“Seriously?”
“Yes,” Arthur said, equally shocked at Merlin’s offer, “seriously?”
“I give you my word,” answered Merlin. “I can assure you, however, that you’re not going to like it.”
“I don’t like most things,” said Galahad with a shrug.
Guinevere pointed across the courtyard toward a small shed. “Isn’t that your Allison…” She paused because directly behind Allison was Sir Lance-A-Lot. “Oh my.”
“He sure does get around, doesn’t he?” said Galahad.
“Not good,” moaned Merlin.
“Merlin,” Arthur said, placing his hand on the wizard’s shoulder, “I know she’s your apprentice, but she’s also an adult. She should have the right to make up her own mind, no?”
“Not in our time period,” Galahad pointed out.
“I have to hand it to you, Arthur,” Merlin said while keeping his eyes on Allison, “you are the most liberal king I’ve ever met.”
“Thank you?”
“Believe me, it’s a rare thing, and it’s probably the biggest reason I stick around these parts. I get a lot of offers to leave, you know.”
“Hmmm.”
Merlin then took Arthur aside and said, “As for having only one Nipple Ring of Veiling, may I make a suggestion?”
“Of course.”
“Use the law, Arthur,” Merlin said earnestly. “You do hold the pen that writes it, after all.”
MERLIN’S NOTEBOOK: LAW
Law is a fickle thing. It works wonders in certain areas and creates mayhem in others. Worded properly, it can be as strong as iron; worded improperly and it can be twisted and fashioned in ways that make it seem like dough.
But when a king makes a decree, he has the ability to interpret it however he so chooses. Any of those who try and wiggle around it are often found dangling from the end of a rope.
That's the thing about law. Those who follow it are subjected to it, but those who set it in motion have it as their subject. They are above it, in a manner of speaking. Sure, some of them will fall to its horrible embrace if the need arises, but that's simply the way of things.
THE DECREE
A huge crowd had gathered at the base of the balcony that hung out from Arthur and Guinevere’s room in the castle. It was where he always stood to make announcements as it was the best place for him to be heard throughout the majority of Camelot.
He was full of nerves. The king of Scotland was correct that the first time he ventured out using only the ring’s protection, he would be worried regarding its power.
“And you honestly can’t see anything?”
“The only thing I notice is that your metal is shining a little brighter than usual. You look fine, Arthur.”
Arthur glanced across the room to see himself in the full-length mirror.
“But you know that I’m wearing a purple bra and panties combination along with that wonderful eye makeup you applied.”
“And the lipstick.”
“Absolutely.”
“I know you’re wearing that, yes, but right now I can see none of it.” She grabbed his hand. “I believe that you have finally garnered your freedom, Arthur.”
“And now, my sweet, it’s time for you to have your freedom.”
He stepped out to the cheers of his subjects. He noted many sneers as well, but you couldn’t please all of the people all of the time. The full complement of knights was standing at the base of the castle looking out toward the crowd. They were there to make sure the people stayed in check.
“People of England, hear my words,” he began. “Today I shall make a decree that will seem strange to some and freeing to others.”
The people cheered.
“My knights and I have just returned from the border at Scotland. Whilst there we saw things that made it apparent we have fallen behind the times.”
The people were murmuring.
“The men there, for example, wear skirts!”
The murmuring grew louder and there were a lot of confused faces.
“Now I’m not suggesting that we do that,” Arthur said as a large sigh covered the crowd. “However, I think that we can do them one better.”
Faces changed from confused to intrigued.
“You would like to do one better than the Scots, wouldn’t you?”
Cheers rang up for a few moments.
“Then we shall!”
The cheers were even louder. Arthur let it go on briefly before motioning them to settle down.
“On this day,” Arthur stated, “I, King Arthur, ruler of England, declare that all women in my land may choose to wear pantaloons!”
Cheers rang out again and then suddenly stopped. As one, the people said, “What?”
“Pantaloons,” answered Arthur and then cleared his throat. “I said pantaloons. No more having to toil in the fields while wearing dresses, unless you want to, of course. You can wear pants and boots instead, and even a regular shirt if you’d want.”
As one, they said, “Why?”
“Because,” Arthur replied as if they were all being silly, “we’re doing one better than that Scots.”
There was the briefest pause before the cheering welled up louder than before. It was one of those moments where a ruler learns which side of the fence he’s about to fall toward. Fortunately for Arthur, he fell to the side of loyalty on this day.
“And just to show you that I’m serious about this,” Arthur yelled, “I present to you Queen Guinevere in her new outfit.”
He reached back and took her hand. She looked very nervous, and rightfully so for she hadn’t the protection of the ring that he wore.
Guinevere stepped out, wearing black pantaloons, a plain white shirt, a gray vest, black boots, and her hair had been cut dreadfully short.
The people gasped. They had been used to seeing their queen wearing beautiful dresses, and they had never seen a woman with such a cropped hairstyle.
“Tell the people how it feels, my queen.”
“It feels,” she said strongly, “like we’re better than the Scots!”
The cheers returned and were deafening, much to Arthur and Guinevere’s delight.
The two embraced and then commenced waving as Sir Gareth struck up his band and got the party started.
MERLIN’S NOTEBOOK: HUMAN NATURE
People are generally slow to change, but there are certain things that can be done to advance their pace.
While it was clear to me that those in my era would be steadfastly against cross-dressing, I also knew that competition between nations would ultimately win out. It's the nature of things. When a desired event is challenging to push through the majority, simply engage a stronger event as reason for doing so. Goats will graze in one spot for as long as possible unless their shepherd comes along wielding a stick—or if Sir Gareth arrives after a few ales...but that's a different story.
There is little doubt that Arthur's choice of garb would never be accepted by the people of England—even if the queen of Scotland managed to get the Scots to accept their warriors wearing skirts—but they will more readily accept the women wearing more masculine clothing because of the practicality of it.
It follows that if you mix functionally logical ideas along with one's allegiance to one's country, you can get them to believe—and do—just about anything.
A NEW APPRENTICE
Merlin was standing in the back room of his hovel as Allison finished packing her things. It was time for her to return to her own era. Merlin wished that she could stick around since he learned so many things from her, but he knew that she had obligations in the future as well.
“Do you feel you’ve gotten enough footage?”
“More than I needed, Merlin,” she said, holding up something called a ‘thumb drive.’ “I’m a sure bet to get my doctorate out of this.”
“And you’ll keep in touch?”
“Don’t I always, Merl?” she said, giving him a quick hu
g.
They were interrupted by a knock at the door.
“That’ll be Galahad,” Merlin grunted. “He’s about to get a lesson that he doesn’t want.”
“Be careful, Merl,” Allison said, “you know how the information I’ve given you can affect the time line.”
“Not really, no,” Merlin said. “And what about all the information you’re bringing forward?”
“Doesn’t hurt to bring notes from the past forward.”
“Somehow I doubt the accuracy of that,” Merlin said, “but what do I know?”
“If anything, Merl, it’ll help historians because there has been a lot of controversy over whether King Arthur was from England or from Scotland. Imagine their faces when they learn that there was one from each!”
“That does solve a mystery, I suppose.”
“Exactly,” she said as she stepped onto the little platform in the wall. “Well, until next time, Merl, keep studying.”
She disappeared in a flash, leaving the wizard to the sound of continued pounding on his door. He rolled his eyes and headed out into the main room to let the knight in.
“Galahad,” he said as he motioned the man inside.
“Nice place.”
“Thanks,” Merlin said. “Care for a drink?”
“I’m here to learn, Merlin. Not drink.”
“So you want to get right to it, then,” Merlin said with a nod. “Fine with me. See that little lightning bolt over there?”
“The one flashing between them two poles?”
“Correct.”
“What about it?”
“Touch it.”
Galahad squinted. “Why?”
“It’s lesson number one.”
“It looks dangerous.”
Merlin shrugged, daring Galahad to back down. “That’s magic for you.”
“Hmmm,” Galahad said, reaching out gingerly. He stopped. “Yeah, I don’t think I will.”
“Interesting,” said Merlin, looking the knight over. “Maybe there’s more to you than meets the eye, Galahad.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Let me ask you something,” Merlin said. “Can you keep secrets?”
“Yeah.”
“I mean like really keep secrets?”
“I said I could, didn’t I?”
“Tell me, would you like to learn magic?”
“Probably not.”
“Seriously?”
“Way I see it,” started Galahad, “you do a lot of nothing. Why would I want to do a lot of nothing?”
“You’re a knight,” Merlin noted. “Your job is essentially to do a lot of nothing.”
“We drink and engage in merriment,” Galahad countered, “and every now and then there’s even fisticuffs.”
“And you can still do all of those things, Galahad,” Merlin stated, “but you can do even more if you know what I know.”
“This ain’t some ploy to get me to be like some apprentice that goes about picking up your house and making you tea and biscuits, is it?”
“I assure you it is not.”
“What about Allison?” Galahad said, looking around.
“She left.”
“Oh, sorry to hear that. Didn’t work out, then?”
“It was amicable,” Merlin said. “Actually, it’s quite fantastical. Honestly, Galahad, if you knew where she really went it would blow your mind.”
“Much like touching that lightning bolt, I’m guessing.”
“No, it was a metaph…never mind. Look, do you want to learn magic or not?”
Galahad took a deep breath and gazed around the room. “I just want to know how things work, Merlin. Can’t help myself. Always been a tinkerer, I have. It’s like having an itch that I just can’t stab.”
“I have all the information you’re looking for, Galahad.”
“So it seems,” he said pointing at the table of beakers and books. “Okay, fine, I’ll play along. But if I touch this lightning bolt and it kills me, I’m going to be downright angry.”
“No,” Merlin said, pushing the knight’s arm away, “don’t touch that. It will kill you.”
Galahad’s mouth dropped open. “You’re honestly telling me that you were going to kill me when I got here?”
“Not precisely,” argued Merlin. “You’re the one who would have touched the bolt. I wasn’t going to make you do it. How could I? You’re a knight, easily twice my size.”
“Hmmm.”
“Look, answer my question, Galahad. Do you want to learn ‘magic’ or not?”
“That time you used the air quotes, Merlin.”
“I surely did,” Merlin replied with a smile. “Aren’t you just dying to know why?”
Galahad checked out the lightning bolt again. “Damn it,” he said. “It’s against my better judgment, but I truly do want to know.”
“Good,” said Merlin, rubbing his hands together. “Good.”
“Somehow I don’t think so,” Galahad said as Merlin placed a stack of books in his hands, with one on top that was entitled Science for Dummies.
“Get started, Galahad,” Merlin said. “We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us.”
“Maybe I should just touch the lightning bolt,” Galahad said as Merlin went to get them tea.
RADIO SILENCE
Merlin sat staring at the screen of the laptop computer that Allison had given him.
It had been over eight months since they’d last spoken and he was concerned. They’d never gone for more than a week without at least some form of communication.
Yes, she was living in the future, and Merlin had originally assumed that Allison was just busy toiling away with her scientific endeavors. Truth was that were it not for her work, they never would have met those years ago while Merlin was out exploring caves. Life would have been much different. Boring, mostly.
But this was puzzling.
They’d talked without fail up until she’d left from her last visit to Camelot. Since then it had been utter radio silence.
To be fair, Allison had returned from their last get-together with a slew of camera footage from the adventure of helping Arthur find the Ring of Veiling. Her intent was to edit the video and build a formal presentation for her doctoral thesis on Arthurian Lore. She’d explained to Merlin how this would be her third doctorate. Her other two were in engineering and physics, which she explained stood as the backbone for building the time machine.
Most of the time Merlin just nodded politely when she described these things. He was still barely coming to terms with electricity, chemistry, and basic technology. Advanced mathematics, physics, celestial spheres, and something called “computer programming” continued to sit just outside of his capacity.
What he did know was that it was out of character for Allison to miss even a week of discussions, let alone nearly a year.
Something was most definitely wrong and Merlin decided that it was time to learn precisely what.
He strode out of the back room and into the main study.
Sir Galahad was fast asleep on a pile of books. All in all, Galahad had proved a worthy apprentice. He was cantankerous at times and incorrigible at others, but he challenged Merlin to think. Allison had always said that the best teacher was the student. After a couple of weeks having Galahad as an apprentice, Merlin understood the full breadth of her words. All these months later, Merlin thought certain that his personal knowledge must have grown by leaps and bounds.
“Wake up, man,” Merlin said, shaking his apprentice. “There’s an issue we must attend to straightaway.”
Galahad jolted upright. His eyes were red as he wiped the drool from his chin. Plastered to the side of his face was the indent of the book he’d been sleeping upon.
“Ugh,” he said in his raspy voice. “What time is it?”
“I don’t know,” Merlin said as he looked toward the door, “but based on the lack of light streaming through the windows, I’d have to say nighttime.”<
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“Right. So what’s the problem?”
“It’s been eight months since we’ve heard from Allison,” Merlin said in such a way as to convey that Galahad already knew what the problem was.
“Ah, that again. You go on about this every month, Merlin. Last month it was seven months since you’d heard from her. The month before it was six months—”
“I am aware of how counting works, Gal.”
“Really don’t like that nickname, Merl.”
“Touché,” Merlin said with a bow. “Anyway, I’m worried that something has happened to her and each passing day only makes that worry more pronounced.”
Galahad began to yawn as he dug his knuckles into his eyes. He stood up and twisted left and right, and then bent backwards slightly with a groan. Finally, he shook his head quickly as if trying to rattle his brain to life.
“So what do you want to do about it?”
“I think we need to go into the future and find out what’s happened,” Merlin answered soberly.
“Sounds great,” Galahad said, blinking. “Maybe after that, we can go back in time to visit the Roman Empire. I hear that Caligula was a blast to hang around, in a manner of speaking. A real party animal, that guy.” He paused as Merlin stared at him. “Or maybe you should consider having a few drinks instead? That would calm your nerves a bit.”
“Don’t patronize me, Galahad.”
“Well, you are being a bit ridiculous.”
Merlin leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms. Galahad was ever the pain, but Merlin had learned a thing or two over the last number of months about how Galahad ticked.
“How has your learning been going, Sir Galahad?”
“Uh oh,” said Galahad with a sigh, “you’re calling me ‘Sir Galahad’ now. That can’t be good.” He scratched his head for a moment. “You’ve also jumped topics pretty quickly there, which can only mean you’re up to something.”
Comedic Arthurian Bundle: The Adventures of Queen Arthur Page 9