’s, with no way of knowing what is to come.”
“I think that is what frightens me,” whispered Cait.
“So you can’t look back and you can’t look ahead. You can only look to the one you love who stands next to you, Cait. If you are lucky enough to have found the right person, then he is your home and the future is what you will create together.”
“But how can anyone know for sure if it is the right person?”
Elizabeth laughed. “Oh, Cait, I don’t know what to tell you. You are different from me so the right person for you would be a very different one than for me.” She hesitated, not wanting to influence her daughter, then said: “But I do believe that the love between you should include both affection and passion.”
“I certainly have affection for Henry and he for me,” said Cait thoughtfully.
“And you are a passionate woman, Caitlin. About everything,” added Elizabeth. “Horses, books, the beauty of your surroundings, wherever you are.”
Cait was quiet for a moment and then said, with a glimmer of a smile on her face, “Ma, if I had been raised a real Catholic, like Da, I think I’d have to go to confession.”
“And what would you have to confess?” asked Elizabeth with an answering smile.
“I love Henry. But I want him to kiss me in a very different way than he does. The way I imagine Gabe Hart might kiss me,” she added in such a low voice that Elizabeth had to strain to hear her. “Not that he ever has or would,” Cait added quickly. “But I have wanted him to. Is that very awful of me? And I don’t even know if I like him. He certainly doesn’t like me, especially not after this morning.”
Elizabeth smiled over her daughter’s head, then gave her a hug. “Gabriel Hart is a very handsome man, Cait. If I were twenty years younger and a single woman, I think I’d be wondering what it would be like to kiss him too. There is a touch of wildness in him, I think, though he seems quiet and shy.”
“Shy? Gabe Hart wasn’t very shy this morning, I can tell you.”
“Oh, I can imagine he told you what he thought of you, but I don’t think he opens up his heart to anyone. I am glad his sister is coming for a visit,” Elizabeth added thoughtfully. “But, Cait, it is quite all right to feel a stirring of desire and curiosity when you see a handsome, interesting man. Even if you are engaged, or even married. The important thing is that you also have that between you and Henry.”
“What if I am not sure we will, Ma?”
“Henry is a very proper young man from the East. He is treating you the way he would want his sister to be treated, I am sure that is all. But if it is not….”
“If it is not?”
“You know I was married before I met your Da, Cait.”
“Yes.”
“I’ve talked a little about Thomas over the years. He was such a good man, Thomas Woolcott, Cait. He saved my life in many ways by marrying me and we had a good marriage. Had he lived and had your Da not come along, we would have continued to be happy with each other. I would never have known how much we both were missing. We had great affection for each other, Cait, but no real passion. One can have a good marriage without it. I know that. But I would like you to have both. I think you will only be happy if you have both.”
“How will I know, Ma?”
“You have some time still. Henry will be back from California in a few weeks and you will have three months in Philadelphia before the wedding.”
“Oh, Ma, I don’t know if I can leave you.”
“It is a part of growing up, Cait. And your father and I would never want you to stay only out of fear for our safety. You have to trust that we can take care of our lives just as we trust that you can make the right decisions for yours.”
They both heard Michael come down at the same time. “Oh, Ma, what will I tell Da about Sky?”
“The truth. But you know he will be angry.”
“He will be furious.”
“You have to face him sometime. Come and help me with breakfast, but first go wash your face and change into clean clothes.”
Cait slipped up the stairs and Elizabeth went into the kitchen.
“I was wondering where you had gone, a ghra,” said Michael, concern in his eyes. “Did you have another nightmare?”
“Yes, Michael, but I woke up before the worst parts, thank God. I came down to start the fire, but I was distracted by Cait.”
“Did I just hear her go up the stairs? What is she doing up so early?”
“She will tell you herself, Michael. But I want you to promise me you won’t be too hard on her.”
“Why, what can she have done that is so bad, Elizabeth?” His eyes widened. “She and Henry…they haven’t…?”
“No, Michael, they haven’t,” responded Elizabeth with a soft laugh. “Though I almost wish they had….”
“What are ye sayin’, a ghra?”
“It seems that Henry has been very much the gentleman.”
“Thanks be to God for that,” said Michael with relief.
“Yes, but I want Cait to have what we have, Michael.”
Michael blushed. “Of course, and so do I. I just don’t want to be thinkin’ about it!”
When Cait came back down, she had scrubbed her face and changed into an old calico dress. Her cheek had been scraped and bruised from her fall, however, and there was nothing she could to do cover it. Her father noticed it immediately.
“Whatever happened to your face, Cait?”
“I took a fall, Da.”
“You are all right?” he asked worriedly.
“Yes, Da. I am all right.” She took a deep breath. “But I am afraid Sky is not.”
“Sky?”
“I tried to ride him this morning, Da. I wanted to show Henry that I could. I guess I wanted to show Mr. Hart and maybe even you that I could. I wanted Sky to let me ride him, Da. I wanted to know that he trusted me more than anyone else.”
Michael’s face was set and stern as he took in what she was telling him. As he opened his mouth to speak, Elizabeth touched him gently on the arm, as if to remind him of his promise.
“It is not up to a horse to prove that he trusts you, Cait. It is up to you to prove that you are trustworthy. That is what makes him your horse. And only that.”
Her father had never spoken so harshly to her, and she felt it deeply. What made it worse was that every word he spoke to her was true.
“I know that, Da,” she answered, with her eyes lowered in shame. “I am so sorry.”
“Where is the horse?”
“I tied him to the fence, Da, to mount him. Mr. Hart could not get close enough to untie him,” she confessed, her face red.
Michael turned on his heel and was out the door before she knew it.
“Oh, Ma, what can I do?”
“I think you must go out and face what you have done, Cait.”
She wanted her mother to take her in her arms. She wanted Henry to come down and tell her he understood. She did not want to go out and see her father’s face when he saw Sky. It was the hardest thing she’d ever done, but Cait made herself go out the door and down to the corral.
Sky was still where she’d left him but there was a bucket of water and a small pile of hay in front of him, so Gabe Hart must have been able to get close enough to leave them there, thank God, if not to untie him. Michae
l was standing a few feet from the fence, murmuring to himself and the horse in Irish. Sky’s ears would prick forward as if to listen, and then flatten again if Michael tried to come any closer. The horse was still wet with sweat and as Cait got near, she could see how raw the halter had rubbed him.
“Dia,” said Michael, with such disappointment in his voice that Cait thought her heart would break. “Look what you have done, Caitlin.”
What was the point of saying she was sorry again? She was determined not to cry, but she couldn’t help it and the tears poured down as she tried not to make a sound. But she couldn’t help it as a sob escaped her. Michael turned and the sight of his daughter’s misery melted him and he enfolded her in his arms and let her cry against his chest.
“The worst thing, Da, is I know I was wrong, but I can’t change anything now,” Cait said when she finally stopped crying. “Do you think I’ve ruined him forever?”
“I don’t know, Cait.”
“I just wish I could talk to him, explain that I would never hurt him. Say I’m sorry to him, like I can say I am sorry to you.”
“ ‘Tis only by our actions we can talk to them, Caitlin. Gabe has been having a slow, quiet conversation with Sky for weeks now.”
“But I know he trusted me too, Da. I’ve been grooming him and walking him.”
“I’m sure he did. But trust is such a delicate thing, Cait. Especially when you’ve been hurt as bad as this one was.”
The barn door opened and Gabe stepped out, his old shirt in his hand. When he saw Michael and Cait he came out through the gate and walked over to them.
If Cait had wanted to hide before, right then she wished for the power to make herself invisible. Though she supposed she might as well be, for Gabe talked to her father as though she wasn’t there.
“Good morning, Mr. Burke. You’ve heard what happened, then?”
“Yes, Gabe, Cait told me.”
Hart’s eyes didn’t even flick over to her.
“Well, he’s let me bring him water and something to eat. I’m going to try to wipe him down now. And maybe even walk him around a little if he’ll let me.”
He would have had every right to blame her, thought Cait, but he didn’t. He didn’t even mention her folly directly and instead went straight to what was important now: Sky.
“Good luck, boyo. Come, Cait, yer ma’s probably got breakfast ready for us. Twill be easier for Gabe to work alone.”
It was almost as hard to go back into the house as it had been to come out. Cait wanted to watch and see if Gabe could get Sky to let him touch him again. Some of her guilt would have lifted if she could have seen that. And now, oh, now she was willing to admit and even be glad that her horse trusted this man. She could only hope that though the trust between her and Sky was broken, Gabe’s relationship with the horse was safe.
Chapter Fifteen
When Cait and Henry went out later for their ride, she was thrilled to see that Sky was no longer tied to the fence, but out in the far corner of the front pasture. That meant he had let Gabe get close enough to untie him and lead him to the gate.
Cait and her parents hadn’t said anything at the breakfast table, so Henry had no idea what had happened. She didn’t have to tell him, of course. But something in her made her want to. Henry would understand. Henry loved her, so he would not blame her like Gabe Hart did.
It was their last ride together before he left and Cait had brought a small picnic. Halfway out, they stopped at a small circle of trees and spread an old blanket on the ground. “I hate to leave you tomorrow, Cait,” said Henry, putting his arm around her and pulling her close.
“I’ll hate to see you go, Henry.”
“But I’ll be back soon,” he promised, dropping a kiss on her forehead, “and then you and I and Sky will be on our way back to Pennsylvania.”
“Maybe not Sky, Henry,” she whispered.
“Oh, I’m sure you’ll be riding him by the time I come back, Cait.”
Cait pulled herself out of the circle of his arm. “I tried to ride him this morning, Henry.”
“You did! Good for you.”
“I wanted to show off for you, Henry. I even imagined I might be riding him now,” she added with a bitter little laugh. “Instead, he’ll probably not let me near him again. And even if he did, Gabe Hart probably wouldn’t.”
“Why, whatever happened, Cait?”
“He was terrified as soon as I went near his back and he threw me.”
“So that is where this bruise came from,” said Henry, brushing her cheek with his finger. “You didn’t walk into the door in the dark. You are not hurt anywhere else, are you?” Henry asked anxiously.
“I’m just a little stiff. But I am so ashamed of myself.”
“Now, now, Cait,” said Henry comfortingly, putting his arm around her again. “You did nothing so wrong. He is your horse, after all, and you thought he was ready to ride. You mustn’t upset yourself too much over this.”
Cait had thought this was what she wanted to hear: Henry seeing her side and lifting the blame from her shoulders. Henry telling her that what she had done was not really that bad.
Henry lowered his lips to hers and brushed against them. As her mouth opened under his, his kiss became more urgent. This was what she had wanted, wasn’t it? Henry’s understanding and comfort and Henry’s desire sparking hers? Except that she felt nothing.
Instead of kissing her, he should be…what? Yelling at her the way Gabe Hart had done? Was that what she wanted? She didn’t know, but it seemed that his making excuses for her made her realize that he didn’t understand just what it was she had put at risk.
She let him kiss her. She opened her mouth under his and admitted his questing tongue. The kiss was more passionate than any he’d given her so far, and ironically, right now it didn’t matter.
Just as he didn’t seem to understand how much she had hurt Sky, he couldn’t seem to tell that she wasn’t really responding to his kiss, only going through the motions. He finally pulled away, and stood up, saying, “We really had better be going, Cait, or I’ll forget my resolve to be slow and careful with you.”
As they rode back, Cait chattered without stopping, wondering where on earth the words were coming from. It was as if she was trying to fill the sudden emptiness she felt between them.
Just before they reached the ranch, Henry pulled his horse up and turned to her. “I’m glad you seem to be feeling better about this morning, Cait. You have nothing to blame yourself for, and when I come back for you, if we can’t bring Sky back with us, then we will find a horse for you in Pennsylvania. It will be my wedding present for you,” he added.
She gave him a grateful smile. He was being so good to her. Offering what he thought would comfort her. So why did she feel so far away from him? she wondered, as they made their way back to the ranch.
* * * *
Gabe had never felt such anger in his life as when he’d stepped around the barn and seen Caitlin Burke swinging her leg over Sky’s back. And he had never felt such fear as when he saw her lying still in the dirt. Fear had replaced his anger and it had seemed an eternity until he saw her catch that first breath. And then the anger flooded back in reaction.
He’d never spoken like that to anyone in his life. He felt his face growing red whenever he thought of how he’d yelled at her. How hard he’d been on her. It was because he’d come to care so much for Night Sky, he told himself. Because he’d worked so patiently to gain the horse’s trust and she’d threatened it all in one moment of stupidity.
But it wasn’t just that, he realized, as the scene replayed again and again as he went about his work for the rest of the day. When he would see the horse plunge his hooves into the ground, all the anger would rise. But when he saw Cait lying motionless, all the fear came back and he realized that his feelings for her ran deep. He cared about her, even though she annoyed the hell out of him and had driven him into a fury that morning.
Of course h
e cared about her, he would tell himself. She was Michael and Elizabeth’s daughter and he cared about them. He felt affection for the whole family, that was all it was. He was scared because he knew what it would have meant to them to lose their daughter. He couldn’t care about her in any other way: she was engaged to be married. She’d be leaving to go back east in a month’s time. He almost had himself convinced, until she walked into the barn that night before supper.
Cait knew she had to see Gabe Hart again that day. It didn’t matter to her whether he was still furious or whether he didn’t want to listen to what she had to say. She had to let him know that she was aware of the seriousness of what she had done, that she appreciated all he had accomplished with Sky, and that she’d never go near her horse again if that was what it took to heal the terror that haunted him. So she had slipped out of the house while Henry was packing and her mother was preparing dinner.
Gabe was pitching clean hay into Snowflake’s stall when she entered the bam. He didn’t turn around when she came in and she couldn’t tell if he was ignoring her or just hadn’t heard her.
“Mr. Hart.”
Gabe turned to face her. There was nothing in his eyes to encourage her. He just stood there, leaning on the pitchfork, his face wiped clear of all expression.
“I was wondering if I could speak with you for a few minutes, Mr. Hart?” she asked, her voice strained and nervous.
“I don’t see why not,” he said.
He clearly didn’t want to, thought Cait, since his voice was as devoid of feeling as his face. But she was his boss’s daughter, so he’d listen, even if he didn’t care about her or her need to talk.
Cait clasped her hands in front of her. “I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about this morning, Mr. Hart.”
He just stood there, giving her no help at all.
“I…it is not like me to push a horse like that, I don’t expect you to believe that, of course,” she added with a rueful smile. “I really don’t know why I did it…. I thought Sky was ready. I wanted to ride him before Henry left…and…I think,” she continued slowly, her eyes lowered, “I think I was still jealous of you. I wanted to show everyone that Sky was my horse. I am so sorry, Mr. Hart. I will do anything you think will set things right; even not go near him at all if you think that would help.”
Journey of the Heart Page 13