by Coralee June
Last night, Hamilton seemed off, though. We still fucked like our lives depended on it, and he spent a majority of the evening holding me close. But something was off. It was like a shift in energy—a change in dynamic I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Something was up, but I didn’t know what.
“I’m taking you on a date tonight,” Hamilton said the moment I got into his car. He had made a habit of dropping me off and picking me up from class daily. On Fridays, I just had an hour long eight a.m. workshop, so I was looking forward to going back to his house and napping.
“Where to?” I asked with a grin.
“One of my favorite restaurants in the area,” Hamilton replied vaguely. “I thought since you’re practically living with me and fucking my brains out every night, the polite thing to do would be to take you on an actual date.”
I gulped. “I’m not living with you,” I teased nervously.
“Does it sound like I’m complaining?” Hamilton countered. “Between your mother, my family, and Saint wanting to hassle you, I’m more than happy to have you under my roof…and in my bed…and under me.” Hamilton’s voice trailed off as he leaned over the center console to kiss me deeply. I smiled against his mouth. A car honked. He grabbed my breast and kneaded it over my knit sweater.
“Fuck, you’re addictive,” he rasped while pulling away, his lips shining from the gloss on my lips.
I was in a daze, my eyes lidded from lust as I sat back in my seat and pressed my thighs together. “What does one wear to your favorite restaurants in the area?”
“Something short and sexy. Also, panties aren’t allowed. I want to be able to reach up your skirt and feel your needy cunt at all times.”
Fuck. Hamilton was so good at dirty talk. It was ridiculous how easily his words had my pussy weeping for him. I wiggled in my seat, making a satisfactory smile break out on his face. “No panties, hmm?” I asked as we drove down the road toward his townhouse. The leaves on the trees lining the street were turning a golden hue.
“None. I’ll even wear a suit, if you’d like. Maybe after, we can go to this bar I like? Stay up all night and watch the sun rise.” I dipped my brow. “Actually, we have all day. We should call Jess. Go do something crazy. What if we drove to California? Yeah. We could do that.”
“Whoa. You’re planning a lot. We can’t just go on a random road trip,” I said with a giggle while shifting in my seat to get a better look at Hamilton. Now that I wasn’t riddled with lust, I noticed a slight tic in his jaw. His strong hands were gripping the steering wheel, and his spine was so rigid that it looked uncomfortable. “Are you okay?”
“Of course I’m okay. I’m better than okay. Do you want to go get ice cream? I really want some ice cream. And maybe some sex. Can I eat you out when we get home?”
Hamilton seemed manic and like he was avoiding something. “Did something happen this morning, Hamilton?” I asked. I was only gone an hour, but he was very fidgety.
He turned onto his street and let out a sigh. “No. Nothing happened.”
“Then why are you acting so…”
“I don’t want to sit still today,” Hamilton murmured softly while parking. Once the car was off, he pressed his forehead to the steering wheel and breathed in deeply.
“Why not?” I asked before reaching out to massage his neck.
“Because when I sit still, I think. And when I think, I see her face.”
“Who?”
Hamilton sat up and stared at his hands for a long moment. “It’s the anniversary of my mother’s death. I just need to do something or—”
I quickly unbuckled and reached across to hold him. Hamilton trembled a bit, and I felt his pain like it was my own. Hamilton was usually so cocky, mischievous, and playful. He walked around like he owned the world. Nothing could tear him down.
But not right now. Right now, he was like a shattered piece of glass, the shards cutting at my skin with painful clarity. I hated this for him.
“I saw her that day. I was the one that found her, you know,” he whispered. “I just don’t want to see her, Vera.”
“I know,” I replied while stroking his back. But honestly, I didn’t know. I didn’t know what the right thing to say in this moment was. I was at a loss. Hamilton needed help right now, but I didn’t know how to give it to him.
A knock on the window made me pull away, and Jess stood there with a forced grin. She was decked out in black armor, with goggles pushed up on top of her head. Strapped to her thigh was a paintball gun. Hamilton wiped his eyes and rolled the window down. “Hey there, asshole. We’re going paintballing. I also found a monster of a hike to go on. Then rock climbing. Racquetball at the gym. I’ve got every minute planned for the next twenty-four hours, so you better suit up so I can kick your ass.” Jess turned to look at me and winked. “I know we usually go to the strip club and get baked on the day we shall not name, but I’m thinking Vera can’t handle that. Infinity will stab me in the clit if I go.”
Hamilton let out an exhale, and the tension seemed to escape his shoulders. “Fuck yeah,” Hamilton exclaimed. “That sounds like an epic day. I did promise Vera I’d take her to dinner though.”
Jess arched a brow. “Oh? Where to?”
Hamilton swallowed and looked out the windshield, avoiding both of our gazes. “Romero’s Italian Restaurant.”
Jess went quiet. “Your mom’s favorite place,” she murmured. “You sure? You want me to go too?”
Hamilton reached out to grab my hand. “Nah. I think this will be really good.”
An awkward silence settled over the three of us for a few seconds, but Hamilton ended it with a clap of his hands. “I better go get my gear then, huh? Winner has to buy drinks later.” Jess whooped. I felt like I had whiplash. How could Hamilton go from falling apart to talking about paintball so quickly? We got out of the car, and Hamilton ran up to the front door. “Be right back.”
I stood on the sidewalk next to Jess, a million questions running through my mind. “Every year on the anniversary of her death, Hamilton gets antsy. Sometimes it can be a tad destructive, but most of the time you just have to plan out the entire day with him. He’s like a toddler. You have to wear him out so he won’t think about shit,” Jess explained casually, though her stance was anything but.
I nodded. Jess had been doing this for him every year? “The fact that he wants to take you to Romero’s is a big deal, Vera. He hasn’t eaten there since…”
I turned to face Jess. “Do you think keeping him busy until he passes out every year is healthy? He seemed manic almost…”
She scowled. “I think you don’t get to tell people how to handle their trauma. If my best friend wants to do crazy shit all day to feel better, then I’m going to do it.” I nodded. It wasn’t my place to tell them how to handle this. They’d been doing this for years. Jess cared about Hamilton, and I knew she wouldn’t do anything that was harmful to him. She was blunt to the point of painful. Running from a conversation or an issue wasn’t her thing, so if she was willing to go to these lengths to help him avoid shit, then it must be serious.
“You’re right. So how can I help?”
Her brows shot up. “No offense, but you don’t look like the type to do extreme sports. Did you hear what I said? Rock climbing. Hiking. Paintball. And that’s just half of it. I usually need a week after to recover. He does one thing, then runs off to the next. It’s exhausting.”
“Do you not want me to come?” I asked.
Jess paused. “What? No. I’m just saying that you’ll probably hate it. I’ve been doing this for him every year since I found out. Hamilton hurts himself if I don’t. One time I was busy with work, and he drank himself stupid—nearly wrecked his car. I’m always there for him when he gets like this. His family doesn’t give a shit. They never give a shit. He sometimes would wake up screaming from a nightmare… And yeah, maybe avoiding everything isn’t the healthiest way to handle it, but I care about him and—”
I wrapp
ed Jess in a large hug. I don’t even think she realized how her voice trembled. “You’re a good friend, Jess,” I murmured to her. She melted into my hug and some of the gruff determination she’d been carrying seemed to fade. “He’s lucky to have you.”
She sniffled and pulled away. “He’s just always been there for me. When my parents kicked me out, he was the one that helped me. I have one day in the year where he lets me return the favor. And I’m damn good at my one day, too. He doesn’t ever let me do shit for him. He doesn’t talk about his feelings. He doesn’t open up. But this is something I can do.”
“That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself, Jess. Have you ever considered that just being you helps him? You’re best friends. He loves you, Jess.”
“Hamilton is my bro, you know? This is my thing. Our thing…”
“Look, if you want me to stay home, I will. But you don’t have to do this alone. You don’t have to feel like your entire friendship depends on one day.”
“Do you ever just feel like you owe someone your life?” Jess asked quietly. She’d curled her arms around herself and was staring at the concrete. I knew exactly what she meant. Every day I woke up, I felt like I owed my mother. “I wasn’t always this confident, gorgeous bitch that had her shit together. I once struggled. Really bad. Hamilton stopped me from—” Jess grabbed her chest and rubbed it, like the pain in her words was stewing there. “Hamilton is a good man. A tortured man, but still good. This is the one day a year where he shows his vulnerabilities, and it’s also the one day a year I can pay him back for saving my life.”
Her words were powerful, landing like a punch straight to my chest.
I wanted to hug her. Reassure her. Shoulder some of the burdens she’d been carrying, but before I could, the front door opened, and Hamilton came jogging out. Jess wiped a stray tear and smiled. “You ready to have your ass handed to you?” she asked, her cocky façade flooding her tone.
“I seem to recall beating your ass last year?” Hamilton replied while Jess shook her head. They both looked at me, and I shifted on my feet awkwardly. I didn’t think this was something they wanted me to go to.
“Well, you guys have fun. I’ll see you later,” I said before stepping forward to give Hamilton a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I was still nervous for him, but I knew he was in good hands.
“I don’t think so, princess. You better get on some comfortable clothes because it’s girls against boys at paintball, and you can’t run in those boots you’re wearing,” Jess teased while nodding at my feet.
“Really?” I asked. Admittedly, I had zero desire to shoot paint at people, but if it was what they needed, then okay.
Jess leaned over and playfully shoved my shoulder. “Get dressed. We’re leaving in five.”
22
The restaurant looked cozy and romantic. It was dark inside, flickers of candlelight the only thing illuminating every table. The walls were lined with exposed brick, a warm red color. Arched windows lined a west-facing wall, showing off the last bit of light from sunset. It smelled delicious, robust Italian spices hitting my senses as waiters dressed in all black carried platters of authentic cuisine from table to table.
“This place is beautiful,” I whispered in awe.
“It’s the same as I remembered,” Hamilton replied quietly while we waited for a table. I reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing lightly. Today had been exhausting. Jess wasn’t kidding when she said we had to fill every second with activities to distract Hamilton. Paintball was fun, though I already had bruises forming on my back from where I got shot. I sat out on rock climbing, and the hike wasn’t a leisurely stroll. It was five miles on an intense incline with Hamilton practically jogging the entire way. Every muscle in my body was sore, and I knew that I’d be paying for our adventure for at least the next week.
I was surprised that Hamilton wanted to come here. It was his mother’s favorite restaurant, and I felt conflicted about his motives. From what I gathered, Hamilton didn’t want to think about her today. It’s why Jess had a fucking itinerary full of things planned out.
“Did your mother used to bring you here?” I asked softly. Dealing with Hamilton today was like navigating land mines. I wasn’t sure what was the right thing to ask and what would send him over the edge. I tried to stay attuned to his reactions, but his behavior made it difficult.
“I know you’re worried about me,” Hamilton said. “And I know this is confusing, and I should have probably given you a heads-up about today.” I chewed on my tongue, forcing myself not to ask him another round of questions. “I didn’t want to stress you out more than you already were. I thought I could handle it.”
“It doesn’t stress me out,” I argued. “What stresses me out is not knowing what to expect with you. I don’t want to say something that’ll upset you. You spent an entire day avoiding the issue, then bring me to a place that reminds you of her…”
The hostess called someone’s name, and a nearby party of four got up to be seated.
“Mom’s best friend owns this place,” Hamilton explained. “He and his husband moved away a while ago, but we would come here for everything. Birthdays. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Anniversaries. On the rare occasion I saw her happy, she was sitting in these booths. The night she died, we were supposed to go here to celebrate me scoring a goal in soccer.”
“But you never came here that night because she...” I whispered.
“No. And I haven’t been here ever since, either. I never really had someone that made me want to be happy again before. Jess tried. She thought I could get closure if I just finally went to dinner, you know? And I’m not stupid. I recognize that my coping mechanisms aren’t healthy. I just wanted to do this with you. We don’t have to talk about her. We don’t have to remember her right now. We just have to be happy for a night. I think she’d really like that—she’d really like you.”
“Beauregard, party of two?” The hostess said, drawing both of our attention. I stood up, though it felt like there was still so much more to say. Hamilton wrapped his arm around me before whispering in my ear.
“I just want to be happy tonight, okay? For her.”
“Okay,” I whispered back before he guided me through the restaurant toward our table.
Once we sat down, a waitress took our drink order. He got a glass of wine I’d never heard of before. I got water. “You did good out there at paintball. Though you kind of cheated by hiding for most of the game.”
“You’re just jealous that I was small enough to fit between those two boulders,” I replied with a chuckle. I welcomed the change in pace of our conversation. “I’m worn out, though. Can you massage my shoulders tonight?”
“I’ll do a full rub down on you, Petal,” Hamilton replied before lifting his wineglass and taking a sip. His eyes were trained on me as he drank.
“Good. Because I’m sore all over. Jess is like a drill sergeant.”
Hamilton tipped back his head and laughed, the sound melodic and tempting. “She takes today very seriously. I don’t know what I would do without her, honestly. And I’m shocked that she included you in it. She’s kind of…protective of that role. I’ve had girlfriends in the past, but she’s never invited them.”
Girlfriend? There was a lot to unpack with that statement. My eyes widened, but I tried to play it cool. “I like Jess,” I replied, my voice nothing but a squeak.
“Is the girlfriend label freaking you out?” Hamilton asked with a smirk. Damn him for knowing what I was thinking.
“Last I checked, you didn’t like labels,” I countered. It felt like we were playing a game of chess, with the first person to admit their feelings losing.
“I like that we’re doing plural things,” Hamilton replied. “I’d like to do couple things more.” I clutched my chest and stared at him. Hamilton was devastatingly sexy. He wore a suit for the occasion, his black hair combed to the side and the shadow of hair dusting his jaw giving him a dangerous edge. I could have crawle
d across the tabletop and kissed him. “Are you okay with labeling this? Are you prepared to go against your mother?”
I looked down at the table and took a steadying breath. “Yeah,” I replied nervously. “I think I am.”
“Look at me, Vera,” Hamilton replied. I followed his directions with a frown. “There’s no thinking. You either are or you aren’t. Now you know my intentions. You know me. You know my pain. I’ll give you time to decide, but I’m offering something real. Something that terrifies me because I have a habit of ruining all the good things in my life, but I want you, okay? I fucking want you. I just want to know that you’ll be mine no matter what. And I don’t think you will be until you pick up your phone and call your mother.”
I didn’t know what to say. I hated that I was still so controlled by a woman who had hurt me so much. I knew this limbo we were in had to end soon, but I wasn’t ready to face it all just yet.
“Fuck,” Hamilton cursed. He looked angry as he glared over my shoulder and across the room.
“What?” I asked while following his gaze. There, by the front door, stood… “Jack?”
“What the fuck is he doing here?” Hamilton growled.
Jack was standing alone by the front door, wearing a suit. He had his hands in his pockets and a nostalgic but anguished look on his face. The hostess smiled warmly at him and sat him at a corner booth by a window immediately. Hamilton watched as he sat down at a table across the restaurant from us. The waiter took away the other place setting, indicating that Jack was eating by himself.
A wave of sadness washed over me. Jack was absolutely a man tied to his responsibilities and status. I still wasn’t thrilled that he’d researched my family so thoroughly, even though I realized now that it was a necessity. My mother had lied to the Beauregards. Maybe Jack wasn’t intrusively crass after all, he’d just been conditioned to always be on the defense with his family because there were people constantly looking to take advantage of them. I’d only been in the family for a little while, and I had already been hounded and used.