Shane pulled open the unlocked door and climbed inside. He appeared to be nervous about this meeting too, as he glanced everywhere but at Nick’s direction. “Are you ok?” he asked first.
Nick was having the opposite problem, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Shane’s face. “Yeah. What did you tell Michael?” he hated to admit he was terrified over what Michael would do or say with the information he found out that morning. Sometimes Michael was a good guy and other times, not so much.
“I told him the truth about how I feel about you. Michael would never hold something like this against you. He was offended when I told him to leave you alone just in case. He actually has been helping me with trying to get through to you.”
Nick couldn’t believe that one, it seemed even after all these years there were still layers to Michael Gregory to be unshed. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. I don’t go liking a guy everyday just for the sake of doing it. I’m pretty guarded with my heart and my brother knew off the bat how serious this was for me.”
Nick felt like scum as he listened to Shane pour his heart out, to hear without a doubt how much he cared for someone like him. “Why?” this time he couldn’t go ignoring his thoughts. “I’m a world class mess, why do you feel anything for me?”
Shane managed to bring his focus to Nick’s face. “You’re amazing. You could make anyone fall in love with you just with a smile. I was content focusing on school and hanging out with my family but then you came along and I realized I missed having a friend. I was content with that too, just being your friend. I thought you were cute the first time I laid eyes on you when we were all getting ready for Michael and Julienne’s graduation.”
Nick remembered that day, it had been the first time he laid eyes on Shane and he had been shocked speechless. He knew Michael’s brother would have to be good looking but he hadn’t been ready for the beauty to behold him that day. He remembered Julienne tightening her grip around his waist because she thought he was worried Shane might try to tease him or something. His best friend never knew the frantic hurricane of nerves and excitement that coursed through him during that short moment he met Shane for the first time.
Shane continued. “I was relieved when I saw you in Mr. Tyler’s class. Like you said, we hadn’t talked much or gotten to know each other but it was nice having someone there I knew even if it was in passing.”
“I couldn’t stop staring at you.” Nick confessed weakly.
“I didn’t notice.”
“I wanted to pass out when Mr. Tyler partnered us.”
“I remember thinking you were mad because of it since you were trying to avoid me the whole time. Until I asked you if I had done something to bother you.”
“I thought you were an idiot for thinking something could be wrong with you.” Nick shook his head at the memory. “There isn’t a person on this plant who wouldn’t like you.”
“You don’t like me.” Shane whispered painfully.
Nick’s heart tightened with regret and sorrow. “You know that’s not true.”
“You run every time we try to have a real talk or we end up in some compromising position I force us in to. I’m sure you’re attracted to me because you kiss me back but I can’t get you to admit anything except that you want me to stay away from you.” he brought his bright blue eyes back to Nick’s green ones. “Why did you kiss me that first time?”
They were being honest with each other, having that talk Shane had desperately wanted to have all this time. Nick refused to run from it anymore. “I couldn’t take it anymore. I was staying away all those days because it was hell being that close to you all the time. You came to the book store and pointed out we had to get working on our project.”
“I tried for days before that to figure out why you kept coming home only to sleep. I kept trying to find what I did to offend you.”
“You never did anything wrong.” Nick tried to blink back all the tears trying to fall free. “I got home and there you were working out nearly naked. I swear I had a heart attack. Then we were so close in your room and I couldn’t get the fantasy of kissing you out of my head. I needed to know how it’d feel.”
“I thought you were using me to experiment on and I was pissed off about it, but not enough to tell you no.”
“You should’ve.” Nick said, realizing if they had never had that first kiss they wouldn’t be in all the trouble they were in now. It would’ve saved a lot of heartache for sure.
“No, I don’t regret it. I have a crush on you Nick and I was being selfish too because I wanted to know just as badly what it’d be like to kiss you. After you ran and I thought about it more and more, I knew it was real for you too.” He ran his hands over his face, struggling with his own emotions. “I knew I should give you time to figure it all out but I was sick of being the nice guy. I was mad at you for giving me hope for something I had convinced myself could never be.”
“I don’t get it. I can’t understand why out of all the people in this world, you’d be hung up on me.” Nick said. He wasn’t fishing for compliments, he honestly couldn’t understand. Shane deserved so much better and it was out there for him.
“You got under my skin and try as hard as I might, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I became obsessed when I realized you could feel the same way about me. I guess that’s how love is. You’re not supposed to be able to explain it away.” Shane explained simply with a shrug of his shoulders. He wasn’t holding back either, any thought in his head was pouring out of his mouth.
Nick’s breath caught in an audible gasp. “Love?”
Shane chuckled weakly as he realized how much he revealed “In this last month I’ve tried to be rational but I couldn’t. Every second of the day I found myself falling harder and harder for you. But,” he reached across the seat and held Nick’s hand. “I know better than you might think, I know this has to be done at your own pace. I can’t force you into a lifestyle you’re not ready for and when you’re ready, you might find it won’t be me you want to start it with.”
Nick’s head was spinning, he didn’t know what to say or feel anymore. He understood what Shane was saying because he felt the same, there was a right and wrong he felt should be followed but try as he might, there was so much outside of those lines he wanted. “Shane…” no one had ever told him they loved him before. He never heard it from his family or someone he had dated, he heard it from Julienne but that wasn’t the same as hearing it from Shane. Hearing it from someone he could spend the rest of his life with and die happy.
“I don’t like it but I’m willing to deal with us being friends or just roommates. I won’t push anymore for you to give us a chance.” His tears gave him away; everything he was saying wasn’t what he wanted.
“Shane.” Nick pulled at his hand and leaned in close to the passenger seat. For the first time since this rollercoaster began, he made the first move to kiss Shane. His lips and body were trembling but he refused to pull away from the desire brewing so thick inside the closed space of the car.
Shane was tense at first, unsure what all of this meant, before kissing him back.
Nick wanted to tell him he had agreed to this meet with one goal in mind only to throw it out the window. He didn’t want to deny Shane anymore; he didn’t want to deny his own feelings of want and love. After everything Shane said he would’ve been a fool to turn him down again.
He refused to do it anymore; he was going to stop trying to live his life the way someone else wanted. He wanted Shane and by some miracle, Shane wanted him too. From now on Nick was going to put all his focus on making that happen.
Chapter 20
Nick was on cloud nine. He couldn’t have imagined how amazing it could feel to be honest with yourself and the person you care about. There was nothing standing in their way when it came to loving each other. Neither knew what was waiting for them out there in the real world but when it came to each other, there was no more running. For the
first time since Nick could remember life, he felt safe. There in Shane’s arms and presence he felt protected. He hoped Shane felt the same way.
Over the next several hours they talked and sometimes more than talked.
“We should probably get back home.” Shane suggested, his mouth still kissing at Nick’s neck. “Julienne’s been worried about you.”
Nick was dizzy with lust and couldn’t honestly recall what Shane had just said. He had his hand buried under Shane’s shirt and let his hands feast on the beautiful sculpted body hidden beneath those pesky clothes.
“Nick, did you hear me?” Shane lifted his head, his blue eyes were several shades darker.
“Yeah, sure, whatever you want.” He plastered his mouth against Shane’s and kissed him with all his might. It didn’t matter they had been making out and feeling each other up for the last few hours, it wasn’t enough. Nick didn’t think it’d ever be enough.
Shane’s control wasn’t much better even though he was the most experienced between the two of them. He gave in a hundred percent to the kiss, his mouth just as feverish and hungry.
They stilled when a cell phone rang. “It’s yours.” Nick figured out first.
“Right.” Shane untangled himself from Nick and reached inside his pants pocket to fish out the phone. “It’s Michael.” He contemplated not answering and grabbing Nick again, but he didn’t have the heart to leave his brother hanging. “Hello?”
“Finally.” Michael said around a sigh of annoyance. “Julienne’s been trying Nick for the last half hour and this is my third call to you.”
“Really?” He hadn’t heard the phone before now. “I think Nick has his off.” He looked at the boy in question and watched while Nick searched for his own cellphone. It was on the car floor and indeed off.
“Does that mean you’re together?” Michael asked next, his annoyance quickly gone and replaced by something Shane could only describe as evocative. “It has been a few hours since you left. I thought you were somewhere crying your eyes out but it sounds like some other type of crying out is going on.”
Shane blushed and hated that he had done so. “Shut up.” he was never as comfortable as Michael talking about sex.
“Should we send out rescue teams or is everything ok?”
Shane stared at Nick who was curious about what they were talking about. “It’s better than ok.”
“Aww my brother and my girlfriend’s best friend, this is all so sweet.”
“You can be an ass, do you know that?”
Michael laughed. “Yeah, yeah, stop talking to this ass and go get a piece of ass.” He hung up.
Shane hoped he wasn’t the shade of a ripe tomato. “They won’t worry about us anymore.” He replaced the phone back inside his pocket. Now that more than a minute had passed giving them to breathe Shane wasn’t sure what he should be doing next.
Nick looked flushed but also back in his right mind with his lust tucked securely away. “We should get out of here before some sea creature decides to have us for dinner.” The sun was already setting and every minute it was getting darker.
They agreed to leave Shane’s car and pick it up tomorrow. They didn’t want to be away from each other as long as it would take to drive back home. “Speaking of dinner, are you hungry?” he hadn’t eaten anything all day.
Nick flashed a dazzling smile Shane’s way before focusing his eyes back on the rode. “For you or for food?”
Shane smiled like a kid in a candy store, it felt amazing to have Nick openly flirting with him. He was terrified Nick would back away again and come up with yet another reason they couldn’t be together. “Food…for now.”
“I haven’t had any sugar today so the answer is yes.”
Nick drove them to a drive thru fast food joint where they placed their orders and decided to park and eat their food. They were both on the same page about wanting to spend time with each other with no one else interrupting. The car was their safe haven until they could get back to their apartment.
It was Nick who broke the silence first. “This feels surreal.”
“I know what you mean.” Shane’s heart hadn’t stopped racing since the first kiss Nick planted on him earlier.
“I’m kinda worried you’ll regret it.” Nick busied himself with pulling the pickles free from his burger.
“I’ve been trying for weeks to get you to give us a chance, why would I regret it?” Shane ignored his food and focused only on Nick’s face. These were the types of talks they needed to have in order for their relationship to have a healthy start.
“Because you could do better?” Nick shrugged. “You’re this amazing perfect guy with an amazing family, you do well in school, and you look like you stepped out of the pages of GQ or something. I can’t think of something about you that isn’t perfect.” He was feeling inadequate.
“No.” Shane reached across and took his hand securely in his. “I’m not perfect, I’m far from it. We all make mistakes Nick.”
“My parents didn’t want me, my aunt and uncle hate me. You don’t understand what it is to hate yourself.” Nick’s jaw set in a hard line, his hands sat motionless in his lap forgetting about the nearby food.
Shane heart sank. “Yes I do. It’s not your fault; it’s theirs for not willing to see how amazing you are. The same way it wasn’t my fault for what happened with Scott. I blamed myself for a long time, years even.”
Nick’s resolve lessened as his shoulders fell and he returned Shane’s stare. “What happened? Scott’s the guy from the grill right, your ex?”
Shane didn’t like talking about this but he knew he had to be honest with Nick, it’d help their relationship strengthen. “Yeah. We dated for a long time, I loved him and I let that love cloud what I knew was right and wrong. I blamed myself all the time like you’re doing now. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for so long, too long. Abusers are never right Nick.”
He understood what Shane was saying even though he couldn’t say the words. “I used to tell Julienne all the time the problem was never with us but with the other person because they didn’t know how to fix what’s wrong in their own lives.”
“You’re right and now you need to believe it for yourself. It’s their loss not having you in their lives. I don’t want it to be my loss. I meant everything I said today and then some.” Shane confessed. “You have to stop thinking you’re not enough because to me you’re pretty damn perfect too.”
Nick nodded and offered the best smile he could with all the emotion welling up behind his eyes. “We should eat this before it gets too cold. I didn’t get to say it earlier but I love you too.”
Shane didn’t know how to stop staring at him. It was as if time stopped and this was the moment he wanted to relive forever and ever.
Nick picked at his food again, his eyes on the beef patty. “You don’t think it’s too soon?”
Shane didn’t hesitate. “No, not for us. When it’s meant to be, it doesn’t take too long to figure it out.”
Epilogue
6 months later….
Shane sat on their living room couch waiting for Nick. He was used to his boyfriend taking a long time to get ready. He flipped through a magazine and knew it’d be at least another half hour and he had already been sitting there for some time already.
He looked up from the magazine when he heard someone coming through the front door. His brother was the only person with a key. “Where’s lover boy?” Michael asked as he looked around and saw no sign of Nick.
Julienne stepped out from behind Michael. “In the bathroom right?” he knew her best friend better than anyone else in the world.
“Yup.” Shane answered as he took in what Julienne and Michael decided to wear to their mothers’ gala. Michael cleaned up nicely in a simple black and white tux. Julienne’s dress was black to match her date’s attire. “He’s extra nervous.” tonight was going to be the first time Shane and Nick stepped out in public as boyfriends
. Shane’s family knew and was very happy and supportive of them. They continued to keep their relationship private at school and in public to give Nick time to get comfortable accepting the fact he was different from society’s corrupt image of perfect.
“He shouldn’t be that freaked.” Michael said. “Mom’s running this thing and I think she’ll knife anyone who dares talk smack about you or your man.”
Shane laughed. “That’s a nice visual.”
“He watches too many violent movies.” Julienne said.
“Nothing compares to Fatal Attraction and the way that poor bunny gets it.” Michael said stone cold serious.
Shane shook his head. “You and that movie.”
Nick was nervous to the point he was ready to puke. He wanted tonight to go well for Shane more than anyone else. After putting up with his insanities and never once abandoning him Shane deserved the moon and then some.
For tonight Nick decided he was going to change it up. He knew Shane loved him the way he was and attracted to his outrageous fashion sense but sometimes a little normal never hurt anyone.
He washed the temporary green dye from his hair and left it its natural light brown shade combed back away from his eyes. Tonight his green eyes were eyeliner free, his goatee and sideburns trimmed down, and instead of all his piercings he only wore the ring in his nose and the one in his ear.
He couldn’t get rid of everything; he’d feel too naked and like a different person. He wasn’t doing this to be a different person; he was doing this to be another version of himself. With Shane, he didn’t feel the incessant need to hide behind his outrageous style. He felt for the first time in a very long time like he was simply himself, no one else, and it was time to show that side of him. No more hiding. That was the motto of the night.
He adjusted his jacket and cufflinks one more time before taking a good look in the mirror. If he did say so himself, he looked pretty damn good. He was wearing a black tux with a light blue shirt and tie. He had been attracted to the color because it reminded him of Shane’s eyes.
Secrets Are My Sanity Page 8