by Far Freedom
Pan held out his hand for Etrhnk to take. Etrhnk found no arguments in either direction and finally took Pan’s hand. He tightened his grip to equalize the force. He waited. After a moment of apparent inner disturbance, Pan released his hand. Sadness formed on his dark face.
“Is it he?” the android asked.
“Yes,” Pan answered sadly. “Petros.”
“I was told this name,” Etrhnk said. “I don’t know why.”
“I’ll explain what I can,” Pan said.
Section 030 One Happy Thought
Aylis paced. In the small bridge of the admiral’s yacht, this activity could not go uncontested.
“You can get out and walk,” Mama said.
“Probably get there faster,” Aylis rejoined.
Jamie didn’t dare say anything. That her mother and Aylis were able to carry on, that was a miracle, and that was enough. She was afraid she would say the wrong thing and lose one or both of them. She was with them, not because they invited her, but because she felt they were too fragile and might need her help. They seemed to ignore her. She didn’t know if that meant they blamed her for the tragedy, but she would accept the blame. She couldn’t believe Sammy was gone. She couldn’t believe Freddy was gone. She hadn’t wept again today, not yet, but she could feel it coming. Tears kept pushing into the corners of her eyes.
“I just want to be finished with it! Get them and go!”
“Jamie, you’re very quiet,” Mama observed.
She shook her head, looked away, said nothing. She was relieved Mama spoke to her. The caring tone of her voice, even in this time of her deep sorrow, seemed to complete and to strengthen the way she felt about her mother.
“Tell me one happy thought,” Mama asked. “I need a happy thought.”
“I want to have a baby.” It just erupted from somewhere deep inside her, surprising her. In this time of restricted procreation it was almost every woman’s dream to have a baby, and she had always known she was no exception. It was something else Direk denied her: motherhood. She wept then, feeling sorry for everything.
Mama held her hand until she stopped crying. “That was a very good happy thought.” That was the only thing that helped Jamie: knowing Mama still loved her. The guilt for forcing the jumpship battle was killing her. The loss of Sammy was unbearable.
“There it is,” Mama said.
“Finally!” Aylis declared.
“How did they ever expect to get out? This mass of rubble is collapsing around them. They were about to become the core of a very cold little planetoid.” Jamie tried to be as tough as Mama and Aylis seemed to be. A lifetime as a Marine didn’t help. This was a different situation and she was a different person.
“They couldn’t have expected us to find them,” Mama said. “Perhaps this was their grave.”
The yacht pushed its way through the debris and connected to a port of the lost ship. They cycled into the old ship. Aylis led the way down the familiar passageway to the cabin of Patrick Jenkins. He was awake when they entered his quarters.
“Go away, you damned ghosts! Quit haunting me!”
“He seems stronger,” Mama commented.
“Shut up and get up, Patrick,” Aylis ordered. “We’re taking you with us.”
“The hell, you say! You’re not real, milady. See?”
“You grab my breast again and I’ll slap you into next week!”
They picked him up from his bed. They gathered his tubes and medical contrivances and moved him down the passageway. “Wait! I need my toothbrush.”
“Why? Your breath smells like you haven’t used it for fifty years.”
“Oh. That’s right. I use scotch for oral hygiene. Got any?”
“I knew I shouldn’t have come back here by cryptikon and adjusted his medication,” Aylis said.
They escorted him into the admiral’s yacht.
“Hey, this is different!”
“Keep your hands to yourself, Patrick,” Mama said.
“Are those my hands? I can’t be responsible. They must have a sex life of their own. Not me. My testes fell off about nine hundred years ago.”
“You must have grafted one to each hand,” Aylis commented. “I suppose you’ve fondled a long parade of alien females.”
“Join the parade!”
“I know where there’s a cold shower.”
“And who is this lovely young lady?” Patrick said, noticing Jamie for the first time.
“My daughter.”
“Been there, done that. Ready to do it again! What’s your name, Beautiful?”
“Jamie.”
“What a fine Scottish name! I’m in love!”
“She’s a Navy captain and an ex-Marine.”
“I’m up to the challenge!”
“Everyone wants to see them.”
“They’ll need to wait. Dozens injured by the barbarians are still under treatment.”
“Put them in the plaza, in their coffins, with those terrible expressions on their dead faces. Perhaps that will make people think and appreciate their sacrifice.”
“I can barely imagine what they’ve endured.”
Section 031 Patrick
“I thoroughly enjoyed the meeting,” Mai commented, “although it was disconcerting, watching all of you become possessed by your auxiliary memories as you remembered Patrick.”
“I hope we gave you a better impression of Pat,” Aylis said. “He isn’t - or wasn’t - what he now appears to be.”
“But you have to admit, he was a daring and outspoken man. I can’t believe how many times he risked his life on account of some specimen of alien life.”
“Yes, and he always claimed to be a coward. Are you certain of your diagnosis, Mai? I still think there’s something wrong with him.”
“How can anything be right with him? The human brain never ceases to amaze me. Think of what Sammy must have suffered, in addition to what we know he suffered, and yet he was such a sweet person. Patrick’s scans remain normal. I have high hopes for him.”
“How many years was he alone on that ship, waiting to die? Does that show up on a scan?”
It was impossible that he was still alive. He was sure he remembered giving up and falling into the darkness of death. Yet he dreamed. Or did he continue as a ghost, only to be haunted by other ghosts? Women, so many beautiful ghostly women. They made him think he was thinking. They made him feel he was feeling. He was feeling fear. He was thinking enigmas. Neither science nor faith offered a solution to the question of whether he should be alive or dead. All he could do was begin to pay attention to the disturbances out there, the beautiful women and their beautiful voices. All he could do was yearn for rebirth, even while he feared the consequences. But…
It was impossible to begin, and so he greatly regretted that he was conscious again. It was impossible to form new relationships. New friendships were beyond even imagining. It was impossible to believe he was still alive. It was impossible to speak, and to say anything that meant anything. It was impossible to be serious, impossible to be funny, impossible even to be truthful, because the truth was so dangerous. Yet, he had to take the next breath, and open his eyes, and see the impossible, and do what was merely and possibly real.
“Is everyone pregnant around here?” It was just something to say. It seemed harmless, pointless, silly: just the way he was. She wasn’t obviously pregnant the first time he saw her, and so that must have been weeks ago. Now she was pregnant. Now he was disappointed. It was a mystery that he should feel that way, until he saw the other Asian woman. What ancient experiences haunted his brain to raise an awareness of a fondness for women with narrow brown eyes?
“You finally noticed?” She gave him a smile for encouragement.
Bless her! He almost couldn’t bear to keep looking at her. She seemed so real. His eyes seized upon the smallest detail, such as a strand of hair that escaped to tickle her nose and be brushed back with the tip of a finger. He had to look away, stare at the
ceiling, glance over at the other woman, take a deep breath, use the breath stupidly with ugly words. “Such a great disappointment.” He cringed to listen to himself. “All the pretty ones. Well, not quite all. Who is the very young lass by the door?” He knew who she might be, although the name would not come to him. He was appalled he asked of her, especially if, by some miracle, she was who he wanted her to be. He was certain she was always beyond his reach. It was the pinnacle of self-delusion to imagine she was the one he thought he remembered, thought he wanted, thought he would someday… He almost wanted to laugh - or cry - at the crazy things his mind entertained.
“When will you get control of yourself, Doctor Jenkins?”
Never, apparently! He snatched his hand back from where it wandered. “Please call me Pat. What’s your name?”
“I’m Doctor Sugai. This is the third time I’ve told you.”
“I don’t care about doctor this and doctor that. What’s your name? Why can’t I know your name? I want to know your name.”
“My name is Mai.”
Oh, miserable fool! Must I act so poorly? “I knew that! I heard the other pregnant one call you that. May I call you Mai? I want to call you Mai. Does your husband know you’re flirting with me?” He hoped she knew he was harmless and an idiot. No, he hoped the opposite. He was never serious enough to be dangerous. He couldn’t even appear to be really dangerous, but he needed to be at least possibly dangerous, thus to sound the warning.
“I was warned to stay out of your reach, but it’s difficult to tend your needs without getting closer than that. My husband is the captain of this ship. If you wish to have business with him when we release you from the hospital, then you may continue to put your hands where they don’t belong. But I don’t consider that flirting with you.”
“Do they still make captains as tough as they used to?”
“I think so.”
Her husband was a killing machine, if the trend of his luck remained true. Good. Then he could refrain from that distasteful act. “Pity. My profound apologies, then. Boy or girl?”
“What? My baby? I don’t know.”
“How can you not know?”
“I don’t want to know.”
“Well, I want to know!”
“If someone tells you, don’t tell me, Pat.”
She was interesting to talk with. It was sad that his own novelty would soon wear off and she would become more scarce. That summed up his social essence: entertaining for awhile, then, if the other person wasn’t interested in exotic plants and animals, he was finished. He felt a rush of warmth. “What did you just put in me?”
” Something to calm you.”
“Good stuff. Got any scotch?”
“Do you know where you are?”
Heaven! Hell? “Does it matter? Am I somewhere? I was nowhere forever. If there’s no scotch it must be hell.”
“You’re on the Freedom.”
“What’s that? A ship? What type? How big?” He didn’t want to know, he really did not want to know!
“A very very big ship.”
“How many feet for each ‘very?’ Can I walk around in it?”
“You can walk for miles, as soon as we finish repairing your age damage.”
Could he just shut his mouth and try to think of safer topics? “That big? What classification? How fast?” Apparently he could not shut his mouth, torn between the growing desire for social contact and the fear it was real.
“This isn’t my area of interest, but I don’t believe it has a Navy classification.”
“How fast? How quiet? That’s the important thing.”
“It’s the fastest ship in the galaxy.”
“Can’t be faster than a barbarian jumpship.”
“Yes, it can.”
“Can it, now? So, I’m dreaming after all.” Good. It was safer to be in a dream. Dismiss it. Don’t think about ships and barbarians.
“There is always some question about what is real and what is dream, Patrick. Even in those of us who think we know. How did you survive all those years beyond the frontier?”
“Did I survive?”
“Yes, you did.” No, I didn’t! “Here, hold my hand. My hand is real. I’m real. My name is Sugai Mai. I was the director of the Mnro Clinic on Earth. Doctor Mnro asked me to accompany her on this ship, and since I was also in love with its captain, I came willingly. More or less. Tell me something about what you did.”
NO! And she feels so real! “Me? I did nothing! The two heroes went out and got themselves killed and Koji retrieved them and he and I put them back together and sent them out again. I’m only a biologist, not a trauma surgeon! Go to sleep in a coffin, then wake up to nightmare. I had to give up on them. I had to rest. Had to ambush Koji. Took me years to gather the courage. Just me and him. Put all three in coffins. They scared me. Read some of their logs, the ones I could unlock. They stopped telling me of their adventures. I wept for them.”
“But it wasn’t all bad, was it? You made a recording of the four of you singing.”
Yes! I remember! So few good memories. And that was when it all ended. No more hope. What a liar I need to be! “I don’t remember.”
“You rest now, Pat. This is giving you too much stress. There’s a lot of repair work for us to do. I’ll see you again soon.”
Wait. He had to know if it was her. “The lass over there. You never told me her name.”
“That’s Nori. You don’t remember Nori?”
Nori! “Remember? Why should I remember? To hurt more? To risk more?”
“Do you remember that you left people behind, Pat? Nori is one of them.”
“I was expecting the pretty pregnant one. Mai.” Oh, no! Please! Don’t let it be Phuti!
“I’m not pretty and I’m not pregnant, that’s true, but I have my charms, Patrick. How are you doing?”
I’m lying, lying, lying! “Are you somebody else we left behind?”
“Yes. My name is Phuti. We knew each other for decades. How are you doing?”
I don’t dare touch him. I don’t want to wake up! “I’m doing grandly. How are you doing?” I’m lying grandly. Sorry, Phuti.
“I’m well, Patrick.”
Only well? Yes, everyone is a little sad around here. “I saw Nori. Do you know Nori? She wouldn’t talk to me.”
” She doesn’t speak much to anyone yet.”
“Why?”
“A period of adjustment. She also had the misfortune to awaken from rejuvenation in the midst of trouble.”
“Trouble?” Why did he keep presenting questions to which he did not want answers?
“We were boarded by barbarians.”
“Barbarians? Which barbarians? Not Black Fleet barbarians?”
“Yes. Three of them. We killed them.”
“Oh, no! Where are we now? We aren’t in one of their traffic lanes?”
“No, no. Don’t be alarmed. We’re safe, Patrick.”
“We are?”
“Word of honor.”
Hell and Damnation, my old friends, you are back. The dream is over. “Nori is here!” You are endangering her!
“How do you remember Nori?” Phuti asked.
“They say she’s Koji’s daughter.” Patrick didn’t remember if they had told him. “Koji won’t remember her. That’s good, or bad, I don’t know. Those three women who took me off the ship?”
“Yes. Aylis, Zakiya, Jamie.”
“They haven’t come to see me. I need to apologize seriously.”
“You don’t remember those you left behind, Patrick? No one?”
“How can we have been so crazy to leave such beautiful creatures in our wake? What kind of idiot monsters are we?” He was saying things just to hear the noise and not the meaning. He wanted desperately to be safely insane. Why was Phuti making him speak so much? It was safer to say nothing. Lying required too much concentration. But he yearned for that old friendship more with each second that he stayed in the presence of this modest
anthropologist. His memory was questionable after so many years, yet he would never forget Phuti.
“I don’t think you intended to stay away so long, Patrick.”
“Damned right! How many damn centuries did I beg the damn wrecking crew to turn the damn ship around? How the hell did you find us?”
“Cryptikon, Patrick. Remember me and Iggy trying to move yours to the bridge? Remember Iggy calling you a lecherous Scots drunk?”
“I’m not any of those things.” Not lecherous. Not a Scot. Not a drunk. But I keep trying.
“What do you think will happen when they revive Alex and Koji and Setek?”
When they revive them? They were going to revive the monsters? Phuti was the ultimate friend anyone could ever have. Could he scream in his face? Sorry, Phuti. I’m done lying to you but that leaves me nothing more to say.
“Finally! Why didn’t you come sooner?” He didn’t need to ask it that way! He was an old and impatient fool.
“I’m sorry, Patrick. I haven’t felt well.”
You are still as beautiful as I remember you, Zakiya. “I hope you’re feeling better now.” He tried to sound as sincere as he thought he was. “I apologize for
how I acted when you took me off the ship. I deeply and sincerely apologize.”
“Apology accepted, Patrick.”
Why wasn’t she happy to see him? Was his apology unwanted? Did he make such a fool of himself in his initial panic to deny their reality, and if they were real, to try to protect them? “I hope you can spare me a few words. Nobody will talk with me very long. I fear I bore them. I slip in and out of feeling I’m in a dream. I want to know that I’m safe and sane and awake.” Perhaps he did want those things, if only to get unstuck. He was suffocating in denial of reality and responsibility. He was whiplashed by the restraint of joy, by the fear of impending tragedy when murderers were brought back to life, and by the torment of guilt for a life badly lived. He needed judgment of his life and final disposition of his soul.