“I might do that.” His foster mother always told him to take everything that worried or concerned him to God in prayer. He had a lot of worries and concerns. It would be a busy night.
He said goodbye to his friend and set the phone aside. He walked into the bedroom of the trailer, dropping onto the bed. Pulling open the drawer of the bedside table, he drew out the Bible his foster mother gave him when he first came into her house.
He stretched out on the bed, the Bible in his hand. Paging through it, not sure what he was looking for, he hoped he would find something to give him some comfort and strength. Hoping what he found could help him ease the anger that had ruled his life so long.
Anger he wanted to be done with.
Chapter 12
Claire let herself into the café, her feet heavy, her heart heavier. She needed to work. It was the only thing that would keep her going.
That morning, when she had woken up in the cabin — Emma snuggled up against her in bed — Claire was disoriented. Once she realized where she was, reality returned like a blast of icy water.
Despite knowing exactly how she felt about the house, Nik was still tearing it down. And he was leaving.
He couldn’t, or wouldn’t, let go of the pain in his life. She and Emma weren’t a consideration at all.
How could it all have gone so wrong so quick? What had she done to make him change his mind?
But no sooner was that question formulated than dismissed. She refused to take responsibility for his actions. She had simply been a woman who thought her life was changing for the better.
The back door opened, bringing in a cool draft of fall air before it was closed.
“Hey sis, how are you doing?” Tess came to stand beside her and slipped her arm across Claire’s shoulders, giving her a quick sideways hug.
Claire had been holding it all in up until then. The sorrowful look her mother gave her when she dropped Emma and Mooch off was almost her undoing but for Emma’s sake she managed to keep it together. Now, alone in her cafe, with her sister, the tears prickled her eyes and sorrow tightened her throat.
“Not great,” she said. She pulled in a shuddering sigh and then another, frustrated that she fell apart so easily.
“Have you tried to call Nik?”
Claire shook her head, grabbing a clean bandana from her cupboard. “I don’t know what to say that I haven’t already said.”
“Well, you could hear his side of the story.”
Claire busied herself with tying her hair back then pulled in a heavy sigh. “I know his side of the story. I’ve heard it multiple times. He can’t get past, well, the past. And the fact that that’s more important to him than how I feel is hard to take.”
She plugged in the dough mixer, getting ready to make the buns and bread for the day.
As she turned to get her measuring cups she saw Tess looking at her, frowning.
“What?” she asked.
“Nothing.” Tess shook her head, then turned away from her sister and flicked on the coffee pot.
“It’s not nothing,” Claire said. “You looked like you wanted to tell me something.”
“You wouldn’t like it.” Tess turned back to Claire, resting her hands on the counter behind her.
“Tell me anyway.” Anything Tess had to say couldn’t be worse than her own thoughts of the past twenty-four hours.
Tess held Claire’s gaze a moment.
“Just say it, already,” Claire said. “I won’t cry.”
“Okay. Why did you think you needed to run away when you found out Nik was tearing the house down, after all?”
“You know why. He knows exactly how I feel about the house. What it means to me. The fact that he wants to tear it down anyway hurts.”
“But there’s more. Otherwise you would be going to the house to talk to him. Find out why he’s doing this.”
“I know why he’s doing this and it’s hard to watch. I know the past is eating him alive. I thought he was moving on from that. Thinking of sticking around.” Her voice wavered a moment before she swallowed the emotion down. “I’ve been through that misery before. A man who can’t let go of the past. I’m not doing that to myself anymore.”
“Do you think that was all that Andy was dealing with?”
“I know it was. And I see Nik clinging to the same anger and pain.”
Tess tapped her fingers against the cupboard, not meeting her sister’s eye. “Memories are a tricky thing. You never know when they’ll rise up from the place you thought you’d buried them. I don’t know if you ever get past those hard moments,” Tess finally said. “Or if you just get used to having the memories around. Or if they slowly get replaced by better ones.”
Claire weighed her sister’s comments. Understanding where Tess was coming from, yet fighting her resistance to what Nik was dealing with.
“I know you won’t like to hear this,” Tess said. “But I wonder if you’re not doing the same thing?”
“What do you mean?” Claire asked.
“You are hanging pretty hard onto your memories, too. Memories of the house and what life was like when we lived there, and though they’re good ones for you, they might not be correct.”
“That was the happiest time of our family’s life,” Claire said, not understanding why her sister wasn’t helping her out. “The happiest time in my life.”
Tess gave her a sad smile. “Things haven’t been easy for you for a while now, have they?”
Claire sucked in a breath, determined not to feel sorry for herself. “Lance sure didn’t make it any easier.”
“He certainly had his issues, didn’t he?”
“And that’s why I’m not going through this again. I don’t want to be with someone who spends so much time in the past that they think they need to do the most drastic thing to get rid of it. Andy walked away from me and Emma. Nik… well…”
“He’s tearing down your dream house. Disregarding your feelings.”
“You sound a bit cynical. You know what that house means to me. We both grew up there, doesn’t it bother you that a perfectly good house is getting torn down because a man can’t get over his past?”
“You’ve always been so sentimental about that place. As if it holds nothing but happy times—”
“You can’t say it doesn’t for you,” Claire interrupted.
Tess stopped a moment, biting her lip, thinking. Finally, she spoke up. “Do you know that to be true, or is that just your perception of the situation?”
“What do you mean ‘perception’? There’s no perception. We laughed a lot more there. We were all happier. When we moved to that glass and brick thing Mom and Dad live in now, they fought all the time.”
“I loved our time in that old house. And because you’re older than me, I have to trust your memories.” Tess was quiet a moment clutching her mug, her shoulders hunched in a defensive posture. “But not all my memories of that house are wonderful. Mom and Dad fought in that house, too.”
“What? When?” Claire asked, shocked that her sister would say such a thing.
“Remember that time we had early dismissal from school, because one of the pipes burst in the bathrooms?”
Claire frowned, dredging up the memory. “Yeah. I was allowed to go to Stephanie’s place an hour earlier than we had figured on, so I was pretty excited. Where are you going with this?”
“You went to Steph’s, but I went home. And Dad was there, which was unusual because he was always in the store that time of the day. I remember coming up the walk and hearing yelling. It was Mom and Dad having a huge fight.”
Claire gasped. “That was two years before we moved.”
“Yep. I sat on the front step, waiting for them to settle down. I didn’t know if I dared go in the house, they were so angry with each other. Then Dad came storming out of the house and around the corner. He didn’t see me, but I saw him stomping down the street, his hands clenched into fists. I went for a long walk around the bloc
k before I came back and went inside.”
Claire considered this a moment, not sure what to think of it. “But I don’t remember them fighting after that.”
“Maybe not all the time, but after that I paid more attention to how they interacted. A few digs here and there which were supposed to be funny but weren’t. Comments Dad made about Mom’s spending. I don’t think things were so fantastic in their marriage even before they built that house. Maybe they thought that the new place on the acreage would make a difference.”
“Instead, they ended up arguing more,” Claire said with a sigh. She chewed her lip, still trying to process what her sister had told her. “You never told me about the fight.”
“I didn’t want to talk about it to anybody. And when I came in the house, Mom was acting as if nothing happened. It seemed weird to bring it up.” She gave Claire a careful smile. “I didn’t think to mention it until now.”
“So you think I’m being overly romantic about that house?”
“I think you’re pinning too many hopes on it. I think you’re hoping it will make the home that you’ve been desperately trying to create for Emma when all it is, really, is just a building.”
“I’m not the only one doing that.” Claire released a harsh laugh. “Emma seems to think that if Nik and I get together all her problems will be solved. She’s got this idea that he will be her new dad.”
“And will he?”
Claire was about to vehemently deny it. And yet, the kisses they shared, the moments they’d spent together, the conversations they had made her stop short of denial. She and Nik had been moving closer and closer and Claire had allowed herself some dreams.
“You’re hesitating. If you weren’t thinking about it, you wouldn’t be hesitating. Talk to him. Again. Let him know exactly what’s on the line with you.” Tess took a sip of her coffee then drew in a long breath. “And then, while you’re doing that, ask yourself why you’re hanging onto something he needs to dump. Why you are making this house the symbol of your happily-ever-after. Why you can’t let go of your dreams to help him find his?”
“Because I’m unsure of what his dreams are. He always said that when he tore down the house he would build his fourplex and leave. You know I have to be responsible. I have to be careful with Emma. I don’t dare bring someone into her life who might leave again.”
“And then you’re back to the beginning,” Tess said quietly. “I think the problem is neither of you are willing to take that first step. Both of you have been hurt in the past and are both protecting yourselves.”
“Like I said, I’m not just thinking about me; I have Emma to think about. She’s my first priority.”
“And your heart?”
Claire bit her lips, fighting down the pain that had dogged her all day. “That’s not fair.”
“Do you care for him?”
“Too much.”
“Then maybe find a way to convince him to stay.”
Claire held that thought a moment but shook her head. “I went running after Lance. I cried in front of him, pleading with him to come back. I’m not doing that again.”
Tess stared at her. “I… I didn’t know. You never said.”
“It wasn’t something I was proud of, that’s for sure.” She drew in a steadying breath. “So. That’s that. And we better get going on the food for the day.”
“Can we go see Nik today?” Emma asked as Claire pulled up to her mother’s place on Thursday morning.
“No, honey. I told you, he’s busy.”
“I don’t like it that he’s so busy. I don’t like it that we can’t see him.” Emma pouted as she grabbed her knapsack and got out of the car.
Mooch jumped out behind her, thankfully waiting while Claire clipped his leash onto his collar.
“I know, honey, and I’m sorry, but he will let us know when it works for us to see him.”
Though it had only been a couple of days since everything in her life fell apart, it seemed like months. She had kept herself busy, forcing herself to do one thing, then the next.
Thankfully, Tess hadn’t asked Claire anything more about Nik.
Thankfully, Nik hadn’t stopped by the coffee shop.
Thankfully Emma only asked a couple of times each day about Nik and when they would see him.
It was as if the prayers she’d been sending up for peace were being answered.
Then why did her heart hurt so much? Why did thoughts of Nik make her feel as if all light was bleached out of her life?
She felt as if she were simply going through the motions of living. Doing what needed to be done. Trying not to think too far ahead. She and Emma couldn’t stay in the cabin forever. Winter was coming and when the snow fell she knew her little car would have trouble on the country roads.
She had scoured the papers the last couple of days looking for a place to rent, hoping, praying something would come up.
But nothing had.
“I don’t want to go to school today,” Emma sighed, dragging her backpack on the ground behind her while Mooch tried to grab it with his teeth.
Claire reached over and caught the backpack rather than nag Emma, again, about how to properly carry it.
“I’m sorry, honey, but you have to. You know that,” Claire said as she knocked on the door and pulled it open. Mooch barreled in ahead of them and ran to the large, stone fireplace, falling down on the bed in front of it. “Besides, you don’t want to fall behind your classmates, do you?”
“Billie was teasing me again. About not having a daddy. I told him I was going to get one.” Emma looked directly at Claire as she knelt to take off Emma’s jacket. “Am I, Mom? Will Nik be my daddy?”
Claire bit her lip, wishing Emma wouldn’t talk like that. She had tried to discourage it repeatedly, but her daughter clung to the idea.
Just as Claire was struggling to find the right way to tell Emma it wasn’t happening, her father joined them.
“Grandpa. Yay,” Emma cried out, wriggling away from her mother. She threw herself at her grandfather who swung her up into his arms, then grunted.
“You’re getting too big to do that,” he said, giving her a quick hug then setting her down.
“I’m still a little girl,” Emma protested, leaning against him.
Her father stroked Emma’s hair, then gave Claire a vague smile. “So, how are you settling into the cabin?”
“It’s just temporary.”
“Grandma is in the kitchen, Emma,” her father announced, patting Emma on the head. “Why don’t you go see what she’s making?”
Emma nodded and skipped off, at peace with the world again.
As her father turned to her, Claire looked more closely at him, trying to blend what Tess had said with what she’d seen. Had she truly been so blind all those years, thinking her parents were happy when, maybe, they’d been fighting the entire time?
“Was there something you needed to talk about?” Claire said, beating him to the punch.
“Actually, there is.” Her father tapped his fingers against the side of his leg. “The last couple of days Emma has been talking about Nik. Telling us that he was supposed to be her father, but that she isn’t sure anymore. I know your mother talked to you about this, but it disturbs us that this continues.”
“I can’t stop that. You know Emma. She has her own mind, but Nik will not be her father.” She spoke the words with finality. It was as if she had to convince herself as much as her father.
“That's good to know. I hear he’s tearing down the house. I know that makes you sad, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up about him.”
“Don’t worry about me, Dad. I have no hopes where Nik is concerned.” She clamped her trembling lips together, fighting down the clench of sorrow. Saying the words aloud made them more real.
“Well I’m glad to hear that.” Her father patted her on the shoulder in an awkward gesture. He was never a demonstrative person when it came to affection.
C
laire was about to leave, but then stopped, her hand on the doorknob. “Tess told me something about you and Mom in the other house. She said you guys also used to fight when we lived there.”
Her father looked pained and ran his hand through his hair. “Well, now, that’s not entirely true. But…” He seemed to fumble trying to find the right words.
“I know you guys fought a lot here.”
“I’m sorry you had to witness that.” Her father grabbed the back of his neck, massaging it. “Things haven’t been easy here. But you need to know that your mother and I are in a better place now. You know we’ve been going for counseling and that’s helped a lot.”
“So you guys were having problems in the other house already?”
“Why are you asking these questions?” Her father asked. “It was in the past, and we’ve moved on from there.”
“I don’t know.” Claire heaved out another sigh. “I think I wove too many dreams around that other house, and I’m just trying to be realistic. I thought we were happy there.”
“I think we were,” her father assured her. “But like any family, we had our difficulties.” He then gave her a puzzled frown. “Where are you going with this?”
Claire gave him a sad smile. “Tess told me I was unrealistic about our life in that house. That I always thought we were happier there than we were here.”
“It’s not the house that makes or breaks the family,” her father said, his voice quiet. “It’s the people in it that make it a home. I think everywhere we lived we tried to make a home for you girls. Maybe not always successfully, but we sure tried. This house,” he spread his hand out indicating the large open space they stood in, “was just another building. A place to live. Just like the other place was. The other house didn’t make us happy, and this house didn’t make us happy, we were the ones who needed to create that happiness. It took a lot of prayers, and a lot of work, but that’s what any relationship is about. It also took a lot of sacrifices and swallowing of pride. We moved out of that house because we wanted to give you girls a better place to live in. Both me and your mother. Maybe it was a mistake, but everything we did, we did for your sake.”
A Mother's Heart (Sweet Hearts of Sweet Creek Book 6) Page 18