by Street, K.
“Not really.”
“We can skip it.”
“As much as I would love that, I can’t. My poor kid won’t have a Christmas at all. So, whether I want to go or not doesn’t matter. Are you sure you don’t have something better to do?”
“There’s nothing else I would rather be doing.” He turned off the coffeepot. “Come on; I’ll drive.”
I picked up my boots that were still on the floor and slipped them on. Then, I grabbed the hobo bag off the counter and checked to make sure I had everything I needed inside. I slipped it over my shoulder and looked at Jase, gesturing for him to go ahead so that I could lock up.
Since Maplewood Falls didn’t have a Target—or any big-box store for that matter—we drove thirty minutes south into Gainesville to go shopping. We hit Starbucks for a snack and sat at one of the tables in the café. Jase regaled me with stories of his early childhood and his and Easton’s college days. He was trying to take my mind off everything, and I appreciated it.
We finished eating, tossed our trash, grabbed two shopping carts, and then set off for the Christmas decor at the rear of the store.
I studied the selection of pre-lit trees. We found the number on the tag and went to the shelf to find the box that correlated with it.
“I can’t believe you’re getting an artificial tree,” Jase declared as he wrestled with the box, trying like hell not to topple the stack.
I held the cart still, and once he had it situated, I stepped back.
“Dude, don’t judge.”
“It’s practically sacrilegious; that’s all I’m saying.”
I rested my hand on my cocked hip and looked at him. “I have two words for you. Tree. Sap.”
He chuckled.
I snatched a few of the large plastic cylinders filled with color-coordinated ornaments off the endcap and stuck them in the cart I was manning. “Wait, I have two more words.”
Jase smirked and raised a brow.
“Pine. Needles,” I announced.
“All right, you win.”
“Of course I do.” I eyed the rows of pegs and pointed to the one with several boxes of hooks threaded on it. “Do you mind getting a box of those for me?”
He slid a box off the display and passed it to me. “What’s next on your list?”
“The toy department.”
“Lead the way.”
Nineteen
Jase
I pushed the cart with the boxed tree inside, following behind Saylor. For a minute, I imagined what it would be like to have it all.
A wife. A family.
I pictured myself Christmas shopping. Staying up until all hours on Christmas Eve, assembling gifts from Santa. I fantasized about holidays and the everyday routine. I conjured up images of playing basketball with Knox and teaching him how to ride a bike.
I don’t just want her. I want them.
Shock had me stopping in my tracks.
The abrupt halt caught Saylor’s attention.
She glanced over her shoulder as she angled her cart down one of the aisles. “Are you all right back there?”
“All good,” I replied, sounding more certain than I felt.
She picked out a few small things for Knox. As we passed the bikes, she found a small one with training wheels, and I laid it across the cart.
The offer to put it together for her was on the tip of my tongue. Then, I remembered she had East and her dad. Hell, knowing Saylor, she’d put the bike together herself.
She doesn’t need me.
That single thought caused an ache in my chest.
* * *
White Chinese food containers were spread across the coffee table. Saylor sat on one end of the couch, her legs tucked beneath her, while I sat on the other. We’d gotten takeout on our way home from her marathon shopping trip.
I held up the box of lo mein noodles. “Want the rest?”
“No. Go ahead.”
I used my chopsticks to gather the food and brought it to my mouth.
Christmas with the Kranks played on the big-screen television in Easton’s living room. Saylor laughed around the food in her mouth. The sound hit me straight in the heart. Made me long for things I shouldn’t. That didn’t stop me from wanting to feel her against me. To lie with her head in my lap, so I could run my fingers through the silky strands of her golden hair.
Saylor was under my skin.
God, I want to kiss her.
I needed to leave. The longer I sat here the harder it was not to touch her.
I set the empty container on the table and got to my feet. “I should go.”
Her smile fell away, and she turned to me with a bewildered expression. “Aren’t you going to finish the movie?”
“I’ve seen it a hundred times.”
“Oh.” She stood and crossed her arms.
“Let me help you clean up,” I offered.
“No.” Saylor shooed me away. “It’s fine; I got it.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.”
I moved to the door with Saylor trailing behind me. Before I could twist the knob, she said my name, and I turned around to face her.
“Thank you. For earlier and—”
“No thanks necessary. I’ll always be here. You just have to say the word.”
Her gaze fell to her sock-covered feet. She bent her toes back and forth. “I’d probably still be lying on the kitchen floor if it wasn’t for you.”
“Friends do that for each other.” I had to say the word aloud to remind myself of the extent of our relationship.
Saylor’s gaze met mine. She worried her bottom lip between her teeth.
The air around us charged, and I swallowed hard. I was seconds away from crossing that line. One I knew she wasn’t ready for me to cross.
“I have to go.”
“I know.” She slipped her arms around my waist, tightly hugging me.
I kissed the crown of her head. “Merry Christmas, Socks.”
“Merry Christmas.” She let go.
I opened the door and stepped into the cold night.
Twenty
Saylor
With my back pressed to the door, I listened as Jase started his truck and drove away. He’d wanted to kiss me, and I had wanted him to.
I’d wanted him to kiss me.
How is that possible?
Shame slithered along my spine. Hours ago, I had fallen apart when I found that letter from Colin. Yet, had Jase not walked out that door, my lips would have found their way to his.
It was too much. I didn’t want to think about Colin or Jase. I was alone in this house.
Completely and utterly alone.
No Knox.
No Colin.
No Jase.
Just me.
Part of me wanted to scramble to my phone. To text Jase and tell him to come back. The other part of me wanted to be numb. And that was the part that won out.
I went into the pantry and found what I was looking for. There were a few bottles of wine on the top shelf, all from Turner Creek Winery.
After I decided on a bottle of Green Apple Riesling, I rummaged through a kitchen drawer until I found the corkscrew. Once the wine was uncorked, I brought the bottle to my lips. It was room temperature, the taste was crisp yet tart with a refreshing finish.
I reached for a wine goblet, set it on the counter, and opened the freezer. Ice clinked against the rim of the glass as I dropped in a few cubes and poured the wine over them, causing the ice to crack. A collective gasp echoed around the world because I was that girl. The one who put ice in her wine.
I carried everything into the living room, set the bottle on the side table while I palmed the glass, and sat on the couch.
The movie I had been watching with Jase was over.
Just as I reached for the remote, my phone rang.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Hi, honey. I have a little man who wanted to say good night.”
I pulled
my phone back and glanced at the time before putting it back to my ear. It was nearly ten. I opened my mouth to chastise my mother. To ask her why my son was still awake. Then, I remembered that she was doing me a favor, and what happened at Gigi’s stayed at Gigi’s.
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Knox,” she called for him. “Mommy is on the phone. Come say good night.”
“Hi, Mommy.”
“Hey, little man. Are you having fun?”
“Yep. Me and Gigi made food for a reindeers.”
“You did?”
“Uh-huh. Papa let me play with the numbers.”
I took a sip of wine. “What numbers?” I had no idea what he was talking about.
“On the buttons.”
It took me a second, but I finally figured it out. “Ah. Papa let you play with his calculator.”
“Uh-huh. And he let me have paper.”
“That was nice of Papa. Did you say thank you?”
“Yep. You miss me, Mommy?”
A lump rose in my throat. “I always miss you, buddy.”
“S’okay. You see me tomorrow.”
“Right, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Love you, Mommy.”
“Love you, too.”
“Gigi!” he yelled at the top of his voice.
“I’m right here, Knox,” I heard my mother tell him.
“Any idea what time you’ll be here tomorrow?” my mother asked.
“Probably around eleven.”
“Are you okay, honey? You sound a little off.”
“I’m fine, Mom. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Love you, baby girl.”
“Love you, too, Mom.”
I disconnected the call and brought the glass to my lips, chugging the contents and then refilling it.
Quiet crept back into the space. My eyes moved to the red-and-white bags stashed in the corner of the room, housing gifts that needed to be wrapped. The Christmas tree remained in its box beside them.
I stared at the bags, and I drank my wine.
I stared back at the bags and drank some more wine until I couldn’t take it anymore. There was a job to do, and I was the only one here to do it.
Leaning forward, I grasped the wine bottle, stood, and walked across the room. I reluctantly plopped my behind in front of the presents.
In a matter of minutes, I began the dreadful task of covering all the shit I’d bought with the paper I’d paid too much for.
Colin had always made the abominable task of wrapping gifts bearable, but he wasn’t here.
The printed grid guide on the underside of the paper blurred as I ran the scissors across it. The gifts would surely look like they’d been wrapped by drunken elves.
Well, one drunken elf.
I was going to need more wine.
Twenty-One
Saylor
“Mommy. Mommy. Wake up.”
I groaned and cracked open an eyelid. “What is it, little man?”
“Is Christmas today?” Knox’s morning breath infiltrated my nose. He was literally two inches from my face.
Is it Christmas?
I’d spent the last few days on autopilot. Going through the motions with a smile plastered on my face for the benefit of those around me.
“Today is Christmas, but Mommy needs five minutes.”
“Ugh. I wanna see if Santa come here.”
“Came. You want to see if Santa came.”
“Mom-mee.”
“All right, I’m coming, but I have to go to the bathroom first.”
Knox stuck his bottom lip out. “Okay.”
“Hop off the bed, so I can get up.”
He moved, and I tossed back the covers. Then, we headed down the hall. Knox used the bathroom, and then I followed suit. He climbed on the little stool in front of the sink to wash his hands, and I stood next to him, washing mine.
“Mommy, you have a boo-boo?” His voice lilted at the end, turning his statement into a question.
Last night, I’d finished wrapping the presents I hadn’t gotten to before. When I’d put Knox’s bicycle together, I’d cut myself.
“It’s just a tiny cut, but it’s all better now.” I yanked off the adhesive bandage, tossed it in the trash, and washed my hands for a second time.
As we exited the bathroom, I reached down and lifted Knox into my arms. “Merry Christmas, baby.”
“Merry Christmas, Mommy. Can we open presents?”
“First, we have to wake up Uncle East.” I set him on his feet, and we walked to the other end of the house where Easton’s bedroom was.
Knox pounded his small fist. “Uncle East. Wake up. Time for Santa.”
I heard Easton groan on the other side of the door. “It’s too early for this.”
“No, ’s not!” Knox exclaimed.
“Suck it up, big brother, or we’ll start without you.”
When my brother finally opened the door, he was pulling a red thermal shirt over his head. “Hey, bud,” he greeted Knox before his gaze met mine. “Good morning, kid. Merry Christmas.”
“Same to you, big brother. Knox, hang with your uncle for a second.”
Knox’s excitement was contagious.
I bolted to my room to grab the phone off the charger and then ran into the living room. I wanted to capture Knox’s face when he saw his bike.
“All right!” I yelled. “Y’all can come in here.” The video recording on my phone was already rolling.
Knox’s feet smacked against the floor, and as soon as he rounded the corner, his entire face lit with happiness.
This, right here. That little face is why you can’t be sad today. So, pull your shit together.
“Santa came, Mommy!” He ran over to his bike and climbed on.
There were training wheels on the small bike, but East stood behind Knox, ready to right him if he fell.
“Put your feet on the pedals and push.”
“Like this,” Easton instructed, bending down and putting Knox’s feet on the pedals.
I watched my brother hunch over the handlebars as he guided my son around the living room. The sight made my heart ache. I loved my brother so much for the role he played in my son’s life, but that didn’t stop me from adding this moment to the infinite list of all the ones Colin would miss.
I bit my lip, chasing away the sting of tears, and paused the recording. After a few deep breaths, I looked at my brother.
“East, can you call Mom and Dad? I’ll start the coffee and pop the cinnamon rolls in the oven. Don’t let him unwrap anything. I promised Mom we’d wait for them.”
I waited for East to acknowledge what I’d said before heading into the kitchen to make breakfast.
My phone rang as I preheated the oven. Jase’s name appeared on the screen.
“Merry Christmas.” I turned the oven on to preheat and took the cinnamon rolls I’d made yesterday out of the fridge.
“Merry Christmas, Socks.”
We had texted briefly since he left to visit his family but hadn’t spoken since the day we went shopping together.
“What time is it there?”
“Too damn early. By the time I get acclimated to the three-hour time difference, I’ll be flying home.”
“When are you due back?”
“The twenty-ninth. Red-eye flight.”
“Ugh.”
“Tell me about it. It can’t come soon enough. I love my family, but I’m freezing my ass off.”
I swore I heard his teeth chatter.
“I bet. It’s cold here but not like it must be there. Hang on one sec.” I cradled the phone in the crook of my shoulder while I snatched the brown sugar, pecans, and a can of evaporated milk from the pantry.
“What are you doing?”
“Making cinnamon rolls. It’s sort of a family tradition.” I didn’t tell him it was one Colin and I’d started.
“Well, I don’t want to keep you. I just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas. I miss you. I
s that weird?”
“No, it’s not.” I missed him, too.
“Call me if you need me.”
“I will. Merry Christmas, Jase.”
“Bye, Socks.”
“Bye.” I hung up the phone and focused on whipping up the praline topping.
* * *
We had just finished breakfast when our parents came through the door a little over an hour later with my grandma, whom they had picked up on the way.
Dad’s arms were weighted down with gifts, and Mom was carrying one of those casserole thermal bag things. Grandma was bundled up like an Eskimo, holding her pocketbook.
After we said our hellos, Easton and I jumped in to help our parents. Dad and East put the presents under the tree before heading back out to the car for the rest of the stuff.
“Let me help.” I took the bag from my mother’s hands.
“That’s the banana pudding, so make sure it goes in the fridge.”
I leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. “Of course.”
I went into the kitchen and put away the banana pudding. When I turned around, my grandma was standing there, watching me, nearly giving me a heart attack.
“Jeez, Gram. Make some noise, will you?” I went over to her and pulled her into another hug. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“I’m glad I’m here, too.” She laughed.
I went over to the coffeemaker and started a new pot. “Do you want a cup of coffee?”
“Make it Irish.”
My mouth fell open.
“Better shut that thing, honey, or you’ll catch flies.”
“Grandma! Don’t you think it’s a little too early to be hittin’ the sauce?”
“As I recall, you young people have a sayin’. Something about it being five o’clock somewhere.”
I raised my brows at her in surprise.
“Don’t look so shocked, child. Now, ask your brother if he’s got the good stuff. And keep it on the DL. I don’t need your mama giving me any flak.”
“Since when do you speak in acronyms?”
“My friend Martha’s granddaughter came to visit and schooled us old folks on the lingo. Martha’s got a few years on me, and she isn’t a very quick study.”