Butterfly Boys

by Cameron James

  “Hey.” He said softly, “I was knees deep into my dissertation and thought, I need a break.”

  “So you called me?” I asked, he nodded as I laughed. “This isn’t one of those dirty calls is it? My daddy warned me about them.” I teased, he laughed.

  “Sam.” He said, I grinned.

  “I also was knee deep into my dissertation; I’ll have you know.”

  “No distractions?”

  “What, you mean Frankie? He’s in class.” I said nodding, he nodded back slowly so I frowned at him,

  “What’s your topic?”

  “How hormone treatment on trans athletes does not give them an advantage.” I said rolling my eyes, he smiled.

  “Very you Sam.”

  “I think I’ll take that as a compliment.”

  “You should.” He said amused, as he examined me, I almost frowned back at him so he shrugged. “Do you think we could’ve done this?”

  “Done what?” I asked, he smiled his eyes dropping as he looked at, presumably, his keyboard.

  “This. Long distance, because this’d be what it would be like…” he said, I frowned.

  “If we’d stayed together.” I said, he nodded,

  “Or got back together.” He said, I looked at him through the screen, because I did love Ben. I had loved Ben for so, so long, but I also kind of hadn’t.

  I’d loved Ben when we were fourteen, fifteen and sixteen, when we were kids and we were snogging whenever we were left alone, together, for more than five minutes.

  I’d loved him when he’d smile as he said my name, and when he’d tell me weird, and wonderful facts about computers or why my phone sometimes didn’t recognise my fingerprint as my own.

  I’d loved him when he took my virginity, when we’d stumbled over who should be on top, and who should wear the condom and what the fuck lube was. I loved him when I told my Dad confidently that I’d had sex with the boy I was pretty sure I was going to marry someday. I definitely loved him through all of them times, but now I definitely didn’t love him anymore.

  Because, now I loved Frankie and even though I was pretty sure Frankie didn’t love me back, jumping into a long distance and potentially painful relationship with Ben was not the answer to that, so I shook my head.

  “No, I don’t think we could’ve done it.” I said softly, ensuring, hoping that it didn’t hurt too much, his face told me otherwise.

  “I should…”

  “Probably get back to writing my dissertation, yeah me too.” I said, he nodded as he chewed on his bottom lip.

  “Bye Sam.”

  “Bye.” I said waving timidly as the call disconnected. I looked at the words CALL DISCONNECTED until there was a knock on my door. I jumped as it opened. Skylar smiled at me, so I smiled back.

  “You coming to the vigil?”

  “Yes.” I said nodding, “shit, yes.” I said then saved my document again standing and grabbing my jacket. “How’s Oakley?” I asked, as I put my jacket on, walking with Skylar out of our flat as I fixed my collar.

  “He’s actually alright.” They said nodding, “I think he’s somehow persuaded Riley to get him another cat.”

  “You’re kidding.” I said laughing, they smiled as they shook their head.

  “I didn’t say he’d persuaded Kieran yet.” They said pointing at me, so I nodded. “He’ll be back with us soon. Riley said once the stitches have fallen out, he should be okay to move back into our flat.”

  “That’s good.” I said quietly, they agreed.

  “We might be able to have sex again.” They grinned at me, so I tutted at them, they laughed. “It’s not the only thing on my mind. I stayed at Riley’s through the week. Oakley’s fine, believe me.”

  “But?” I said, they shrugged.

  “But it was only hand stuff.” They smiled at me; it was cheeky. “He said it hurt to open his mouth too wide. I told him that was unfortunate for someone who plays the clarinet.” They said, I laughed shaking my head as we crossed the street toward Rainbow Connection.

  “Sam!” Olly stated happily, running around the line of people until he reached me, and was able to hug me, so I cuddled him back.

  “When did your train come in?”

  “An hour or so ago. Chandler and I came together.” He said turning to Chandler who I high-fived as he walked towards me.

  “What’s this I hear about you asking Frankie out on a date?” Chandler said, I scoffed as Skylar laughed.

  “Excuse me?” they said, I looked at them shaking my head,

  “He said no.” I said quickly, Skylar clicked their tongue.

  “For real?” they asked, I nodded watching as they thought something over. “I’m going to find Frankie.” They said, I shook my head as they walked away from us, weaving their way through the line until they went into the building.

  “Thanks.” I said, Chandler smiled.

  “Always happy to help.” He said then turned to Olly who had his hands over his mouth.

  “I’m sorry was that private?” he asked, I sighed.

  “Well it doesn’t matter now.” I ensured I smiled; I saw as Olly physically relaxed. “How long are you here for?” I asked, Olly shook his head as Chandler did.

  “Just the vigil. We’ve got classes tomorrow morning, but it felt wrong not to come to vigil.”

  “We heard about Oakley.” Olly said, I frowned at him, “I’m sorry.” He added.

  “He’s okay.” I whispered, he nodded.

  “We heard that too, but it must’ve been so scary for you.” He said softly, “I was worried you might hide in your cocoon for a little while.”

  “Not me.” I whispered; Olly smiled then turned as the line began to move, so he moved with it. Following the line of people into the building.

  The Rainbow Connection vigil was an annual event that started twenty years ago, when a member of RCT had tragically died. The centre, as a whole decided they wanted to remember them and the other fallen Angels of the centre with a candle lit vigil which fell between Halloween and Bonfire Night.

  “Hey.” Frankie said to me, tapping me on the shoulder as he found me, so I turned to him. “I need to talk to you.” He said, I frowned.

  “Why?” I asked, as I passed him his candle holder. Dropping a little tealight into the holder.

  “About something you said.” He said, I shook my head he did it back. “I, just…” he began then turned towards the front as the microphone was tapped by Kaiden who welcomed us all.

  He requested we light our candles, so I pulled Frankie towards the matches, lighting my candle, then his. We stood pretty central, with Riley, who’s arm was wrapped around Kieran as they held their little candles between them, Rory and Alistair were nearby. Rory with his arms around Luca, and Alistair with his around Connor.

  Luca and Connor holding the candles next to Enzo and Caleb, who had weaved little twinkly fairy lights around the hood of the pram. Caleb held Emma on their hip, she held their candle in both hands, a little fake flickering tealight in the holder. Skylar’s parents were stood amongst the crowd with their own candles flickering away, like my Dad’s and Chris’ as they stood just behind us, and Olly, and Chandler’s who were stood next to me.

  Kaiden spoke, as he always did. He spoke well and for just long enough that no-one got bored, then Grayson usually took over. Thanking everyone for their continuing support and love for the centre. He read the names of those we’d lost in the year, rounding up his speech this time around by wishing Oakley a speedy recovery, then he gave way to the band.

  Skylar walked on with the first row, taking their seat with their trumpet in their normal concert attire of a black waist coat, white shirt and black bowtie. They smiled as they rested their trumpet against their legs, waiting for the other lines to follow.

  Oakley came on with the second. I turned to Riley as did Frankie.

  “He wanted to do it.” Riley whispered, “we made him play it at home first and he did it with minimal issue, so…” he
shrugged lightly as Oakley beamed whilst he sat and waited for the cue.

  “A bit of concealer later and we’re ready to go.” Rory said softly, I laughed as I looked at Oakley. You couldn’t tell, not really, that he had a line of stitches between his eyes and over his nose, or in fact that his nose was bruised after the surgery. His smile almost glowed as he rose his bass clarinet and began to play it with the rest of the band.

  “I know this.” I whispered as Frankie swayed against me, he nodded, his arm around mine, making me sway with him.

  “A Thousand Years.” he said softly, then looked at me. he smiled, so I smiled back, kissing his cheek before leaning my head against his.

  “Oh, before I forget.” I whispered, Frankie nodded, I could feel it. “You’ll have to meet my Dad’s new boyfriend.” I said, Frankie gasped, headbutting me as he turned to look at me, so I grinned, then pointed towards them.

  “Oh, I like his beard.” He said, I nodded as he leant his head back on mine, watching as the band finished the song, and started a second.

  ❋

  Chapter Twenty-one

  I pulled my work polo out of the wardrobe, hanging it on my wardrobe knob and ruffling it out. I sighed, as I pinned my name badge to my top, then turned towards my bedroom door as I opened with quite a swing.

  “I have an issue.” Frankie said, I frowned at him as he walked towards me.

  “An issue?”

  “Yes. A pretty big issue actually.”

  “Erm.”

  “You sat there, in the hospital room, the night Oakley woke up and with a straight face, stated that I did not feel that way towards you.” He said, I frowned as he shook his head. “I presume you meant romantically or whatever.”

  “And you have an issue with this?”

  “Yes. yes I do have a fucking big issue with this Sam.”

  “Why?” I said, “it’s true isn’t it.” I said, he shook his head as he walked towards me.

  “Sam, how, how can you even think that. I have known you for four years Sam. I know that your favourite drink is vodka and coke, but you drink beer in social situations. I know that you love Vans but prefer wearing their classics. I know that your favourite Disney Princess is Kuzco because you swear he’s the most legit Disney Princess, and your favourite Doctor is the Tenth, because you love the shit out of David Tennant. Your favourite flavour of my vape is strawberry, and you don’t eat ice cream but when you do it’s mint chocolate chip.

  I know you didn’t really mind school, and you were out for most of it. I know you lost your virginity to Ben on the last day of school. I know you’ve wanted to do Sports Science in uni for years, because you want to be a PE teacher, and if not a PE teacher, you want to become a sports therapist.

  I know you like freckles on boys, and prefer dogs. I know you wear Jean Paul Gaultier which, by the way smells incredible. I know you go to bed with two pillows and usually end up with none.

  I know that you and Olly met when you were seven, and Chandler when you were eleven, and Olly’s your best friend in the entire world, and you’re possibly the best person for understanding his autism and bringing him down from a meltdown. I know you used to drink a shitload of coffee, and your Dad made you stop because you’d be bouncing around on the caffeine, but if you do drink coffee now, you have a cappuccino.

  I know you’re a Leo and my god, Sam, are you a Leo, you’re so caring and generous, and oh my god Sam sometimes you’re far too honest for your own good.” He sighed as he rubbed his forehead. “How can you stand there and not realise that I love you.”

  “What?” I whispered, he looked up at me, “how can you love me? You’ve… you’ve never loved me.”

  “Oh Sam, you idiot I’ve always loved you. From the moment I met you.”

  “No you haven’t.” I whispered.

  “Yes, I have.” He said, it almost sounded sad. “Oakley and Sky rip me to pieces because I wouldn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell you because what if you didn’t feel the same way, and we’re such good friends and I didn’t want to fuck that up.”

  “Oakley and Sky know?”

  “Of course they do. Sky’s my best friend, I tell them everything. Oakley, well, Oakley figured it out.” he said in a sigh, I looked at him as he shook his head. “I think I’ve said my piece.” He said, then turned to leave my room, so I grabbed out for him. Shaking my head as I pulled him back towards me. Our fronts bumped against each other, he almost laughed his breath jolting as we collided, then he looked up at me. “Sam.” He whispered; I shook my head.

  “Shut up.” I said, he frowned.

  “But Sam…” he said, I sighed.

  “Frankie, just… shut up.” I said, then rose his chin, and kissed him. He gasped against me, wrapping his arms around my neck, pulling me closer then he began to laugh, pushing my head down until our foreheads were against each other.

  “Fuck.” He whispered, I laughed covering my mouth as he shook his head. “Now I owe Sky five pounds.” He said, I laughed before running my fingers through his hair, his head leaning back as I did, then he smiled at me. “You love me too?”

  “I like you a considerable amount.” I said, he laughed, I sighed. “And spoiler alert, everyone knows.” I said, he sighed shaking his head.

  “I guess now we need to have a really long conversation about all kinds of things, and stuff.”

  “That sounds serious. No, can we just go to sleep?” I said, he laughed but nodded as he rubbed his eyes.

  “Yes. I’m shattered.” He said shaking his head. “Are you my boyfriend?”

  “Do you want me to be your boyfriend?” I asked, he nodded almost shyly. I grinned as I bit my lip, moving my head closer to him, then backing away so he laughed.

  “Are you scared to kiss me now?”

  “Yes.” I whispered, he laughed licking his lips and examining mine.

  “Five?” he suggested, I nodded.

  “Four.” I whispered,

  “Three.”

  “Two.”

  “One.” We whispered together, then leant towards each other, smiling like children before kissing again.

  “So weird.” I whispered, he laughed covering his face.

  “Is this going to be so weird that we can’t do it?” he asked, I frowned then shook my head.

  “I hope not.”

  “Me too.” He whispered, “I think we should agree that we shouldn’t change how we act around each other. We’re so comfortable Sam. Like come on I have chest dysphoria to the worse degree but you’ve seen me without my binder.” He said then kind of wobbled his head at me. “So, don’t change but kiss a little more.” He said happily, I smiled. “And maybe, I don’t know…” he said softly as his hand slipped up from my knee to my thigh. I put my hand on top of his. He tutted, although I could tell he was definitely joking. I linked my fingers with his, lifting our hands together and kissing his fingers.

  We went to my house, my Dad’s house, as we figured together that was where we wanted it to be. The house was empty when we arrived, so we frowned at each other as we stood at the bottom of the stairs.

  “He must be in work.” I said, Frankie nodded slowly his breath stuttering lightly. “I mean, I figure he’s in work.”

  “That’d make sense.” He said, I took his hand, squeezing it gently. He smiled at me, I nodded back then tugged lightly, so he’d follow me up the stairs. I laughed as we went into my bedroom.

  “Frankie, you’ve been in here so often. You’ve slept in here since you were fifteen.” He said as I let go of his hand and hung my jacket on my wardrobe.

  “Yeah.” He agreed as he sat on my bed, “never with intentions.”

  “You have intentions?” I teased, he turned to look at me as I rose my eyebrow at him, he almost spluttered so I sat on my bed beside him.

  “You’re not a virgin.” I said, he laughed.

  “No, neither are you.”

  “So, this shouldn’t be…”

  “I get where you’re going with th
is, but Sam it’s you, and there’s so many other things that come with this.”

  “Like what?” I whispered, he looked at me, his eyebrows almost meeting in the middle as he thought.

  “I…” he began so I shrugged at him,

  “It won’t ruin our friendship Frankie, that’s fucked up to think doing something so, personal, so intimate can ruin a friendship.” I said, he smiled, I grinned back as he moved closer to me, he laughed when our noses touched.

  “So weird.” He whispered then he kissed me. he swallowed down my laugh as I kissed him back. My hand slipping into his hair and stroking the back of his head.

  “Oh.” I heard, we didn’t pull apart, not quickly, not at all, we didn’t act as if we’d been caught out, or that we were embarrassed, in fact, he laughed as I turned my head, leaving my forehead against Frankie’s as I looked at my Dad. “Finally.” He exclaimed. I laughed in a deep breath as Frankie covered his face shaking his head.

  “Why…” I took a deep breath, “Why did you come up here?”

  “I came to see what the noise was.” He said, I laughed again. “I’m going out, so I’ll be out of your hair quite quickly.” He said, then he smiled at me, so I laughed as he left my room. I looked at Frankie as he grinned at me shaking his head amused.

  “I love your Dad.” He said laughing, I smiled at him.

  “He’s our biggest supporter.” I said lightly then turned towards my door as I heard Dad shout up his goodbyes and the front door close.

  We both took a deep breath when we heard the door click.

  “Look…” I said quickly, Frankie nodded. “We don’t have to do this.” I said,

  “No. We don’t.” he agreed, “we really don’t and I wouldn’t want us to do this because of pressure, or anything like that because that’d be so wrong.” He sighed,

  “And is it wrong?”

  “No.” he whispered, “no.” he shook his head, I agreed.

  “Let’s go slow. I know we’ve both done this before, both of us, a lot.” I said, he laughed as I stood from my bed, walking around it until I could sit at the head. He sat on the other side, untying his doc martens before sitting back on my bed.