Was that why she hadn’t told him about what happened between her and Becca? Dani wished it were that easy. She tried to clear her head. Here she was thinking about herself. A wave of shame washed over her. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean…I didn’t know…” She looked down at her Clarks. “Have I really been that bad?” Her voice was weak, shaky.
Rick wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened slightly and then melted into him, pressing her face against his chest. Dani hugged him back as tightly as she dared because she dreaded his answer. Still, she was ready to hear it and maybe listen this time.
“Yeah, you have.”
Trying not to cry, Dani squeezed her eyes shut. “I wasn’t trying to be.” It felt like she was repeating herself. “God, you must be close to hating me.”
“No, never that, but I don’t like you much right now.” Rick kissed the top of her head. She could have sworn he’d said those exact same words a few weeks back.
“It’s like you’re getting’ pre-revenge or somethin’, but nobody’s out to get you.”
“I know that.” She looked up at him.
Rick didn’t seem convinced. His eyes were sad.
“I do,” Dani repeated, but even she didn’t sound sure. She’d never set out to hurt anybody. She’d been trying to protect herself. Things had been so clear before. Now, it was obvious she had no idea what she was doing.
“I hope so.”
She did too. “Will you explain to Sandra? I don’t know if she’ll understand.” Dani paused. “I don’t know if I do.”
Rick shook his head. “That’s not for me to do.”
“I don’t know what to say to her. I’ve already apologized.” Dani didn’t even try to get rid of the pleading sound in her voice.
“Well, when you figure it out, you’ll know what to say, I guess.”
“That’s not very helpful.” His lack of assistance was frustrating.
Rick’s grin was crooked. “Sorry, I don’t think I can be much help to you with this.” His expression sobered.
Dani nodded. “Are we—”
“Don’t ask that, because you know we’re not, but at least it’s all out in the open now.”
“I’m sorry.” Dani couldn’t seem to stop saying that.
“I know, but you gotta show it too. You can’t keep doin’ the same thing over and over.”
Dani nodded and tried to step back. Rick wouldn’t let her. He pulled her into another full-body hug. She couldn’t breathe, but surrounded by him, she was okay with that. What was she going to do if he actually left? Dani closed her eyes. She had to start making his career opportunity about him.
“I better go.” Rick kissed the top of her head again.
“Okay.”
Even after he’d left, Dani stood in the middle of the lounge. Part of her wanted to blame Becca for all this, but she couldn’t. This was on her, and she had no idea what to do with it.
Rebecca parked behind Mark’s SUV in his driveway. She held onto the steering wheel and took a calming breath as she looked out at the ranch-style home with the picture-perfect wraparound porch and white picket fence. It was like something out of a sitcom. She expected to see a prefabricated family on the porch laughing together and sipping iced tea.
There was a dream she used to have where an unknown family welcomed her with open arms. It hadn’t taken her long to understand it was never coming true. Instead, she’d learned that family could be anyone.
The front door opened, and Mark stepped out. He waved at her, and Rebecca waved back. However, she didn’t move. He came to her. She lowered the driver side window as he leaned down. With soft, concerned eyes, he gazed at her for a moment. “Take all the time you need. You want some company?”
“Yeah, sure.” Rebecca nodded.
He jogged to the other side.
They sat in silence for a few minutes.
“How’d you know?”
Mark turned to her and smiled slightly. “You’re not that hard to read once you let somebody in.”
“Is that a fact?” Rebecca met his gaze.
“It most certainly is.”
“Well, good thing I chose you. Emmet woulda blabbed all my secrets.”
Mark chuckled. “You could be right about that.”
“I don’t know what Alvin would’ve done.”
“Stared at you in silent judgment daily?”
Rebecca laughed outright. “No, he’d say what he had to in my face too.”
“Probably.”
She looked down at herself and brushed a hand over her shirt. Rebecca assumed that a button down and jeans were the appropriate thing to wear. “Is this okay?”
“Whatever makes you comfortable.”
Rebecca nodded. “Okay, we can’t just sit out here. I’m ready.”
“Good. Okay, now, just to let you know, children are like dogs.” His eyebrows shot up, as did his inflection. “They jump all over you, then get bored when they realize you’re not as interesting as they thought.”
She threw her head back and laughed. “Thanks for lettin’ me know. Let’s do this.”
Mark smiled and clapped his hands together. “All right, let’s get our steak on. I hope you like ribeye.”
Rebecca opened the door. “It’s my favorite cut.”
“As it should be.”
“When I came back, the box was empty and Emmet was gone.”
Sheila dropped her fork and leaned back in her chair. She tossed blonde hair out of her face. “Wait. He ate four éclairs that quickly?”
“Uh, gross,” Millie said. “I don’t like that creamy stuff that squirts out.” Her expression was as disgusted as a ten-year-old’s could get. Her nose was crinkled and her lips pursed.
“Oh my God, baby, I could kiss you right now!” Mark leaned over and wrapped his arms around his daughter. “Say that again in a few years.”
“Dad! You’re bein’ weird.”
Rebecca glanced at Sheila, who hid her smile behind a napkin, but the amused glint in her brown eyes couldn’t be missed.
“I think Emmet only works out his arms and legs.”
Mark grinned at his wife. “That’s what I said!”
Sheila laughed and shook her head.
Rebecca scooped up the last bit of her baked potato and groaned as she ate it. She was full, overly so. The steak had been seasoned just right, and the baked potato along with corn on the cob finished things off properly. The smell of smoldering charcoal still lingered around them despite the wide-open space of the backyard. The sun was on full blast, shooting the temperature to the high sixties. Rebecca knew a good time when she was having it, and this was a good time. It brought up memories of Dani and Rick, the way it had been when they were close, laughing and always there for each other.
“You want more Coke, Rebecca?” Sheila asked.
She glanced at her glass. It was indeed empty. “Yeah, but I’ll get it. Anybody else want anythin’?” Rebecca stood.
“Can I get some more Sprite?” Millie handed Rebecca her cup.
“No problem.”
Mark held up his beer. It was still half full. “I’m good.”
“Nothin’ for me either.” Sheila held up her wine glass, which was almost empty, but it wasn’t her first.
Rebecca didn’t linger in the kitchen. Everything was easy to find. When she stepped back out of the open French doors into the backyard, she paused and looked out at Mark and his family. He had his arms back around Millie, but this time, she hugged him too. Sheila sipped the last bit her wine as she watched them.
Just then, Mark glanced up. He tilted his head slightly and mouthed, “You okay?”
She nodded. She missed her family, and no matter how long it took, she planned to get it back intact whether Rick was leaving or not.
Rebecca sm
iled. Mark smiled back.
She’d get it back even if it had a few additions.
Readjusting the scarf around her head, Rebecca stared at her bedroom ceiling illuminated by the lamp she still had on. Peyton jumped up near the foot of the bed. She smiled as the cat climbed her like a tree and plopped down on Rebecca’s chest. Not satisfied with the position, Peyton purred loudly as she turned this way and that before kneading Rebecca’s stomach and settling down.
“I really don’t want your ass in my face.”
Peyton ignored her.
“I swear you’re only sweet to me at night because I give off a lot of body heat.”
The cat didn’t even twitch. Rebecca chuckled and stroked Peyton’s torso before finding her spot on the ceiling again. Sleep wouldn’t come. Too much had happened, and she was still trying to digest it all. Plus her fingers practically itched to pick up her phone. Somehow, the late-night texting had become habit, even though they hadn’t been doing it long. Rebecca was wary of wearing out her tentative welcome, especially in light of what Rick had said about Dani. She should play it safe, wait, and give them both some breathing room. But damn it to hell, she really didn’t want to.
Rebecca sat up, and Peyton meowed in protest. “Sorry, but there’s another lady I need to talk to.” She grabbed her phone. Dani was still at the hospital. Maybe she wasn’t busy. Rebecca would just have to take that chance. She unlocked her phone and was tempted to bring up yet another shared memory, but a nagging feeling in her gut told her not to. Instead, she revisited her conversation with Rick and knew what to say almost immediately.
Are u ok?
After a few minutes, Rebecca finally saw evidence that Dani was about to respond. Then the ellipses disappeared as if Dani were hesitating and searching to find the right words. Suddenly, they were back.
I don’t know.
There’s really no inbetwn. Rebecca replied.
I don’t know anything right now. I don’t know if I should be talking to you. I don’t know if Rick will ever look at me the same. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
Rebecca blinked. She didn’t expect such an explosion of words and emotion. Something had shaken Dani up, and Rebecca had no idea if it was a good or bad thing. With that in mind, she chose her words carefully.
Maybe concentrate on what you do kno.
I know I probably shouldn’t be laying all this on you.
Y not?
Because what are we and what are we doing?
Tryin to find some evn ground. Rebecca responded quickly. She had a feeling that hesitation would’ve had fed into Dani’s current state of mind and made her back away.
I don’t know if that’s possible.
Rebecca fired right back She didn’t believe that for a second.
Bullshit. When I first got here u wanted to chew my face off.
How do you know I still don’t?
I don’t like u all the time either, remember?
You don’t know me.
I want 2. Rebecca typed.
A few seconds later, Dani responded.
I can’t do this with you right now. I’m at work, and I need to be able to focus.
Rebecca was losing her. She had to do something.
Don’t go yet I don’t mind changin the subject
Ok fine.
Rebecca’s thumbs moved quickly, and a little bit of her heart leaked out with each word she typed.
I had dinner with my partner and his Hallmark card family 2day. It was hard at first to evn get out of the car but he helped me get it 2gether. I laughed hard and I haven’t done that in a while. They’re good ppl and they opened their home to me. Not many ppl have done that because I haven’t given them the chance. I wanna be able to take more chances like that.
Minutes ticked by without a word, and finally Rebecca saw that Dani was typing again.
You’ve changed. I knew that already. The second time we talked I could tell. You want to hear a joke? It’s a cosmic one.
Ok???
I feel like we’ve had some sort of role reversal. I’ve closed off and you’ve opened up.
Rebecca stared at the words for a second before giving her reply.
It doesn’t have 2 be that way.
I’m not sure what way it has to be, but I have rounds. I need to go.
Ok.
Rebecca waited even though the conversation was obviously over. She wasn’t ready for it to end. The need to call and hear Dani’s voice was near overwhelming, but she resisted, knowing somehow that it would be going too far right now. She had come out of their discussion with a better understanding. The wall around Dani was higher and thicker than she’d thought it was. She’d do her best to chisel away at it, but in the end, Dani had to want to let her in.
Chapter 18
Laden. That was the only word Dani could think of to describe her current situation. The air around her was thick, viscous, and she struggled to move through it. Mentally drained, she was well on her way to being that way physically as well. She’d churned through the past couple days just to get to the end of them in hopes that her brain would turn off and her emotions along with it.
No such luck. Apparently, the shame she carried around didn’t believe in taking a break. So, she couldn’t either. The images on her iPad started to blur. Dani blinked, trying to bring everything back in focus. It took more time than she would have liked, but she didn’t dare complain.
She had hurt people. She wondered how many: she had been in a state of faux oblivion for quite a while, given that deep down, Dani knew what she was doing. She’d created a buffer between herself and everybody else, and it had numbed her, making things extremely easy.
“Dr. Russell!”
Dani jumped at the sound of her name. She looked up, and Betty peered back at her. “Yes?”
Betty continued to study her, along with a couple other nurses in the vicinity. Dani got the distinct impression that Betty had tried to get her attention more than once.
“Did you need somethin’? You’ve just been standin’ there for ten minutes.”
She cleared her throat. “I was trying to make sure all my labs have been uploaded before starting rounds.”
Betty glanced down at the iPad just as it went dark, as though she knew Dani wasn’t being truthful. “Well, if somethin’ doesn’t show up, let me know.”
Dani stepped back, but Betty held her gaze. Her mouth opened as if she had more to say or ask, but Betty closed it quickly. Dani had always been nice to her. They’d laughed and joked, but maybe that had more to do with practicality. It wouldn’t make sense to alienate the Peds charge nurse. Dani would never get anything done. God, how pathetic was she?
Using her elbows, Betty leaned forward on the desk. “Are you okay?” she whispered, and reached out touching Dani’s arm.
Dani moved away almost immediately. Even though she must have looked like she was falling apart, she didn’t deserve Betty’s concern. “Sorry, yes, just tired.”
“Okay, then, if you’re sure.”
“I am. I should probably get some coffee and grab a sandwich or something. That might help a bit. I don’t remember eating this morning.”
“Mmm.” Betty eyed her. “Good idea. You might wanna get down there. Around twelve-thirty, those lines take forever to move up.”
Her stomach growled, turning the lie she’d just told into a truth. Her face heated. A short trip to the cafeteria really was in order, especially since she hadn’t brought anything from home. Hypoglycemia wasn’t on her list of things to experience today. “Do you want anything?” Dani tried her best to sound chipper, but she wasn’t sure if she succeeded. She even cracked a smile.
“No, just see to yourself.”
“I’ll be back in a few, then.”
In the cafeteria, Dani kept her head down as
much as possible. As she got in line to pay for her chicken salad croissant, someone touched her arm. Startled, she jerked away.
“Hey! It’s just me. I’ve been wavin’ at you tryin’ to get your attention since you walked in here.”
Dani glanced up at Rick. “Sorry, I was in a hurry.”
Rick frowned. “Jesus, you could trip over all the baggage under your eyes. Have you slept since the last time I saw you?”
She shrugged and tried to move away.
His hand closed around her elbow, stopping her. “Dani?” Rick’s voice was full of concern.
“I didn’t think you were talking to me.”
“Ah, well, I thought you’d need space after airin’ things out like that.”
“It’s been two days.” Dani looked down at his hand, hoping her words didn’t sound accusatory.
Instead of dropping it, Rick moved closer. “I’ve been stayin’ at Sandra’s, and like I said, I wasn’t ignorin’ you.”
“It f-felt like it.” There was nothing Dani could do to hide the emotion in her voice.
“Christ, Dani, no matter what’s goin’ on with us, we’re still friends. I wouldn’t just cut you off like that. I’m sorry. I figured you’d call if you really needed me.”
Dani tried to swallow down the lump in her throat. “Things have never been this bad between us. I wasn’t sure.”
“Well, now you are. You hear me?”
She nodded.
Rick shook his head and leaned in. “You look like shit.” He pulled her to the side, out of line. and toward a quieter corner. His face was creased with worry. “I’m not sorry about what I said.”
“I don’t think you should be. At least I listened. I’m not sure what I should do next. Send out a newsletter apologizing to everybody I’ve come in contact with the past few years?”
Drawing the Line Page 18