“I came to find you to apologize for going off on you, but now I’m just as pissed off again. Only not at you as much.”
I jumped up and crossed the room to my sister. “You cannot say anything to her, Addie.”
“The hell I can’t! She forced you to marry her by threatening to kill the baby!”
I placed my hands on her shoulders. “Remember this is just as much my fault. I got her pregnant. She wanted a commitment because she was afraid I would abandon her with a kid. Yeah, it’s messed up, but try to put yourself in her shoes for a minute.”
She shrugged my hands off. “I don’t want to. She trapped you, Abel. Probably on purpose. Because she’s a conniving bitch and you’ve never been able to see her for who she really is. Somebody needs to put her in her gosh damn place.”
“Addie, stop.”
“No! She’s a horrible person, Abel. You can’t let her get away with doing this to you.”
“I’m not. I’m doing what I have to for now, but once the baby is born, it will be okay. I’ll fix it.”
She continued to glare at me with a clenched jaw that I knew was holding back a torrent of curses and harsh words. My sister had never been very good at reigning her temper in. Or any emotion really.
“You can hate Katya if you need to, Addie, but remember, that baby will be your niece or nephew, and that’s what’s important right now.”
Her expression remained fixed, but then softened after a minute and she blew out a harsh breath. “Fine. You’re right. It’s just . . . it’s just that…”
“What Addie?”
Her chest heaved as she let out another heavy breath. “You were supposed to marry Abbi and have babies with her and live happily ever after. Not this.”
I darted my eyes to the side, unable to meet her gaze. “I know,” I said quietly. “I messed that all up.”
“You know what Mom always says.”
I forced my eyes to hers.
“There are two kinds of mistakes.”
“The kind you have to learn to live with and the kind you can fix,” I finished. “Yeah, I know, but I don’t think I can fix this one.”
“Don’t be so sure about that.”
“She’s in love with someone else, Addie.” Saying it out loud was like stabbing a knife into my own chest, even though it was obvious to anyone who watched the two of them.
“She does love him,” Addie said gently. “But she’s never not going to love you.”
I looked away again. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Please just stay out of it.”
“No. You’re my brother and I want you to be happy. And Abbi is my best friend and I want the same for her. You belong together.”
“I agree man.” Jesse came up behind me and set his hand on my shoulder. “I like the coach just fine. Seems like an alright guy, but there isn’t a single person in this house that doesn’t believe you two belong together. There are just some things that have always been certain in life. The Patriots are the greatest football team, N’SYNC is better than Backstreet Boys, robots are going to take over the world someday, your sister has shit taste in men—”
“Hey!” Addie growled.
Jesse ignored her and continued, “Pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza, and you’re supposed to be with Abbi. You can’t go messing up the natural order of the world, man. It would upset the balance and the very fabric of reality will crumble.”
“Dude, shut up,” I told him.
“I’m just telling you how it is. We’re all rooting for you two.”
“So fight for her. Stop letting her go, and fight, dammit,” Addie pleaded.
“How am I supposed to do that while I’m married to somebody else?” I snapped angrily. Did she think I wanted to let her go? “Abbi said herself she’s done waiting on me, so how can I ask her to?”
“Agh, you’re so dense,” she growled. “Of course you can’t ask her to wait for you, you idiot. I just told you what you need to do.”
“Okay, tiger, how about we calm down and leave Abel alone to think about it.” Jesse snagged her arm and backed her out of the room. She went reluctantly, chewing him out as she did.
“You think I have shit taste in men? Well you haven’t exactly dated any winners,” she snorted. “You’re the one with shit taste.”
“Just shut up,” Jesse sighed before they were out of earshot.
I gripped the doorjamb and hung my head. Is she right?
“How’d we end up with such a crazy sister?”
I lifted my head and glanced back over my shoulder at Aiden, who sat casually draped over his chair. I’d almost forgotten he was even there. I turned to face him with a raised brow. “Do you really have to ask that?”
“Nah,” he chuckled. “What is it Mom says? Addie’s got excessive passion?”
“Yeah, I think that’s it,” I let out a dry laugh.
“I’m going to see if Jess needs any help wrangling her,” Nash rose. “They might kill each other.” He slipped from the room, leaving me alone with my brother.
“So, you going to listen to her? She does know Abbi better than anyone.”
I shrugged. “I don’t want to make anything worse. Abbi’s barely speaking to me as it is.”
Aiden sat up straighter. “Look, I like Coach. He’s a good guy. And Abbi’s family. So, can you just be sure before you do anything?”
“You think I should let them be happy?”
“No, I think you’re supposed to marry Abbi, dumbass, but you better be sure, because if you screw it up again, and hurt her anymore, you’re going to have a long line of people waiting to kick your ass, and I’ll be in it.”
I dragged a hand over my head. “She’s the only thing I’ve ever been sure of, it’s me I’m not sure of. She deserves better.”
“Better than someone who has loved her his entire life?” Aiden hit the power on his controller and the entire game shut off. He rose up out of his chair and strode toward me. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re not perfect, and you screw up, but you always try to do what’s right. You’re wrong about Abbi deserving better than you. She deserves the best version of you. If you can be that guy, then Addie’s right. You gotta fight. If not, then I guess it’s one of those things you learn to live with.”
“How’d you get to be so wise?” I joked.
“I’m the baby, man. I just watch you guys make all of your mistakes first and learn from them.”
I gave his shoulder a shove. “That’s good. You definitely don’t want to repeat mine.”
“No, I don’t.” He shoved me back with a grin.
Eleven
Abbi
I shifted on the couch and lifted my head off Jason’s chest, unable to avoid the nagging in my mind any longer. I’d spent the last hour working up the nerve to ask him what was wrong, and if I didn’t just get it out now, I’d spend another hour worrying about why he’d hardly spoken since we left the party. “You’re unusually quiet tonight, what’s up?” I asked softly.
He slowly peeled his eyes away from the sitcom we were watching—well, that he was watching—and tipped his gaze down at me. “I could ask you the same thing.”
I chewed the inside of my lip and our gazes remained locked while I tried to figure out what to say.
“We should have skipped the party,” I finally muttered.
“Why? So I wouldn’t see the weird looks between you and Abel?” His tone wasn’t accusing, only curious.
“Jason . . .”
“Abbi, please don’t lie to me. That’s all I ask. I have eyes. I can see it’s not nothing. You’ve been weird and tense since his wife showed up at the party, and it seemed like you two might have had a moment or something back there when you were both missing from the party.”
I sat up straight. “Jason, nothing happened, please believe me.”
“I do, Abbi, but something is up.”
I blew out a heavy breath. “You’re right. It’s not nothing. Abel and I . . . w
e’re complicated. We’ll probably always be complicated. We have history. Intense history. More than you know.”
His hand snaked out and tucked my hair behind my ear, lingering to graze my cheek. “I get it. I do. But are you sure that’s all it is? Because if I’m being honest, and I hope you’ll be honest with me too, I think the guy is still in love with you. The question is, what do you want?”
I can’t do this anymore.
Tell him.
The guilt was too much. He was asking me for honesty and he deserved it.
I swallowed dryly and drew in a bolstering breath. My voice shook when I let it out and said, “There’s something I need to tell you.”
Jason’s expression dimmed. “Has something happened between you two since he came to town?”
I shook my head. “Do you remember when I told you I wanted to take a break?”
“How could I forget?” he said grimly.
“He’s the reason I needed the break.”
“Something happened between you two then?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“But then we got back together . . .” he said slowly.
“Abel was a mistake,” I muttered weakly.
He exhaled deeply, “Are you sure? What is it you really want, Abbi?”
“I want you,” I croaked. “I want to be with you. I should have told you the truth sooner, but I was so scared of losing you. I’m still scared I’m going to lose you.”
“If that’s truly what you want, then I don’t need to know anything else.”
I crumbled, blinking back tears. “That’s not fair to you. You deserve to know everything that happened. I’m not good enough for you, Jason. I’m so, so sorry. I’m a horrible person.”
He smiled sadly and swiped his thumb under my eye, catching the tear that escaped. “No, you’re not. I know who you are, Abbi. You’re a kind, sweet, beautiful person with a huge heart. So, if your past is really in the past, and you want to leave it there and move forward with me, I can live with that.”
“But how can you ever trust me?”
He cupped my face in his hands and pressed his lips to my forehead, murmuring, “I told you, I know who you are.” He pulled back, and leveled his gaze with mine, still holding my face. “You’re not a liar. And you’re not a cheater,” he put extra emphasis on that last part. “That’s not who you are.” I squeezed my eyes shut to keep more tears from leaking out. “I knew you had baggage when I asked you out. Over and over. And you said no over and over. I could see you were hurting. It didn’t take a genius to figure out it was from a broken heart. You obviously loved him a lot. I may not like it, but nobody can judge you for that. If I want to forgive you, that’s my choice. You don’t get to decide if you deserve it or not.”
“But why?” I asked hoarsely.
“I thought that was obvious. I love you, and if you can look me in the eye and tell me that you’re letting go now, that it’s me you want to be with, with no regrets or doubts, then as far as I’m concerned there doesn’t need to be any more apologies or tears.”
I blinked through the tears. “How did I find you?”
His smile widened. “I was waiting for you, gorgeous.”
He pulled me into his arms, and I went, willingly melting into his warm embrace. He kissed the top of my head and we stayed that way for a long time. I’m not sure either of us was paying attention to the show on TV, but we laid there in front of it nonetheless, until finally, Jason shut it off and took us to bed.
I lay snuggled under the blankets, tucked into his chest, and I felt safe and good and at ease. The weight of guilt and shame was lifted. I was in awe and so incredibly grateful for the way he loved me.
I eyed my phone on the nightstand, half expecting it to light up. I don’t know why I expected Abel to text me, but a part of me just thought he would. That he’d have so many more things to say about today. My phone never buzzed or lit up and I lay awake wondering if we both really were going to be okay at the end of all this.
For the first time in a long time I felt confident I would be okay.
Would he?
I fell asleep praying that he would. That somehow, he would find his way again.
Because I knew, in the deepest part of my soul, that no matter how happy I was with Jason, it would never truly be complete if Abel couldn’t find his own happiness. We were too connected, too bound together, for it to be any other way.
I woke to another Monday morning, and it was almost like the weekend had never happened, like it was a weird dream. Jason and I made breakfast together, and went to school, and everyone else went back to their lives too. Addie and Jesse, and Abel and Katya returned to New York. Jaime was flying home with his family, and life for all of us carried on.
Aiden was in third period, and my chest ached a little, but it was so familiar I hardly noticed it. I gave them independent study time while I read through their first papers of the semester. I’d asked them to write two pages on how history affected us, individually and as a nation, today. Some of them I could tell had just Googled and regurgitated what they read, not having any real clear focus or point. But I hadn’t assigned the topic because I expected them all to write papers brimming with profound wisdom. They weren’t going to get these papers back with a grade. They were all receiving credit for completing the assignment. I wanted to honestly know how they felt about history. At the end of the year I would assign the same paper. If I did my job, I would be reading very different papers. That was the hope anyway.
I came to Aiden’s paper. It was well written, and thoughtful, though it had some of the same impersonal and generic responses the other students had given. I looked up at him, nose in his book, doing the reading assignment. Jessica Walters, a pretty, blonde cheerleader a few seats behind him, passed a note forward. It landed on Aiden’s desk and I observed as he discreetly unfolded and read it.
I was sent spiraling into the past. Some things never changed. In a day when cell phones were predominant, girls and boys still passed hand written notes in class. On the top shelf of the closet in my teenage bedroom at my parents’ house was a shoebox full of such notes that had been passed between me and Abel. We used to sit in this very same classroom, him at the desk behind me, until Mrs. Weber, the history teacher I replaced upon her retirement, separated us. But even sticking us on opposite ends of the classroom hadn’t stopped the notes.
I returned to the papers on my desk, hiding the faintest smile when I thought of all the secrets and laughs and other memories contained within that shoebox. There were so many good times. So much besides tears and heartbreak. It seemed lately though, that the bad times colored it all, but that wasn’t fair. There was a lot to regret, but there was so much more not to.
Homecoming was just around the corner and the girls and boys at Darlington were already setting their sights on dates, working and flirting to lure in their desired one. I’d never once had to worry about whether or not I was going to get asked. From the very first one, when Abel staked his claim freshman year, I’d never had a single doubt that we would go to every school dance together.
Was it ironic or fitting that our relationship began over our first high school dance and fell apart over the last?
And it was while chaperoning homecoming last year, my first year of teaching, that the handsome gym teacher and football coach convinced me to let him have a dance and then a date. What was with me and high school dances?
The rest of the school day passed uneventfully, and Monday turned into Tuesday, Tuesday into Wednesday, and before I knew it, the school week was ending. Addie was swept up in Fashion Week, as evidenced by the ridiculous number of picture messages I’d received of all the glamour and chaos. Her parents had driven down to New York for it all, and to attend Abel’s concert over the weekend, the kickoff for Rebel Cry’s fall tour. Jason had previously mentioned wanting to catch the show when they came to Boston in a couple weeks. Abel even offered him backstage passes the night we all went
out, but I didn’t know how much of a Rebel Cry fan Jason still was these days.
“Abbi! I mean Ms. Cross!” I turned in the parking lot to see Aiden in his football practice gear jogging toward me.
“What’s up, Aid?”
“I forgot to ask in class, but is it okay if I crash at your place tonight? With Mom and Dad out of town, I’ve been staying with Jordan, but it’s like his grandma’s eightieth birthday or something. His family is having a party, and I just feel weird intruding, even though they said it was no problem. If not, it’s cool. I’m sure your parents or Uncle Shane will let me, I just thought I might be able to convince you to help me study for my history quiz. I really want to make my teacher proud,” he grinned that charming McCabe grin.
I laughed. “I see how it is. Of course you can stay, and I’ll gladly help you study, but I’m not letting you look at the quiz questions early.”
“It was worth a try, but I’ll settle for the study help. Maybe you can even help me with my English assignment since you’re such a big book nerd and we’re reading The Great Gatsby.”
“Ooh, Gatsby,” I said excitedly.
“I figured you were a fan. You always had your nose in a book whenever you were at the house and Abel was in Dad’s studio working on music.”
“Yeah,” I said softly, trying not to follow the trail down Memory Lane.
“Anyways, practice should be over around five-thirty. I’ve already got my stuff, so I’ll just head over when it’s done.”
“Pizza alright for dinner?”
“As long as you’re ordering it and not trying to make it yourself.”
A scowl pinched my brow. “I’ve gotten better at cooking.”
“You mean since that time you and Abel set my parents’ kitchen on fire?”
I rolled my eyes. “That was a one-time accident.”
“Uh-huh. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go telling everyone you’re a terrible cook. Besides, Coach must know by now, so you’ve got no one you have to fool or impress.”
“Whatever, I’m ordering the pizza. You have nothing to worry about.”
Finding Abel (Rebel Hearts Book 1) Page 12