It’s not going to happen overnight. I’m not going to heal in a fucking instant. This isn’t some fairy tale, where I save the princess and I’m cured and healed and fucking perfect when I feel the fair maiden’s kiss.
But now I can start.
When I awake with her the next morning, it’s like I never went to sleep. My sleep over the past two years has been fitful and filled with bad dreams and sudden awakenings. But not this time. With her, I can suddenly breathe, and I can feel the good and sweet things again. It’s not perfect yet. It’s not going to be. It shouldn’t be perfect yet.
But she is perfect.
And now I can start.
I disentangle from her, but it’s hard. My heart clenches when she sweetly rolls over, her fingers grasping for my body, though I’ve already gotten up. I quietly let myself out of my bedroom, and as I cross my home, I realize yesterday was the first day in a long time that I appreciated the sheer wild beauty of this place, of the wilderness, of the land and the sky that I see just outside my window.
Outside.
I will take Val into town today. Yesterday was the most romantic day of the year. Let’s make today top it.
I’ll do it for her. I will throw a rope down the sides of the walls I’ve put up around my mind, my home, my heart, and instead of asking her to climb up and get inside here with me, I will knock them down so I can be outside with her.
Because I can’t hide her inside her forever. I will give her everything and anything she wants, but I need to get out, too. For both of us.
I decide to go into my home office after putting on a pot of coffee. I have to make some calls. I have to tell my staff that they are to take the day off. They’ve been telling me for two years that I should have an assistant, that I shouldn’t have to call every single one of the members of my personal staff every time I have an announcement to make, but even though I’m a developer and I’m a fucking ace with tech, I don’t like sending emails and I want to keep my relationship with my staff personal.
So I ease into my desk in my dark little office, illuminated only by the white light on my security monitors, and I call each of my staff members to tell them to take the day off.
They’re all thankful, of course. It’s cold up here, and truthfully I would have given them the day off even if I didn’t have Val wrapped up in my sheets right now. The weather is too bad to make them come to work today, even though most of my staff lives right in town on the main strip, in the apartments above the bakeries and cafes and bookstores on Main Street.
I’ll bring Val there today. She will love it. We will pop in to one of my favorite wine shops and the shop that creates unique craft chocolates. I’ll have her try some new things. I’ll show her the sweeter things in life. And I’ll show her me. All of me. Even the parts that I don’t like.
Because she’s already shown herself to me, and she is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.
I fold my hands up and put them under my chin, surveying my security monitors. Everything will be quiet today, I know. The people trespassing on my property won’t be back for another year. My business will keep running, and the app with continue to save people, god willing.
My eyes drift over to the framed photo I keep on my desk. Her hair is dark, and her eyes are like mine, big and curious. Or at least, that’s how mine used to be. She was never any different from me. We were the same. We were like the same person.
That’s what my parents, long gone, used to say. Take care of each other, they would always say to us. They’d say it like it was a fucking joke, though. They’d say it like they were telling us to make sure to brush our teeth twice a day, like it was some common wisdom that we would never be able to forget, that they were reminding us of just for the sake of doling out parental wisdom.
Take care of each other, they’d say. You’re all that each other’s got.
We were the same. The same dark hair, the same big, curious eyes.
And it made sense, of course, because we were twins.
I pick up the frame carefully, and my fingertips brush against the glass. She is under the glass, and she will be there forever. She will never breathe in the fresh mountain air again, she will never feel the dirt under her boots like when we used to go hiking in these mountains when we were kids. She’ll never throw another snowball at me or scream at me with gleeful delight when I throw a snowball right back at her. She’ll never laugh and my stupid jokes or make a hot, soul warming, stick-to-your-ribs veggie dinner for us again.
And no matter how many times people have told me that I can’t think the way I’ve been thinking, that I can’t put myself through what I’ve put myself through, I can’t help but blame myself for it.
So I hold the photo in my hands, and I keep her under the glass. I want to keep her safe, keep her here, keep her frozen in time. Keep myself locked up, because if I can just get through another day, the sting will lessen.
But it’s lessening now, because of Val. Like an arrow shot directly into my fucking heart with the antidote to all my pain, she’s begun to save me.
I shake my head, placing the picture frame down carefully on my desk, thinking about how fucking wild this is.
And I cannot imagine my life without Valoria in it again.
It’s wild and crazy and fucking insane, but the more insane part would be not having her in my life.
Not now. Not that I have her. Not now that she is mine.
I sigh, and I am so fucking content right now. I quickly make the final phone call to the last staff member on my list, and as I hang up, I hear my door clicking behind me.
But I don’t want Val in here. I don’t want her to see how fucked up I am. I don’t want her to see the photo of Cassie - not yet - and I don’t want her to see the security monitors. I don’t want to remind her of the prick who wanted to hurt her, and I want to introduce my memories of Cassie to her slowly, in due time.
But not today. Today is the time for celebrating what we do have. To enjoy the day, the warmth between us, the cold outside, and fresh air and the breeze in her hair and the wind whispering around us when I hold her close and wait for the next fresh snow.
“Valoria,” I say, crossing my dark office and going over to the door, slipping out and closing it behind me. “How did you sleep?”
“Cole,” she says, throwing her arms around my waist. She nearly knocks the wind out of me with her embrace, she is so fucking eager to press herself against me. “It was wonderful. It was like a dream.”
“Then you have to tell me all about your dreams, sweetheart. And leave no detail unsaid.”
“I will,” she says, looking up at me. “What were you doing in there?”
Val’s eyes drift past me curiously.
“That’s my office,” I say, pushing her hair away from her face. “It’s nothing interesting. I was just calling my staff to tell them not to come in today.”
“The last time you told me something wasn’t interesting, it ended up that you are this life-saving, computer genius guy.”
“Not quite, sweetheart. And it’s just computers and stuff in there. I promise it’s nothing interesting.”
She looks up at me again sweetly, shrugging her shoulders.
“Okay,” she agrees.
“Now let me get a hot bath ready for you. You grab a cup of coffee, it’s already brewed, and take your time. Come to the bedroom whenever you’re ready. I’ll have the bath ready for you in the ensuite.”
I take her face in my hands, and I kiss her, and I feel so sure.
11
Valoria
When I woke up, the first feeling I had was of complete and utter bliss - the kind of happiness that is only possible when you feel like you lack nothing. When you feel like every need and want is fulfilled, but that you still want and need more of the same.
That’s the good kind of longing. It’s the longing for everything in your life to stay exactly the same, because everything is already perfect.
And I can’t believe that I have this.
I yawn and stretch as I watch Cole start down the hallway to the kitchen, and I pause for a moment.
Yeah, I can’t believe I have this.
What did I do to deserve this?
I roll my neck, working out the kinks in my shoulders, but I realize I don’t have any. I’ve just had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in months.
And as I’m about to follow Cole and grab my cup of coffee, I notice a thin ray of light shooting across the hallway, coming from Cole’s office.
I want to look inside. Just a peek. I know he said there was nothing interesting behind this door, but I’m still curious.
Pushing the door open, I peek around the corner, and the first thing I see is a huge window, and a gorgeous view of the mountains.
Walking through the door, I go over and gaze up through the window, touching the crystal clear glass. It is not cold to the touch. The thick, bare tree branches just outside the window are dripping with pristine, melting snow.
I can see that today will be warmer than yesterday. I can feel it.
I sigh contentedly. I just want to go get into that hot bath. And I hope Cole will be joining me.
As I begin to turn to leave his office, I pause when my eyes pass over his desk.
The room is dark, the morning light just illuminating the dripping branches outside and filtering through onto the floor of the office. But shining brightly is a series of four large TV screens mounted on one wall.
I can’t believe I didn’t see them before - they are massive, and they are bright, and they are so...conspicuous.
Conspicuous. Obvious.
I take a step closer, dipping my bare toe onto the dark wooden floorboards in front of me. I take another step closer, slower now.
Because the TV screens show the woods. The snow. The icy terrain surrounding Cole’s home.
And my heart stands still for a moment.
I get closer, my cheeks flooding with heat.
Is...is this how he saw first saw me?
Through some security cameras? Over a TV screen? Was he watching me?
I get closer, and my fingers come slowly to my lips as I feel them begin to quiver, matching the beat of my heart.
And as I get closer, I see the terrain I traveled before I saw him. The tree I hid behind, it’s as clear as day. The virgin bullseyes still nailed to the tree trunks that I stalked, that I peered at through my paintball gun.
He was watching me. He saw me. But why didn’t he say anything?
In getting swept up in him, I never even asked what he was doing out there. I didn’t have to. I thought he was on his own property, minding his own business, and that I was doing something wrong.
Confusion rushes through my head, and my thoughts swim. He did nothing wrong. And in fact, my lips begin to pull at the corners when I think about him looking at me, seeing me, and knowing that he had to come and save me.
He did this for me.
And then I start to turn, and something else catches my eye.
It’s a girl in a photo. It’s a beautiful girl in a photo. And the first thing I see are her eyes, big and bright and blue and curious and…
And then my heart sinks as I turn my body back to his desk and start to walk over. I pick up the picture frame and examine the photograph carefully.
And my eyes go back up to the TV monitors, and my thoughts begin to go someplace else.
Someplace ugly. And understanding washes over me like a tidal wave.
I put the photo back on the desk, careful to place it back exactly where I found it, wanting to leave it unperturbed. Wanting to make it seem that I never stepped foot in Cole’s office.
And I turn, and rush toward the door. I grab my coat from the hall closet. I slip my arms through the sleeves, and I hear Cole from across the living room asking where I’m going.
I start toward the door, and I feel nothing. I open the door, and Cole’s footsteps get closer, and I rush outside into the melting frost and the weeping trees, and I feel nothing.
I just want to make it seem that I never stepped foot in Cole’s life.
“Val, wait.”
I hear Cole shout after me as I close the door behind me.
But right now, the last thing I want is to talk to him. The last thing I want is to see him.
“Valoria, stop.”
His hand comes down and I feel his fingers grasp my wrist, and I pull it away, but he takes me by the shoulders gently, turning me around.
“What?” I ask. My tone surprises even me. “Is this a weird, sick game to you? Is this what you do, Cole?”
I can feel my words coming out like daggers, and I can see in his eyes that my words hurt him. But I’m glad.
“No, Val, this is not a game. Just come inside and let’s talk.”
“No, Cole. No. I don’t need to talk. Is this something you do every year? Watch some girl on your cameras and then come and just take her?”
“Val, you’ve got no shoes on. You have to come inside.”
He puts his hands out to me, but my blood rushes through my body as he puts his hands on my arms, threatening to take me back inside his house whether I want him to or not.
And my blood heats inside my veins.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” I shout, shrugging his hands off me.
Cole’s face grows hard, and harsh, but his eyes still show something toward me...he has the very same look behind them that he had when I first saw him.
Fear.
The man I thought was fearless, he has fear in his eyes.
But it melts, and he smiles.
“Watch how you talk to me, girl,” he says, “or I’ll have to bend you over my knee and show you how good girls are supposed to talk.”
I swallow thickly, my body heating at his sexy words.
He takes a few big steps toward me.
But how many girls has he played this game with before?
“This is not some freaking game. I am not a game. I am not a prize.” I swallow again, and I feel my heart drop inside me. “Goodbye, Cole.”
I turn, and I begin to walk away from him.
My heart aches.
And my eyes begin to flood with burning hot tears.
“I’m not letting you go this easy,” Cole says, coming up behind me. But he doesn’t touch me. Part of me wants him to - but then, part of me doesn’t. I know what I saw. And I don’t want to hear what he has to say.
I don’t want to hear it.
“Val,” he says softly. “Her name was Cassie.”
I feel the blood in my head, all the blood in my body drain down and pool inside my feet when he says her name. Cassie. Like she really meant something to him.
“Her name was Cassie, and she was my sister. Val, she was my sister. My twin.”
I stop dead in my tracks, and suddenly, my bare feet on the dirt and the melting snow are freezing. Numb. And I take in a large breath as the hot, salty tears flow down my cheeks.
“She was your sister?”
I turn around slowly, pulling my coat up around me tighter.
“Yeah,” he says.
He looks so strong, yet so vulnerable.
“Was your sister?”
“Sweetheart, come inside. Please.”
I take a step toward him and he wraps me up, wiping away my tears.
“Val, don’t cry. Don’t cry. I’ve got you.”
12
Cole
Her tears are coming faster now, hot and salty and uncontrollable, and they come out faster than I can wipe them away.
“This isn’t how I wanted you to learn this about me,” I say, scooping Valoria up behind her knees and under her arms. I cradle her small body, and she wraps her arms around my neck, burying her face into the crook of my shoulder.
“Cole, I am so sorry.”
I don’t say anything; I just kiss her hair and take her back home, walking her through the house and finally putting her down when we get to th
e ensuite, where I’ve drawn her a hot bath.
“Get out of your clothes,” I command, and she pushes her coat off her shoulders, then quickly, confidently pulls her t-shirt off. She stands in front of me, her eyes red, her body trembling. But in her eyes she is resilient, and she wants to know why I hid this from her.
“I told you not to go into my office, love,” I say, taking her hand as she steps into the tub. The water is steaming hot as she dips her toe in to test the water. “Too hot?”
“No,” she says, slowly stepping over the edge with her other foot. “No, it’s good.”
She sits down slowly as I take my loofah off the edge of the tub and squeeze some body wash into it, and I sit down beside the tub next to her. She pushes her hair over her shoulder and I slowly move the loofah over her back and neck, and she sighs deeply.
“You asked why I was here all alone,” I start, “and my sister is part of the reason. It makes me angry to think about what happened.”
“You don’t have to tell me,” she says in a small voice, putting her chin over her shoulder, “but I’d like you to.”
“I told you how I developed this app to aid hospitals. The app matches organ donors with recipients, and it really works. It’s a great app. It’s a good program. It’s saved lives.”
“Cole, what you’ve done is amazing. It’s incredible.”
“But Val, there is one person I couldn’t save.”
She turns around to me, the water shifting slightly in the tub as she moves, and she leans forward, putting her pretty arms under her chin on the edge of the tub.
“You can’t save every person, Cole.”
Val reaches out and puts her hand in mine.
“I could have, though. I should have.” I feel that frenetic anger inside me, the feelings that I’ve tried to push away for so long, grind into my body. I feel it in my guts, in my fucking bones. “I should have been able to save her. I had the app in development for a long time. For a long time. It started as my thesis project when I was in grad school. But I never finished it. I just didn’t push myself hard enough. And then there was the accident.”
Mountain Man's Valentine Page 7