At the end of the evening, he gives me a hug at the door, as is his norm. I hold on a little longer than usual, uncertain how I am going to manage a day to day existence without relying on him as much as I do. I am resolved to putting distance between us so he can get back to his life, however.
As I pull away from him, he looks at me quizzically. “Everything okay with you, Mimi?”
“Sure. I think I’m just a little tired tonight. It must be all that good food making me a little sluggish. It was fantastic, though. I’m sorry I ever doubted your skills in the kitchen. You’re going to make someone a very good wife someday, Justin Sever,” I say.
“Was that another attempt at humor tonight?” he asks, his eyes comically bulging from his head. “I’m going to have to mark this on my calendar.”
“Oh hush, you,” I say, pushing him out the door. “Have a good night.”
“Seriously though,” he says as he stands on my porch, “it was a good to see you relax and start to enjoy yourself a little. I’ll give you a call tomorrow. Maybe I’ll even convince you to get out of the house.”
“Don’t go getting all crazy now,” I say.
“Hope springs eternal,” he calls out as he walks down the walkway, toward his motorcycle parked at the curb.
I sigh as I close the door and lean against it, squeezing my eyes together to keep the tears that are forming from dripping down my face. It was a mistake to lean on Justin as much as I have, as I’ve only delayed the inevitable. I am well and truly alone now, and instead of learning to live with that knowledge all these months, I feel like I’m back to square one. As if any ground I’ve gained since losing Vance is gone. I lost Vance, and now I’m losing Justin.
As I’m lying in bed the following morning, I somehow get it in my head that I need a change of scenery. That maybe if I begin a whole new life, I can escape the ghosts of the past that are always pressing in on me. What were once treasured memories of time I spent with Vance that I gathered around me and clung to with a ferocity of a child with his security blanket, I suddenly cannot cast off quickly enough.
With the decision to leave town made, I have to determine where to go. Getting up, I hurry to Vance’s office and boot up the computer. I quickly navigate to a map of California and study it, looking for a city that might be ideal for a quick relocation. Nothing jumps out at me. I figure since I’m being impulsive, I might as well go all the way and make this a real adventure. I pull up a map of the United States, close my eyes and point. I open them when my finger touches the screen. Initially, it lands on an ad for dating website. I ignore the irony of that coincidence and try again. This time, when I open my eyes, my finger is directly on Arizona. I’ve been to Phoenix before, and thought it was a nice place. Besides, it’s not that far from Los Angeles, so if I decide I’m too homesick, I can easily come back. It seems like a smart choice in an otherwise completely irrational decision.
Looking at the clock, I see that it’s past nine o’clock, so business hours have already begun. I look up property management companies so I can arrange to have someone look after the house while I’m gone. I peruse rental listings in Phoenix, but ultimately decide I’ll stay in hotel for a while and look for a place once I get there. There’s no way to tell what a neighborhood is like from a picture on the internet.
I make a list of things I’ll need to do to pack up my life here and begin anew in Arizona. It’s not as long as I expected it would be. I’ve withdrawn from the world so much, there’s very little beyond closing up the house, packing and letting the few people in my life know about my plans. It’s pretty sad really, but I realize I’m already beginning to feel a little bit better because I finally have a plan to move forward, which is something I just couldn’t figure out before.
With such a short list, I figure I can accomplish all the tasks I have set for myself and be on my way within a week. As I’m going over my list again to make sure I haven’t overlooked anything, my phone rings in the other room. I run to grab it before it goes to voicemail, only to see that it’s Justin calling. I have a moment of indecision before answering. Last night, I had planned to avoid him for a while so he could go back to his own life without having me to worry about, but if I’m really going to leave, I have to let him know my plans. As good as he’s been to me, I can’t just go without talking to him about it. That would be too cowardly, as tempting as it would be to avoid the lecture I know I’m going to get from him. In the end, I swipe my finger across the screen and answer his call.
“Hey, Justin,” I say with more enthusiasm than I normally do.
“Wow, you sound like a different person this morning. What’s going on?” He sounds concerned.
“I’m actually glad that you called. Do you think we could meet somewhere? Maybe go for a walk?” I think meeting on neutral ground would be best for the conversation I need to have with him, for some reason.
“Uh, sure, of course. I want to think of these as good signs Peaches, you sounding better and wanting to get out of the house and all, but I have to say you’re worrying me,” he says.
“I’m fine, Justin. I’ve actually been doing a lot of thinking since last night, and I’ve come to a few decisions. I just want to discuss them with you today.”
We arrange to meet at a nearby park in an hour’s time, because Justin is too antsy by my turn around in mood to wait any longer. When I arrive, he is already there with a bag of take-out deli sandwiches in his hand.
“Why are you always trying to feed me?” I ask, motioning toward the bag, as we walk toward a grouping of picnic tables.
“Because I think you’d shrivel up and blow away if I didn’t,” he says. “Honestly, Peaches. How often do you eat when I’m not around to feed you?”
A pang of guilt hits me, because I’m reminded of how lost I’ve been since Vance died and just how much I’ve leaned on Justin. He’s absolutely right, I probably would have starved if he hadn’t come around as much as he had bearing food. I certainly wasn’t trying to do anything for myself.
“Well, you don’t have to worry about that anymore,” I say with conviction as we sit down. “I’ve decided to make some changes.”
“I think that’s great, but I have to ask what brought this on so suddenly? You did seem a bit better last night, but today it’s almost as if you are a new woman, or at least are trying to be,” he says and he unwraps his sandwich and takes a big bite.
“I’m not sure what started it,” I lie as I fidget with the paper wrapping my own sandwich, “it wasn’t as if I woke up this morning to some great epiphany. I just decided that the reason I have been floundering like I have been is because I never made a new plan beyond breathing in and out. I never went back to work, I never tried to do anything but exist from sun up to sundown. It obviously wasn’t enough,” I pause and take a big breath. “So, I made a new plan.”
Justin nods patiently and waits for me to continue, chewing silently on his food. I take a bite of my sandwich as I try to dig up the courage to tell him about my move. The combination of rye bread and corned beef is dry in my mouth and forms a ball of glue-like paste as I chew. I wish I had a drink to help me wash it down, but there’s nothing so I have no choice but to either force it down or try to discreetly spit it into a napkin and hope Justin doesn’t notice. I take my chances with swallowing and pray I don’t choke in the process.
Once I have successfully downed the offending mouthful, I drop my sandwich and look at him for a few moments before saying quietly, “I’m leaving town for a while.”
He looks at me, confused. “Where are you going? And what do you mean, for a while? A week? Two?”
“I’m going to Arizona. To live. Indefinitely,” I say slowly.
He sits there, staring at me for a few beats, not comprehending what I’ve just told him. Finally, it dawns on him what I mean and he explodes. “You mean you’re moving?” he shouts, his eyebrows nearly reaching his scalp as he looks at me disbelievingly.
I look around to
see if we’ve attracted the attention of any of the other people in the park, and he immediately lowers his voice. “Have you finally lost your fuckin’ mind, Mimi? I know how much you’ve been suffering since Vance died, but running away is not going to solve anything. You can get back on track right here with the people who love you and are here to support you. You already feel alone. How is going somewhere where you really will be all alone going to help matters?”
“There are too many memories here, Justin. Everywhere I look, I see Vance. Everything reminds me of him. I think a change of scenery will help. Going to a place where there is no imprint of him on anything, where nobody knew him, a place where I can put some distance between myself and the past so I can do the breathing in and out thing without the weight of his loss constantly pressing down on me. Can you understand that?”
He shakes his head, and looks me straight in the eye. “Mimi, I promised Vance I would look after you. How am I supposed to do that if you leave?”
I bolt up from my seat. “That’s what all this has been about? A promise you made to Vance? I thought we were trying to be here for each other, and while I know I didn’t do such a bang up job of being there to comfort you, I didn’t realize you were just satisfying an obligation. I thought you were my friend. You should be grateful then that I’m letting you off the hook. You yourself implied last night that your personal life is suffering from all the time you spend taking care of me. Consider your promise to your dying friend fulfilled. You can get back to your life with a clear conscience, because you did what he asked. I’m taking over now, and no longer need you to look after me.”
With those words, I turn on my heel and run. Justin calls after me, but I don’t look back. I don’t know why his admission that he took care of me out of a duty to Vance hurt me so much, but it did. Now, more than ever, I know I need to get the hell out of Dodge.
I put Plan Arizona into gear double time. I pack up all of my personal belongings from the house and put them into storage. I don’t want to risk a break in at the house while I am away, even though the property management agent will be checking on things. The furniture and heavy items will remain, but the smaller items and valuables should have extra security, I think. I have a night out with Grace, Jessica and Liz after informing each of them of my plans. They were concerned at first, but after explaining my reasoning to them, they were all much more supportive than Justin and insisted we go out to celebrate my new adventure before I left.
Telling my mother was harder. While her reaction was better than Justin’s, her argument against it was similar. I wasn’t able to convince her that the move was in my best interest, but she did eventually accept it as something I needed to do for myself and assured me she would be here for me if I needed her. She also promised to visit once I got settled somewhere.
My Skype call to Laurel goes differently. She listens to my plan carefully, and without judging me or calling me crazy for wanting a change of scenery, but she lets me know how strongly she disagrees with my plan.
“I understand why you’d want to get away, Mimi. I really do. It’s not that your logic makes no sense, but it is flawed. I have to tell you, I agree with Justin. You’re running away. Rather than moving your life away from the things that remind you of him, you need to work on finding a way to let go, to truly say good-bye to Vance. Yes, he’ll always be a part of you, and he should be, but you have to find a way to accept your memories and hold them dear, not live in them or hide from them.
“If you want to get away for a little while, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Space might be what you need to think clearly and be honest with yourself about what you’re doing with your life without Vance. Take an Alaskan cruise. Go on a European tour. Hell, visit a Caribbean Island. Something, but don’t pack up your life, Mimi. I think you’ll find it to be a mistake and you won’t be any happier than you are right now. You’ll still have to confront the same issues further down the line.”
I feel the wind go out of my sails listening to her, because I know she’s right. Laurel may be excitable and possess an overabundance of energy, but when she wants to lay the wisdom down, she’s usually right on target. I realize that maybe some time with my friend is what I need most of all.
“Laurel, what would you say if I came to New York for a little while, then?”
“I’d say ‘Hell, yeah!’ Now you’re talking, Mimi. When would you like to come?” she says with her trademark exuberance.
We make plans for me to fly out that weekend and stay for a couple weeks. She can only take a few days off to spend with me, but I decide exploring New York on my own is not such a bad idea.
I take the time to call everyone and let them know I’ve changed my mind about Arizona, much to their collective relief. I even call Justin, but reach his voicemail. I leave a brief message telling him I changed my mind, but will be out of town for a few weeks on vacation and will try to call him when I return.
As I’m packing, I let my mind wander over the things Laurel said to me, and how I might actually go about letting go of Vance. An idea occurs to me, and the more I think about it, the more I know it’s the perfect thing to do. I go to Vance’s office and look up the necessary information on the internet. I make a few telephone calls and pack all the things I will need to carry out my plan while I am visiting Laurel. As I’m zipping up the last suitcase, a smile breaks over my face. It’s the first genuine smile I’ve had in a very long time, and it’s because I can feel Vance’s wholehearted approval of this idea.
Chapter Eighteen
The flight to New York this time around takes much longer and is bittersweet. I can’t help but reminisce about the last time I flew this route, nearly three years ago. I think about Bertha, Captain Von Sweatyballs, Vance’s charming grin, the long talk we had getting to know each other, and about how much hope, how much promise lay ahead of us at the time. It was the beginning of everything, and surprisingly, instead of dissolving into a sobbing mess, I feel humble, fortunate and oh-so-very grateful. How many people get to have what we had? Yes, it was taken from me too soon, and yes, I went through some very hard and painful times, but my God, we had perfection. I know what it is to have been truly blessed.
I arrive to find Laurel awaiting me in baggage claim yet again, this time without her smartphone visible. She wraps me in a big hug, then helps me grab my bags. She wouldn’t be Laurel if she didn’t talk my ear off, so she keeps up a steady stream of chatter as we walk to the taxi stand. She informs me she has no grandiose plans this time around, allowing me to set the pace and determine what I would like to do while I’m here. I share my idea with her, and her she smiles widely at me. She likes it as much as I do.
We spend the first few days of my visit just wandering around the city, with no agenda. I talk a lot, about the good times with Vance, about the bad times with him, about those last days, about how I’ve felt since he died. Laurel listens to it all patiently, if not quietly. She doesn’t try to offer me any advice nor words of cheer like she did right after he died, she simply listens and the times when I cry, she holds my hand. It is exactly what I need, right at the moment I need it. One afternoon while walking in Central Park, I comment on her much more sedate demeanor as opposed to her bubbly spirit when she came for the funeral and she looks a little embarrassed.
“I know, I came off too upbeat for the situation. I was trying to stay positive for you, but to be honest with you, Mimi, I was kind of lost myself. I’ve never known anyone who died before. My grandparents and parents are still alive. So are all my aunts and uncles. I’ve never lost anyone. I liked Vance a lot, you know that, but he wasn’t an everyday part of my life. While I was sad and unhappy that such a wonderful person was gone from this world, I wasn’t experiencing a loss like you were, like everyone around me was. I really didn’t know what to do or how to behave, and I am eternally sorry for making you uncomfortable on top of what had to be the most painful experience of your life. I was hoping to give you something posi
tive to hold onto, but instead I only seemed insensitive and a little crazy.”
I nod in understanding. “I didn’t think you were insensitive, I just thought you were being you. Your energy and enthusiasm are pretty hard to contain under any circumstances, and I had neither of those things at the time. I only comment on it now, because you’ve been doing a remarkable job of being very low-key the last few days.” I say as I nudge her shoulder with mine and grin at her.
“I have been, haven’t I? You know, it’s fucking killing me, too. Let’s go get a hot dog.” She smiles back at me and takes off running toward the vendor a few dozen feet away.
The Thursday following my arrival, we dress up for dinner and go to the little bistro Vance took me to for our first date. We don’t manage to get the same table, unfortunately. It’s occupied by an older couple who look to be celebrating some happy occasion. I can’t be too grumpy about not getting what I want, since it seems only fitting that something happy should be happening at that table to me. Laurel is yet again as patient as Job as she listens to me recount our first date in agonizing detail. If I’m honest, she actually seems to enjoy hearing about it. She even gets me to try a glass of Riesling with my dinner, and to my surprise, it’s not that bad. Its sweet flavor is actually quite nice. I feel a little wistful that I finally find a kind of wine that I like and Vance isn’t around to enjoy the moment, but I take comfort that I’ve found it here, in what I consider “our” restaurant.
The following afternoon, I rent a car and Laurel and I are standing in front of her building.
“Are you sure you want to do this alone?” she asks. “Pete and I would be happy to go with you. He’ll be off work around six, and we could leave right after that, or we could go tomorrow morning and avoid the traffic.”
Shattered Perfection (The Perfection Series Book 1) Page 27