Secrets Are My Sanity
Page 5
Shane’s eyes grew even wider. “No. I’m not going to be your lab rat.” He turned away feeling even more confused and wished Nick would find someone else to experiment with. He glanced at the other boy again and found him watching him, his green eyes intense and waiting. Shane sighed and found himself submitting. “Fine.” He whispered angrily as he dropped the book to the floor. He had a crush on Nick and because of that he was allowing himself to be used and set up for heartbreak. He should be kicking Nick out of the room but he secretly wanted him to do it, to kiss him.
Nick didn’t need any more incentive than that. He sat up on his knee and leaned into Shane who had his eyes closed, waiting for the torture to be over. The kiss wouldn’t be the torture, what happened after when he left, that would be the torture.
Nick laid his lips over his in the softest manner at first, if this was it then that wouldn’t be too bad Shane reasoned but then Nick deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue inside his mouth as his hands moved up his shoulder and through his hair.
Oh crap, Shane thought as he felt himself getting lost in this little experiment. He fell back willingly on the bed after Nick nudged him. He laid there completely surrendered to the other boy.
Nick’s lips were soft and demanding, searching every inch of his mouth for his taste. The lip ring he wore was cold and erotic against Shane’s own lips. Nick’s hands moved through his short hair and down to his shoulder.
Shane heard himself whimper as Nick kept going, pushing him closer and closer to the edge. He hadn’t let himself get emotionally or physically involved with anyone since Scott, his body quickly came to life and missed what it was like to be with another person.
Seconds later Nick pulled away, looking down at him with dark lust filled green eyes. Those eyes held a lot of emotion, some of them want and other conflict. He sat up and ran out of the room.
Shane laid there with tears pricking his own eyes.
Chapter 11
Nick drove away from the apartment questioning what the hell had gotten into him, why had he been so forward with Shane? He knew he was going crazy and wanted to know what it’d be like to kiss Shane but this was wrong, so wrong. Except he hadn’t been able to forget about Shane there working out on the floor or what he looked like nearly naked. The images swam though his mind as he sat there next to Shane and next thing he knew, those questions were coming from his mouth.
He pulled over on the side of the road and let his tears fall. They couldn’t go back to being friends after this, Shane would want to know why the hell he kissed him anyway. He’d want to know if there was something Nick was hiding. Ha, if he only knew.
Nick sat back and replayed their kiss, wondering if it was worth it and the short answer was yes. He would’ve killed to know the taste of his mouth and for those short minutes his dream had come true. But at what cost? His subconscious taunted.
His cell phone began to ring; he checked the number and recognized it as Shane’s. There was no way he was answering, he was probably calling to yell at him for being such a fool.
The ringing stopped and Nick let out a sigh or relief only have to have phone ring again, this time it was a message. Against his decision to hide, he read it. ‘It’s ok.’ It was from Shane of course.
Nick stared at the screen, biting his bottom lip, trying to figure out that those two words could mean. His tears fell harder and he snapped the phone closed.
Shane cursed and threw his phone down, after ten minutes he was sure Nick wasn’t going to write him back. If anyone should be mad and avoiding the other one, it should be him. He thought back to the kiss, the short moments before and after it, and he did start to get angry. What the hell was all of that anyway?
He heard of guys being curious but this was much more than that. He had felt it; Nick wanted to kiss him, to touch him.
He heard the front door opening and knew it had to be Michael and Julienne, a day didn’t pass without Michael stopping by. If anyone had answers about Nick it’d be Julienne. He jumped from his bed and met them. “Hey, you guys busy?”
“Not really, what’s up?” his brother asked.
“I need to talk to Julienne.”
“Why?” Michael asked. “You’re not switching teams and trying to steal her away are you?” it didn’t matter the time or day he had to make jokes. “She already thinks you’re hotter than me.” Shane glanced at the girl in question and saw her face was red with anger. She threw her hand back and hit Michael across the chest. “Fine, you can have her now.”
Julianne narrowed her eyes at Michael as she stepped forward. “Remember that later, my legs are staying permanently closed.”
“Aww baby don’t be like that!” Michael yelled as she walked away, following Shane back down the hallway. “Your brother is such an ass.”
“And for some stupid reason you’re in love with him.” He didn’t know how she or anyone could put up with Michael for such long periods of time.
“I think I have some serious mental problem the doctor didn’t find.” She joked about it now, but her time in a rehab felicity for depressed suicidal people hadn’t been easy for her a year ago. “What do you want to talk to me about?”
Shane led her into his room and shut the door. “Nick.” He watched her face and noticed how she dropped her eyes to the floor, she was nervous. “Is there something I should know?” he asked carefully.
“About what? Is the agreement not working out or did he flake on the project?”
He kept watching her and knew he was on the right track asking her by the way she was trying to deflect, if he wanted answers he was going to have to tell her everything. “He kissed me.”
Her head shot up from shock then she quickly looked back down. “I don’t know why he would do that.”
“Yes you do.”
“No I don’t, Nick’s always liked girls and if he kissed you he must’ve had a g—good reason.” Her stuttering was another key sign he was on the right track questioning her. There was no way Nick would keep any big secrets from Julienne.
“He asked me if it was different from kissing a girl and then asked if he could kiss me. It looked like he was experimenting but I know it was more than that. It wasn’t like we were drunk and it was some mistake. Why doesn’t he just tell me the truth?” Shane asked, his voice tight with anger and frustration. He wanted answers. He wanted to know if there was some truth to his suspicions. If there was some way they could….no that wasn’t in the picture. The important thing right now would be finding Nick and making sure he was ok.
Julienne kept her eyes focused on the floor. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She didn’t want to be talking about this, or be put in such a bad spot.
Shane knew she was trying to be a good friend and keep whatever she knew to herself upon Nick’s wishes but damn it, Shane wished she’d spill. There was something going on with Nick and it led to the kiss. “I need to talk to him but he’s avoiding it.” he was worried Nick was beating himself up over this. He had been honest in his message, it was ok, he wasn’t going to hold it against him.
“What do you want me to do?” she asked, willing to help in that aspect.
“Try calling him, see if he’s ok.” Shane knew he should be angry for the way Nick handled the situation, but all he could feel was fear that he was somewhere hurting, somewhere blaming himself from something he couldn’t change.
Julienne pulled out her phone and tried a few times calling him. “He’s not answering. I’m going to go find him.” she rushed out of him room with the same fear, that Nick might hurt himself rather than face reality.
Chapter 12
It was dark now, the stars hanging high in the shy as Nick sat there alone. He wasn’t all that surprised when he felt someone sit next to him and saw Julienne. She always knew he liked to go to the park to clear his mind. “What brings you by?” as far as he knew they didn’t have any plans to meet up.
“You know why.”
Nick suspected it when she first arrived. “You went by the apartment and Shane told you something, didn’t he?” he asked, his voice full of defeat.
“You kissed him and he wanted me to tell him why but I didn’t. I pretended I didn’t know why you would do such a thing. I even told him you were into girls.”
Nick laughed and the chuckles turned into cries. “I fucked up but I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to know what it’d be like to kiss him.” it all came down to his selfishness, his refused to go another minute without knowing the taste of his mouth, even knowing the consequences that were bound to follow.
“Just talk to him Nick, explain what you feel.”
“No! That’s the last thing I can do.” He sighed and dried his cheeks. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“Fine, but he’s worried about you. You’re going to have to go home and come up with something.” Julienne said before agreeing to his wishes and dropping the subject. “It’s pretty late but McDonald’s is open, you want to get something to eat? Maybe a smoothie?”
He felt like crying again, sometimes he really didn’t deserve a friend like her. “Yeah.” He wasn’t ready to go back home, he wanted to go when he was sure Shane would be asleep.
Together they left in his car; he wasn’t sure how she got to the park because he knew she didn’t drive. After killing an hour at the fast food restaurant and nervously eating more than he should, he drove her home knowing she had some early classes. He thanked her over and over for being such an awesome friend then slowly drove back to his apartment.
Nick wanted to kill as much time as possible so he took the stairs, one step for every other minute. It was past two o’clock that morning when he unlocked the door and stepped inside. He successfully made it to his room without running into Shane, like he hoped, Shane was asleep.
He took off his shoes and jeans then climbed into bed.
Shane was awake first that morning, he knew that after peaking into Nick’s room and seeing him passed out on the bed. The same way he slept on the floor was the same way he slept in bed, his limbs all over the place. Shane was a little mad he waited so late to come home all to avoid him, he was happy to see he was all right too. After glancing at the clock Shane decided to wake him up, his class was in twenty minutes and there was no reason he be late for it.
“Nick, you’re going to be late.” Shane shook his shoulder a few times.
“Not going.” Nick mumbled, still asleep.
“Good then we can talk.” Shane was losing his temper as he saw Nick was asleep and ignoring him. It was no surprise Nick was tired since he got in a few hours ago. Shane refused to be the nice guy and leave him alone, being a nice guy was getting him nowhere. He ran his hand under Nick’s shirt and across his back then his chest. Nick shot upright in bed, his green eyes wide and a little scared. “We need to talk.” Shane said again, his anger front and center.
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Yes there is, you were using my mouth so yeah I want answers. Why did you kiss me?” He wanted to know, he needed to know. He barely slept last night wondering what Nick was feeling, if this was all just some stupid game.
Nick shrugged. “It didn’t mean anything.” If he was trying to hurt Shane he was doing a great job at it. “I was bored and curious I guess but it meant nothing so there, case closed.” He got up, trying to run away again.
Shane wasn’t letting him go and blocked his way. “You’re a liar.” The reasonable part of his soul knew Nick wasn’t ready to admit the truth, he wasn’t ready to accept being different and needed time but he also didn’t care. He was hurting and wanted him to know it.
“Move.” Nick growled.
Shane wasn’t ready to let it go and enter Nick’s pretend land where the kiss never happened. Shane moved over to the door, closed it and leaned back against it. “Now what?” they stared at each other both too stubborn to cave and actually talk about this. Shane left his shoulders fall from their tense position. He didn’t know how to be the bad guy for long. “I could help you.”
“With what?” Nick looked angry yet his voice was small.
“Figure out what you’re feeling….why you’d kiss me.”
Nick shook his head with fast jerky movements. “No.”
“Because you already have it all figure out but you’re just not willing to admit it.” Shane said softly as all his anger faded and was replaced with sadness.
“I’m not gay.” Nick was defensive.
“Sure, me either, I just have sex with guys because I’m bored.”
Nick’s eyes grew wide with shock and Shane felt like laughing, he would’ve if he wasn’t so upset. “You’re wrong.”
“Ok,” Shane pushed off the door and opened it. “We can play it like that and pretend nothing ever happened.” his voice was condescending as he left and went back to his room.
Shane slammed the door and started pacing his room, it was still too early to get ready for school but he was too upset to actually try to lay back down.
His anger returned with new force, he was suddenly furious at Nick for doing this to him, for making him feel some hope where there was none. Why couldn’t they just have stayed friends, why did he have to open this door then harshly slam it in his face?
Blinding anger turned into tears and Shane moved and sat on the bed.
The last boyfriend he had was Scott almost a year ago, he went on dates and here there since but nothing serious. His huge mistake with Scott still burned him and he wasn’t ready to let someone in. But the problem was, with Nick he had let him in from the beginning as a friend, as a roommate, and now knowing there was a chance it could be more left Shane felt liking a love sick puppy.
Nick was in denial, there was no question about that anymore. Shane wanted to find a way to get Nick out of that denial and show him he didn’t have to be scared. He had told Nick he’d go on and pretend that kiss never happened but he lied, there was no forgetting it.
Chapter 13
Nick went through his classes feeling like a zombie. He felt like he died and no one told him yet. He went back to masterfully avoiding Shane, that was until the class they shared and they were forced to sit next to each other for an hour.
Shane must’ve been pissed because he didn’t look his way once. Nick wasn’t going to let that hurt his feelings, after all Shane was only doing what he asked.
Mr. Tyler announced it was time for another slideshow and then turned off the lights. There was a moment of complete darkness before the projector started, in that small moment Shane reached under the table and grabbed his hand. Two days ago Mr. Tyler had everyone push their desks together, again for project purposes. Nick thought maybe the universe was trying to torture him.
Nick felt his heart jump and run all around his chest but he didn’t pull his hand free. He let himself have this small comfort in the dark. Shane’s hand was slightly larger and incredibly warm over his.
The nice feeling changed into something much more carnal when Shane moved his hand.
The older boy moved his hand from Nick’s down his thigh; he squeezed lightly and kept moving upward. Nick jumped when that large warm hand moved across his shaft.
“Mr. Sheldon, is there a problem?” the teacher asked, annoyed with the interruption to his speech he prepared with the slides.
“No, sir.” His voice squeaked, as the speech started back up Nick turned and looked at Shane to find him staring ahead as if he was paying attention to class. Nick swallowed hard and told himself to forget the whole thing, if he tried to confront Shane that would only lead to more questions on the older boy’s part.
The rest of the class went by painstakingly slow. Nick tried to keep all his senses on the teacher and nowhere else. Eventually class was over and Nick gathered his things, waiting for the rest of the day to be over with. Shane left first so Nick decided to hang back until the classroom cleared out to avoid running into him.
Nick’s heart was racing all over again, why can’t Shane just leave him alone? “What are you doing?”
“I decided I don’t want to play the nice guy and give you space and all that shit.” Shane really was mad when he resorted to cursing. “I refuse to pretend that kiss didn’t happen either or the way you let me hold your hand.” As Shane spoke he cornered Nick against the bathroom door.
Nick was starting to get scared, not of Shane, he could never be scared of Shane hurting him because deep down he was such a nice guy, but Nick was scared of his own feelings. “I have to go.”
“No, you don’t.” Shane laid his hands on either side of the door, successfully trapping Nick between his arms. “You have lunch now; your next class isn’t for another hour.”
Nick sighed and avoided the blue eyes in front of him; Shane leaned back enough to put them at the same height. “And?”
“And I want to….talk.” Shane emphasized on that last word before his face came even closer, nuzzling the exposed side of Nick’s neck. He dropped his right hand from the door and slid it across Nick’s stomach.
Nick felt his muscles shaking, his toes curling inside his sneakers from such a simple action, but Shane’s touch was magical and there was no hiding how it made him feel.
“Nick….” Shane opened his mouth and dragged his teeth down the length of his neck.
Nick’s arms were worthless at his sides; he couldn’t move to save his life right now. “Why are you doing this to me?”
“I want you, is that message coming across?” Shane racked his nails against the sensitive skin along Nick’s ribs. “I’ve had a crush on you since that first day I saw you sitting in Mr. Tyler’s class. I thought well nothing could happen but he’s a cool guy and we can be friends.” Shane lifted his head and made sure Nick saw his eyes. “Then you kissed me.” he said the words like an accusation.