“If you just want to get out of the house, I’m not doing anything right now. Let me come pick you up. We can go over to the Pier and watch all the people, or take a drive up the coast. We can stop for dinner somewhere whenever we get hungry.”
He’s quiet for a moment, as if he needs to think about it. I hear him blow out a breath, before he says, “Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks, Mimi. I owe you one.”
“Nonsense. You’ve been here for me a million times already. I’ll be there in a half an hour.”
True to my word, thirty minutes later I pull up in front of Justin’s house. Before I can even get out of my car, he comes trotting down the walkway and jumps into the passenger seat. He leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek, before settling back and resting his head against the seat back. He seems tense and I can’t help but frown as I look at him. Something is very wrong, but I know Justin. I’ll just have to wait for him to tell me what’s going on. I won’t be able to pull it out of him. Instead, I just try to be as upbeat as I can and make things seem a little bit better.
“Okay, boss man. You’re in charge. Do you want to go to the Pier, or take a drive?” I ask.
“You make the decision, Mimi. I just want to shut my brain off for a little while. I’ve had a lot on my mind for the last few weeks, and I really need to get out of my head for a little while.”
“Alright. Then we drive up the coast. A little sunshine, a little sea air, some good views of the waves rolling against the shoreline and you’ll be good as new. I promise,” I turn and grin at him. “Oh and we need some tunes. Can’t have a really great drive without a soundtrack.” I pull my iPod out of the glove box and toss it to him. “There’s tons of music on there. Pick some out and just park it in the docking station. We’ll be good to go from there.”
Justin scrolls through the songs for a while before finally settling the device in the docking station. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana comes blaring out of the speakers, so I assume he’s chosen my nineties playlist as the theme for our little excursion.
We drive in silence, until we get onto Pacific Coast Highway with the waves rolling gently on our left. It’s a mild spring day in sunny Southern California, not too hot, not too cool. We both have our windows down and I’ve opened the moon roof, letting in as much fresh air as possible.
Finally, Justin speaks. He talks about his work, how he’s been busy working numerous projects, but everything is going well and he is happy to have the business. I ask about his family, knowing his mother and father are older, and wondering if maybe some health concerns on either of their parts could be the cause of his current stress.
“They’re doing great, actually. They’re planning on going on a cruise to Alaska this summer. It’s all my mom can talk about these days,” he says with a grin. “My dad is grumbling because she’s shopping for a whole new wardrobe and they’re only going to be gone for ten days.”
I laugh and say, “Of course! Doesn’t your dad know that a cruise is one of the few acceptable reasons to buy an entire new wardrobe? While most women love to shop, we only get a few outfits here and there. If ever there is a reason to go out and replace everything you have, a cruise is definitely it.”
“I’ll make sure to tell Dad you said so,” he says grinning even harder.
“Okay, so work is good, family is good. What’s got you so stressed? Lady troubles?”
A shadow passes over his face, but only for a moment. He shakes his head with a short bark of laughter. “Haven’t you heard by now, Mimi? I never have ‘lady troubles’,” he says, making air quotes around the last two words.
“Yes, I know you’re supposed to be some great Casanova or something, but in the time I’ve known you, I’ve never once even heard you talk about a woman. When I was part of the group, I never saw you bring anyone around, not even casually. Except for those few brief dates with Jessica, I’m beginning to suspect that this whole ladies’ man reputation is more myth than anything.”
“Myth, huh?” he laughs. “Trust me, I have my fair share of dates. I can even show you my address book to prove how many women’s phone numbers are in there so you’ll know I can call on any number of women at any time.”
“Brag much?” I interject.
“It’s not bragging, it’s just the truth. I have a lot of superficial relationships. I choose not to have anything serious, for my own personal reasons. I don’t bring anyone around my friends or family because I don’t want anyone to read too much into anything. As soon as you start introducing someone to the other people in your life, they start having other expectations of you and ideas about where the relationship can or should go, and I don’t want that. I barely let anyone come over to my house, otherwise they start redecorating it. I don’t need them to start wanting to redecorate my future too.”
“You think you’re such a catch that every woman is going to start planning your wedding and how many babies you’re going to have if you make a little space in your life for her?” I ask dubiously.
“What?” he asks, slightly taken aback.
“I’m serious. I hear this from men who don’t want to commit a lot. They keep all women at arm’s length because they automatically assume that any woman they show any part of their life to is going to immediately fall in love. I suppose it could happen with some really needy types, but most of the time, it’s a non-event. Meeting the parents, yeah that’s a big thing that should be reserved for serious relationships, I think. But letting a girl come over to your house, or hang out with your friends? I hate to break it to you, but she’s probably not going to think too much of it. Not a normal girl anyway, unless you do what you do.”
“What do you mean?” he asks, puzzled.
“When you make it this big mysterious thing, this off-limits part of your life, sure a girl is going to take it as a sign something serious is happening when you introduce her to your friends. That’s the message you’ve sent. If you treat it casually, so will she.”
“Is that how it was with you and Vance?” he asks quietly.
Pain lances through me at the mention of his name, and the reminder of how things used to be. I’m quiet for a moment before responding.
“Nothing was ever casual between Vance and me. We were serious from the very beginning, even if we didn’t know it right away.” I smile softly as I recall something Vance said. “He didn’t want to introduce me to you guys right away, though. He said he didn’t want you guys to ruin my good opinion of him.”
Justin laughs harshly. “That little fucker. I’d kick him in the nuts if it weren’t for…,” he stops abruptly.
I’m not sure why, but something inside me tightens nervously. “If it weren’t for what?”
He sighs, running his hands over his face. “Nothing.”
“No, it’s okay, Justin. You can say it.” I don’t know why I’m pushing the issue, but I feel like I need to know what he was going to say.
“I was just going to say if it weren’t for the fact it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m sorry, Mimi. It was a dick thing to say, which is why I stopped myself.”
For some reason I was expecting something else. I don’t know what, but what he told me makes sense. I don’t know why I thought it would be something totally different, but I did.
I wave my hand in the air between us. “It’s fine. It’s only the truth.”
We’re both quiet for a moment, before Justin finally says, “I know he came to see you.”
A lump forms in my throat. I swallow it away and square my shoulders. “Then you know I sent him away.”
“You need to hear what he has to say, Mimi,” he says firmly.
I look at him in disbelief. “I can’t believe you just said that. Knowing everything that you know, do you honestly believe he deserves a moment of my time?”
Justin’s tone gentles. “No, I know he doesn’t. What I believe is that you deserve what he is trying to offer you.”
“It’s too late for apologies, Justin,
if that’s what he’s looking to give me. I don’t want them, I don’t need them. I just need to forget him as best I can.”
“Mimi, please. Didn’t you see what he looks like? Can’t you at least take pity on him and give him ten minutes?”
“Jesus Christ, Justin. Of course I saw him. He looks awful. It’s clear that he’s still suffering away at that horrible job, and will probably continue to do so until they put him in the ground. Why is that my problem? I did all I could to try to convince him that it was a terrible environment for him. He chose them over me.”
“No, Mimi…”
“Why can’t you just let this go? Did he put you up to this or something? Oh. My. God. He did, didn’t he? Didn’t he!”
“Not exactly. He did ask if I would try to help him, but I already decided that I would try to talk to you when I found out what he needed to tell you,” he admits.
“You would do that, knowing exactly how I feel about keeping our friendship separate from anything to do with Vance? You would violate something that important to me?” I ask, feeling very betrayed.
“Yes, Mimi. I feel that strongly about this.”
“Then I guess it’s good that I know where your loyalties ultimately lie. You can’t be Switzerland between us. If he asks you to side with him, then that’s what you’ll do, because your ties to him are stronger. I get it, you’ve been friends your whole life. I’m just the chick who turned up less than two years ago,” I say, tears filling my eyes, as I pull off onto the shoulder. Making sure there is no traffic coming in the opposite direction, I make a very illegal U-turn and begin driving back the way we came. I always knew that Justin was more Vance’s friend than mine, but I still can’t help but feel betrayed.
“Peaches, it’s not like that. If I didn’t think this was important to you too, I wouldn’t…”
“Don’t, Justin. Just know that I never would have asked you to choose between us.”
“He didn’t! I didn’t! Mimi, please, don’t shut down. Just listen to me,” he pleads.
I sigh. “Fine. I’ll think about hearing him out, Justin, but I won’t make any promises,” I say with my mental fingers crossed in my head. I’m never going to talk to Vance, and I’m probably not going to talk to Justin again after I drop him off at his house.
“If that’s the best I can get tonight, then I’ll take it. I won’t bring it up again,” he says sincerely.
“Thanks. I’m going to head back now, if that’s okay with you. If I’m going to really think about listening to what he has to say, I’m going to need some time.” I try to sound as genuine as possible. Really, I just want to get him home and out of my personal space as fast as I can. I don’t know why I feel like Justin has deceived me in some way, as if he were never really my friend at all. I know that’s not the case. He’s in a difficult position trying to be friends with both me and Vance, but maybe some petty side of me hoped if it came down to it, he would pick me over Vance since Vance was so shitty to me.
“I totally understand. I didn’t mean to get into this so soon in our time together. I really did want to get out and blow off some steam, but I get that you need your space after all this. I’ll just go over to Rosie’s and shoot some pool, if you decide you want some company later. Just give me a ring and let me know you’re coming, if you do.”
We drive the rest of the way to Justin’s house in silence. He knows I’m upset with him, but fortunately, he doesn’t try to get me to talk about it. I pull up in front of his house, and smile.
“Curbside service, my friend.”
“Thanks for getting me out of the house, Mimi. Even if things didn’t go the way we planned, I’m glad I got to see you. I hope it won’t be too long before I see you again.” He leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek. He lingers a little longer than usual, which strikes me as odd, but he pulls away before I can think anything more about it. He brushes my cheek with the back of his fingers, then steps out of the car without another word. I stay at the curb and watch him walk up to his house. He turns and waves from the door before walking inside and closing it behind him. I can’t help but feel like the closing of his front door is a metaphor for so much more.
Chapter Fifteen
July comes and with it, a decision I have been postponing for months. I need to file for divorce. The process should be fairly simple. We don’t have children, we don’t have a lot of joint assets and we weren’t married long enough to have acquired much of any mutual wealth. Vance doesn’t have anything that I want, and I don’t believe I have anything that he’d want. He could always make the process difficult just for the sake of being difficult, I suppose. At the end, it sure seemed like he enjoyed making me suffer, so I can’t be assured he won’t draw the process out for his own amusement. He hasn’t tried to contact me since that time about six weeks ago though, so maybe he will just sign the papers uncontested and the next six months will go by peacefully, with the end result being the dissolution of our once beautiful marriage.
I pick up the phone to call my attorney and my stomach turns sour. I was about to tell him my decision so we could start the paperwork, but now just the thought has killed my desire to go through with it. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be stronger. I need more distance from the memories of what used to be; to focus on what it ended up being.
Ever since my falling out with Justin, every night just before I fall asleep, visions of how things used to be with Vance fill my mind. Our first dinner together. Those first phone calls. The trip to Atlantic City. Making love. How wrapped up in each other we were, as if no one could penetrate our bubble. My heart aches for Vance more now than it did when he first disappeared and became the stranger I didn’t know. I think it’s because then I still had hope. As long as he was there with me, I could make the excuses and believe that he would eventually revert to his old self. I no longer have the luxury of denial. He is gone, it is over, and I will never again have those wonderful days of laying in his arms, wrapped in his love with our dreams of the future between us. I’d be a dirty liar if I said I didn’t want that back. I do. Desperately. On a day-to-day basis, I keep up the façade of a woman who is going on with her life, moving forward and if not healed from a disastrous relationship, then steadily working toward it. In the dark of my bedroom at night however, I know the truth. I am devastated. For all my talk about living a life post-Vance, of getting back on track and building a new life for myself, I am worse off now than I was right after I left. I am no longer riding on the strength my anger had given me, instead I am fully in the depressive stage of grief, but only my pillow and I know it.
I wake in the morning, feeling like I have a head and heart filled with lead. It takes monumental effort to follow the method I’ve used from day one… one foot in front of the other. It’s like I’m wearing one of those suits the astronauts wear: big, clumsy and entirely impractical for everyday use.
Still sitting at my desk, caught up in my thoughts as I am, I don’t notice when Steve comes out of his office with a file in his hand. “Mimi, I need you to run down to the Superior Court and file this—Mimi?”
My head snaps up out of my daze to find him looking at me with a slightly annoyed expression. “Mimi, you really need to focus. You’ve been distracted for months now. We all know that you’ve been having a hard time, and we’ve been very understanding and supportive. The time has come to get your head back in the game, or there will be consequences. Do you understand?”
My heart plummets into my stomach. I know I haven’t been working at the height of my abilities, but I don’t think I’ve been fucking up, either. If Steve isn’t happy though, I need to get my act together. I need my job more than ever, and he won’t hesitate to let me go if he doesn’t feel I’m performing to his expectations. He isn’t sentimental like Bob, so I can’t expect any sense of personal loyalty from him.
“Yes, sir. I promise I will do better. Now please tell me what it is you’d like me to do?”
Forty-five minutes later, I’m l
eaving the Superior Court after filing some asset statements for Steve. As I am walking to my car in the large parking structure near the courthouse, I see the shape of a familiar, if loathsome, redhead exiting the car next to mine. She notices me just as I’m looking around for a place to hide.
“Well, hello Mimi,” Tiffany says, her fake smile firmly in place. “Funny to see you here.”
“I don’t know why you’d think so. I do work for a law firm too, after all. I was just filing some documents with the clerk,” I say as I resume walking toward my car.
“Huh. I don’t think I knew that. But then, it’s not like Vance and I spent a lot of time talking about you.”
“That doesn’t surprise me. We didn’t spend a lot of time talking about you, either,” I say sweetly.
“How is he doing, by the way? We really miss him around the office,” she asks as I open my car door.
I stop dead and whirl around. “What did you say?”
“I asked how he is doing. Things haven’t been the same since he left.”
“He left?” I whisper. For a split second, my heart somersaults. Perhaps now we could have a future. Maybe he would be his old self… I give myself a mental face slap and a stern talking to. He attacked you, Mimi. Tried to rape you. Threatened to kill you. There’s no coming back from that.
Tiffany looks at me like I am the stupidest person on the planet. “What the hell is wrong with you, Mimi?”
I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. “I’m sorry, Tiffany. You just took me by surprise. I really don’t know anything about Vance. We split up in January. I haven’t really spoken to him since.”
It’s unbelievable how she visibly brightens at the information. “Oh, that’s unfortunate news. I had no idea.”
I nod as I enter my vehicle. “Now you know.” I say as I shut the door on her, put my key in the ignition and drive away.
Shattered Perfection (The Perfection Series Book 1) Page 22