Her name was Lily, and she was lovely, she fully encouraged my butterfly side whilst also being fair competition in our garden football matches. She was natural, and kind, feminine and sporty. She was perfect for my Dad, and a perfect fit for us, but something just wasn’t working out, and they ended it before it got toxic.
I remembered being devastated, and openly sharing my devastation with my Dad who was equally as. It still blew me away how my Dad could be attracted to a woman like Lily, and also, a woman like my Mother.
My Mother who was fake, inside and out, who’s fillers and plumper’s, and fake, sharp nails were her biggest expensive and one true love. Who had a Spanish boyfriend, who was toned and wore super short shorts and was maybe just two or three years older than me. I had commented in passing that he was attractive, but she hadn’t liked that at all.
Whenever we met, it was in a coffee shop, so we could both have a noncommittal cup of coffee and not have to awkwardly wait for food, or ultimately split the bill. Instead we sat opposite each other, her far too long nails tapping against the ceramic of her mug whilst I swayed my bottle coke from side to side.
“Twenty.” She said shaking her head, I raised an eyebrow at her, “I can’t believe my baby is twenty.”
“I wouldn’t say I’m a baby.” I muttered, she tutted as she tapped her fingers on the table.
“You’re my baby.”
“I wouldn’t quite say I was that either.” I said she sighed, and then silence. I took a drink out of my coke, as she drank her coffee. “Why did you want to see me?”
“It’s your birthday.”
“You could’ve just sent me a text.”
“How impersonal is that Sam.” She said, I rolled my eyes.
“How’s Lorenzo?” I mocked; she rolled her eyes straight back.
“He is fine.” She said, her nails clicking against the table top, “he’s a bartender now, did I tell you.”
“Oh no, you hadn’t mentioned it.” I said, she nodded,
“Yes, he did a qualification…”
“He did a qualification in bar work?” I repeated, she nodded.
“Yes, top of his class.”
“Oh.”
“Thinking about opening a bar in Spain.”
“Go Lorenzo.” I said as I looked around the café.
“It’ll be brilliant you can come and visit Sam, bring a little girlfriend maybe?”
“Funny really, as I don’t have one.” I said raising my eyebrow at her, she waved her hand at me.
“You’re a handsome boy, it won’t be too long.” She said, I rolled my eyes. “How’s your Dad?”
“On a date.” I said, she nodded as she picked her phone out of her bag, she began to tap at it, click, click, click, click.
“Oh great.” She said, I sighed.
“Think it could be really serious this time.”
“Great.”
“They could ever get married.”
“Wonderful.” She said, I sighed then read my watch.
“I’m going to go.”
“Wait.” She said simply, I frowned at her, “wait, wait don’t you want your birthday present?”
“Birthday present?” I repeated, she nodded. “You’ve never gotten me a birthday present.”
“Oh don’t be stupid, of course I have.” She said then muttered things to me, as she went through her frada bag passing me a blue envelope. I frowned at it, she shrugged dramatically at me telling me to basically open it, so I did. The card was generic, blue with Birthday Wishes on it, and for some reason a blue champagne bottle. I frowned at it, then opened it.
“Thanks.” I said as twenty pounds fell out of the card.
“It’s funny do you get it? Twenty pounds, because you’re twenty.”
“Right, yeah funny.” I said nodding then I sighed. “Thanks.” I said again, then I stood from the table, she waved her attention drifting towards her phone before I’d even taken a step away. I stepped outside, then I groaned before turning on the spot, and walking towards the chippy.
I frowned as I walked down my path, a bag of chips in my hand, as I picked from them.
“Chip?” I asked, Frankie looked up from my doorstep, examining me.
“Is that a football top?” he asked, I nodded, sitting beside him on the doorstep. “England?” he said, I nodded again as he picked up the sleeve, examining the three lions on my chest. “You’re far, far more caterpillar than normal, are you okay?”
“Mum.” I said,
“Ah.” He said nodding, I nodded back then stroked over his thigh.
“You’re here because?” I said, he shook his head so I nodded towards his backpack. “I’m going to need better than that.”
“She kicked me out.” he said, I frowned.
“What?”
“She…”
“Okay, why?” I said, he rolled his eyes, saying something just quiet enough that I couldn’t hear it. “Frankie.” I stated, he looked up at me and pulled his tongue out. I almost laughed as I held his chin. “That’s sick.” I said, he grinned then covered his mouth.
“Apparently. It makes me look like a...” He whispered; I shook my head so he sighed, “and how could I even think it’s okay to spend her money on a shit stunt like this, what are you trying to do? Make a point? Rebel? You trying to embarrass me, you little shit. Look at yourself, you look like a...” He met my eyes. “Get the fuck out of my house.” he shrugged then he sighed closing his eyes so I wrapped my arm around him. Kissing the top of his head then leaning my head against his.
“What the fuck?” I whispered, I felt him nod. “Why did you go and get your tongue pierced without me?” I asked, he laughed as he took a chip. He took a bite then he winced.
“It wasn’t meant to go the way it did. I was just… I don’t know. I just want to be invisible sometimes, you know. Yes, I’m proud to nonbinary, I am, but at the same time can’t it just be so normalised that people don’t stare, or that my Mum doesn’t think I’m a rebelling weirdo who’s just trying to piss her off.” He shook his head, “or I could just wake up and be normal.”
“Why?” I whispered, he looked at me, “you’re Frankie. You wear floral shirts, and purple doc martens. You have a tongue stud, and for some reason, are still wearing my hoodie.” I said tugging on the pocket of it, he almost laughed. “You’re colourful and exciting, you’re far from normal, and it’s perfect. I am so envious of you.”
“Envious?”
“Yes.” I said nodding then I sighed. “Frankie I wake up every morning look at the colourful side of my wardrobe, then close it, and put on my trackie pants, or my shorts and a football top or a t-shirt that declares Just Do It, because I am in fact too scared to just do it.” I said, he shook his head.
“Do you know who we should be really envious of?” he asked, I laughed.
“Skylar?” I asked, he nodded.
“The bitch.” He added, so I grinned then I hugged him. “You’re beautiful Sam, you should wear whatever you want. No compromise.”
“No compromise.” I agreed. “You want to stay here tonight?” I asked, he nodded slowly.
“Please.” He whispered, “where’s your Dad?”
“He’s on a date.”
“Go Nick.” He said amused so I smiled as I passed him the chips then stood and opened my front door. I picked up his backpack and started up the stairs into my bedroom. He followed, then began to laugh so I turned to him. “How on earth did you break your bed Sam?” he asked as he inspected the snapped bedframe that somehow my Dad hadn’t seen yet. I laughed as I tapped my lips then turned to him.
“I was playing COD.”
“Oh.”
“I got a bit overly excited during one of the missions. I jumped up and the bed collapsed.” I said, he laughed shaking his head at me as he walked around my bed and sat at the head.
“You were gaming, right.” He said softly, “got excited during a game, right.”
“Stop saying it like that.” I
said laughing then I sat next to him, “stop.” I said then pushed him so he laughed, pushing me back. He grinned at me as I shook my head and pushed him so he was lying back onto my bed. I knelt over him, as he pushed me back, then over so he was knelt above me, sitting on the bottom of my stomach and grinning at me, so I pushed him back by the shoulder making him laugh and lean down to me,
“Gaming.” He whispered, as he got closer, I shook my head at him laughing as I pushed back his shoulders.
“I wasn’t, I was playing COD.” I squeaked as he grinned, leaning closer to me, his nose touching mine before he gasped then licked me. He laughed at his own action, biting down on his tongue, the stud catching the sunlight, so I watched it until he moved down again and licked my neck making me shiver. He laughed as he sat up then his eyes met mine, so I frowned at him until he stroked down my chest.
“So nice of you to stand for me Sammy.” He whispered, I frowned again, then I sat up, watching him fall off me onto my bed then begin giggling as I rose my legs to my chest.
“Frankie.” I stated as I hit his legs so he looked up at me the laughter still evident as he sat himself up,
“Don’t worry sugar.” He said softly as he held my face in his hands. “They don’t mean anything, right.” He said, his voice raising at the end so I sighed.
“Right.” I whispered, because we made that deal pretty quickly into our friendship. When we started sleepovers, him fifteen and me sixteen, the very first morning we woke up in the bed together, and I was of course fully erect, we both agreed that they didn’t mean a damn thing and they totally didn’t matter. It didn’t stop me blushing so hard my face turned red or in fact stop my stomach from doing that thing that feels like it’s dropping out of my ass.
“Hey baby.” He said stroking his fingers through my hair so I looked at him. “It doesn’t mean anything.” He said then stroked my cheek. “Don’t be embarrassed.” He added, then he laughed. “Then again, it could mean you have a tongue stud kink.” He said, I laughed, turning towards him as he pulled his tongue at me, I pulled mine back. “Let’s go out.”
“Go out?” I repeated, he nodded,
“I presume you got some more guilt money.”
“Twenty.” I murmured, “Funny isn’t it, because I’m twenty.”
“Oh baby.” He said, I laughed, “you’re so old.” He added, I gasped at him then I stood from my bed.
“Why do you want to go out?”
“Honestly…” he said, I nodded. “I just want to dance. Play pool, I don’t even want to drink.”
“Like we used to.” I said, he nodded then he laughed.
“Water at the bar, because…”
“Water is free and you don’t need any ID.” I said, he nodded happily as he moved across my bed to sit over the edge.
“Those were some of the best nights out.” he said softly, as I searched through my wardrobe until I found a shirt. I took it out holding against myself then grinned at Frankie’s gasp.
“That is beautiful.” He said as he stood, running his hands down the shirt until he was holding the bottom. “I would never have picked a yellow shirt for you, but my god Sammy I am here for it.”
“Good.” I whispered, he grinned as I pulled off my top, I threw it onto my bed as I replaced it with the shirt. I turned to search through my wardrobe until I found a pair of ripped jeans. I stepped into them then grinned at Frankie as he was now stood. A beautiful deep pink floral shirt over his purple binder. He smiled at me then held his arms out to me, so I went to him, hugging him.
“Let’s go dance.” I said, he nodded.
There was a club, on Stanley Street that the boys at Rainbow Connection Trans had told us about. The club didn’t ever request ID, and the booze was cheap. It sat right in the heart of gay town, between a Drag club and a Sailor Bar. The boys of RCT had raved about it, as most of them looked years younger than their actual legal ages. We were then, of course, dragged to it the following Pride, and pretty much every Pride afterwards.
Frankie had loved it because he just wanted somewhere to dance, never drink and apparently no other club on Stanley Street appreciated that, or played nineties pop songs and party dances.
I sat on a bar stool, nursing a pint of beer, doing the YMCA along with the rest of the room whilst Frankie bounced around the dance floor excitedly doing the middle bits of the dance until he rounded back to me, the sweat dripping off him, the heat radiating onto me, so I laughed holding my pint to him. He nodded to me, taking a gulp of it then kissing my cheek.
“Thank you.” He whispered, “I needed that.” He added then sat on the bar stool next to me running his fingers through his hair and making it stick up. “I was…” he paused, looking out over the dance floor then standing and coming closer to me, so he was talking directly into my ear. “There’s a boy.” He whispered, I nodded.
“You can have sex if you want to.” I said then turned, as he did we just about missed headbutting each other.
“Really?” he said, I nodded then frowned at him. “I’ll…” he began then he seemed to get stuck.
“Tomorrow morning. Come back to mine okay.” I said softly, he smiled then he nodded. “Just don’t take them back to mine.”
“Of course not.” He said, then kissed my cheek waving to me with his just his fingers then disappearing back into the swarm of people who were now doing the locomotion. I smiled as I watched him go turning back on the stool and requesting another pint.
❋
Chapter Nine
I was definitely in a girl’s bedroom, or at least someone of the more feminine persuasion. The assault of pink on my eyes as I opened them was almost too much to bear partnered with the multiple stuffed animals and fairy lights that lined the room. I frowned as I sat up rubbing my eyes then looking under the cover and laughing before searching for my pants.
I found my shirt first, putting it on then stepping into my boxers as I got out of the bed, and walked towards the wall of pictures. They were all polaroid’s, stuck on the wall in the shape of a heart, so I examined them, trying to find the girl who I’d obviously slept with last night. She cleared her throat. I jumped out of my skin.
“Oh my god I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” She said laughing as I turned to look at her, then I smiled at her, she smiled back. “Or wake you, I guess.” She added; I shook my head.
“You didn’t wake me.” I said quietly, then I laughed, “you did scare me.” I said, she grinned.
“Sorry Sam.” She said softly, I nodded to her as she came towards me, her wheels only doing a half circle before she was directly in front of me. I looked up meeting her eyes as she held a cereal bar up to me, I frowned at her then I took it so she laughed.
“Thanks…” I said then bit my lip, until I got it. “Hannah.” I added, she gasped.
“Well done pretty boy.” She said then she grinned at me, as I unwrapped the bar and took a bite. “You can stay if you like? If you want.” She said shrugging as she went to her bed. She smiled at me as she unbuckled her belt and pushed herself onto her bed, I smiled back then looked around her room. “It’s half ten.” She added, I laughed.
“I think I’m going to have to get home.” I said, then shook my head, “but that’s nothing against you, in fact I’d quite like to see you again. Hannah.” I said she laughed, tapping the bed beside her so I went to sit next to her. “I feel like you’re about to let me down gently whilst also criticising how I have sex.” I said, she frowned, “how I make love.” I added, she laughed. “How I fu-”
“No.” she said shaking her head, “no, I was going to give you my number, suggest we pick up a coffee sometime?” she asked, I nodded then looked around again,
“My phone is?” I asked, she hummed, “in my jeans, which are?”
“Oh.” She said then pushed herself to the end of her bed, then picking up my jeans, I laughed reaching for them. Stepping into them and lifting my phone out of my pocket. I glanced over my notifications, hovering o
ver the one that was sent by Frankie before swiping my notification centre up and passing my phone to her. She grinned, typing her number in then she kissed my cheek.
“Thanks for a good night.” She whispered, then winked at me so I grinned.
I laughed as I walked towards my house and my Dad walked in the opposite direction towards me. He looked up from his phone as he neared the house, reaching into his pocket so I jingled my keys at him. He looked towards me, then laughed.
“Dirty stop out.” he said, I gasped.
“You can talk.” I said as we reached our gate, he opened it, I stepped through it. “Your date go well?”
“Yes.” he said amused, “very.” He said then ran his hand through my hair. “Where did you end up?”
“A girls.” I murmured, “Frankie and I went to a club…” I put my key into the door, “oh.”
“Oh?”
“Frankie’s mum kicked him out.”
“Shit.” He breathed, I nodded. “He’s staying here.” He said, I frowned.
“You’re okay with that?”
“I’d be pissed if you hadn’t offered to let him stay here, I raised you better than that.” He said, I smiled as he took his jacket off hanging it over the banister. “Where is he?”
“Boy.” I said widening my eyes at him,
“Ah.” He said nodding, as he started up the stairs, then he turned. “How did it go with?”
“As well as always.” I muttered as I sat on the couch, “I don’t want to see her again.”
“I hear you kid.” He said as he sighed and continued up, I turned as there was a timid knock on the front door. I stood to open it, smiling at Frankie as he stood on the other side. He laughed as I opened the door and examined him.
“Good night?” I asked, he shrugged almost timidly,
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