Gabe had had as hard a time getting to sleep as Cait and he knew there was no way he could face her across the breakfast table. As soon as Michael came out that morning he had volunteered to ride up to the sheep camp himself. Everything looked a fresh green after the storm and the pungent smell of sage filled his lungs and seemed to cleanse him of all his worries.
The new shepherd was a younger man, a Basque down from Colorado. He didn’t speak much English but knew enough to convey to Gabe that all was well and that Gabe should help himself to coffee while he, Joaquin, went up to the meadow.
The coffee was good and strong and Gabe felt his spirits rise as he sat there at the bottom of the meadow. Maybe things would stay peaceful, he thought. If they did, then he could leave the Burkes without feeling he’d broken faith with them. As he breathed in the scent of pinon and juniper, he even let himself wonder if he could stay. He’d come to love more than Caitlin Burke, he reminded himself. He’d grown to love the horses, especially Night Sky, and it would feel like breaking faith with him to leave anytime soon, he realized. There was a bond between them, one formed by patience and trust and even love. He loved that horse for his intelligence and his fear and his courage. It would be almost as hard to leave Sky as it would be to leave Cait behind.
Maybe saving her horse had been a safe way of loving Caitlin Burke. Maybe he was trying to keep himself too safe. And maybe he was misjudging Cait, as Sadie had suggested. She wasn’t Caroline, an Eastern girl transplanted West. Cait had been born in New Mexico and though she’d been away from it, she’d loved it enough to stay. He closed his eyes and thought of the way she’d looked when he’d come upon her that evening, talking to Sky. And the way she had felt after the storm.
He loved her far more than he had ever loved Caroline Bryce, he admitted to himself. But could he trust her? She knew he was a good man with a horse. She might even think him a brave man, since he was willing to strap on a gun and face down her father’s enemies if he had to. But Gabe wasn’t sure how brave he really was. Here he was, asking Night Sky to let go of his fear while he was keeping safe and pushing Cait away because he was afraid to trust his heart to a woman again. To trust himself.
He rode down feeling a lot better than when he’d ridden up. When he got back to the ranch, he saw Caitlin weeding the flower bed in front of the house and he tied his horse and walked over.
“Good morning, Miss Cait. Your ma’s flowers are looking a might bedraggled today. I guess the downpour got them as bad as it did us.”
Cait was kneeling in the red dirt, trying to lift up some of the petunias and brush the sand off their leaves and petals. She couldn’t believe that Gabe would come over and talk to her about yesterday, however obliquely.
“Some of them are more than bedraggled, Mr. Hart,” she said quietly. “Petunias are very fragile and most of them won’t survive.”
“But those spicy smelling red and gold flowers look just fine,” he observed.
“The marigolds? They are strong enough to survive almost anything,” Cait replied.
“I hope our friendship is more like them, then,” said Gabe softly and seriously. “I’d hate to think yesterday would damage it permanently.”
“I don’t see how we can have a friendship after yesterday, Mr. Hart,” said Cait, finally turning and facing him. “Clearly we were both…carried away…I must beg you to forget my behavior,” she added, her voice low and strained.
“I don’t know that I can, Miss Cait.”
“Oh, but you must,” she begged. “I am so ashamed of myself.”
“There is nothing for you to be ashamed of,” Gabe said, hoping to reassure her when Elizabeth came out onto the porch.
“I am afraid most of the petunias are hopeless, Ma,” said her daughter, relieved that her mother’s presence had ended the conversation. When Gabe left, however, she realized she was also a little disappointed. Had he really meant it when he said she had nothing to be ashamed of? Unfortunately, he was the only person to whom she could turn for reassurance, she thought ironically.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Over the next few days, Gabe could feel a tension building in him as he worked with Night Sky. The horse was ready, he was sure of it. He obeyed voice commands perfectly on the lunge line, going from a walk to a canter, stopping and backing up at the slightest pressure from the hackamore. For the last week, Gabe had been working him with the red-and-black saddle blanket strapped to his back. He’d leaned his full weight on Sky’s back, hanging there for a full minute without the horse shying or crow-hopping.
One afternoon toward the end of the week, he decided he would get up before dawn the next day, before anyone else was awake. He could wait a few weeks, letting the horse get used to a saddle, but he was sure once Sky had accepted a rider, he’d take the saddle very easily. And this feeling Gabe had, well, it kept rising in his chest every time he worked with the horse and he could tell from the way Sky responded to him that he was just waiting for the culmination of their work the way Gabe was.
It was the second night after a full moon and when Gabe awoke at four in the morning, the moonlight was still bright enough to light the pasture. He whistled softly to Sky and rattled a pail of oats and the horse came trotting over from the corner. Sky only lipped one handful of oats and then stamped one foot impatiently as if to say: “Come on, let’s do it.”
Gabe slipped the hackamore on him and led him to the corral, where he tied him to the fence and slipped the blanket on his back. As he smoothed it under the girth, he admired the geometric patterns. It was a beautiful piece of weaving and he surprised himself by saying a little prayer that Mrs. Burke’s friend’s power was somehow present in the blanket and would help him.
“I’m going to tighten the cinch more than usual, Sky,” said Gabe after he’d pulled it to the third hole, which Sky was used to. “Now, don’t blow yourself up on me,” he warned. The horse merely shifted and gave Gabe a curious look as he hauled at the cinch. Gabe slipped two fingers under it to make sure it wasn’t too tight and then untied the reins.
“If I were smart, I’d lunge you for ten minutes, boy,” he said as he led the horse to the center of the corral where he’d set up a mounting block. “But it will be getting light soon and I don’t want an audience. Especially if you toss me!”
Gabe leaned over the horse’s back like he had before, but this time he let Sky take his full weight for a good three minutes. Sky walked forward a few steps and Gabe kept himself hanging there. When he pulled gently on the reins, the horse stopped immediately.
Gabe slid off and brought Sky close to the mounting block.
“This is it, Sky. This is what we’ve been working for all summer, you and me,” he murmured as he stroked the horse’s muzzle. “I know I’ll feel like that big cat at first, but you should know by now that I won’t hurt you.”
Gabe stood on the block for a moment. If he was doing this too soon, it would set the horse back once again. But he knew he had put enough time in. He knew the horse trusted him. But when he felt real weight, with Gabe’s legs on either side of him, would it remind him too much of the searing pain of the claws on his neck? Maybe he’d never accept a rider, no matter how much he trusted him.
It was time to stop thinking about it and do it, thought Gabe, and he threw his leg over Sky’s back, and using his hand for balance, lowered himself as gently as he could. Sky’s head went down and Gabe held himself ready for anything. He’d try to stay on, he decided as he slipped his right hand under the folded blanket and grabbed the wool.
But the horse didn’t buck, although Gabe was sure he’d been about to. Instead, as he heard Gabe murmur “Easy boy, I’m not going to hurt you,” he started to shudder. The horse was terrified, but because of his trust in Gabe, he just stood there, shaking.
Gabe let the blanket go and leaning forward a little, gently stroked the side of Sky’s neck. The shivering didn’t stop and Gabe became conscious of the great gift this horse was giving him. Night
Sky had given over his heart and his spirit into Gabe’s hands. He could feel the horse’s fear, but he could also feel the horse’s love, for it felt like love to him. His own love for Sky was being given back fourfold. “It may kill me,” Sky was saying, “but it is you who asks it, so I will stand.”
If Sky didn’t throw him, Gabe had originally intended to ride him at a walk around the corral. He changed his mind as soon as he felt the trembling begin. He would sit there as long as he and the horse could bear it. That was enough for this first time.
Gradually, the uncontrollable shivering stopped. Gabe sat for one more minute, murmuring nonsense syllables and stroking Sky’s neck and then he slid off. Sky turned and as Gabe approached his head, buried his muzzle in Gabe’s shirt, breathing as hard as if he’d been running.
“You are everything I thought you were,” Gabe whispered. It took him a minute to realize that both he and the horse were soaking wet. “Look at us, Sky, you’d think we’d just run two miles,” he said, laughing shakily, “instead of just standing around for two minutes!”
* * * *
Caitlin didn’t know what woke her. Maybe it was Gabe’s whistle, maybe Sky’s welcoming whicker, but she lay there for a minute wondering why it was still dark if Gabe was out with the horses. Then gradually it came to her: Gabe had chosen very early morning to ride Sky for the first time.
At first she was angry. She should be there watching because he was her horse. Then as she slipped her feet into her sheepskin moccasins and pulled a shawl around her shoulders, she calmed down. Everyone would have wanted to watch and a crowd may well spook the horse.
Her room was in the front of the house and her window gave her a clear view of the corral. She very quietly pushed it open and watched as Gabe led Sky out. She held her breath as he tightened the girth, for she knew Sky had never felt the full constraint of a cinch yet.
She smiled as she watched Gabe lean his weight on the horse’s back. It was going to happen; he was going to ride Sky, she realized, and she held her breath as he led the horse over to the mounting block.
When Gabe let himself down and Sky’s head went down, she closed her eyes and felt the bitter taste of despair in her mouth. He’d throw Gabe like he had thrown her, and her father would have no choice but to put him down. But there was no frightened squealing, no thud as Gabe hit the ground, and she opened her eyes again. Sky was standing there and even from her window she could tell he was shaking with fear. But Gabe sat quietly, caressing Sky’s neck. From the way his legs hung down and the relaxed way he sat, she could tell he had given himself over to the horse, as though he were saying: “I’m yours, do whatever you want. Just know that I won’t hurt you and I won’t ask for anything you can’t give.”
Gabe’s hair was glinting silver in the moonlight and Cait thought she had never seen anything as beautiful as horse and rider become one. It was a powerful surrender, for both were strong creatures. Either one was capable of inflicting harm on the other, but Gabe had given up all claim to domination and Sky all opportunities for explosive rebellion.
She wanted Gabe to squeeze his thighs together, lift the reins, and ride around the corral. But clearly he had decided that he’d taken the horse to his limit, so he just slipped off.
Cait pulled back from the window so Gabe wouldn’t see her and crawled back in bed. She lay there till dawn, tears slipping down her face. They were tears of relief, for Sky could be ridden, that was clear, no matter how much longer it took to get him used to a saddle. They were also tears of grief, for the little black colt who had followed her around like a puppy and with whom she’d felt such a strong bond, was no longer hers. He had been no one’s after the lion’s attack, for he’d trusted no one. But now, he was Gabe’s, heart and soul. Oh, Cait would eventually ride Sky, she was sure. The horse would always have an affection for her. But Gabe had healed him.
She gradually realized that along with the relief and loss, she was feeling a deep longing. That oneness she had seen, that wordless communication Gabe had achieved with Sky: she wanted it for herself with Gabe. It was what she had wanted the other day. Her feelings for Gabe went far beyond physical desire. She wanted to give her whole self to him and at the same time experience his surrender to her. She wanted his body; she couldn’t deny that. But more than that, she wanted his heart and soul so that she could give him hers in return.
There was no way to tell him, of course. But at least she knew he valued their friendship. If she could get over her embarrassment, then friendship was a place to start. Maybe with time and patience, something more would be possible.
* * * *
Cait had expected that when Gabe came in for breakfast he would be bursting to tell everyone of his success. Instead, he sat quietly at the table letting the conversation flow around him. When Cait glanced over at him from time to time, he looked dazed, as though he was in another world. He probably was, she realized, the private world of himself and his horse.
After breakfast, however, when Michael went out to see the horses in the far pasture and Elizabeth and Sadie went to work in the garden, Gabe stayed behind over a last cup of coffee, while Cait cleared the table and began to wash up.
He came up behind her at the sink and handing her his cup, leaned against the counter. “I have something to tell you, Miss Cait,” he said quietly.
So he was going to tell her first, she thought, moved by his thoughtfulness.
“This morning I rode Sky. Wal, maybe rode isn’t the right word,” he drawled with a self-deprecating smile. “But I was on his back for a full three minutes and I think he would have let me walk him around the corral. I didn’t want to push him too far, though.”
Cait had already decided that she wouldn’t tell Gabe she’d seen him, so she put as surprised and thrilled a look on her face, as if she was finding out for the first time.
“Oh, Mr. Hart, that is wonderful! I can’t believe that after all this time it has finally happened.”
“He’d come to trust me, but I wasn’t sure myself how far that trust would go,” Gabe admitted. “Anyway, I wanted to tell you first before I told your Da, because he is your horse.”
“Thank you, Mr. Hart. It must have been hard to keep it to yourself this morning,” she added with a smile.
“It was all so new, I really couldn’t find the words for it, to tell you the truth. I’ve tamed many horses but never one so badly hurt as Sky nor one that meant as much to me,” Gabe confessed.
“When do you think you will ride him again?”
“I’ll see what happens when I am on his back tomorrow. If he is calm, then I may walk him a little. Going slow has worked well so far.”
“Do you think I will be able to ride him soon?” There was a wistful note in Cait’s voice that she tried to keep out but couldn’t.
“I’d give it a week or so, Miss Cait. I’d like to start you on the lunge line for I haven’t even gotten a saddle on him yet.” Gabe hesitated. “I’d like to keep this a secret for a few days. I know everyone will want to be watching and I want him real secure before we have an audience.”
“I won’t say a word, Mr. Hart. Thank you for sharing the secret with me. I’m sure it meant a lot to you to finally be able to ride him.”
“It sure was something, Miss Cait,” said Gabe with a wide smile.
* * * *
“It sure was something.” Lord, but he was hopeless with words. But how could he have told her what it felt like to feel so close to the horse? Sometimes there were days when Gabe wished he was one of his horses, so he could communicate their way, and not use words at all. At least she had seemed a little less tongue-tied and embarrassed with him. He’d done the right thing to tell her first.
The next two days he worked Sky in the early morning. The second time he sat the horse, there was the same trembling, but it ended very quickly. Still, he decided to let it go with sitting him. The third morning, Sky stood like any other horse, even looking back at Gabe as if to say, “Okay, I’ve
gotten used to this. What next?”
“All right, fella, let’s take a walk.” Gabe lifted the reins and squeezed his legs together and Sky started out in a bouncy walk, shaking his head and whisking his tail. His ears moved back and forth as though he was just waiting for Gabe’s command to trot, having heard it so many times on the lunge line.
“Oh, no, not yet,” Gabe crooned. “We’ll just walk this morning,” and he kept Sky going around in long slow circles until he moved more smoothly. But the next day, after fifteen minutes of walking, Gabe gave the command to trot and they moved easily and happily around the corral.
By the end of the week, Gabe figured it was time to let everyone know of the horse’s progress, so on Friday at breakfast he made the announcement. This time he couldn’t keep from grinning.
“Mr. Burke, I have some good news for you.”
Michael looked over and grinned back, Gabe’s smile was so infectious. “And what might that be, boyo?”
“I think Miss Cait has got herself a very good saddle horse in Night Sky.”
“You’ve ridden him, then?” asked Michael, a look of amazement on his face. “I knew he was coming along, but I was still afraid the feel of someone on his back would be too much for him.”
“So was I, Mr. Burke. The first time was hard for him, but now he’s trotting around like a circus pony.”
“I knew you could do it, Gabe,” said Sadie, giving him a quick hug.
“Well, Cait, what have you got to say to all this?” asked her father. “I’d think you’d be doin’ a jig, ye’d be so happy.”
“I am, Da. But Gabe told me on Monday that he’d ridden Sky,” she added shyly.
“That was a thoughtful thing to do, Gabe,” said Elizabeth with an appreciative smile.
“I wasn’t trying to keep anything a secret, ma’am, but I didn’t want too many people around while I was working this week. But this morning, I want you all to come down to the corral,” he said, getting up.
“We’ll be down in a few minutes, Gabe,” said Elizabeth.
Journey of the Heart Page 25