I thought of Kelsey while I cleaned them off. She had texted me the night before asking if her father being in prison bothered me. Of course it didn’t. Not in the least bit. I still didn’t tell her that I had been though. My hands sweated every time I even thought about it. Was it weird I didn’t want to lose her after one meeting? I shrugged.
The water temperature spiked and I pulled my hands from the sink. “Ouch.”
“Paul, you have to pay attention.”
“Yes, Mema.” I turned and thanked her for the food. Kissing her forehead, I said goodbye and started toward the door.
“Get the bags into the car and I’ll be outside. I want to get a photo of you before you leave,” she said, tottering to her bedroom to get her camera.
---
After Mema snapped several pictures of me standing awkwardly in front of my car, she let me and my six pounds of leftovers go. With no frozen goods, I was free to drive straight to the re-entry program. I arrived there with no incident about a half hour later.
Getting out of the car, I realized Kelsey and I hadn’t scheduled the hike yet. I took out my phone and ran Mema’s advice through my head once more for good measure. If she’s the right one, there’s no need to worry. I typed up a message asking her when we’d hike and hit send. I could skip the re-entry gathering if needed, but I’d kind of enjoyed it so far. I’d only been once before though. Walking to the entrance, I felt my phone buzz - she replied to my text! I stopped to read her message.
Whatever works for you!
I cracked a smile at the exclamation mark. Was she excited? Only remembering that I was standing in front of the building entrance prevented me from clicking my heels together in joy.
Opening the door, I typed out a response with one hand and sent it.
How about tomorrow?
It was a win-win. I could get this in and see her. It was safe to say I was excited.
I made it another two steps before the phone buzzed again.
Sure, see you then.
I grinned and had to actively keep myself from celebrating in front of the receptionist. I went in, not thinking about anything but Kelsey. Jeeze, I was in trouble – already smitten. I waved to the lady in the main room and took a right, heading into the classroom. Today we’d be going over resumes.
Sitting down, I began to wonder how and when I should break the whole ‘prison news’ to her. Would her dad being in prison make it worse? Or would she be understanding? Well, regardless, I probably needed to tell her before we were alone at the top of a mountain. I didn’t want to scare her to death. Actually, I didn’t want to have her drive out there without knowing either. If she turned me down and had to drive all the way back home, that wouldn’t quite be fair to her. “I guess I’ll call her tonight,” I muttered to myself.
“Paul!” A voice from behind woke me from my internal debate. “You came back!”
“Of course I did.” I turned and stood up, coming face to face with one of the employees. “How’s it going, Will? How’s the baby?” He had introduced himself in the first session, detailing a tough time he’d had – not with prison, but depression.
“Oh, you know. The baby is great. Kristen too,” he responded, running a hand through his blond hair. “I’m still clueless and learning a million things a day, that’s for sure.”
We both shared a laugh. “We’re a sad bunch aren’t we?” I said.
“Definitely, sometimes,” he said. “Hey, how’s your Mema?”
“She’s good. Just came from there actually. I’m surprised you remembered.”
“You did mention some delicious foods. I’m expecting some one of these days.” He twisted his wrist and looked at his watch. “Have a seat, man. We’ll get started in a few seconds. Glad you came.” He clapped me on the shoulder and turned toward the front of the classroom.
I sat back down and checked my phone for a response. There was none. Then I realized I hadn’t responded to her. I mentally facepalmed. Maybe I’d think of something good and text her after the program. I laughed to myself, leaning back in my chair. The fluttering in my stomach took me back to grade school. I tapped the desk with my jittery fingers. How would I make it a whole day with this crush?
Will stood up at the front of the room and cleared his throat. “Okay, glad to have you all here today. It’s resume day.” A few sighs filled the air. “I know, I know. But it’s important.” His mouth twisted into a mischievous grin. “And, I may or may not have ordered pizza.”
“I can dig it!” one of the sighing men called out. The group spoke out in agreement.
Sitting silently, I nodded to myself, still thinking of tomorrow. Will began his presentation from the front of the room, going over the basics of the resume. I already had one, having already secured the job at Target, so I didn’t feel too bad about zoning out.
I was first interrupted when Charles came in late. I heard him speak with the receptionist before walking into the class, and again when he was apologizing to Will. Will went back to the board, mentioning something about keeping the rest of the meeting brief.
My mind wandered to a hopeful place. It thought of my resume being updated and getting my old job back. In this reverie, I left work and headed out to eat dinner with none other than Kelsey. I could hear her voice. “Sorry I’m late,” she’d say with that unreserved smile. I’d seen it only a few times, but it was burned into my brain.
I snapped out of my imaginary date when I realized the class had gone quiet. I looked around, then twisted in my chair to look at Will. He seemed confused. I followed his gaze, and in the doorway stood Kelsey. She was frozen in place, pizzas in hand. My wide eyes shot back to Will. The other people in the program muttered among themselves, with no idea what was going on.
“Something wrong, Kelsey?” Will asked, breaking the most confusing silence of my life.
“Uh,” Kelsey began, still looking at me. “No, no. I got the pizza – where do you want it?”
“The other meeting room is fine. Give us fifteen more minutes here.”
She nodded and quickly looked in my direction, before turning and leaving the room. Will picked up where he left off, giving me a curious look. Well, I guess I didn’t have to call her tonight… I felt my face heat up and my hands threaten to sweat.
Will finished up the lesson in about ten minutes, none of which I heard as my heartbeat was pounding in my ears. Once he dismissed us, everyone stood and went for the door, except me. I was caught deep in thought. I only snapped out of it when Will called my name.
“What was that all about? It’s hard to teach when there’s such tension in the room.” He exaggerated a wink at me. I slowly stood, but didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to say. “How do you know Kelsey?” he asked. “Is something wrong?”
I made eye contact with him and opened my mouth but found nothing came out. I shrugged. “I don’t even know.” I turned to walk out, briefly muttering, “I’ll let you know when I find out,” over my shoulder as I left the room.
Will was probably thoroughly lost now, but what could I have told him? I barely knew what was going on myself. My feet took me down the hall and I saw the sign for the meeting room. I took a deep breath and strode in. However, I felt my confidence drain out of me as I entered the room. I made my way to the pizza line to bide my time. Shit. Why was this such a big deal?
I kept my eyes to the ground and held my plate in front of me, waiting to reach the pizza boxes. I continually bit my lip – I would catch myself and then stop, only to begin biting it a few seconds later. Looking down, I hoped I didn’t develop any pit-stains; I was a nervous wreck.
At the pizza boxes, I picked up two slices, not caring what flavor they were. I closed the box and swiftly made my way to an open table. Sitting down, I wondered why I even bothered coming in here if I wasn’t going to pick my head up. Why was I hiding? This wasn’t prison – and I could tell that by the energy coursing through my veins. I had never felt this alive during my two years behin
d bars.
Straining my neck, I looked around the room, but Kelsey was nowhere to be found. I was hiding from someone that wasn’t even in the room. I sighed and took a bite of my pizza. Had she left after dropping off the food? I saw the answer was no when she walked back in carrying utensils. Swiftly dropping them off at the table, she made a beeline for me. She wore a smile, one probably attributed to nerves, but I couldn’t tell for sure. I was just thrilled she was willingly approaching me.
Six
Kelsey
Why is he here? I had carried the pizzas into the re-entry program I volunteered at on occasion, and saw the last thing I expected Paul. What was he doing at a re-entry program? Was he there as someone working to re-enter?
I had stood there like a deer in the headlights as Will addressed me, until I shook myself out of my trance to ask him where to place the pizzas. Right, the meeting room. I should have known that. But I didn’t, because I couldn’t stop guessing at what Paul could have done to become incarcerated and end up here. Scenarios flashed through my mind, from wondering what Paul did to earn his spot here back to my father. I knew what he had done, and if Paul had done anything like that, I didn’t know if I could muster up the courage to tell him off or ever talk to him again.. But I didn’t think he was like that.
Walking past the meeting room, I reached the end of the hall and was at least able to chuckle to myself. Suddenly, I seemed to have stopped functioning due to this Target security guard. He must have been doing well to already be employed. Did that mean it wasn’t that awful of a crime?
One part of me was cursing my luck because I had really been looking forward to going hiking with him. The other part of me said that was a dumb idea – hiking alone with an ex-con seemed like an easy way to end up dead. But the hike was going to be so nice. I wanted to bang myself against the table. Once I set the pizzas down, I realized I had forgotten the utensils and napkins. I groaned internally again before making my way to the pantry – not very ladylike, but Stacy wasn’t here to tell me otherwise.
At the pantry, I took a moment to compose myself. I closed the door behind me and the room fell into darkness. I gave myself a sixty count of deep breathing, trying to draw on that yoga app I had only used twice. When I was done, I felt a little better. My heart was no longer threatening to beat out of my chest. I readjusted my hair, putting it up in a ponytail, and grabbed the napkins and utensils. Then I walked out of the pantry, feeling ready for battle. The thing was, I didn’t know what I was going up against. My feelings? Rational thought? Whatever it was, I was ready. I walked into the room and dropped off the utensils and napkins before turning and heading toward Paul. At the very least, I could get some answers. The thought of finding answers to all my questions tugged the corners of my mouth into a small smile. Paul looked terrified when he saw me coming over. Was he as confused as I was? I wanted to think so, but then again, all he’d found out was that I was a volunteer.
I sat down across from him. “Hey.”
“Hi,” he said. “So…”
“Funny seeing you here,” I said, quickly filling the silence. It’d be funny once I got over the shock of it, maybe. He smiled slightly, seemingly unsure how I was going to react.
“Yeah, I didn’t know how, or when, was appropriate to tell you,” he replied, softly.
“It’s not too big a deal. I’d like to hear about it though.” That was the best thing I could think to say. I wondered if he expected me to slap him across the face and block his number. Of course, I was sure many other girls would have gone down that route, but I was intrigued, and we were in public. The least I could do was give him a few minutes to share, for his sake… and mine, in case he turned out to be something special. As if.
“Over a hike?” He forced a smile. “No, I’m just kidding.”
I laughed. “You know, that’s a good question.”
“I can just tell you everything now if you’d like? I wouldn’t know where to start otherwise.”
“Okay.” I leaned forward in my seat and sank my chin into my palms. This was as good a starting point as any. If he hadn’t offered so directly, I imagined we’d have been jumping around the point for a good ten minutes. Now the gossip girl in me would get to learn what he’d done.
He cleared his throat and began. “I was working with my computer science degree. Life was decent enough. I was living with my girlfriend at the time, Alisha. We had been together,” he looked to the ceiling in thought, “maybe a couple of years? Sorry, I try not to think about her. One day, I came home from work, kicked off my shoes, and before I could sit down, I found the police knocking at my door. They had a tip that I—” He paused, pursing his lips. His eyes swept to the table as he fumbled for a napkin.
I reached forward and briefly touched his hand. “Hey, you don’t have to tell me.”
He looked up and shook his head. “No, no, it’s okay. I just haven’t talked about it with, well, anyone. Anyway, they came in the house and found drugs.” He ran his hand over his hair before grimacing, almost imperceptibly. “I don’t know how they got there. And I’m not asking you to believe me at this moment, but I don’t…”
“Paul, it’s okay,” I said, reassuring him. “You don’t have to worry about convincing me of anything right now. I’m not a judge or anything. Just the pizza-delivering volunteer.”
He cracked the first hint of a genuine smile. “Sorry. I’m just used to… everyone leaving, and I like you.”
I bit my lip, but I was sure it didn’t hide the smile that curled up my face. I was at a loss for words, and reached down to fiddle with the ring on my finger. Making eye contact with me, he looked eager for affirmation that it was okay to say that. For someone who’d been arrested and put in prison, he was quite respectful. Although, I guess I should have known, as most of the people at this program were kind, and just had been in a bad spot at one point. When his face began to lose its optimism, I realized I had been sitting there thinking for a few seconds too long. I felt time slow around me as I debated the pros and cons of admitting I thought he was cute from the first time I saw him leaning against the carts. Could I pursue something with this guy?
“I like you, too.” I pulled my hands into my lap, determined to focus on him. “It’s just a lot to take in so suddenly. I was supposed to just bring pizzas to where I volunteer tonight!”
We both laughed. The tension in my shoulders dissipated. I could still talk to him, we could get to know each other, and it didn’t mean he would automatically be like my father. I shivered at the thought of my dad, before pushing him out of my head.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Sorry, just thought of my dad.”
“Oh,” he said. “Well, what made you want to volunteer?”
“It’s only fair I tell you this then, because no one really knows I volunteer here. But if I’m being honest, I want to do my best to prevent anyone from turning into the kind of guy my dad is. They can’t all be beyond saving.” It was the first time I had said it aloud, but I had attempted to convince myself many times as I walked into this building.
“I understand,” he said. “Hope is a powerful thing.”
I nodded.
“You can make a difference,” he added.
“Thanks,” I said. It was a terrible answer, but I was at a loss for words.
“Ultimately,” he started, “I’d love to see this through. I can understand if you’re uncomfortable with my, well, my past. But I do hope you’ll give me the chance to show you who I am.”
He really wasn’t helping the whole speechless thing. I’d never heard something so honest from a guy before. But here this unknown guy was, listening to my feelings and giving me an option based on what he’d heard? Not trying to force me into what was best for him? “Wow.”
“I'm sorry?” he said.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to say that aloud. I’m just a bit shocked.” I looked down at the table and touched his hand. I loved the way he flinched ever so sl
ightly, trying to contain his absolutely contagious smile.
“So, are you down to see what we can get into?” he asked.
“Sure,” I said. “Why not?”
“Great!” He clapped his hands once. “Now to get you to hear my sweet guitar sounds.”
“You play?” I said, in a tone unfortunately resembling a squeal.
“I do,” he beamed. “But I’m yet to build my callouses back up.”
“Hey guys.” Will’s voice carried from the doorway. We looked in his direction. “I’m about to take off. You know, baby stuff. But you know I’m going to ask about earlier…” He winked and walked away. Just as I was turning back to face Paul, Will’s head popped back around the doorframe. Looking at Paul, he said, “Watch her, she’s dangerous.”
Paul looked to me and I gave him the most innocent look I could muster. He raised a curious eyebrow.
I shrugged. “A girl’s gotta have her secrets.”
Seven
Paul
There was still a chance. She hadn’t run away. Maybe she was a little more hesitant, but that was to be expected. That was more than fair. Maybe Mema was right. Maybe there was someone out there willing to put up with me even though I brought so little to a relationship.
I sat on my couch, waiting to text Kelsey. I had been a jittery mess of nerves since I last saw her yesterday. Now I sat here, just working up the courage to text her again. I’d have to text her soon or I wouldn’t get anything done – I could only think about her. Hopefully texting her would alleviate that. Before today, I had never felt excited to attend the re-entry program. But here I was, counting down the days until the next session.
I powered my phone on and stared at it, each step closer to the messaging page giving me pause. Why was she willing to try with me? I clicked on the messaging icon. What did I have to offer her? I brought up a new message and typed in her name. Well, here goes nothing. Before I could hit the send button, a message flashed on my screen from “Her :)”, the nickname I had assigned Kristen in my phone.
25 to Wife Page 3